Scary movies were only appealing to me when it was an excuse to cuddle up next to a boy, who I would usually be too afraid to touch. Axe murders make clutching to sleeves with sweaty palms and fluttering hearts, completely acceptable.
I can only recount about one time when I've slept with a knife next to my bed and only once have I needed a friend to come rescue me (that was when the mafia visted, seriously. But that's another blog)
Earlier in the year when I was planning a year long trip overseas, people would say, "Oh GOODD, aren't you afraid??"
Call me naive, but I'm pretty sure statistics say I am much more safe in Europe, than walking down Hollywood Blvd everyday after school and even then, I wasn't afraid. Parking half a block away from my apartment in L.A. and sprinting to my front door every night, keys gripped in my hand,white knuckles and breathless speed- wasn't so safe either.
Fear is an incredibly powerful emotion. Fear can create something, out of nothing. Like most children, I had monsters under my bed and I would have sworn on the Bible that they reached through the bed springs and grabbed my ankles a few times. Fear has the power to create something that real. I've mentally created footsteps following me, jiggling door handles, booming voices of intruders and "The Boogey Man."
On the same hand, people being afraid for you, is just as powerful.
SO, every time someone says, "Well, I worry about you......" I want to say, "PLEASE STOP SENDING ME THAT TOXIC ENERGY."
Then I usually get some sort of response like, "Don't stick your head in the sand, blah blah." Well, my head is surely not in the sand, if it were, I wouldn't own two industrial sized cans of mace.
However, It cannot be my focus. If fear is your focus, then paralysis is your outcome. This is partially the reason why half of the time I watch the news, it's on MUTE.
It'd be much easier to sit inside all day, to stay in one place, to drive down the same road, to keep quiet and on a different fear based level: to avoid risk. To make pro's and con's list before every action and let a balance of "con's" outweigh a possible balance of, opportunities.
So when people say, "Aren't you afraid?" I say, "I don't do fear."
Fear has no place in my house.
Now, I'm not a complete warrior; I do get the willies, I do get nervous, I do get anxious (I get anxious, sort of a lot.), I do get uneasy (I've gotten really good at following my gut, even if my uneasiness seems ridiculous and unjustified.), and all of those other low energy emotions. I am HUMAN, so I do have them....Some things that have given me the heebee jeebees lately:
-Piles of Garbage...I envision rats leaping at full speed towards my face.
-Trench coats- come on, Trench coats are fucking scary...and people who wear them, try to look "scary."
-my newfound love for Destiny's Child, "Cater to you....." Since its the most demeaning, powerless song written by a woman ever. And it's on repeat on my ipod.
-Running out of peanut butter.....hi, terrifying.
-Losing my Metrocard from a sudden gust of blustering wind.
And, right now...that's about it.
Fear has to be consciously controlled and though it is a constant effort, and I believe: a choice, it is worth it to be unafraid, it is empowering, enabling and bold.
How much power does fear have in your life????