Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Instant Gratification or Contemplation?

“A cupcake.”
This is me talking to my inner self, after my work out at 24 hr. fitness. I’m not sure if there’s a correlation between the fact that I had just finished working out with the fact that my solution of happiness and sabotage lay in the form of a cupcake. But after a reluctant 40 minute work out, that I did simply because I needed the free dose of endorphins all I could think of was that I was sweaty, still unfulfilled, still had no direction, and the chick on the stair stepper in front of me was still a skinny bitch who belonged somewhere out of my resentful path.

A cupcake would make me happy. Now, I realize this isn’t true and that is why I stopped myself.
I sat on a bench outside the gym and said. “Chelsea, you are not leaving this bench until you decide what will make you happy.”
Fine, a cookie. Dipped in peanut butter.
I have an angel, a devil, and a smart ass on my shoulders and I’m pretty sure I have an entire army of Smart Ass ready to overthrow hell and heaven.

Twenty minutes passed, and I really just looked like a confused sweating girl sitting on a bench, but I tried to fake that maybe I was waiting for someone….Someone like my iron pumping boyfriend who needed a few extra minutes to work on his new peck muscle.

Never act like you don’t belong where you are. This is a constant motto of mine, so I made my lingering time on the bench mine. Especially since I had NO idea how long I was planning on sitting there to figure out what would make me happy. Thus far it’s taken a good 5 years, and damnit I was/am ready to stop lulling. I will chain myself to this ever loving bench and decide. I’ll have my “Aha!” moment, right here, on this bench and every time from now on for the rest of my life I will think of this moment fondly, when I sat on “the bench” and all of the blurred vision was lifted. I’ll tell this story to my kids, and in interviews that follow my wild success, and Oprah will have me write a special in “O!” on my “Aha!” moment….this is gonna be good.
Waiting. And waiting…”What would make you happy…”
I am open and receptive. Open and receptive…
I asked myself this so many times that I actually forgot that I was repeating it over and over again, and fell into a daze over the different type of sneakers people chose to wear to the gym.

Maybe part of the problem is that I hardly have the attention span to contemplate happiness, so my need for instant gratification goes directly towards sugar. Before any clarity can come into view, I’ve baked a damn a cake.

The thing about the question, “What will make you happy…” is I don’t know that there can ever be an answer, unless there’s action. Until you do something, one of the options on the long list of hopes for yourself, or go through a series of tests on your many pro’s and con’s lists, there’s no real way of knowing. Everyone says you know in your gut. I believe that, but I guess there’s a certain amount of steps that need to be taken to get to that place where your gut feels at home. Feels it’s in the right place, or path. And I’m not talking gastronomically, like “home” being a bakery.
“What will make you happy…”
Cupcakes aside, the real answer at the moment, was; sitting. Sitting on this bench will make me happy.
I can handle that answer. Maybe this isn’t my “AHA!” moment, maybe Oprah will have to wait, but maybe it’s a piece of it…back to terms of food, it’s a piece of the pie that leads to my AHA!
No cupcakes were consumed this evening, maybe tomorrow…;)
Until then, I will follow my gut when it calls, and try not to get too caught up in a the looming fear of not knowing what will make me happy, or the annoyance I feel everytime I see a Sports Ilustrated model at the gym. I’ll enjoy a cupcake for them. J

6 comments:

Apple Jess said...

mmmm cupcakes are not a big thing over here in london, but discovered a bakery 10mins from work and ahhhhh all I can say I was in heaven!.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Yes, they are heaven especially when you find a good one, its hard not to remember it's there when you're having a bad day. lol.

angela said...

I just started to read your blog today so forgive me if you've noted before what it is that makes you think that you are un-happy. Are you really?

I've always said, "I'll be happy when....(insert something happening here)." Then I had the aha moments when I started to be thankful for the blessings I acknowledge in my life. The smallest little things such as leaving for work in the morning and noticing the rose bush I rescued from the weeds growing around it has a ton of little blooms on it. When I shifted my focus from all that was wrong or just mediocre to all the beautiful presents that God presents me with, my life seems much more balanced and I've found myself in a place of contentment. Be happy in the moments you have because you don't know if the grass is greener on the other side just because there is a dog fertilizing it for you to step in it when you get there. ;)

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Thank you Angela :) I think you are absolutely right. It's not that im incredibly unhappy...and I do tend to be present, grateful, open, etc..I've just been in sort of a "funk" if you will for a bit longer than usual, and in somewhat of a place where i'm unsure how to change it. HOWEVER. i do know nothing is ever still, we are always changing, evolving, and then suddenly the weight is lifted.
Thanks for reading by blog, I do hope you come back often :)

angela said...

I've found that sometimes we're in a holding pattern for a reason. Sometimes it's that we need to learn something before moving on or sometimes the planets have to line up just right for us to get our place in line. Certain things can't happen for us if other things don't take place first. Enjoy the view from where you're at for a while. When the time is right, I'm certain you'll come in for a safe landing. :)

And yes, I'll be back.

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