Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Did you read the label on that??

Most things that we ingest into our body we can find out exactly what it is we're ingesting: ingredients, calories, chemicals, possible side effects, etc.

This is for our safety. For our judgement, so we can say, "Hey, I don't feel like popping that pill to get rid of a back ache and trade it in for a bleeding ass hole." or, " Hey, I don't want to feed my baby high fructose corn syrup and chemicals tested on rats, since, my baby is not a rat, yet."


We're given the proper information so that we can decide whether we want to put our bodies through the effects of things that could be harmful.

Now, it seems to me that when the "big man" was making US, you'd think the same rules would apply, no?

For instance, when it comes to matters of the heart we're not given the option of a disclaimer to make an intelligent, fact based, decision on whether giving your most valuable organ to someone is a good idea.

But, when I have a flaming headache- I can pick up a bottle of Advil and risk facial swelling, hoping it all lands in my lips rather than my eyelids.


So if I were to be created again, possible suitors would see this handy little thing- a warning label:


Often "too busy", not the best cook but will give it a valiant effort, hates blow jobs, likes to travel so often that you're not always invited, sassy, short fuse, unafraid of fighting in public, will not let you touch her feet, likes to argue, a stickler about promptness, a bit messy, thinks picking her nose is fun, competitive as all hell, challenging- most of the time, easily bored, loves babies, could kick your ass at beer pong, will instantly make friends with your grandma, ruthless when it comes to ex-girlfriends, instant road rage while bickering, will tell you that you have horrible taste in film making if you enjoyed War of the Worlds.


Then of course you could find the extended version in small print somewhere on the internet. But, the warning label would give you just enough info on whether or not....I'm date worthy, whether you should ingest me into your life.


The question is, would I have chosen differently had I seen THIS warning label:

Runs late, smokes more than he should, has a victim mentality, nothing is ever good enough, not so adventurous, no desire to see the world, wouldn't be able to kick ass in a dark alley, say's he never lies and is lying, thinks you owe him, prefers one position, low earning potential, too quiet in social outings, walks with his head down, selfish, apathetic about current events, lacks spirituality, uses guilt as a tactic, hates Panda Express, lacks loyalty to friends, easily offended, cheater, low moral fiber, 5 minutes max, and will ultimately break your heart.


Eh, I think I'll have a V-8.

It only makes SENSE to print these labels somewhere on our body- the side effects are far more altering subconsciously and physically. AND come on, pumping a stomach is a much easier task than mending a heart.

What are some things you wouldn't have swallowed had you known their effects??

Any warning labels you would have kept on the shelf???


85 comments:

kimberlie said...

ahh very nice! Let me think...no, i think you have covered it all...

:)

Felix for Zosia said...

I agree with Kimberlie that you covered everything, but I would have liked a warning label for my current flatmate: tightarse, boring, homophobic.

lspoon said...

This is fantastic. And I think 'hates blowjobs' might be a disclaimer on most women's warning labels. :)

autobiographyofmyfeet said...

hahaha!
I think this might be my first comment, but I've reading you for a bit and this drove me out of "hiding" - LOVE the warning labels, I think everyone should get one!

Maxie said...

I love this entry.

um maybe if the label would have said cocky for no reason, liar, obnoxious, .... oh who am I kidding. I still would have done it.

The Dutchess of Kickball said...

I unfortunately do a lot of online dating. I clearly display all my "warning label" on all my profiles. Take it or leave it, just don't say I didn't warn you.

emmaenlighted said...

Oh, warning labels like that would be genius!! Definitely would have stayed away from "great guy friends that turn into relationships that later end up as awkward acquaintances."

DJSassafrass said...

One I should have seen: incapable of accepting blame, latent displaced anger, money hungry, greedy bastard, not above stealing all you have ever worked for and then dumping you.

Raven said...

Who in the hell hates blow jobs?

That would make me pass for sure!

Raven said...

OH! Heh, I totally read that wrong. YOU hate them. Makes much more sense now. Move along. Nothing to see here.


(I don't get it really cuz I dig giving them but to each their own!)

Valerie said...

My ex-boyfriend: Will blame you for all of his problems (even the ones he had before you start dating), doesn't bathe daily, has a drug problem, likes to yell, and has a small penis.

Stephanie said...

Love this post...now I'm interested in writing my own warning label. :)

jennifer said...

fabulous.

x

Kateastrophe said...

I can think of SO MANY, for me and other people. but it would turn into the comment from hell sooooo

FABULOUS post. I heart you.

Lisa said...

I LOVE this! I realized somewhere along the way that I would sort of announce my warning label content on early dates - sort of like, if you can't deal with this, I am not the person for you. Not everyone appreciates that approach. But man, I'd have loved warning labels for, oh, almost every last one of the guys I've fallen for over the years.

La said...

I absolutely love this idea. I kind of see my blog as a warning label, so if anyone who reads it still wants to meet me? We're golden.

:)

Sizzle said...

i love the whole idea of warning labels- i even wrote about it a couple years ago. i'm SO with you! i don't even like V8 and i'd still opt for in that case.

http://sizzlesays.wordpress.com/2006/03/09/warning-labels/

Michelle & the City said...

this was great.

there are plenty of labels i would have avoided i'm sure. friends, romantic interests, etc.

i would definitely have avoided this one:
egotistical. selfish. will only call or text when he feels like it. likes casual non-labelled relationships. is a firefighter, but is better at dealing with the "false alarm" at CVS then putting out a real fire.

Pare said...

Can't admit he really wants you to be a housewife.

Trying right now to walk away from that.

nicoleantoinette said...

"I think I'll have a V-8"

Stop it. You kill me. This was spectacular Chelsea.

I'm going to be thinking about my warning label all day. I might even have to post it!

Joy @ Big Time Fancy said...

The bit about Panda Express is especially poignant.

Also, BJ's. What boy in his right mind hates BJ's? Was he allergic to saliva or something?

heidikins said...

Haha, this is fantastic.

Great post!

xox

A Margarita said...

I don't know if I'd want to come with a warning label, lol. No one would go out with me. I'm going to write my own warning label and lie.

Katherine said...

You know, one of the things I said repeatedly to the last guy when I felt I was being a little crazy was "I really should come with a warning label." He never knew what I meant...his warning label should include "often dense, particularly when it comes to expression through figurative speech."

Surfergrrl said...

I have one.

Is a republican.

Lisa H. said...

I so wish my ex had come with a warning label. God, he needed it. Something along the lines of "possessive, jealous, dependent, liar, crazy family, mama's boy." I could go on and on...

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

hoy- hahah I should clear that up, I personally hate giving them. LOL.

Surfergirrl- oh yeah, that warning label wouldnt fly with me.

Who? Me? said...

Seriously? Only one position? Rejected.

Jess said...

This reminds me of a suggestion I read somewhere of having dates come with references from their exes. The only flaw with that plan being that most exes aren't exactly objective.

Sparkling Red said...

Warning label for charming, handsome man, great cook, funny as hell:

Will not do housework. Worships his mother. All the space in your "shared" home belongs to him. Your "together" time is at his discretion to schedule. All friends must be approved by him. All TV must be approved by him. Addicted to video games. Unable to compromise. Wants a sidekick, not an equal partner. Wants to choose your clothes and your haircut for you. Is almost charming enough to make up for all of the above, so you'll stay with him for way too long.

ChasingParadise said...

GREAT POST, Chels!

A warning label I totally would have avoided:

Aloof, Thinks he's better than everyone, A total snob, tight with money to the point of greediness, only wants what he can't have, way too competitive, believes he's "God's Gift to Women", doesn't practice what he preaches, short but with an ego you wouldn't believe, doesn't defend those he loves, afraid of confrontation, a total abuser of people's feelings.

Yeah, that one would have saved me YEARS of heartache!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

chasing paradise- thank you for remindin g me "Doesn't defend those he loves and afraid of confrontation"
THIS is one that greatly irritates me.

Deutlich said...

uhm. yes. and the label would've been:
Has one child and another on the way. His baby's mother will fight you. A lot. He will lie about how involved the two were. Will constantly discuss the last guy you were involved, including his dick-size in comparison to his own. Will never shut up about it. Will take your car to Timbuktu without filling it with gas. Will all around suck the life out of you and make you feel like the idiot for it."

BLAH!

Single In The City said...

I need a warning Label all over me telling them all what would happen if they (men) decided that they wanted to misuse me! LOL I love this post. I may blog on warning labels soon, but I will link back to you!! Thanks for stopping by

Single In The City said...

btw, hope you don't mind, I linked you on my page, I plan on coming back a lot!

Shalom

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

single in the city- of course I don't mind!! Thank you my dear!! look forward to seeing you often ;)

Kelsophocles said...

My ex's warning label would read a little something like this:

Makes fun of your friends/family behind their back, is emotionally neglectful, wants sex only once every 3 weeks, refuses to introduce you to his family for 1.5 YEARS, blah blah blah

Man this feels good. Also, I totally agree with you - picking my nose is a fun pastime...

Hex said...

What kind of d-bag would end a drive like that with a punt?

At least go for the field goal!

Hillary said...

love it

I stole your idea for my blog

the warning label I wish I'd gotten is:

big fan of the mindfuck
manipulative bastard
selfish in bed
has inappropriate relationship with his mother but refuses to acknowledge how fucked up it is

ha - thinking about this has made me realize how glad I am I walked away (and also made me realize how lame I am for remembering all this ... 4 years later.)

Katelin said...

Haha, I love this. There are definitely some guys I wish had warning labels...like "I hold back important information, like my current relationship status." Oh boys.

Meesh-elle my Belle said...

you are just FANNNNNNfuckingtastic. Seriously. amazing post.

we should all come with warning labels. I'd still keep my boy around and I know he'd still keep me...but seriously. I'm sure we would have both loved some heads-ups.

And btw - hated - HATED war of the worlds.

Shelley said...

I'll have to post something similar to this soon. There are only a few guys that I would have liked a warning label for. I'm going to have fun coming up with my own.

This is the first time I've visited your blog... thanks for commenting on one of my posts the other day! I'll definitely add you to my reader.

Props for having "Bullet and a Target" playing. My music was off (for once) and I was confused why all of a sudden that song was playing. Love it.

Kate said...

Ooooh, freakin' fabulous! Now I'll be imagining warning labels for everyone I meet.

K.

ana said...

You've penned it down fabulously. While I don't think I need a warning label on the blanket saying warning : do not use the blanket to protect yourself from the hurricane,
I think I could definitely use a reminder label on myself that reads, life sucks, if not you're not doing it right.

each of the two said...

strange you and I would have the EXACT same label.

wanna travel somewhere? Im always looking for new travel buddies.

and yes thank you i WILL take that V8 and make sure there is vodka in mine.

Jennifer Ramos said...

Hey Chelsea,
I love this post, interesting read! Also i like the little warning image...yikes. BUT What does Punt mean?? KICK??
i think it would sound better if it said dump. : P

Hey lets link up....im loving your blog, let me know.

Jen Ramos
'100% Recycled DESIGNER Cards'
www.madebygirl.com

Arielle said...

I've been out of the loop kind of - what are you coming to NYC for and what are you interviewing for? I probably knew this and forget because I'm cool like that.

alexgirl said...

You rock.
I don't think I could even begin to think of something that would be worthy of this list!

Exposed said...

Totally love the idea, but only if we get FDA approved bursts like "Kick ass blogger" or "Amazing kisser" in place of "High in fiber". Even though we can all read warning labels, it's those ad lines that blind us into ignoring the real nutritional data.

Just Wandering... said...

who hates panda express? WTF! That's just a crime.

Seriously, someone needs to round up all the loser men and just keep them in the pound so we don't waste our time on them!

Nico said...

man i am late to the party. but i simply have to comment that this is a great idea (and possibly a photoshop idea coming up...).

though i think my label would be very simple: "warning: though loyal, only has potential to be your friend."

Julie Q said...

love it! especially the road rage and promptness factors..

OenoLogical said...

I suspect, just like warning labels on food, the ones on partners would be ignored completely. If it were pointed out that the label said "Danger: high in self-interest, low in commitment, causes heartburn and high blood pressure, use by 1996", the reaction would be, "yes, but X is exciting, tasty, and I just can't get enough".

I think I'm closer to salad - low cost, low in sweet-talk, bitterness, and additives, high in fibre, good for you (especially if taken five times a day), but a bit too safe and dull to be the first choice out of the fridge.

just me said...

I hate blowjobs and love babies too.

Are we psychically connected?


My warning label would begin with:

"Is totally self-sufficient in a relationship until 10:00 pm. Then reverts to infant status"

Damsel in DIgress said...

brilliant idea, chelsea. love the warning label concept - ours are so similar! although i'd probably have to add something about how i'm a different personality everyday and that i don't mind drinking or cursing and will demand sex basically everyday.

in other words, i am a psychologist-who-specializes-in-addicts' wet dream.

ha. and i was worried my label would be horrendously long.

So@24 said...

You had me at "bleeding asshole"

You lost me at "hates blow jobs"

Won me with "Babies and beer pong"

Lost me with "promptness"

I'm so torn.

...

Your ex didn't like Panda Express and only prefers one position? It was doomed from the start.

Marlee said...

How about CHEATING BASTARD?? That would've saved me quite a few years of my life...

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

so@24- you're right about doomed from the beginning. INDEED, especially considering how much I love chow mein. ;) oh and as far as blow jobs, I need to be intoxicated.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Alexis said...

Oy, I love you...this was so great.

And yeah, had I known:
Completely insecure, refuses to grow-up, critical and totally obsessed with status/popularity/appearances, selfish, no backbone, two-faced, and prone to being needy while managing to instill the belief that it is actually you that are too needy
...I probably would have avoided that.

Mine's probably too long and complicated for comment. ;)

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Alexis- no I would definitely say with that last line that you should add- manipulative :)

A Lil' Irish Lass said...

"Hates blow jobs" would totally be on my label too :)

Or should I say :x

A.P. said...

Some warning labels I would've left on the shelf:

thinks the world revolves around him, bipolar and refuses meds, alcoholic, sexaholic, has a copy of Dating for Dummies and thinks its the bible, small dick, wears the same cologne as my father, says i love you on the first date, gets too attached, wants to be with pretty/popular girl to make himself feel better

oh lordy, i could go on! but what a great post! I really wish people would come with warning labels.

Laura said...

hahaha, thanks for the appreciation!
I was pretty impressed with that site myself.
PS i'm super glad you left a comment because i had never seen your blog before & now i'm already in love with it!

Appletini said...

The warning label ROCKS!

Chele said...

This is a great post Chels, man my labels would come with
¨must be taken with precautions¨

as for the labels I actually knew but still overdosed and swallowed the whole bottle even tough I read the label:
-emotionally unavailable
-addicted to his approval
-will be mean and then sweet leaving you confused
-is a musician
-is a rocker
-makes you cry by the things hey do not do
-musician on tour
-says I´ll always be here for you but when you need him he is not there

MsPuddin said...

At my job, the shoe cleaner has a label on the side that says helps to prevent herpes and AIDS…hmmmm

eric said...

Damn 67 comments...

I guess I'm honored to have your 1 :)

sid said...

Hmmmm ... will date your best friend whilst telling you how absolutely perfect you are? will make up various excuses not to meet your friends. ah who am i kidding? i'da made the same fucking mistakes again.

hookerbaby said...

I just found your blog. I think I'll stay.

HollyG said...

love it!!! when I saw "70 comments" I did a double-take...and raven, don't feel bad, I too kind of dig them...
As for my own warning label, I've decided that if I were a church I'd be Our Lady of Perpetual Disaster.

HollyG said...

Warning labels from the past (not one guy):
vehemently afraid of body hair (as in can't eat peaches bc they're furry)
needs to grow up already
likes Celine Dion
hero-complex
emotionally unavailable
cheap-ass
selfish in bed
pothead
will fuck you up for years and make you think it's your fault
pasty legs
frat boy
doesn't like dessert
price-quotes his items of clothing
frequents chain restaurants
doesn't read
simply isn't deserving.

Ace said...

Good god girl you get a lot of comments! Anyhoo, a blogger happy hour would be amazing. I'm not in NYC yet, I will be around this time next year or sooner if I can manage it, but I was hoping to use this blog to create a sounding board/support system for the big move. There's a lot of ladies interning and working in these amazing jobs and broke though we may be we're pretty fabulous and should totally take over the city. I would love to work at a magazine, when I started out as an english major that's what I wanted to do, keep me posted and let me know how it goes.

Rebecca said...

My warning label: Lazy and ambitious, sad and happy, mad and compassionate, poor and rich. Have fun with that.

startsinmynose said...

ah. i have also been secretly stalking your blog-it is laugh out loud funny....i love it! and...i may have to steal your idea and make my own warning label. hm. about myself, my Sh*t of a terd baby daddy (that one will be GOOD).....and im sure i can think of a few other ones....

molly said...

i see the warning label on the guy im into (dropped out of school at 14, is 16 but has tried heroin, smokes pot over a dozen times a day) but i keep focussing on the good parts!

thats the problem really...because when you like someone at first you ignore all the bad things

eric said...

Now a relevant comment to the post.

Obviously boo to the hate blow jobs label but I wish more girls would be upfront about it.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when girls are pressured to do them, internally or externally. For me that's not really a turn on. Do it cause you want to, don't do it cause you don't want to. Simple. If they aren't into it it's hard for me to get into it.

I'm not sure I could write a label for me. I'm recently getting concerned on how much I seem to be changing as of late.

I suppose I could narrow it down to something like:

Warning. Not enjoying this person may cause this person to not enjoy you. Enjoying this person has an increased effect of them enjoying you. Please contact a doctor if enjoyment or lack of enjoyment exceeds 8 hours.

JanelleGrace said...

"will not let you touch her feet, instant road rage while bickering"

I decided not to add some of the other ones for fear of my sister- but ARE YOU HER?!

Heather said...

Great stuff!

Dolce said...

I think you're on to something new. A warning label would have saved me a lot of time.

hannah said...

magnificent! i love warning labels, some are hilarious. like for that 'restless leg syndrome' medication, it says "may make you fall asleep during normal activity such as driving".

but i totally wish everyone had a warning label.

peace

Camels & Chocolate said...

Hahahahaha, LOVE it.

And I knew we were kindred spirits! I hate blow jobs, too. People seem to think that's weird.

magdathunder said...

I laughed so hard I nearly cried reading this. Twice. My warning label would definitely include the no blow job bit, likely with a caveat that, in some instances, gagging may occur. How's that for a mood killer?

Loved the post. I totally support mandatory labeling. Ingenious.

xo

The Alleged Ringleader said...

WOW I just came across your blog today and this is glorious!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

magdathunder- Dude, I should have definitely put something about the gagging bit, thanks for reminding me ;)

 
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