After the trash bags were thrown out, all of my current belongings were set into familiar spaces, I felt a strange sense of....contentment. ? And then instant panic. Of course.
After everything was where it needed to be, where did I need to be??? I immediately started thinking of ways to busy myself again, since "hustle" had become a personality trait, not an action.
"Job hunt, plan your future, do the dishes, paint your nails, send out resumes, attain some knowledge somewhere-grab a book, any book, read it.. Your socks are all put away, the clothes are folded- now GO plan your life you lazy biatch" Woa...inner-pyscho-self...take it down about eight thousand notches.
The contentment I felt was in direct correlation with the fact that I had nothing I needed to really worry about in that exact moment. Even when I was home in the past, I was always fidgety, always ready, always worried I was missing something back in L.A..... I was home but I was carrying a big fat rucksack called "HOLLYWOOD HUSTLE" on my back, at every. single. moment. I never set it down...until today? Which is also where the reason for the panic comes into play..I'm not sure that i'm ready to empty my bags and hand 'em over to goodwill, "Hey it was a nice ride, now let someone else carry you around for awhile." Even if the truth of the matter is there are some holes and tears, and the bag needs a little mending- or a replacement. Like your favorite pair of jeans, that can be ratty and torn- they can always be your favorite but eventually, you need a new pair... ya dig?
I'm always dreaming up the next move. Even without a 20 ton elephant on my back. So I suppose spare myself the actual physical ache, and let it rest.
I've never allowed myself "the process"...I see what someone has at the age of 40, and I think- I should have that now. Because I know i'm fully capable. I like the challenge, even if i'm not. I've never allowed myself to do certain things just because i've thought it would be "fun" if it were taking away from being "goal-oriented" and then when I wasn't attaining anything, I was missing other exciting/appealing opportunites and came out with nothing on either end -but a lesson learned.
I'm in the process. We're all always in the process. You cannot fight it. So i'm putting down the gloves for a second.....I'm so incredibly excited to just let it be. And let it be f*cking phenomenal.
There are so many things I have yet to do- so breaks I still have yet to take. I let myself sit in the "panic" for a moment and rather than actually flip out, which tends to be my initial reaction, I thought- i'm gonna roll with this... I'm uncomfortable, and unsure of where it's leading, I don't see the perfect plan, the perfect step, the booming voice of guidance isn't calling my name... and for once. Thats OK.