Monday, September 10, 2007

Safety or Satisfaction?

You know you're getting old when you start responding to different things people say- nothing specific- but with concern for safety in each rendition of your response. "Oo, that's not safe." or "Hm, that cannot be safe."

The problem with this is, that i'm not old. I'm not even getting old. But somewhere within the last 4 months of my life, I've become a safety nazi. This speaks to the fact that maybe i'm becoming a bit more responsible, rational....balanced, sane, realistic? I have to say these are all tag lines I dont really want to broadcast over a bullhorn, or put on a name tag. Considering that they take away from my true nature-illogical, free, liberated, extreme, boundless.... a.k.a. More fun.

I have to say this is a reflection of what discontentment will do to you. Safety isn't even really the issue, maybe the root is actually -worry. Who was is that said "Worry is a lack of faith in God?"...I think that's absolutley true. Being a worrier means being a doubter, and considering on my "Life's Soundtrack" (we all have one), I'd like to put "I'm a believer" by The Monkees, as track #1, i'd like to reclaim my fancy-free personality.

This will probably be done in the form of something completely irrational- I.E. Buying a plane ticket to a different country with no plans, no money, no connections. etc. Or maybe dying my hair red?....
I reviewed an old blog that I wrote almost a year ago exactly and it said this-


"It is more heroic to be willing to act in the absense of certainty than to refuse to act without absolute certainty"
-We do much damage by not being patient with our own evolution, which by design and necessity luxuriates an abundance fo time and plot twists. We then communicate with our souls that we do not have faith in them...and we try to MAKE things happen hoping that in doing so we dont inadvertantly open a dark room door while fate is developing our pictures. - Excerpt from "Callings- Gregg Levoy

It seems that even a year ago, I was in the same "spot" I am now. Ready for CHANGE. GROWTH. Satisfaction.

Which to me seems that I haven't learned much if I'm feeling the same a year later...

Last night my two best girlfriends and I sat around watching the VMA'S and nursing our depression over Britney's train wreck performance, with a few Miller Lites, we just sat and enjoyed one anothers company, and I thought to myself- I could never leave this. I love this. I love these people.

But when it comes down to it, my days are not fulll in the way I'd like them to be, and these women will remain my sisters regardless of location.

So, maybe the answer IS- just do it. Yeah Nike, I hear ya...I get what you mean....

GO. LIVE. SAY YES. I'm not saying abandon patience, but I'm realizing action needs to be taken in order for me to experience the transformation i'm seeking.

The exact action? I'm still unsure. You can count on the proceeding days, being meditative for me...burn a little sage, cleanse, breathe, and then....DO. Act. I'll be ready to pounce, prepared :)


B said...

i feel the same way...

Anonymous said...

I love those quotes-- I'll have to check out that book-- and yeah, it does suck to feel you are traveling the same ground as years previous (that's why i never want to read back in old journals I always find the same stuff I whinge about today--gah) but life can turn on a dime-- you never know.

cheers, bluepoppy

Anonymous said...

You write very well.