Friday, December 14, 2007

Loss of Love

Ehhhh. I was avoiding talking about this. Because the idea of ever feeling NEEDY, PATHETIC, HEARTBROKEN, OR DEPENDANT, have all been emotions i've run from like the plague. I have spent the majority of my life as an adult avoiding letting anyone love me. Strictly in the romantic sense. In the beginning, I don't know that it had all that much to do with rejection, but more fear of codependancy. Losing self reliance. Fear that LOVE would in fact find it's way to nuzzle in between me and my dreams and therefore work as a barrier. And to me, the ability to rely on self was enough for me. Until I decided to love, until I decided to BE that person "in love". To actually, fully, completely, be taken by another person and allow space between myself and dreams, figuring that if it were real, nothing else mattered.

When it comes to friendships it has always been love, because with friendship- it's unconditional. With romantic love, ideally, it should be unconditional...but there's a sense of fear in romatic relationships: fear of losing, fear or heartbreak, fear of disappointment, fear of losing yourself etc. With friends, those fears aren't know, no matter what, that you'll remain YOU, and they'll remain'll be two complete and WHOLE individuals, benefiting from one another rather than taking away from one another. With fear involved the ability to rationalize, not become too needy, not worry yourself into sleepless nights or change yourself in order to "keep" someone, becomes a constant...out of fear of loss. Fear changes all logical thinking, whether is fear of losing or fear of commiting. Fear fixes an idea in your head, a pessimitic and stubborn idea. The road you're on , or the person you're with become fear's warped version.
Without communication, full, complete and honest communication and truth, it's difficult to know where one another stands. And that is where the fear sets in. And too often relationships come to an end from ill communication and worry.

So rather than letting romantic love....this magnificent emotion, just be, there's a desire to grip. So that you won't get hurt. So you won't have to experience loss. It isn't just a person you're losing but a significant piece of yourself, a you that only THEY know. An unfiltered, raw version of you. The you that is open and warm,without rules, without limitation on HOW MUCH to love, how much to give and wanting so badly, to be unconditional...and wanting them in turn, to be unconditionally in love with you.

With love there is risk. Ideally, all love should be received- realistically, it is not. So do you choose to avoid love? Regret it? No. Of course not.

Previously, I would have never let myself fall. Never let myself say every-single-word, feel every-single-thing, or say, "Hey, nothing else matters, as long as you're there, it'll be ok." And though it wasn't received...I could become bitter, say f*ck that, not again. But I realize that wouldn't serve me, in any way, it only makes the loss more painful. So am I hurt? Absolutely. Apprehensive about the future, about men? Absolutely. Do I have questions, do I wake up and say "what the fuuuuck??" every morning? Yep. I do. Do I wish things were different? YES. Do I wonder if there will ever, be anybody that will compare to him, make me FEEL that again? YES. Constantly. But, would I erase it...would I change all of that mixed up, ecstatic, hopeful, frenzied, confusing, sincere, uncenscored, and TREMENDOUS feelings, that was and is undoubtedly love? NO. I wouldn't change a thing. And though there's a piece, a whole larrrge piece that he has, only he knows, and only he will ever know- I wouldn't ask for it back. I would only hope he would cherish it, recognize it. Unconditionally.
Wound's become scars and scars heal. And fear has no place next to love.

1 comment:

Hope said...

I absolutely adored that last line.

Fear has no place next to love. It's so simple but something that I can't seem to ever separate completely.

For me, they'll always be that fear in love. But somehow I have to learn not to let it overwhelm the love.