Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Strike ONE! striiiike TWO!

God, i'm brutal. There are a few things that have changed with me recently- one being the new found appreciation I have for sports, which I think is in direct correlation with my need to STRIKE everything out. I'm in tune with my sports terms. I mean...people are really freaking INNNTOOO their sports here...Granted, we are going to the world series (woop woop!) And yes, I am going to a game( woop woop!), Papa scored some tickets, and actually- sports lover or not...I am seriously looking forward to the madness this entails- A. Passionate people with a few Budweisers in them, and their favorite team on the line always make for good people watching. B. Hot dogs happen to be one of my top five favorite foods- Oscar Meyer was a close friend growing up- him, and Kraft. and C. Condensed male form. Male-ness. Man bodies. Men. And that brings me back to the why i'm using the term STRIKE.. I have a black, black soul. I am convinced I will not get past a first date ever again....In the story of my life- I will be the "One Date Wonder"...I'll break records, show up on Regis and Kelly to break some new Guiness World Record, and they'll say, "Just how do you do it?? Tell us your secrets. The key to your success-less success. (and success is sounding a lot like sex the more I say and type it)" and I'll say, "Well Kelly, Well Reg, it's called the One Strike, Two Strike- and those all pretty much happen before we order dinner." That is, if we even get to the date part. I'll be given some medal for being the most powerful spinster to ever walk the face of the Earth, and feminists, and single women all around will find their single power in my singleness. It'll become some mantra, like the Spice Girls "Girl Powaa"... Forbes- Top 100 Most Successful Spinster's to ever live- and I'll be listed right above Barbara Walters. And...Probably Mariah Carey, I dont think she's dating anytime soon. (Cuckoo cuckoo). With good reason, those high notes could drive anyone to insanity. Back to sports. One huge, huge, MEGA strike- Texting me anytime after midnight. I find it a bit bootycall-ish. and bit is an understatement. And also rude, though it is 2am right now, I do enjoy sleeping. And actually as far as texting me and expecting me to be immiediately available- i.e. calling/texting anytime after 8pm, and assuming I dont have previous plans- When I have to say i'm busy, I feel like an asshole, and when i'm not busy, but i'm already completely content catching up on a good book, I feel even more guilty for just saying no- so then, because you're the asshole who made me an afterthought, i'm left feeling guilty in my jami's, while you're onto girl #2. Now, that rule is exempt if we communicate before 8pm. IF YOU ONLY EVER TEXT ME IN THE EVENING. I ALREADY KNOW...you're not that into me. And if you're not into me, I'm NOT into you. Don't bootycall me, unless we've made previous arrangements. ya know. Strike two usually happens somewhere around the time, when he accidentally mentions he's, "Just not that into books...." and says it as he flex's, this is usually followed by something like, "Yeah me and my buddies...blah blah blah he was talking shit blah blah....and I just totally stomped his face into the curb...blah blah." Ok, so you're tough and you're a douchebag. NEXT. So - One Date Wonder it is, i'm doing my best to remain diplomatic, and open minded....but the more I think about it, being a spinster wouldn't be that horrible. Spinster's are usually "the cool Aunt", and collect exotic spices and take bike tours around Tuscany- or own a cat. And cat's aren't all that bad....

4 comments:

JZ said...

You got tickets?!?! I spent 3 hours trying to get tickets. Oh, and good read as usual.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

My Uncle Will had season passes.... :) yipppeeeee im so stoked. I'm practicing my best "LETS GO ROCKIES" voice. Its perfection.

Anonymous said...

I don't think I have ever read a more interesting blog. I agree with you on the whole texting thing. But what I really dis-like is when you call someone and 2 seconds later they text you back asking you what you want. A 2 min conversation just turned into a 15 min texting adventure. As far as books go, I thought this might be a interesting quote from my favorite author on the topic of boys/love, you win a free taco if you can guess who it is!

"Love (understood as the desire of good for another) is in fact so unnatural a phenomenon that it can scarcely repeat itself, the soul being unable to become virgin again and not having energy enough to cast itself out again into the ocean of another's soul"

Au revoir jeune fille!

Kayleigh said...

I love this post. I have to agree with anonymous- your blog is definitely one of the most entertaining and interesting to read. I constantly think of myself as the "One Date Wonder". It's nice to hear that someone feels the same way, haha. Sometimes I think it's because deep down I really like being independent and don't really want to share myself emotionally with another man. Kind of a "been there done that" sort of thing.

P.S. Hot dogs are the jam. For sure.

 
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