Wednesday, February 6, 2008

The luckiest bitches in show biz....

....maybe they all share the same Guardian angels?? I'm not sure.

The fame that these people have aquired is TRULY. Magical. They must descend from voodoo practitioners, or have insanely stellar karmic pasts. They assisted in the underground railroad or saved children from Nazi's. Maybe they gave out full candy bars at Halloween?? Something.


Other than that. Or maybe a stash of four leaf clovers kissed by Irish saints, they have stumbled into unjustifiable....luck based, and entirely unnecessary, fame.


*Can we talk about Ashlee Simpson? I think we should.

She, is an identity stealer. Straight ninja. Someone should tell her to please...find yourself, go on a fucking retreat, instead of overthrowing Ashley Olsen's identity and then discarding it for that barely famous Fine Frenzy girl's image. I miss the squealing "LALA" Ashlee who shamelessly ate pancakes and looked scrubby on national television. Put the Stepford Wife back into the closet, we're here for you. And pick up a box of L'oreal hair dye at Rite Aid on the way.


You must be incredibly grateful, and you should lick your sister's platforms for treading out a path that you could drunkenly skip down with boys who like rhinestoned hoodies and eyeliner.


*Dear Heidi Montag,

I'm embarrassed for even knowing your full name, but not nearly as embarrassed as I am about the VIDEO you just made.

Just because you have money, and you know some men with one syllable names (J, Trey, C, D, followed by fizzle, izzle, and money.) who have expensive beat makers- that does NOT make you a singer. And fake boobs do NOT make you a pop star. Blonde, does not make you "hot" and beach frolicking- Britney did it better.

Sincerely,
Chelsea Talks Smack
P.S. I'd take up knitting, baking, Kegel exercizes and other housewife duties since, you know, you date a chauvenist.


Who makes these decisions? What executive is sitting behind his desk and starts letting his little head think for his big one when "butta face" Heidi walks in and asks for a record deal?


Who wrote a check for millions and passed it across his cherrywood table, in his office with a view, to fund the careers of the Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus?? And did he think of anything other than his forthcoming "black card" when he/she spoon fed all of America's youth, trash? Thus, sending them into a future of "sheep-ple" syndrome, a syndrome that will buy anything, will sticker their notebooks and paint their faces with the only options available and call it talent.



Who listened to a proposal, read a script, talked over "lunch", and conferenced via webcam, to fund movies like "Over Her Dead Body" and "Honey"; then instead of making the money useful they attempted to trick us with beautiful women to camouflage a shitty script. Wasting their money, their time, and insulting our intelligence thinking we'd "buy it."


Given the opportunity to sit behind "the desk", what lapses in judgment have been made, that YOU would have been able to foresee as failure????

You're aren't allowed to say the movie "Glitter".










































65 comments:

Jamie Lovely said...

How freaking awkward was Heidi in her music video? She tried to be all diva Mariah-ish about it with her hands but they look like trapped birds trying to get out.

As for Ashlee, her boyfriend is like 30 and in teen magazines. He wears eyeliner and awful clothes, plus his band BLOWS. I hate Pete Wentz more than life, plus he claims he's from Chicago. No dude, your from Winetka or some stupid suburb. Stop claiming my city!

Miley Cyrus' voice is so annoying. Plus, I think she is going to grow up to be kind of whorey. It's sad.

Sorry for writing the longest comment ever!

PrincessB said...

Oh...I am so glad you put that out there. What is with all these girls making videos? The madness must stop!

thegirlfromtheghetto said...

I want to know who the f___ ok'd the deal to make all those reality shows about Flava Flav, and eventually I LOVE NEW YORK? Now that is some crazy shit-izzle.

Jess said...

This is a great post. It's amazing how low we'll stoop to sell something. And how many people will buy it.

So@24 said...

I don't even know who that is.

But all the hens in the office have been clucking over this video for the past 3 days now.

Can it really be that bad?

Sizzle said...

for once i am so glad i am tragically unhip. who in the hell is heidi whatsherface? no. wait. i don't want to know.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

so@24- IT IS. THAT BAD. but you men, are so. simple. She has great tits.

Sizzle- Google her if you must, but all you need to know is, she was on The Hills. HOWEVER, I'm glad you DONT know who she is.

Katelin said...

Gah to Heidi, she drives me crazy. And Ashlee used to be sort of fun, now she really needs to get out of whatever phase she's going through and change, asap.

As for what I would have said no to. Paris Hilton. If not her, at least her song career. Oh man.

LADY said...

Brilliantly said.

So glad I found your blog too!

Meesh-elle my Belle said...

If I have to see Kim Kardashian on another talk show, I will officially jump off a bridge. And the David Letterman Paris Hilton interview is one of my faves of all time because he makes her look like the total ass that she is. I could go on for daaaaaaaaaaays.

But I actually just wrote an entire post that isn't directly about this but relates completely. At the end I started to touch on this exact subject but was so worked up about everything else I was discussing that I decided I needed to take it down and deal with this another day...Now I can just link to you!

Krissyface said...

Heidi Montag is satan with silicone boobs and a streamlined nose.

r.xo said...

It's a shame, isn't it, that talent is suddenly sold to the highest bidder in the contest for selling your soul?

Very astute, as always, CTS :)

Single In The City said...

I don't know who she is either, but I second that Flav and New York Shit! Put something else on, like ummm I dunno, but something other than that!

Traci Anne said...

Gigli. Everything else J.Lo has touched. Blonde Ambition. The Dukes of Hazzard prequel. Ummm... now I'm going to have to watch the Heidi video. Damn it, Chelsea!

Also? I, erm, am kind of in love with Pete Wentz. Well, before he got all bloaty (wtf, guy?). And Ashlee, for the love, go back to emo. Better yet, go back to the cute little blonde girl you were in our junior high yearbook! Oh yeah, that's right, the Simpsons are from my hometown. Bleargh.

Lacey Bean said...

Hahah you're too funny. buttaface!!! I havent seen the Heidi video yet, but I'm sure its horrendous. Cause she sucks at life.

Oh and they'll definitely be more blogger happy hours after you move to NYC! :)

Lisa H. said...

That Heidi Montag video is freaking HILARIOUS.

lspoon said...

Amen sister friend. If I could just have a sliver of the money people throw at these useless girls.

eric said...

I read through this but I'd prefer not knowing who they are if I don't already.

Britt said...

oh god. Heidi Montag. I don't even have words.

Erin said...

Having read lots of bad scripts I am amazed that crap like "Over Her Dead Body" gets made. It must have been written by Eva Longoria's sister or something. That's the only way stuff like that gets through.

I think. At least it'd be the only way to get by in my company. We had a TERRIBLE script by an actor's friend and when we recommended to pass on the project to our producers we were told to come up with "constructive criticism."

We said to stop writing. Okay, not really because it was going to the actor, but it was like pulling teeth to come up with constructive criticism.

Nepotism is alive and well in Hollywood.

bitterbabe said...

omg. how funny was this? this was so freaking funn!y you are hilarious!!

Kate said...

People like this makes me glad that I'm no longer a teenager-- nobody is busy trying to throw these blond girls at me anymore. Great post!

K.

poodlegoose said...

Hi, I just became your friend on 20sb, and I read through some of your older entries. You've gotta good style.

I really don't understand why "Hannah Montana" is so damn popular. And I'm extremely behind on the times, so I had to Google where Ashlee had gone and I think I've only heard mention of that Heidi chick. I'm looking forward to reading more from you.

poodlegoose.wordpress.com

christine said...

My anger for Heidi/Spencer is so numbing, I'm trying to pretend they don't exist (it's hard).

B2G said...

I actually have to say that Alison Sudol's (A Fine Frenzy) voice is amazing. If she wrote better songs she'd be majorly famous.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

b2g- Oh, I completely agree with you...I LIVED off of that Fine Frenzy album for a while when it came out. The entire thing is amazing, SHE deserves she to be famous, definitely and its a shame she isn't get the recognition she desernves...and Ashlee Simpson, is.

constant drama said...

Hey dont be hating on Heidi now. That bimbo's video made me laugh until my stomach hurts. Seriously. I have never laughed harder in my entire life.

And now whenever I'm sad I just go to youTube and watch her video with her retarted jazz hands and thank god that I'm not as stupid as she is. And laugh until I feel better with my life.

Thanks Heidi for the laugh.

Maxie said...

If I could have stopped one thing, it would be that show on MTV the ex-factor... or ex-effect? I'm not sure what's it's really called but it's HORRIBLE.

Ughhhh. It makes me wanna vomit just thinking about it.

The Dutchess of Kickball said...

Dammit, I was totally going to say Glitter too. How about anything that Paris Hilton touches, especially her album and associated music videos.

Summer said...

You are my hero for this. I HATE Heidi and I am also ashamed that I know who she is OR that I watched more than 10 seconds of her awful video (no worries, i only made it to 20). In the words of Office Space.... what's the deal with the No talent ass clowns?

Andrea said...

OMG SERIOUSLY! I love it!!!

Terra said...

So freakin' true! Love it and so glad you put that out there. I was thinking about this the other day, about how there are so many "famous" people that are "famous" for ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING. I don't get it. Stop the madness!

M said...

I haven't seen Heidi's video... I'm afraid to see it. She's gross.

And it makes me sad that I know who she is.

The nation has def hit a new low with the huge focus we've put on celebrities and esp their lives outside the spotlight.

DJSassafrass said...

Two words: Amen sister! Agreed on all counts.

Raven said...

"The Hottie and the Nottie"

and anything else Paris Hilton does.

GAH.

What was that other movie that Mariah was in, the one with the mobsters and Mira Sorvino? Soooo bad.

Kimberly said...

I miss grungy Ashlee with the big nose and black nail polish. Now, SHE was cool.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Paris Hilton, the ex factor, hottie and the nottie, dukes of hazzard, flava flav....agreed on ALL counts.

smb. said...

amen.

& i think i could talk all day long about disgusted i am with heidi. i mean...the girl is just sad. sad. sad. sad.

A Margarita said...

I have a confession - I actually enjoy watching Hannah Montana. I know, I know, I'm 25.

However, I agree with the Flava Flav and Heidi Montag. Also, Tila Tequila, American Idol . . .and every single reality show ever made.

La said...

Oh, the Heidi video! It makes me cringe just thinking about it, and how on earth is that woman even "famous"? YUCK.

Have a great weekend!

m said...

you know spencer "directed" that video? which just makes it even more sad and awkward and awful. i mean, if your boyfriend (fiancee?) can't make you look hot in a video, who can? and girl needs some HELP moving her arms and hands--they seem to fly out from her body totally independent of the rhythm and tempo of the music.

i often wonder why and how people get famous. but i think we all agree that it's more about looks and image than anything else. like, say, talent.

MsPuddin said...

Omigod! We re all going to die! * runs around frantically * haha I just wrote Heidi a letter myself, I hope she gets the memo and starts contributing to society. Yeah I miss LALA Ashley too…she’s making Jessica look bad, stop making your sister look bad! Hey at least she finally got out of one shadow…

MsP

Jules said...

I must admit that I have no idea who she is but let's just say that I was severely disappointed to see Seal singing at the Victoria Secret's runway show. And the fucken Spice Girls. Talk about has beens. I mean, they had JT last year and this year they have freaking has beens. Just cos you married Heidi Klum doesn't make you cool again, and please don't do duets with your bloody wife, just cos you're a model doesn't mean you can sing.

L Sass said...

Heidi Montag?!? Where did she even come from?!?! That video almost seemed to be a spoof or a satire, didn't it? I think you're right on about most of these, but Heidi is clearly the worst offender!

each of the two said...

yeah, that was me.

sorry, my bad.

Michelle & the City said...

"butta face"

hahahahahahaha
i love it

Hex said...

With the propensity of T&A available on the web for dudes to ogle, I'm utterly convinced that Heidi Montag's 15 minutes of fame was initiated simply to piss women off.

And boy, is it working.

Seriously, the only reason I have any idea who that bimbo is has come from all the blogger-babes out there complaining about her.

Not that her nails on the chalkboard voice or pasty skin doesn't deserve it -- but hasn't the Britney-verse taught us that if you want something to go away, the worst possible thing to do is pay attention to it?

emmaenlighted said...

Am I allowed to say Gigli? :)

1218Blog said...

I haven't seen Heidi's video yet but I'm SURE I'm not missing any greatness there! This is an oldie but goodie. I am just going to add Vanilla Ice in the mix. Who thought that was a good idea. Damn it! Now I have that song in my head.

Lady Luck said...

Okay- that was HIGH-LARIOUS. You know we were all thinking it. Way to talk some smack and put it out there!

Nilsa S. said...

While I agree with a lot of what you've said, I'm also pretty sure that if any of us were sitting behind that desk making the decisions, we'd make plenty of mistakes along the way, too.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Jules- I tlak about that in one of my previous blogs!!

Hex- I'm sorry but this was too good to ignore. Truly, whether bitching about it or for comic relief, I couldn't help myself.

Nilsa- I'm sure you're right, but the problem is the people theyre CHOOSING to put behind the desks. .....they're not necessarily artists...

Exposed said...

Hex, I gotta agree. The more we focus on bashing everything wrong with society (no offense intended, CTS, because you do do it brilliantly!) the more attention it gets. In the internet age, no publicity is bad publicity is truly a mantra to live by

Can I ask for a post on people we HAVEN'T heard of and should be listening to? Because, if you know any five year old, the best way to take your mind off of something upsetting is good old fashioned distraction with something better!

Anonymous said...

Lapses in judgement? How about the upcoming movie, that couldn't even get a fucking grammatically correct title: "How She Move."
This movie has been made about a hundred times, in the form of (mentioned in this blog) "Honey" and that stupid movie with omarion about street dancing groups or whatever. Some title about getting served??? You got served?

Romany said...

Well said.
I sure hope record executives read your blog, then at least they have the knowledge (instead of just the power) to make a difference.

In response to the comment on my blog: I also really like Sienna Miller - she's got a refreshing take on fame etc. She's very real - even if she is super skinny, lol. I sure hope she wasn't hinting at what I thought she was, either. Lol.
Love your blog, btw. It's so nice to see passion in blog form, it's been so long since people got angry about things, it's almost foreign, lol.
Romany
xx

Ashley said...

WOW! I just googled Heidi's video! I can't believe it! Well, I can, and you know her little asshole of an ex-fiance fake engagement Spencer is her "manager."

HAHAHA....Good Luck Heidi!

Isa said...

so true.

there are all those bubble heads out ther with no talent but tons of money and contacts and steal away the places in the business from people who would deserve to be in there.

I know so many telented people who even studies aczing/singing but those will probably never get a achance to spread some art into the world.

no wonder there´s barely any real music to be hear if you dom´t really search for it.

stephanie said...

I don't like Ashlee Simpson no matter what she looks like, but I liked her more when she was herself.

We just had the Superbowl in Phoenix and one of the girls I work with (who has a rich boyfriend and lets us all know about it) brought in pictures of herself and Heidi What'sherfuck at some high end party she was at and was all proud of them. I'm like, in the grand scheme of life, Heidi doesn't matter and she's really not even all that hot.

Sarah O. said...

Seriously, how did these sorry women become stars? Oh, how I wish they'd get pregnant so we could snark them in Mamarazzi!

Thanks for visiting my blog! I've bookmarked yours.

Oh, I really like your music!

bitterbabe said...

Seriously... I meant it when I said that is funniest comment I have read about Heidi - I forwarded it to all my co workers! by the way, I posted a link to watch Lipstick Jungle if you are interested!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Bitterbabe!! Thank you, youre awesome!!! xo.

kristabella said...

Dude, that Heidi video is horrible. How much can one talentless skank touch her own fake boobs? We get it. You had a boob job.

And you can't sing. AT. ALL.

PrincessPolly said...

Oh my god, I hate these people who become famous just because of who their families are or because of happening to hook up with the right friend (then ditching them!). I always wonder, how is anyone else supposed to become a singer/actress/writer/designer/etc if you have these people who permanently ride on the coattails of others to steal the glory. Cunts.

Ace said...

These examples my dear are the very reason I am going into the music industry. To rid the world of miley syrus's and jonas brothers, tweens and your disposable income be damned. I'm going to put some real music back out there.

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