All I want today is a doughnut. A big, sticky, sugary, flaky- doughnut.
And I'm fucking incensed over it.
All I want to do today is be elbow deep in butter cream frosting and rub it all over my face like war paint, while making Indian battle cries over my victory of gluttony.
And I'm so irate over it, that I cursed my salad for tasting like a fucking salad, instead of a cupcake.
No, I'm not about to start my period. I'm just being reminded that my eating has to be so conscious in order to not fall back into a period of my life that was so unhealthy and dark. A period where I let my mind, stress, and brutal standards for myself- take over.
I used to have an eating disorder.
I never would acknowledge that that's what it was, that was too difficult to even think in my head. I never CALLED it that instead I used words like- hardcore dieting, choosing healthy options, and on the bad days I was having a "Free day"- though most people's free days didn't include 4 stops to 4 different fast food chains, followed by 2 boxes of cereal, followed by candy bars, followed by liquor, followed by pastries, followed by immobility. And often followed by vomiting.
I went through a period of living solely off of Atkins Bars and Starbucks "replacement meals", and took up "forgetting to eat", then would indulge my ex when he brought me Starbursts and I devoured the whole thing since all I'd eaten all day was a diet coke and a scoop of peanut butter. I only let him take me to dinner twice in the two years we were together. Twice.
I was in the midst of a culture that would prefer my body to look like a prepubescent 12 year old girl, rather than that of a woman's body- unless the curves were properly placed, i.e. Boobs, ASS, and tiny waist. This body is as rare as finding a wolf sauntering down the highway, though I figured if I couldn't have THAT, I would look thin.
My thin size 3/4 was the biggest size at every audition. Every, audition. Or else I'd be cast as a character, or "friend of" the leading lady.
The double zeros warped my mind so much that this desire to be thin that started off as vanity, ended up a mind battle that had nothing to do with ME but with my thinking. The constant calorie checking on my cell phone calculator, people calling you "crazy" and not understanding whatsoever the inner battle, the intense two a days at the gym, the popcorn and hot coffee as a meal started to burn my stomach, the thinking obsessively about what I COULD eat next....and then a day, or a week, or two would hit- and I'd feel so deprived I'd turn into a ravenous animal with absolutely no control of my desire to eat everything I saw. It was an out of body experience, a loss of control to intense I couldn't even IMAGINE behaving in this way now. I was feeling lack, self destruction, the need for perfection, and the need for control.
I have been healthy and completely safe from my previous behavior for a little over a year.
I have been kind to myself, patient and accepting of my body. Of food. I've allowed myself ice cream even if it meant I ate it 4 times a week. I've started cooking and baking and learning to appreciate the art of food.
And finally; I've accepted the curves of my stomach, the roundness of my face, the strength and contour of my legs, the length and grace in my arms and that little extra I carry in my ass.
But there are days, when I'm still reminded of the mindfulness that I have had to acquire to maintain balance and a healthy lifestyle.
I almost always want a bagel and cream cheese for breakfast, I almost always want to say yes to dessert, I almost always want to live off of thick macaroni and cheese and garlic bread and there are days when I almost look in the mirror and get angry for being less than an unrealistic standard of beauty. I realize, on those days, I have to change the standard and BE beauty, see it in myself- be my own Dove campain.
On those days, I have to remind myself of how far I've come and strong I've become. How I've come through a situation and a lifestyle that didn't even seem abnormal to me in Hollywood. I have to remind myself that food is to be celebrated and enjoyed, that macaroni and cheese can be amazing if it isn't "the enemy" and that red velvet cake shouldn't be forbidden breakfast, but an indulgence that is a pleasure.
I have to remind myself that a lot of people don't understand, but a lot of people do....and I have overcome this gracefully and will continue to accept and live in the body and mind I've been given.
And if you've been there- you can too.