Friday, February 1, 2008

My equations=politically incorrect

I 've never been good at math, but hell, let's give it a shot.

Maybe= Probably not.

Fine= fucking terrible. Fine is a pussy choice of wording for those who refuse to say- bad.

Caffeine= shaky pinky fingers

Melted cheese= pure joy

Superbowl= melted cheese and a hang over

Hangovers= an intense desire for greasy IHOP



Debates= I still can't make up my damn mind.

Hilary wearing blue stone earrings= Did she have girl talk about her jewels with a friend, or did she hire a stylist?

*These thoughts= So, Hillary is a chick,meaning she has to enjoy shoes and "CHICK-Y things" somewhere in her politically robotic mind and a dude.
My question is, between his stance on healthcare and his strategy on exiting Iraq, during his pauses and frequent "uh's" is he thinking about sex every 7-10 seconds like the rest of the male population?? Or is he too much of a robotic polical genius? "Roboma"....Poses the question, does the "sex mind" of a man have an on/off switch during important events like debates and law making??? Please, talk amongst yourselves.

Ryan Gosling= serious physical arousal.

Sex=yes, please. My man brain is on high today. Full power. Full out, high speed. David Beckham sex power.

Valentines Day= what day?? Denial is key. Though, I freely accept a nice Whitmans Sampler.

Drinking alone= a multitude of bad decision making. Doing squats in heels while listening to "Body Languge" with a cell phone in one hand and a bottle of wine in another, is a bad. idea.

Butter= no flavor. I literally, cannot taste butter.

Business cards= networking powerhouse. Indeed I will be getting some made this week- Chelsea Talks Smack *writer*singer*eternal bad ass mo' fo'* followed by my contact info and fax #. Fax me on bad ass lesson "how to's".

Jumping jacks= sore tits. sore tits of all sizes. Jumping jacks are tit torture.

Torture= "Move your body like a cyclone"....ENOUGH. Strippers all over the world have done enough damage "tornado-ing" about the stage. enough.

"And frankly..."= saying something I probably shouldn't.

Practicing gang signs when songs come on that say, "Throw your DUBS in the air" = Finger gymnastics. Gangsters need seriously limber phalanges to throw down.

My sister saying, "I have three crushes....wait, NO, Two." Me: "What happened to the third guy?" HER: "Oh, he got a haircut." = Longing for when "love" was as simple as a haircut. If I could choose love or lust based on; shaggy, buzz or 'fro, dating would be cake.

"Can't have your cake and eat it too"= what's the point of a mother fucking cake if you can't eat it?

What are your equations my lovely bloggy friends???


Sizzle said...

these are awesome!

i so agree with you about "fine" - i had a friend who used to say that when she said she was fine she really meant "fucked up, insecure, neurotic, emotional."

i think i fell for the fella a little bit more after he shaved his head. so maybe it's still that simple for me? heh.

Hillary said...

Friday afternoon at work = reading blogs instead of actually, you know, working

Katelin said...

Haha these are great, I love your drinking alone equation, that's hilarious.

Maxie said...

haha- these were exactly what I needed tonight. hilarious.

Drinking alone= a multitude of bad decision making. Doing squats in heels while listening to "Body Languge" with a cell phone in one hand and a bottle of wine in another, is a bad. idea...

and that. up there. I have TOTALLY DONE THAT.

B2G said...

No equations, but your business card idea reminds me of Mean Girls. "Kevin Gnapoor. Mathlete and badass M.C."

Anonymous said...

doing squats in heels? sounds like something i would do when left home alone with wine.

hangover = eating crap all day

B said...

that bit about phalanges had me DYING.

Stephanie said...

Your blog = amazing, can't believe I actually haven't found it before!

brandy said...

"And frankly..."= saying something I probably shouldn't.

Amen to that.

As for me...

Obama= change
Hillary= change
Mitt Romney= I jump out a window and pray for death to take me quickly.

A Lil' Irish Lass said...

I can't wait to meet you when you come to NYC. Email me over at and we'll set something up :)

christine said...

friday night = alone, binging on oreo's, watching "a lot like love" for the 30th time even though I don't even know why I like it.

election 2008 = extreme terror at the thought of mccain winning it all

target not stocking the new issue of nylon = whoops, there goes my plan for saturday night too!

Jamie Lovely said...

Me = exhausted
Ryan Gosling = babe
phalanges = Pheobe from Friends

j said...

i facking luff thees, chelsea. i'm going to do this tomorrow. how's new york going? has the internship started?

Banana said...

forgetting to wash my face = stupid chin zit that won't go away.

Anonymous said...

made me snigger.

I Do= I accept apathy

Vanessa said...

FINE=Frustrated Insecure Neurotic Emotional

ExposedNYC said...

Insomnia= an excuse to catch up on my favorite blogs... or reading blogs= the reason for my insomnia... I can't decide!

constant drama said...

Caffeine= shaky pinky finger?

Preaching to the choir here girfriend!

You know you're funny, I should come here more often.

PrincessPolly said...

"no offence but . . ." = I'm about to say something offensive (which I suppose is just a spin on the "And frankly" equation)

quoting the Borat film in work = everyone in the office thinking you're a racist.

dieting =intense unhappiness

think that's about it. yours are better.

BG said...

"Torture= "Move your body like a cyclone"....ENOUGH."
Thank you. WTF does that mean anyway? Would *you* want to have sex with a cyclone? No, it would be painful.

hill worker = pleated khakis and no personality.

hillary in bright red suit at SOTU = awesome.

Anonymous said...

This was such a fun post!!

tomatoe and gouda cheese sandwich (because I'm eating one as I type) = mmmmmmm with a smile :)

JUST ME said...

I'd let someone cut off my right pinky finger for one night with Ryan Gosling. I'm not even joking.

WE SHOULD GO OUT VALENTINE'S DAY. And find ourselves some sad, lonely men who will buy us drinks all. night. long.

Julie Q said...

ryan gossling= totally agreeable with you

molly said...

im pretty sure you should be publishing your own dictionary
fuck websters, i'd love a chelsea dictionary!

Airam said...

not working out = waking up with muscles feeling achy and sore.

Go figure.

m said...

once, when drunk and talking to a recent ex, i said this:

"you know what maybe means? it means fuck you. so you know what ----, MAYBE." my friends still laugh about it.

and saturday=bagels and coffee in bed.

Anonymous said...

My god, I really like what Hillary stands for. I don’t care who she was married to, how annoying her voice may be, or that she’s a little rough around the edges. She is for helping stop the epidemic of Autism, which my stepson has; she will be able to help represent women more fairly in our world; she wants to help support veterans; support the middle class, and reform immigration. I’m so with her this year.

check out:

Unknown said...

Great post!

not drinking=waking up with pants
drinking=fucking classy
bliss=happy nappy time
homegirl=tinkerbell the wondercat

Ashley said...

I love these!

I agree with the butter one, I HATE butter!

I falling for a guy because I LOVE his hair. Weird, I know.

Traci Anne said...

I'm too entranced by the smell of baking cookies to think, but all I can say is that you just made me choke on my spit. YOU MADE ME CHOKE ON MY SPIT FROM LAUGHING TOO HARD, CHELSEA. I HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY. I'M FINE, THANKS, NO REALLY.


kokostiletto said...

omg HAHAHAHAHAHA i love the one about BUTTER and FINE!

Anonymous said...

Fine - A very VERY dangerous word. Just ask my other half. He will tell you this. ;)

I want melted cheese. NOW.

Nilsa S. said... = less confusion

Jess said...

You can't taste butter? Seriously? That is SO WEIRD.

Super Bowl on a Sunday when you have to work the next day=BAD PLANNING

Ashley said...

I keep visiting your blog to hear, Third Eye Blind...perhaps I should download the song. Haha...I LOVE IT!

Princess Pointful said...

You are my favourite.
Sunday mornings = waking up and feeling refreshed for the first two seconds. Then recalling spinnies before going to bed. Then wanting a magic flying waterglass so I don't need to move.

nicole antoinette said...

What do you mean you can't taste butter? Butter is amazing. Butter!

Oh, and amen to drinking wine alone, straight from the bottom. I mean...

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

I know guys, the butter thing is strange....but It doesnt have a flavor to, if I put it on bread, I cannot taste it.

Dysfunctional tastebuds perhaps???

A Margarita said...

Lol! Funny stuff.

I wonder if Obama and Hilary have sex dreams about each other. I am sure they do.

Alcohol = increased thigh size.

Advancing age = increased thigh size and wrinkles. Oh, and Project Find Boy commences now.

Carbs = don't eat.

DJSassafrass said...

Ryan Gosling=yum
I don't know how I feel about that=I know exactly how I feel about that but you won't like my answer.
Uh...okay (at work)= You are an f'ing idiot.
Uh...okay (at home)=I really don't care since I am not at work.

DJSassafrass said...

Ryan Gosling=yum
I don't know how I feel about that=I know exactly how I feel about that but you won't like my answer.
Uh...okay (at work)= You are an f'ing idiot.
Uh...okay (at home)=I really don't care since I am not at work.

Jewelybelle said...

working on papers = checking blogs, writing blogs, checking facebook, chatting on AIM

TKTC said...

I was reading this post when The Streets came on and I had to immediately join a voice in praise. That and I am that girl who has watched the "alternate" version of the sex scenes in The Notebook so many time that it is the extra features portion that is scratched rather than the part with the real movie on it.

Point- Yeah, Ryan Gosling = A spare moment to myself with a stupid grin on.

alyson. said...

oh my goodness, your blog is like the jackpot for information and wit. I'm loving it!!!

thanks so much for stopping by and commenting, I'll be sure to catch up on your blog more often. :)

Snookums said...

How's this for some A.D.D. ramblings?

"Ah, you're not as bad at math as you thought."

"I think Hil's thinking more about the sex. Obama is a total "Robama", like you said. I like Obama, though; I want him to win."

"I can taste butter. And I strongly detest it."

"Jumping jacks were clearly created by a man. A man probably named Jack."

"And frankly, I think Rachel McAdams dumped Ryan Gosling."

"I'd eat my cake. Screw the rules. Morals are highly subjective and totally overrated."

Anyway, love your blog.
And thanks for the comment on mine. I've heard of Ingrid Michaelson because of Grey's Anatomy and Kate Nash ... I like the "Pumpkin Soup" song.

Anyway, mind if I link you on my blog?

Great entry.
Keep at it! =)

Hunters Glory said...

To do is to be + To be is to do = Do be do be do!

equation blog = legs, many many legs!

5 Star = thought provoking equations.

This read = had my full attention along with a standing ovation!

Very well done!