I was standing on top of a high-rise, on the balcony, in my leotard. Apparently waiting in line for Baja Fresh (why?). When I saw them...The Musician's parents coming towards me. I was not prepared for their friendly embrace, partly because I was in a leotard, and what's more vulnerable than wearing a leotard and seeing your ex's parents. They told me he waited and waited for me to call...He was devastated, completely "broken up" over the "whole thing"- I hate it when people refer to relationships and significant chunks of your life as a "thing". I pleaded with them to understand that it wasn't my fault...I was the one waiting for him to call. I was the one that was hurt. NOT HIM.
Then I woke up. Dreams are fucking strange. It was 5:13 am, the sun was coming up and I couldn't fall back asleep. I tried the mantra "think of nothing, your brain is completely empty, darkness, you have no thoughts, you are sleeeping" and of course each time I said that I started to think of him.
I've done fairly well cementing him out of my brain and making myself semi-delusional in acting as if I barely remember it was only a month ago, tomorrow, that he called and said- "I don't think you should move out here." It started with, "We need to talk.....but don't worry it's not that big of a deal...I'll call you later."
NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL?! Are you fucking insane?! I had planned to move to Seattle on Jan 1st....and telling me you didn't want me there was, "not that big of a deal?!" WHERE IS YOUR SOUL?! It was your idea. YOU said I love you first, you said it was better when I was there, you said hurry up.
I made him talk to me right then. I said I didn't want later, I wanted now and I needed to know what the hell was going on....I was basically begging him to tell me he was done, so I could start hating him. Tell me he wanted to see other people, so that I could tell him he was a fool. But he didn't.
He said...."I'm getting on the bus, I'll call you when I'm home."
And that will have been a month ago tomorrow. He just never called.
Almost four years of trying to see other people, getting together and realizing we were meant to be together and then taking a break again because it didn't make sense. We were in seperate states, we wanted different things. Four YEARS and he just didn't call me back?......
We were there, our timing was finally right, we were finally in the same chapter, in the same book, a page we'd been trying to be on together for so long. I was finally letting him love me.
The last thing he said to me in person, the day after Thanksgiving was," I love you."
I said, "What?" I knew what he said....I just wanted to hear him say it again, maybe because subconsciously I knew it'd be the last time.
"I love you." He said it louder, he smiled and looked me right in the eyes. The eyes that were looking at him and loving him, completely. "I love you too."
So now, I'm trying to keep him out of my brain. I'm busying myself with looking at new men, new bodies, new personalities, new hands, and i'm attempting to act intrigued, because I desperately want to be. And my dreams are reminding me that he's still there...my subconscious still has a whole chapter that is him. We still have the same friends, I still have his things, he still knows how much I love Swedish Fish and he probably would have brought my chicken noodle soup on my current deathbed, I still have a pillow with his face on it, and now i'm back in the state where we were once together, doing the things we did together; alone. When i'm asleep, that is the last place where I want him to be, because it's the one place where he wasn't.