Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Turkey, Icecream and The Moon Face.


It's amazing the amount of things you can get done when you're avoiding writing. To name a few: Peel an avacado- and if you could see my botched attempt at peeling an avacado you'd understand the amount of time that actually took me. Work out- always the perfect diversion. Paint your nails. Update your Ipod- with every song imagineable. And the activity that has most prominently taken over my brain; FOOD.

But no folks, it didn't start, or end with Thanksgiving...I do what I like to call "The preliminary Thanksgiving" in order to maximize the holiday, I stomach stretch for about 3 days prior. The best stomach stretching foods include: CAKE, taquitos, all of Paula Deen's recipes- BUTTER, pizza, RICE, mint chocolate chip icecream and pasta. After you successfully consume all of the above items you will be able to fully enjoy Thanksgiving- as I did.

Unfortunately there are repercussions....something I'd like to call "The Moon Face"
I have this incredible talent of eating anything with sugar, carbs, or salt and magically, my face has an uncanny resemblance to a moon. Large and round. But glowing :) But large.

On the inside I am an obese child with an ravenous junk food tooth. And when unleashed...bringing the moon baby back to health is a bit of a challenge.

SO TODAY- I started anew...thankfully I'm also a bit obsessive compulsive and highly competitive with myself, so when on the "gym kick", "diet kick" or any other "KICK" I frequently kick around starts kickin', I'm full the f*ck out. No slacking. You couldn't pay me to slack.

While I was in the midst of my "avoid writing" activities, I did some ONDEMAND surfing and stumbled upon this dazzling little work out gem called: Carmen Electra StripTease. Oh yes. I had to try it. I'm like, "Ok...burn some calories and look hot doing it...bring it on baby."
SADLY, it didn't work out to be such a success. Partly due to the fact that half the work out consisted of warming up your wrists? I guess wrists would need to be warm for panty flinging, or dollar snatching. And also playing sexy in your hoodie and dad's sweatpants while mirroring Hot McHot Booby Carmen, doesn't do a whole lot for the self-esteem, or libido.

So here I am WRITING.
So many changes in my life have occured recently, and as blunt and honest as I tend to be, you may be shocked to know I do omit many things that happen. So catching up is in order. With all of these changes has come immense...HAPPINESS.
And with my new found happiness...I've adopted a hefty case of writers block.
Part of my wit, dry humor, observations....Surliness? Can be attributed to so much of the unhappiness I'd been experiencing...and also many of the experiences.
But, would I trademy happiness for some quips? I think not. I just need a change of strategy...and only through new experiences, are there new stories...and whether happy or sad, awkward and comedic experiences hang onto my coat tails.

Hope all of you ate yourself into a lazy stupor... Now lets KICK IT!

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Emoting through Myspace

Oh Myspace, Myspace...you now serve as the perfect platform- or bullhorn-emotional podium- for people to passive aggressively express their feelings. Just another step down the slow (yet rapidly increasing) decline of social communication.
There truly is a surplus amount of way's to express your feelings through the catchy world of yourspace; Songs, pictures, surveys, about me's, friend placement interests, backgrounds, etc.
The song's are what really grab my attention. Apparently 70% of American women feel "Bubbly" which, I find interesting, I wonder if Colbie Caillat knew that everyone felt Bubbly...I don't think I myself have ever said- "You know what, I feel kind of bubbly today...it started in my toes...and now i'm crinkling my nose..ya know?"

For those of us who aren't feeling bubbles, there are numerous way's to let everyone know what's going on in your space. Emotions can best be expressed through song:
If you're feeling dangerous-vixeny-maybe a bit drunk? or you'd like to appear like you don't give a sh*t, and you dont have a WIDE musical library your profile song is: Anything Amy Winehouse- she said it best "You know I'm no good." Gr.

I find it especially therapuetic when heartbroken-angry-or recently broken up to pick songs directly related to the tumultuous sitautaion. Even better if the song speaks in first person.If it's an "angry love song" by- Rhianna, Britney, Jessica Simpson, Fergie, Ciara, or J. Lo- I dont believe you. Kelly Clarkson get's a free pass, she seem's pretty pissed off. In general its better to go with a band, or an artist who's probably been on a Greys Anatomy episode. Please avoid Evanescense you don't want people to put you on suicide watch.

If you're feeling, A. super cheesy B. super in Love or C. super cheesy? did I say that? You'll most likely have Michael Buble on your page.

The profile song mustn't be underrated, it is the core of your inner most thoughts....ha. or it's at least your current situtation and hey, we like to keep people updated. Be wary of those who from a Jack Johnson to Seether in a few days, and think twice before you get jump on that rollercoaster...

Now let's talk a bit about the myspace photo. It's basically your front cover...and you'd be surprised how many people judge by the front cover. It's all marketing people. So now, there's a whole sea of tricksters who have "that-one-good-photo" and decide, I'd like to be represented "like this!", and you're like woa man, I didn't accept you cause that picture didn't even look like you!
Then there's all those people with a Mac who like to be "artsy" with the four frame Andy Warhol picture- awesome. And overdone.
Don't forget the famous self taken photo where one tries to appear pensive and in contemplative thought- but really they've been self-taking brooding photos for 30 minutes attempting to find the one that speaks-Lost in thought. I'm so deep. Add me.

Myspace is all about how you WANT people to perceive you. You pick the background according to what speaks your personality, the picture directly represents how you'd like people to perceive your life- fun, playful, interesting, social, etc...All of the people with group photos and shots in hands, message conveyed: you social butterfly.

It's brilliant in the way that it's "yourspace" to express all and show people what you represent. Who you are. It's also perfect for stalking old friends, ex's, etc., informing everyone what you ate for breakfast over time consuming surveys-like we care, and ranking who's occupying your number one spot in your life (p.s. I WOULD take serious offense if my best friend took me out of that position. That Top friends shit is no joke.) and letting everyone in on your little world of you.

So sing out profile! say what we're dying to say! and remember, you should never underestimate the power of what your Myspace represents.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Operation JH Part 2: All is full of lies

NOTE:: I wrote this blog about two weeks ago and avoided posting it in case any prospective employer was perusing my blog....that was first red light- If you want be YOU in your work place, it'll make it slightly more difficult.. NEEDLESS to say, I didnt get the job. PHEW. so here it is! And shame on me i've been a wretched blogger lately with my non-blogging, but I have ALOT of catching up to do...so i'll be better. promise. :)

Have any of you seen those surveys?....The 35 page surveys that are done online, while applying for jobs- regarding your personality, situational questions, temper quesitons, etc. They ask the same question 12 times to see if you'll slip up and eventually just admit that you'll snap on a customer if you're having a shitty day, or you have deep seeded control issues and you're an completele basket case. Anyways: I had to take one of these surveys- apparently I seemed sane enough for an interview. So here it goes:

I've found the only way to get hired (which I still have yet to be hired- but I know this is the solution) Is- TO LIE. Lie, lie, lie. Lie. I'm not big on lying- I dont like liars, I never lie for fun- or make up harmless white lie stories for emphasis or fluff, it's just not my schtick. I'm keen on truth-often too truthful I suppose. That being said, I'm also poor, and borrowed 20 dollars from my 11 year old sister to buy enough gas to get from point A to point B- no joy riding (which I really really miss. I'm huuuge on wasting gas for the sake of a good "drive"). I've successfully managed to drive on empty for almost 3 weeks. Weird, I know.

Back to my successful interview of deciet.
"So tell me what appeals to you about the cosmetics deparement at ::BLANK::"

In my most political tone- whitout hesitation. Pure confident storytelling.
"The People." -My inner voice is laughing at me."I just love interacting with people, it's changes it up day to day, I like to make people feel good, the company is outstanding, the service is exceptional, the customers AND the employees are treated with utmost respect- I mean...I was living in L.A. and on set there were always make-up artists, crew, etc. And I would sit there and think- (I'm such a liar) If I weren't doing this- I want want to be doing what they're doing. I just have such a passion for it!!"

Ok- So the first half was mostly true- Did I really need to go the extra mile, and make up a story about dreams as a make-up artist??? Seriously? I could give a shit about Dusty rose or Paradise pink blush, and skin tone and blaaah blaaaaah.

She totally bought it. I feel like an asshole.
"Wonderful! So...When I hire someone, I really, really, want to make sure that they're someone who wants to be here for a year plus- I mean we all have sales goals, and we work holidays, we work weekends- and we do this to reach our goals...now...does this sound like you..."

Here I go again.

"OH! OF course, of course,..."
Honestly i'm already considering quitting. Give it 3 months. But really, why do they even say "part-time" on the survey? or which hours you'd like- if they're going to have you work FULL TIME, all the time, regardless. Don't tease me with options you nazi's. Sure, I'd love to spend Thanksgiving with you people and your goals to sell massive amounts of bronzer.

They want you to say: I want to grow with the company, I want this to be long term. And I know there are companies out there I'd love to grow with....it's just a matter of finding them...thankfully I have some time to spare to try and figure it out....but the clock's ticking...
 
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