Sunday, February 3, 2008

Super Bowl days make me listen to rap music and act as spokeswoman for Doritos.

Though I have evolved musically in th past 10 years, there are still times when I catch myself brazenly acknowledging the fact that, I indeed- know the lyrics to most rap songs.
My day to day listening is more indie oriented,I connect more with it, obviously since I'm dramatic and from the 'burbs, but sometimes, I simply feel like bouncing to mindless sugary beats rather than crawling inside my introspective cave that has a special cozy corner in my brain.
So I feel, as a closet listener, or often (in an altered state of mind) not such a closet listener (HELLO DRUNK KARAOKE. CLASSY.), that I'll give back to rap community with translations for the rest of you indie folk. And beyond. Rap community, here is my version of a bake sale, I would like to offer my time as translator;

From the brain of Flo Rida, "Make it rain, I'm makin it snow
Work the pole, I got the bank roll" Translation: The more naked you get, the more dollars you get. He's letting you know, he's got the cash to stick in your crack. After you hit the 'flo (FLOOR.)

From the genius of Lupe Fiasco, "Kick push, kick push, coast." Translation: White boys with dirty skater shoes, this is for you. Pull out your vans and your best Tony Hawk impressions and become one with your connection to LUPE.

Two brains are better than one with Bow Wow and Omarion, "Her jeans be riding low
Homies breakin they neck,Just to see how far they go down down" Translation: Ladies, these are both ASS MEN. Thats all you need to know, and don't worry their necks are fine.

Oh Fiddy, you're more like a dolla' holla',In 21 Qestions, 50 is feeling a bit insecure; " If I didn't smell so good would you still hug me? If I got locked up and sentenced to a quarter century,
Could I count on you to be there to support me mentally?" Translation:
The answers to these questions should be NO AND NO. I don't like smelly ballsacs or convicts. He's got more where that came from, hello...."magic stick" anyone?

Chris Brown needs to ENUNCIATE- "She want that lovey dovey (lovey dovey)
that kiss kiss (kiss kiss)" Translation: Who else was convinced he was saying Laffy Taffy?? I was going to attempt translating that but it made no fucking sense.

Cassidy f Swizz Beats are drinkin' and two steppin , "The whip sittin on two-sixes, the lip's chromed. My money used to be immature now my shit grown" Translastion: Cassidy has a nice ride. Ride= car. Apparently he used to spend his money on bubblegum and action figures, now he's GROWN, so the dollars are reserved for shiny things and bitches.

Busta Rhymes would like some applause, "Make it clap" Translation: Put your hands down. Get off the stairstepper. Grab a piece of fried chicken. This is no peanut gallery and no need to say Bravo, let those cheeks flap away, and if you have a moment I would consider referencing this entire song for true lyric genius.


At the Holidae Inn (this must be a different chain than the usual HOLIDAY) with Chingy he'll tell you, "Ya that's me, Ching-a-ling equipped wit much ding-a-ling" Translation: His mother forgot to tell him the "big boy" word for penis.
If you ever find yourself at this Holidae Inn, the beer is in the bathtub and the Hennessy is down someone's pants. Weed is welcome if you bring shawties= chicks.


And to the late Biggie Smalls,"Pull the truck up, front, and roll up the next blunt, So we can steam on the way to the telly, go fill my belly A t-bone steak, cheese eggs and Welch's grape" Translastion: Only TRUE legends can reference Welch's and remain "Big Poppa". Ladies Biggie liked ass, but he really just wanted a nice piece of meat. Literally.


Feel free to contribute to my rap community service with your translations......

::updates on my move to NYC to come::

41 comments:

Princess Pointful said...

http://www.jamphat.com/rap/

Go there. For reals.
It translates rap into graphs!

Alexis said...

I love this, you're fantastic.

just me said...

I'm so glad you did this for me.

Being extremely white and from the woods, I am often stumped by such hipness.

Britt said...

That post had me giggling to myself...and possibly singing kiss kiss (cause I heart that song).

Love this! Cant wait to hear about the big move!!

PrincessPolly said...

"His mother forgot to tell him the "big boy" word for penis." - brilliant line! :)

Lisa H. said...

This cracked me up. I swear, I thought he was saying Laffy Taffy.

All I had to say to my husband was Welch's grape, and he knew exactly what song it was. He keeps trying to tell me he was some hardcore thug and I don't believe him. Maybe he is...

pbandrazz said...

haha - i always thought chris brown was saying "legendary" instead of lovey dovey. ha.

that biggie lyric you referenced is probably one of my favorite all time rap lyrics

Can I add my own? Not quite rap, but R&B (a fave tune of mine)

R.Kelly -
"you remind me of my jeep, i wanna ride it/something like my sounds, i wanna pump it/girl you look just like my car, i wanna wax it/something like my bank account, i wanna spend it"
translation: i want to have sex with you

Jamie Lovely said...

Princess Pointful beat me to it! Check it out if you haven't seen it before!

andrea rose said...

I recognize two of those songs when written word-for-word (doesn't help I can't tell one from the other, minus Kanye). If I heard the songs, I'd totally know the songs by what I think they're saying.

Ashley said...

I know very few rap songs, the radio station that I work for is in a building with a rap station and I looked out the window the other day and a bunch of kids were standing out with signs saying things about Chris Brown...haha. I had no idea who he was, I need to broaden my horizons perhaps.

nicoleantoinette said...

Oh the glory of being in an altered state of mind and blasting rap music. And singing to it. Loudly. Apparently, when I'm drunk I like to make sure EVERYONE is aware that I know every single word to Luda's What's Your Fantasy.

Nina said...

OOO moving to NYC, eh? Can't wait to hear about it and welcome you to my crazy town!

Traci Anne said...

Best rap line ever - "I love you like a fat kid love cake." My nerdy indie self says that all the damn time.

Also, my sweet Southern Baptist ex-roommate thought that Fiddy was saying "I ain't into having sex, I'm into making love, so come give me a hug" in In Da Club. Bless her heart!

Maxie said...

Even though I love indie music, I still jam out to rap all the time.

It just makes me feel all happy inside :-)

Banana said...

This was FUNNY! Nice work.

MsPuddin said...

Ok you probably know more lyrics than I do…

hey there is nothing wrong with a secret love for mainstream hip hop…especially when you re from the burbs…

emmaenlighted said...

LOL, this was a great post! Awesome translations ;)

Raven said...

I like the old school rap but I dug this post!

I also love the same line traci anne does!

the fanny said...

I wholeheartedly concur with the Ryan Gosling, because, PHEW.

1218Blog said...

Nothing wrong with gettin' your hip hop on! I have to tell ya I just went to see Lupe in concert last week and I was blown away. Very talented. Craziness! But what I'd like to know is in your picture on this post, when did I miss a show with 50, Kanye, Diddy and Jay-Z (together) on one stage. I would have loved to seen that.

Michelle said...

you are freakin hilarious. and i agree - 50 cent is totally insecure.

and no ma$e? slightly sad, so i'm adding him in.

"I don't wanna see you with a carriage living average. I wanna do my thing so we be established. And I don't want you rock in them fabrics. Girl, I will give you karats 'till you feel you a rabbit." Damn straight. Can I marry him now so I can get my bling?

Caitlin said...

Loves it! I am so white. I am constantly going to the Urban Dictionary to translate things for me. It's embarrassing.

alexgirl said...

Brilliant post.
You really cleared some shit up for me. And you have fantastic taste in music!

Emiline said...

Ohhh, I really, really, don't know any rap songs.
I'm a classic rock sort-of-a-girl.
But good job on they lyrics. Quite impressive.

Anonymous said...

God this is HILARIOUS!! Laugh out loud hilarious.
What about, "This is why I'm hot... I'm hot 'cuz I'm fly, you ain't 'cuz you not."??
These ridiculous lyrics could be explained with, "I don't gotta rap, I could sell a mil sayin nutin on tha track" ( I don't know why MIMS is bragging about that anyway)
TRANSLATION: The music industry CLEARLY isn't always based on talent, for lyric writing nor beat writing.

Diana Evans said...

thanks for popping by...I was reading that you're a food tv junkie...so I guess you should pop by daily to see my featured "Yummy Sketch of the day"

oh and hwo cool...you're moving to one of my favorite cities!!!

keep us posted on your move...

Cheers,
Diana

ex-tex said...

wait! he isnt saying laffy taffy????? omg ive been singing it wrong FOREVER!!!

Stacey said...

OH MY GOD HE WASN'T SAYING LAFFY TAFFY? I though that was the dumbest song, but now I know...

So@24 said...

Best drunk karaoke song? Let's hear your thoughts.

Maggie said...

OK, this is fucking funny.

Do you mind if I print it out and tape it to my bathroom mirror? I'm over 30 so I *really* need these helpful little roadmaps.

(P.S. Thank you for the help over on that Obama post. If only people could just use their brains to vote whichever way they please instead of getting all their information from FORWARDS. Wtf.)

NoRegrets said...

So, do you know rap from other parts of the world? I'm trying to collect that. I have French rap, and spanish rap, and I had heard Nigerian rap on the radio but need to go hunt it down to own it...

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

so@24......hmm...best drunk karaoke, well- I think "Here I go Again" by Whitenskae is pretty awesome, and drunk Journey is pretty rad. Then sad drunk girl usually sings country...Martina Mcbride is super depressing. um...and you cannot forget...."Shoop" Salt 'n Peppa

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Noregrets- do you listne to The Streets? if you dont, you should. I don't know any Nigerian rap, but I'll look into it....hm.

Stacy- it's still a dumb song.

Maggie- the bathroom mirror is the perfect place to tap rap lyrics, that is if you like to be called a HO everytime you look in the mirror. Up to you.

fort knocks said...

This is hilarious.

If only more guys would grow up, and realize like good old Cassidy that the important things in life are shiny things and bitches.

Pomegranate said...

LOL!! This seriously cracked me up!

I used to listen to rap, not anymore because the lyrics are always the same! How many times have you heard HOTELS, BLING, CHINCHILLA, CHROME, ICE.. and all that shizz..

bing said...

Haha, that was hilarious and made my afternoon. Rappers are always so clever with their lyrics. For example, Kanye:

You know how long I've been on ya?
Since prince was on Apollonia
Since OJ had Isotoners (wow! seriously kanye?)

Angela said...

This was so enlightening... You can add me to the group that totally thought Chris brown was saying "legendary (legendary) kiss kiss" I just thought maybe it was a Barney Stinson reference.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Pomegranete- you forgot Ho's and Bitches. We must give the Ho's and Bitches teh credit they deserve :)

ana said...

hahaha you crack me up, you are fantastic.

Now I'm off to jamphat (princess's recommendation) to check out the graphs...

Katelin said...

You are awesome, I love it.

Karina said...

This was absolutely hillarious! Seriously, I'm so going to refer a few of my friends over to read it, they'll get such a kick out of it.

Yep, laffy taffy...I even asked my 14 year old lil' sis if that's what he said. She looked at me with that "man, you're old and so not cool" look on her face. Sigh...

 
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