Monday, February 11, 2008

Stripping: The way to a mans soul.

Our mothers lied to us. Oh, dear deception!

Ha! Food! The way to a mans heart is through his stomach? Um, I'm sorry, the way to a man's heart is through his groin.
Through his crotch. Through the pants snake. And of course our mothers said it was because of her casserole, cause SHIT- she didn't want to say, "Well, I really got him when I did a full routine to 'Hot For Teacher' followed by a remix of Welcome to the Jungle Oo! You should've seen his face!"

Yeah. So casserole and lasagna was the way to go.
Now, I say stripping because....the music says so. And I always follow the music.

Many hours have been spent in the recording studios specifically to create the: Ode to the Stripper.
Bills have been folded, and tapped on the ends of stages, college funds have been dipped into and elaborate "poker night" lies have been devised. All, for, the stripper.
Not for the baby mama, not for the dance recital, not for the softball game or the family reunion. THE STRIPPER.
Which hey, ladies go on and do your thing...if I had nicer boobs- meaning BIGGER, since they're nice and small, (often non-exsistant depending on how much bread I eat)I'd strip. Amatuer night here I coooomme!!! Neon lycra thongs? Oh, I would buy them in a rainbow of colors and get my initials tattooed on my ass. In Old English writing.

I'm about to board a plane to NYC...My move is now offical. My angels were working tricks like gangbusters up there and the apartment panned out. At least for awhile, I'll be staying in a friend's loft in Chelsea. Chelsea in Chelsea. Holla.

So I leave you with this- some strip songs.
Since, ya know, it's almost Valentines Day...and we've all wanted to buy a pink feather boa robe to seductively shimmy off, and whip at our man in FULL STRIPPER SEDUCTION. Don't deny it. With matching heels even, you know the kind.
So ladies, go work on your routine. Fuck chocolates and a nice dinner....that was all a sham. He wants you to get naked. slowly.

For your disrobing convenience, I have provided you with a soundtrack. Godspeed.

Paula Cole (block out the hairy armpits if you will)-"Feelin' Love"

Justin Timberlake & 50Cent-"Ayo Technology"

Snoop Dogg- "Sensual Seduction" I had to do the obvious.

Sweet Chaarity- "Big Spender"

T-Pain-"I'm in luv with a stripper"- not LOVE, but luv.

ZZ Top- "Leggs"

Usher- "That's what it's made for"

So, I may not be on for a couple days while I get settled in the city (hit me up if you're in NYC!) so...I expect full reports on your stripper success. I promise, it'll be a SUPERB V-day.
What are YOUR stripper tunes????

66 comments:

Sizzle said...

i was JUST thinking about stripping (don't ask). thanks for the song tips. the other day i was doing a rendition of big spender and someone asked me if i ever did burlesque...hmmm, maybe i should!? all signs point to YES.

safe travels to NYC!

thestoryofagirl said...

Yeeah. You are so right. I never thought of it that way, but if you want to keep a guy happy forever? Know how to turn him on, and keep it different and exciting.

I'm sure our mothers couldn't quite say, "Touch his penis. Boys like that." But you know...they were totally thinking it.

Clueless Cat said...

Congrats! I'm so jealous of your job and your move! Am a writer myself and am planning on moving to NY this September (gotta save up some $$ and also wait for the lil sis to graduate so we can move in together :)) Best of luck with everything!!

Ashley said...

Good luck in NYC...I am jealous!

Renee said...

Am I the only one who thinks of JT's days with *NSYNC when she hears "Ayo Technology"? I mean, HELLLLOOOOO, Digital Getdown! (I swear to God, this has been stuck in my head for WEEKS for some reason.)

Surfergrrl said...

I took a pole dancing class and we got to bring our own music in. I thought Crimson and Clover was super sexy. Sing it, Joan!

Britt said...

Good luck with the move!! Remember, the boxes will end at some point and you'll have nice clean floor once again.

P.s. Thanks for the stripper songs. Now practicing my moves :)

MsPuddin said...

Oooo work it girl in that neon lycra thong! I’m down with a little sexual seduction, you gotta add some Rick James to that list…

Exposed said...

As a certified strip instructor (yes, I actually was hired and went through training to teach at bachelorette parties, then chickened out before I ever did one), I have quite a few faves, but my all-time classic is "Sweet Dreams". My best friend actully has a video tape of me dancing to it on a dare at a ladies night!

Dolce said...

Stripping. That's one thing I didn't think of this year.

Note to self: Must make trip to VS

My favorite stipper song: Pour Some Sugar on Me my Def Leppard; second favorite: Don't Cha

A.P. said...

lol I totally heart you. Your blogs are amazing. I'm pretty sure we'd be BFF's outside blogworld. You remind me alot of my random self. :)

I have a whole slew of stripper songs, but now I can't think of one! ugh.

Vanessa said...

No stripper tunes but I can't wait to hear more about the move and the magazine. I was beginning to think it fell through. SO glad it didn't. I'm headed back to the city sometime in late March, maybe we can hook up? I'll be there about a week this next time. Good luck with the move!

nicoleantoinette said...

Ah I used to take Cardio Striptease at Crunch fitness in NYC and it was pretty much the best thing ever.

I can't believe we're missing each other in NYC by like a month! When I'm there I work at the Williams Sonoma in Chelsea! Gah. Have so much fun girl!!

nicoleantoinette said...

ps- since you'll be in Chelsea, go get the macaroni and cheese at Cafeteria on 7th ave and 17th street. Then thank me endlessly.

the boy who likes to... said...

Good luck in NYC.

Also other stripping music you should consider for next time,
Benny Hill - TV Theme Music
www.youtube.com/watch?v=xjmVVkjSRuI

I think it adds spice to any routine.

lspoon said...

I love that Big Spender is on that list. I think it's the theme song for amateur strippers everywhere :) Have a safe trip!

sequined said...

I'm so excited to strip around my apartment after the jog I'm about to take. What an awesome way to stretch out after! And, I'm kind of an expert because I've done some Carmen Electra Strip Your Way to Fitness. So... yeah, you could say I'm pretty good.

Nilsa S. said...

Good luck with your move to NYC. And I can't wait to hear about your new set of adventures!

JulyBug said...

Hot For Teacher, hahaha. I think that song was strictly written for stripping.

Yay! New York! Welcome! Warning, it's freaking cold now.

Chele said...

Oh I have thought about this, weirdly enough I answered this question earlier today as well.

It is between gimme all your loving- zz top or tainted love-marilyn manson.
I cant choose

Good luck with the move

JanelleGrace said...

Welcome to New York! (I'm in Greenpoint.) Bring a scarf!

(And sadly, my stripping attempts end up with my boyfriend laughing.)

pbandrazz said...

i think i need to try one of those workouts because i think i'd be totally awkward trying to strip.

Jess said...

Good luck with the moving! And thanks for the entertainment for us to enjoy in your absence.

A Lil' Irish Lass said...

I love love love that Paula Cole song. It's what I've always used to set the mood :)

Can't wait to see you in NYC. Email me and we will set something up!

Raven said...

White Stripes-Ball and Biscuit

I find that blues riffs are awesome for stripping.

DJSassafrass said...

Chelsea in Chelsea--I love it!

pessimisticredhead said...

I've always said that if I were a stripper, my signature song would be "I Love Rock 'n Roll" by Joan Jett and my name would be Axl Fire.

survivingmyself said...

welcome to NY, like julybug said, it is fucking freezing here right now.

La said...

Congrats! And have a super safe trip! Also, you totally nailed it with that Paula Cole song. Totally.

1218Blog said...

Good luck with your move and stuff! I would say the ultimate stripper song is, "Pour Some Sugar on Me" by Def Leppard. Hey what can I say, I grew up in Jersey. Land of the big hair and Trans Ams!

Angela said...

Good luck with the move!!! I was so hoping to be in NYC this weekend, but alas, it is not to be. Please eat a Sugar Sweet Sunshine cupcake for me!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Dolce- Have you hear the "pur some sugar on me" remake by Emm Gryner???? Its beautiful.

and everyone THANK YOU!!! I landed safely, and look completely haggared caus eof the time change. I'm off hit the town ;)
Love you all!

Deutlich said...

ha! that usher song is the shit.

Sincerely, Queen Bitch said...

You're moving to NYC; that's so exciting! My ideal strip song would have to be raunchy, dirty, in-your-face, and gay. Maybe Cazwell's All Over Your Face will do.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=BbtGKWzVpCw

Sincerely,
Queen Bitch

Sincerely, Queen Bitch said...

Oh, and you're right. To conquer a man, you have to play with his crotch, not his stomach.

Karmen said...

i am really fond of the idea of angels turning tricks in order to secure your apartment.

i like to think that little angels everywhere are turning tricks in dark alleys to make our lives just a little bit better.

im your newest fan and you're my newest addition.

Lisa H. said...

I have to go with Pour Some Sugar on Me and Tainted Love (Marilyn Manson version). Hell, I'll throw in Future Sex/Love Sound for good measure.

Glad to see you made it ok!

So@24 said...

Your list is alright. Try these on:

Bloodhound Gang "Lapdance Is Always Better When The Stripper Is Cryin"

Celene Dion "My Heart Will Go On"

John Williams "Back to the Future Theme"

and my personal favorite:

Eric Clapton "Tears in Heaven"

emmaenlighted said...

Woo NY! Watch out! Here's comes Chelsea!!

Thanks for the tips. Damn, I wish I had brought all my sexy lingerie over here from home.

Laura said...

Paula Cole (block out the hairy armpits if you will)-"Feelin' Love"

...I'm so glad you topped your list with this one. I've always felt like this is the sexiest song I've ever heard.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

so@24- omg, how I love you for your list.

Single In The City said...

Good Luck in NYC!!!! And also, NO stripping for me, even tho it sounds so fun, I have to have a boo First! LOL!!! Valentines will be spent with more singles!!!!

Toodles
Single

Princess Pointful said...

Sorry I've been bloggie MIA lately!
Excellent song choices. I can only think of "I'm Too Sexy", which seems far too goofy and cliche.

Katelin said...

When I was reading this all I could imagine was Jamie Lee Curtis's stripping routine in "True Lies" and how that would so be me, haha. I am so not meant for stripping, despite the rather large boob size.

And good luck with the move!

The Alleged Ringleader said...

I think you MUST be right because I can cook and while it might make a boy happy, I am currently SANS boyfriend!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

nicoleantoinette- I'm beyond sad you arent here :( BOO. And my mom and I have decided to go to cafeteria tomorrow, because you said so ;)

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

nicoleantoinette- I'm beyond sad you arent here :( BOO. And my mom and I have decided to go to cafeteria tomorrow, because you said so ;)

Meesh-elle my Belle said...

yaaaaay! have the best time ever in my favorite city in the world. it's one big adventure waiting to happen...

just me said...

Can't wait to see you sooon, lady!

PS: I'd strip too. If I was more coordinated.

Camels & Chocolate said...

Welcome to NYC! I sent a blizzard there to greet you!

eleanorstrousers said...

Good luck in the big city! How exciting! Can't wait to hear all your adventures.

As for stripper tunes, you can;t go wrong with anything by Enigma.

Maxie said...

Why has everyone been asking this question lately? LOL Everyone loves strippers!

my songs?

Akon- I Wanna Love You

USDA- Throw This Money

Akinyele- Put It In My Mouth

Bubba Sparxx- Miss New Booty

Mary J- I'm Going Down

LL Cool J- Doin It

bitterbabe said...

you are so funny C! I would really really like to strip to something by Jimi Hendrix - that would be sexy - no?

Ecky said...

Good tip ;)

Should practice it soon & good luck in NYC

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Bitterbabe- oh? NOTHING is as sexy as RED HOUSE!

bunny said...

I noticed you friended me awhile on 20somethingbloggers but hey, I've been busy, and just got around to your blog now. After reading this post... Yay! I live in NYC! You're going to have so much fun! Why are you coming here? I want details as I am nosy. KThanksBye.

Laura said...

I just got those Carmen Electra DVDs. I'm sure it will be hilarious, but I hear they are a great workout.

Oh, and if I do ever master my routine: Hit Me With Your Best Shot by Pat Benatar.

Le Petit Chic said...

Oh my god, you crack me up! Tatoo your initials on your ass? That had me laughing so hard! My former roommate bought a portable stripper pole. We kept it up in our dining room year round and travelled with it. It's great to pre-party with :)

Joanna Goddard said...

congrats! good luck w/the move xo

Marjie said...

hah....great post.

Although, I'd always go with Pussycat Doll's "Buttons"

It's obvious, those girls strip for a living before heading the spotlight.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Laura- I've done those tapes too...oh loorrrrddddd

Chelsea Talks Smack said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Krissyface said...

Strippers are mystical creatures and will always be...they are like unicorns. But what do women have if guys have strippers? We don't have male strippers. Definitely no.

Welcome to NY, Chelsea! It's a wonderful city!!!

Ashlie said...

I have no stripper tunes. But I do have my pole dancing class tomorrow.... woo-hoo!

Mike said...

The last people I want to employ are "yes" people.

You are not a yes person.

We have a low paying student position coming up. You have the job if you want to move to Canada for 9 bucks an hour ;)

Anonymous said...

Hi !.
You re, I guess , perhaps curious to know how one can make real money .
There is no initial capital needed You may start to receive yields with as small sum of money as 20-100 dollars.

AimTrust is what you haven`t ever dreamt of such a chance to become rich
The firm incorporates an offshore structure with advanced asset management technologies in production and delivery of pipes for oil and gas.

It is based in Panama with structures around the world.
Do you want to become a happy investor?
That`s your choice That`s what you desire!

I`m happy and lucky, I began to take up income with the help of this company,
and I invite you to do the same. It`s all about how to choose a correct companion who uses your money in a right way - that`s it!.
I make 2G daily, and my first deposit was 1 grand only!
It`s easy to start , just click this link http://edefiwyk.fcpages.com/ohuxih.html
and lucky you`re! Let`s take this option together to feel the smell of real money

 
ss_blog_claim=1c43e45eb4927c96edea5f154138fe95