WAL*MART is depressing.

Let's talk about Wal-Mart, shall we? "Wal-Mart people watching" is almost as good as "airport people watching", and "stock show people watching". Who doesn't love to watch a lady with a banana clip in her hair and rhinestoned cowboy boots, made of denim, chow down on a turkey leg?

Today while I waited 45 God forsaken minutes in the pharmacy (I finally caved and went to the doc, to help me get rid of my FLAMING SWOLLEN throat), I made two observations: Everyone in my Wal-Mart is either 70 years old, or has 70 children.

There are numerous reasons why I don't support the company and have only shopped there ONCE, but today- I desperately needed my prescription filled and it was the most convenient. Convenience is always the thing that pulls you in, huh? Especially since Wal-Mart takes up almost as much land as my entire town.

Wal-Mart is beneficial for only a few people I can think of; Catholics, Mormons, and Old people, its cheap so you can buy all the necessities for your compound and for the elderly, it's a one stop shop; so they don't keel over and die. Oh, and let's not forget the sq ft. you walk in an average "Wal-Mart expedition" could probably burn a significant amount of calories for those looking to burn off the hoagies. That you can buy conveniently for $1.29 on aisle 7.

The kids pile into the cart and munch on yogo's and string cheese while their mothers throw eight boxes of "100 calorie Ritz snacks" on top of their Twister formation; since one box wouldn't suffice when you're The Old Lady Who Lived in the Shoe.

If you think about it, it truly is God's gift. God's gift to people with an unnatural birth rate. Those people tend to be people who condemn birth control. And would rather use their bodies as a baby factory, popping them out as fast as Wal-Mart's turn over; in and out, in and out, keep 'em coming, there's eggs to spare.

Now, the pharmacy area.....oh, that's like Candyland to seniors. Discount supplies of Tucks, Preparation H (almost a full shelf of varieties), and a whole bevy of flavored fiber supplements. Berry Blue or Citrus Sun?
This just reminded me of how I desperately would like to avoid old age. I never want to have to stand in front of a shelf; eyesight failing, grumbling under my breathe about random things like eggs and soap operas, and needing assistance finding the proper stool softener.

Thank you God for my current youth. I promise to cherish it and I apologize for being a douche.

25 minutes into my wait, I noticed an old man....leering at me from behind a massive supply of Imodium. I thought maybe he was trying to remember what he was standing there for....or where he was. He starts eyeing me, up and down....noticing my hoodie and tattered Uggs.
I couldn't help myself but I wanted to blurt out, "I'm so sorry women are such slobs nowadays and don't look like Bette Davis!!! I promise, I look nice in a dress if I reaaaallly try."

"Those boots must be really warm."
He likes my boots! He's staring cause he likes my boots!! Or wait....is that a line? I forget- Old men used to be young men, and though the parts are rusty....they're still intact.

"Chelsea Talks Smack, your prescription is ready!"
Thank you father, who created the great Wal-Mart for the "saved by the pharmacist" and for reminding me why 20something doesn't suck that bad and to take my birth control. Amen.