Monday, December 10, 2007

"The Raft"

For longer than I'd like to remember i've been dangling on a string of failure after failure, disappointment after disappointment, possibilities later to be seen as "distant illusions", options equalling non-options. etc. etc. There are many ways for me to paint the gray picture of what i've been experiencing.

In this past i've been allll about energy. Intuition. Believing and thus receiving. Visualization. FAITH. Having some sort of trust in the universe, and often even seeing in retrospect why certain events worked in they way they did. That was in the past. A past i'm having a hard time outlining for you, because frankly it seems like a long time ago since i've actually believed the words I can easily regurgitate to people in need of "words of wisdom" and scoff at when repeated to myself. I can be such a salesman. It sounds great, i'm really good at selling it and I often trick myself into ACTUALLY believing it, until I find that i'm only believing the words i'm saying based on no actual evidence.

I'm sorry I should have given this blog a disclaimer. With a headline warning you of my pity-party attitude. Actually, let's not call it a party, it's more like a whiny- diary type blog no one should ever really read or they may think you're a cynical asshole. A party would entail chips and dip. Or a cocktail.

Speaking of which- I may still be hungover from my weekend in Vegas (that's a blog suited for a better attitude. Maybe tomorrow after I've consumed 6 cups of coffee and hopefully a scone) which could be attributing to my new alter ego-Downbeat Donna who often is accompanied by Negative Nancy, Sad Sally, Bitter Betty,Dark Darla. And all those other off putting emotions with off putting sorority names.

So. Back to Faith. Strangely enough I have some, I'd just like the opportunity to use it. It's hard to put your faith to use when your visualization is looking something like: A raft. Slightly deflated. Floating. But barely. In what looks like an ocean....or a wide river. Under what seems to be a stormy sky. Movement? Mmm. Not really, just slightly from a ripple, if a fish swims by....a fish! That must be a good sign. There is life out there.

And as far as fish go. There was only one. In my sea...or my wide river. Apparently there are supposed to be many???
I'm assuming that would look something like Vegas this weekend where not only was the Rodeo convention in town, but so where the British. For the Mayweather vs. Floyd fight. That seems like quite the sea of fish in cow boy boots and slurry-British- accents and stumbling. And that also seems like the opportunity to chase some tail. Who's chasing who's tail I don't know, but was tail chased? I think NOT.
I apparently was not in their sea nor were they in mine. They were in England, or on horses and I was drinking my weight in sugar rimmed martinis.

Looks like my visualition needs some work. Slightly deflated means slowly delfating...Thank god I know how to swim.

1 comment:

Jill of All Trades said...

These posts of yours are soooo long ago. It would creep me out to think someone was reading a version of me that is so archaic to the me I am now, but I can't help it, I must comment.

I started with your new posts, of course, and all I could think was "who is this Goddess and how can so many people relate to such refined beauty and courage and Truth?" I decided to troll, and it helped. A post like this is raw-raw beauty and courage and Truth- which I can definitely relate to. Your refinement is in your commitment to YOUR journey. Now I get it-I get who you are and why so many people list you as a blogger they love. Thank you-

I won't over-comment on all of these posts but in this thread you said like a million things that I would've sworn only I felt. Like a million things-the one about Love-seriously? You too? That's some crazy shit. Thank you.