Monday, January 21, 2008

Shut up, I'm in Colorado....

"1,200 pounds of buckin' horse, jerkin' yer chain for a whole 8 seconds!! YEEEHAAAAW...
That's all kiiinds uh hard ridin'!!" This is a quote too good for me to invent, those words came out of a real mans mouth without even the slightest idea that it reeked of sexual innuendo.

Sounds like I found myself in the midst of a crazy porno. Wrong, my friends, though I'm all about an adventure- I found myself at the rodeo- The National Western Stockshow, folks. Well, I didn't "find" myself, I found a new part of myself that finds cowboys devilishly sexual. I also decided snow cones are a stupid, stupid, invention and I cannot make myself enjoy one- not at the circus, not at a carnival and not at a rodeo and apparently this is unacceptable- everyone does not like snowcones. gross.

It was a perfectly planned excursion; I even wore the boots. The only thing missing was a Bedazzled pair of cameltoe- inducing Wranglers and maybe a button down with the words, "Loud and Proud!" stitched on the back (I could've asked the lady in front of me if I could just borrow hers, to lasso in a nice stead.)
Though, I'm all about doing anything with a theme- I couldn't bear that sort of discomfort of a cameltoe, not even for the attention of a cowboy.

However, I did fake an accent all night. Pretty believeable until I screamed, "YO!" to the kettle corn vendor. Yo, is totally not a cowboy saying. Wrong venue. Wrong salutation. Wrong.

My favorite part- Muttin' bustin'. :: what in the hell is muttin' bustin?::
Let me paint you a picture:

Parents volunteer their children, between the ages of 5-7 to compete in riding on top of a sheep running at the fastest possible sheep speed, until the baby falls off.
It doesn't get much better than watching a 5 year old, named TUCK, hold on for dear life until ultimately he falls head first into a pile of cow manure while onlookers cheer/laugh at such a brave victory. If you don't find that cute, then I don't know what is.

Next in line- the rodeo participants. I discovered a strange and unusual new attraction-similar to my newfound attraction that said, "You think Anderson Cooper is a sexy stud." while watching CNN; Cowboys.

There's something old-fashioned and romantic about having a fella' tip his hat to you and call you miss. And yeah, CHAPS-I can dig it. Cowboys, seem chivalrous and respectable. They hold their ladies hands delicately, which says a lot considering these men tackle steer. A nice country boy could water down my crazy and keep it at a simmer.

With the Dodge sponsor signs hanging from every corner with the saying "Grab life by the horns" it seemed to me they meant to say something else....if you catch my drift....
"Why sir, don't mind if I do."

The event itself was entertaining-obviously, but not nearly as entertaining as the creative folks that set up booths to sell these:
Photobucket

Now that's what I call gettin' lit (I had to.) Something tells me this wasn't meant to be kitschy?

34 comments:

The Maiden Metallurgist said...

Make sure you get one of those huge turkey legs and watch out in this snow, it's slippery!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Oh....Dude, I'm all about the turkey leg, for the ultimate stockshow experience.

Exposed said...

Oh yeah, I went through a country-line-dancing phase in high school and one of my favorite moments was being serenaded Happy Birthday, on bended knee, by a bunch of boys who made a point to remove their ten gallon hats first.

I've been a little conflicted on my stance on manners, but something about a traditional man in a time of politcally correct unisexiness makes me reach for a lasso, too.

Anonymous said...

Hit up the Denver Diner, sometime after midnight, after any country concert (Kenny Chesney, Garth Brooks, hell... Even Carrie Underwood) and you'll meet a ton of cowboys. Most of 'em have enough liquid courage to start conversations with good-looking girls like yourself sitting around them.

blueey424 said...

Chels...PBR is a punk rock beer...totally, completely, and entirely...the punks actually own this beer. Really.
They do, I know this. Anyway, what the hell was it doing at the NWSS???? Nothing is further apart than cowboys and punks...except maybe jocks and punks. at any rate, PBR rocks

A.P. said...

ahhhhh i was smiling the whole time i read this. cute post. and i love your sudden interest in cowboys! because I've sorta found an attraction to some farmer boys in Hometown-- check my post "I think his tractor's sexy" if you haven't already! lol

Southern Sage said...

Damn whatcha got against a turkey leg?
I sure hope you ain't hating on my wranglers!

Vanessa said...

I wish I could have your spirit of enthusiasm for this stuff. I'm in Dallas and look around and see this same crap and I just think to myself, I'm in hell, get me out, I'm in hell, and oh look it got down to 29 degrees. Hell f*cking froze over, they say it can't happen but hell froze over and here I am in the middle of it....

Shanti said...

hahahahaha. i'm dying from reading this. seriously. is it sad that i read the first sentence and knew it was about rodeo? mind you i grew up in long beach no where near horses or cowboys, but i LOVED rodeo movies and always wanted to go to one. maybe next time?

Barrie said...

After reading this great post, I absolutely must have to go to a rodeo. There's actually one only about 10 minutes. It's in the summer. However, I will NOT be volunteering my 7 year old for muttin' bustin'!!

ana said...

hahaha, I wanna go to a rodeo now...what fun!
and BTW yeah I thought ow goody a prono story...not so, but hey a rodeo story is just as good.

Chele said...

ooh I totally agree with men saying ¨miss¨ in their cowboy hats, after I read that sentence I kept imagining Swayer from Lost saying ¨little lady¨ to me....he would make a good cowboy...

lspoon said...

PBR nightlight? Oh wow. That is spectacular.

Raven said...

Living in Texas as I do, I am kinda over the whole Rodeo experience but it's cute reading your take on it :)

La said...

That is frickin AWESOME. I went through my country phase the year I graduated college and lived out in the sticks, and it was like, the BEST time of my life.

:)

Jess said...

Torsten and I have found ourselves watching rodeos on TV sometimes, somewhat appalled but unable to drag our eyes away. There's just something about them.

Deutlich said...

oh. my word.

Hiya, I'm Kristie. said...

Come on down to Fort Worth, there's a TON of cowboys here, all waiting and ready. ;-)

Who? Me? said...

I soooo want to go to a rodeo. I grew up in the country, so I know country boys have manners (among other things, wink wink).

Renee said...

Could you pick me up a PBR nightlight? Better yet, one for every room of my house?
Thanks.

Don't die when I say the following:
Anderson Cooper dressed as a cowboy.

OMG HOT.

blogging said...

OMG. that pabst light is priceless.

and dude- cowboys? devilishly sexy? amennnn sistah.

Lynn said...

That sounds basically awesome. I was in Wyoming or Montana or something a few years ago & there were a ton of people staying in the same hotel who were part of some sort of high school rodeo competition. I didn't actually get to see the rodeo though.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Exposed- a country line dancing phase? You are totally awesome.

anonymous- Thanks for the tip! I've found myself at Denver Diner a few times usually after a bit of drinking.

Bluey- PBR Does rock and apparently the cowboys think so to! It was definitely out of place I'll agree with you on that one.

a.p.- can't wait ot read that post. lol

Southern Sage- I like the Wranglers....I said that in my blog crazy man.

Vanessa- hahaha yeah I dont know about living in it...

Shanti- you MUST go to one. MUST.

Barrie- yeah muttin' bustin' is astrange sort of child abuse that I find wildly entertaining.

Ana- haha sorry to disappoint you, I'll try to make sure I include a porno story soemtime soon.

Chele- lol sawyer from lost goood one!

lspoon- You totally want one.

Raven- YEAAAAAH LOL Its amusing.

la- thats rad, country phases are essential for all.

Jess- I know, its magical.

Deutlich- lol. I know....

Kristie- I may just take the invitation!

Who? me?- GOOD TO KNOW. THANKS FOR VALIDATING:)

Renee- Anderson Cooper in chaps......awwwww.....niiiice.

Blogging- Hollllaaaaaaaaaaaa

Lynn- you must eventually see the rodeo.

Virginia said...

That nightlight is fantastic! I made a lamp out of a Carlo Rossi wine jug once and gave it to my boyfriend, and it was seriously the best present ever. Apparently light bulbs + empty alcohol bottles = genius.

And cowboys...mmmmmmm...

Katelin said...

Hahaha, that is hilarious. I can only imagine how funny it must have been to see kids riding sheep, especially named Tuck. Love it.

Samantha_K said...

You wore boots.

Awesome.

I also hate snowcones.

Nilsa S. said...

I've been to see bull riding before (I was schooled big time when I mistakenly called it the rodeo). It's a whole 'nother world for this city girl. But, kinda fun.

The Charming Hedonist said...

It took me a minute to realize it was a night light. Oh my effing god.

I dig Anderson Cooper (even though he doesn't dig me) and I havea thing for cowboys too. I feel ya.

Jenny DeMilo said...

I love cowboys and i love PBR. I found myself in Vegas for the National Rodeo Finals. Me and a girlfriend spent one evening bullshitting with a bar full of cowboys about ways to sell their cattle in china. I shit you not. Yeeehaw!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

jenny- I WAS THERE TOO!!!!!!!! COWBOYS AND THE FIGHT, IT WAS A SERIOUSLY INTENSE WEEKEND.

Princess Pointful said...

I spent a few years in Calgary, Canada, the home of the infamous Calgary Stampede. Unfortunately, the city was swamped by fake cowboys, and cheezy girls with assless chaps... not quite as genuine an experience as yours, it seems.

Maxie said...

I live like 3 minutes away from a rodeo arena and I've never been... maybe I'll need to check it out :-)

r.xo said...

Huh. My experience is the same as Princess Pointful's. A few years back, dozens of horses were killed when they got spooked on a bridge during the rodeo parade. I think I'm still kind of permanently scarred :/ Doesn't hurt that my ex of most recent entry was a cowboy. Add it all up, and I have great disdain for the rodeo! But great love for the way you write!

Camels & Chocolate said...

HA, I worked on a ranch in Arizona for three summers. I was a mutton bustin' queen =)

 
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