The Don't Series

1.Do not ever attempt Mariah or Whitney karaoke. They'll always be better.
2.Don't wear copious amounts of L.A. Looks hairgel unless you want to look like you work at Jiffy Lube, or Jon's Autobody.
3.Don't eat bananas or apples within 20 ft. of another human. They both make irritating noises that could lead to potential violence.
4. Don't shave your bikini line while you're in a hurry. Unless you want a botched vag.
5. Don't say "Miss Jackson if you're nasty" to people named Janet.
6. Don't say to me, "Does this match??" I don't effing know, I never match. Matching is for people with no imagination.
7. Don't drive while holding a dumbell in one hand and a toothbrush in another. Yes, I've seen this.
8. Don't ask me if I've "Accepted Jesus into my heart" If we're close enough for you to ask me such a personal question, you'd already know the answer.
9. Don't floss with strands of your hair; in public.
10. Don't trust people who say, "Can I be honest with you?" You mean, you haven't been?
11. Don't say "panties"- ever. The word makes me feel like a 5 year old prostitute.
12. Don't forget to turn off the lights. Ya know, Global Warming.
13. Don't date guys who are looking at your Mothers rack. Unless it's better than yours. They're hard wired.
14. Don't make anymore excuses for Lindsay Lohan. I'm sick of her face.
15. Don't assume a man is straight if he's wearing a V-neck shirt.
16. Don't blame it on rap music.
17. Don't blame Marilyn Manson. Stop blaming the f*cking music.
18. Don't blow your nose at the dinner table.
19. Don't let your horoscope determine the course of your day.
20. Don't wear big earrings when you work out. I almost chipped a tooth.
21. Don't ride a bike while you're drunk, unless you have a really good helmet and a cushy ass.
22. Don't tell me Amy Winehouse to go to rehab. She already said no three times. (I'm not saying I agree, but she's been pretty clear.)
23. Don't wear a white dress to a wedding, you aren't the damn bride- attention whores.
24. Don't say, "Well Dr. Phil said...."
25. Don't throw in your commentary at a movie theater, this isn't The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
26. Don't read the newspaper on the toilet, if it's going to take that long I'd suggest a trip to the Dr.
27. Don't take any parenting tips from Wife Swap.
28. Don't ask someone if you can kiss them. Just go Tarzan on them and start licking their face.
29. Don't go to Kohls. Unless you want to look bored with life.
30. Don't ask why I don't like- fish, steak, vomit, etc. Ask my fucking tastebuds they made the decision.
31. Don't tell me you like to hunt. Or I'll strap antlers on your head and make you gallop in a field.
32. Don't burn my ear drums with Russian techno dance music blaring from your souped out Honda.
33. Don't vote Republican.