No, not the water hole where ladies in peasant dresses schlep buckets through the prairie to bring clean water to their husbands who spent a day chopping lumber (this is my personal imagery that comes along with a well).
I filled MY WELL. The Well is that little inner place that runs a bit dry sometime after childhood; when you start carrying a planner and have "budgets", when you forget pleasure and lack "time" for leisure, when you allow pressure over ease, when you live in lack instead of indulgence.
The Well is doesn't have a watch, or a bottom, an end or a form. The Well picks up a paintbrush, takes time to read though books at a bookstore, and "do" rather than mulling over when to do. The Well has ideas. The Well is inspired. The Well notices peoples faces and is attune to conversation, it doesn't judge or disapprove, it doesn't worry or cling from fear of loss.
It is FULL, when you decide to fill it. Full of flavor, of words, of light, of richness and energy. And it has to be full in order to feel that you are fulfilled.
It was tempting to not stay in bed all day on my day off. I was lacking motivation to jump in the shower, or even brush my teeth. But instead, I picked out my favorite outfit- not because I thought anyone would see it and that is specifically why...I wanted to feel good for me. I wore my favorite underwear, and listened to music while I took the time to put eyeliner on...just because.
I was taking myself on a date, I was going to feed my date, my art, my passion and my soul as it had been starved to near death. Work, or internships, planning, or worrying, were not on my agenda at all....impressing my date was.
Instead of carrying my phone in my hand to check the time, or answer immediately- I decided I only answer to me today...to what pulls me, to my body when it says: GO, eat, skip, stay, keep going-whatever.
My body naturally wanted bruschetta and white wine, SO- I filled my well with bruschetta and wine. I filled my well with truffle oil egg toast, spicy pepper and asparagus. I filled the pages of my journal over cappucino. I filled my well with intrigue at Three Lives Bookstore as I eavesdropped on a young, wild haired, composer (Did I mention Amadeus is my favorite movie of all time?), which naturally- filled my well with a slight dash of lust. I filled my well with mozzarella and tiramisu, rich marscarpone, fresh basil and crusty bread. I filled it with ink and the sound of scribbling, with the sound of friends catching up, or after work dinner dates whispering lowly over tea lights.
I filled my well by slowing walking, observing instead of letting the rainy weather keep me inside. I filled my well by skipping through a park. Yes, I fucking skipped like something you see in a romantic comedy.
I thought about my grandparents, I thought of the "signs" that reminded me of them and I wondered if I slowed down more often if I'd notice that I wasn't as alone as I felt most of the time.
While I was throwing little gems of inspiration into my well from everything I saw, tasted and heard...I noticed a shift. A lightness even. Then it hit me, that I wasn't angry, I didn't notice how angry I was until I wasn't...I wasn't angry at "the ex" anymore, I even considered picking up a nice thank you note on thick stationary and writing words of gratitude for allowing me to have this day- a day I wouldn't have had, had I been sitting in his house eating frozen pizza and having subpar sex. I wasn't angry at "the universe" for its "plans" that surely didn't match up to the ones I had made. I wasn't angry at my bank account, at my uncertainty, at my thighs, or my loneliness.
I was full. And at this point, both physically and spiritually.
Time has a way of making you ignore you "Well", stress makes you ignore it, obligation, occupation and hustling all team up so you can ignore The Well.
It's hard to fill an inner part of your life, when you're so consumed filling the outer- an outer that much of the time, doesn't serve you, as much as it does everyone else.
So today, in all of my "indulgence", I relished in the things that make ME feel good. Its hard, but you have to remind yourself to not ignore the well and I'll surely strive for keeping it full each day, until it is Tuesday again...and I can wake up at noon....with nothing on my agenda other than taking my inner well on a lavish date.
What would you fill your well with??