Sunday, September 16, 2007

The need to escape- perfectly.

"You should get in th Carpool lane."
"I don't want to get in the carpool lane."
"WHY?"
"Well, because, we're going the same speed as the people in the carpool lane, plus it makes me nervous. Driving all fast next to the wall like that, and then not being able to change lanes if I feel like I want to. It's restrictive. And if you drive next to the wall you have to drive perfectly, if you drive in the middle lane you have a little bit more room for error. And you can escape."
"Fine. I just don't understand why you wont just get in the carpool lane. It makes way more sense...."
Most people think like this. Most people think it's perfectly sensible to drive in the carpool lane if there are two people in the car. It's like, "YAY! Carpool lane!"....I've actually heard people get that excited.
Now I, am not one of those people. As a matter of fact, I prefer to not even take the freeway- I'd rather take a longer, but more scenic route than drive super fast sandwiched between two high cement walls flying down the road at dangerous speeds... I also may decide on the way to wherever I'm going that, I dont want to go there, I'd like to to go somewhere else first....It's much harder to make choices like that when you're on the freeway. It becomes an ordeal.

My whole issue with driving in the carpool lane is a direct relationship with that fact like I like to have an escape mechanism. Which also speaks loudly the truth of my instense perfectionism mentality- If I can't drive next to wall perfectly, I wont drive there at all, or if there isn't room for me to be "less than perfect" in that situation i'd rather avoid it- when manuevering heavy machinery it's a bit different, because you may break an arm, or smash the side of your car, or your face, etc.... However, I feel like this is a symbol for the way that I live my life-...I need an escape mechanism and I "do it perfectly, or dont do it at all."
Perfectionism often = paralysis.
And always looking for the door- either literally or figuratively, is my way of maintaining my freedom? Everything I do, from the type of jobs I apply to- to the places I decide to live (which is a big one for more lately- there's been much consideration/apprehension to where, when, what I want to do, not because of lack of option- but from indecisivness between one possible good thing to another- with very muddled details of how it all will work.), to my nightly plans, etc.. are all motivated by whether or not I think i'll be able to "get out" of it , if it doesn't suit me. My disdain for the carpool lane revealed how deep this actually is for me.

We do have free will, so there really isn't anything we have to do, we are allowed to make those choices. But there are things that society or people have decided we have to do, which makes our will to stay free, less simple to decide.

You may be thinking, well- what if you're going to work? You can't just decide to drive somewhere else first, or what if you have plans- you cant just decide to change them cause you feel like it. Well, I know that's what you'd think- however, I often decide I'd rather do something else cause I feel like it.

The problem is, I can't decide if this is a great thing, or an extremely bad thing- a selfish thing?

Or if it walks a fine line in the middle of both extremes.

The need to escape and the need for perfection, alone often put you in a predicament and then paired, make deciding. doing. a bit tricky.

Everything that subsequently happens in your life is the result of choices. Those choices do change your experience, even if for a brief amount of time- I guess I have to remind myself, that we are never stuck...even if you feel as if there is no way out, there is. ? And if I truly believed that I would probably have a list of way more life lessons and experiences under my belt, but in the absense of action, I do not.

Because I'm afraid choices I make will affect me negatively, and leave less room in future for the option to make different choices.
I hope i'm not losing you all with this.... hah.
But I suppose those are just fears, and fear is a thing you create- it isn't an actual thing. Action is.

Some of these thoughts were spawned from seeing one of the best movies, I have ever seen in my life- Julie Taymor's "Across the Universe"...They were all fearless, standing for something, imperfect, beautiful....GO SEE IT.
Next time i'm on the freeway I think I will drive in the carpool lane...afterall there is always that opening to change lanes somewhere....
















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