Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Who said BANGS were a good idea??

I stumbled upon a wellspring of models the other day.

Male models. Male models are confusing for a few reasons: Are they gay? Or are they foreign? and if they're foreign, it's ridiculously hard to tell if they're gay. Accents are the perfect cover up to gayness. I can never tell. Accents are also the perfect addition to a studly, gladiator of a man. With the face of God.


Unsurprisingly, when I should have been looking like a super babe, I was sitting at a deli- facing the window stuffing my face with a Santa Fe chicken wrap dripping with grease and chedder cheese.


Grease dripping down my chin and water dripping from my bangs made me the image of disastorous single woman feeding her stomach, in lieu of feeding her sexual appetite.


While I stared dreamily out the window as models came pouring en massssssse (WITH NICE ASS) from a door adjacent to the deli, one of them made eye contact with me.....then scurried like a scared mouse at the site of a starved cat.


I, then caught a view of my reflection in the window and wanted to run like hell too.


You know what doesn't work in the city?? Fucking BANGS.

Wind= bad for the bangs.

Rain= bad for the bangs.

Sweat, from walking six thousand blocks= bad for the fucking bangs.


This is no Lipstick Jungle my friends....where that cute designer girl has perfect bangs. What the fuck is that about?? That's false advertisement. And so are heels, cause....my feet were bleeding today from wearing tattered uggs.

Had I been wearing stilettos.....someone would have had to report finding 10 toes, scattering the streets from 15th to SOHO. Like a crime scene, a trail to the toeless girl at the coffee shop.


That would be the outcome of heels.


So Lipstick Jungle, Sex and the City, Cashmere Mafia, I loved you, I had faith in you, and now.....I have wet bangs and blisters.


I also stumbled (from weak knees) past about 8 of my future husbands, if ONE could work out that'd be great....I believe I was on Broome?....if any of you men are reading my blog, I was the girl who stared at you open jawed, through wet bangs. But, with a really "bangin'" cute outfit.....since, ya know, men give a shit about that sort of thing.

NO, they care about boobs and bangs....but i'm too eskimo WRAPPED in 12 layers for them to see my boobs. So, they better care about the damn bangs.

HOWEVER:
You know who doesn't mind if I have wet bangs and pesto stuck in my teeth?? TwentySomethings (I love her.) and Exposed NYC (so sweet)....who have both met me for coffee/drinks this week and I can fairly say I have two new amazing friends in the city.


Cheers to that....drenched, calloused and sweaty.
THE MISSION: If I could find time for A MAN in the mix....that'd be GOLDEN.
I work 6 days a week, not including the freelance work, the magazine is great, work is tiring, I RUN AROUND A LOT and I can remain looking sexsamatastic, IF I take a cab.
Now, when I get home at night, it'd be nice to have someone to get in my jami's with, watch movies and have some make-out sessions. That's the goal.
As long as I don't introduce myself as, "Hi, I'm Chelsea Talks Smack, desperate for lovin' AND I'm fucking great. Take me out." It's never good when you could get to a point where that could accidentally slip out of your mouth.....wish me luck. I think I'm on the right track....





65 comments:

Sizzle said...

i knew those shoes had to be lying. i can't even go down the friggin' hallway in heels without hurting myself. i'd never make it in NYC.

you're totally on the right path. dontcha let anyone tell ya different.

Maria said...

Ugh, all of those fraking things mess with my bangs, as well. I thought bangs were a brilllliant idea. In concept, for sure. In reality, absolutely not.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Maria- Yes in SITTING IN ON PLACE CONCEPT. AARRRGH.

Hillary said...

I don't know how SJP manages to run in heels. She's like a monster-athlete or something - she must have the strongest ankles Ever.

Maxie said...

my hair is HORRIBLE in the rain. it's ridiculous. It gets all puffy and scary-- way worse than bangs.

distractedspunk said...

I...actually have an easier time traipsing around Manhattan in heels than I do California. Go figure that one out. Maybe it's because I'm conditioned to it?

Kiala said...

OMG...I KNOW.

Try walking your dog in the city (Different city, but still a city) with bangs. It is insane making.

Just frakking insane.

Surfergrrl said...

I'd just assume they are gay until proven otherwise. I used to have bangs too. they worked great, as long as you were indoors in perfect weather...never the case though.

Jess said...

I laughed a lot at "bangin'." You are brilliant.

lhash said...

Dude, every time I watch SatC I wonder how in the hell they do so much walking in heels. And running in heels?

(I just accidentally typed "hells" instead of "heels". I think I'm on to something there...)

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Thank god I'm not alone, let me tell you...I looked like a drowned PUUPY almost this entire week. Thank god people are humane enough to not POINT AND LAUGH AT ME.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

PUPPY**** SORRY!

poodlegoose said...

I know what you mean. Before I started working full time, I always thought you could do the whole wear heels thing, walk around and stand up for like 8 or 9 hours no prob... All because of tv. I guess I am a product of the entertainment industry... or maybe people can actually do that. I don't know. I just fall.

I'm also with you on the bangs thing. On windy days, as it is windy here almost every day, I've resorted to pulling them to the side with a clip. Not as cool, but more practical.

The Ethical Slut said...

You have to master that trick where you half-dry your hair and then wear a cute hat...then when you get where you're going, instead of hat hair...gorgeous bangs!

Oh, and flats are your new friends.

The Alleged Ringleader said...

I couldn't agree more! I am sporting the side swept bangs but they only work when I'm sitting or standing and haven't done anything but take a spin in my car. Dancing, walking, clubbing, the bangs are horrible!

readsalot said...

It sounds like you are doing great, although frustrated and possessing painful feet. I HATE walking anywhere in heels. Just let me sit and stare at my pretty pretty shoes.

Camels & Chocolate said...

Looks like you're livin' it up! Reminds me of my first summer interning in the city. Three years later, and you had to drag me out of the house on a weekend night, haha.

The Dutchess of Kickball said...

I have never really understood City Women. You know the kind, the ones who are always in heels, with perfect hair and makeup at all times of the day and always no matter what look amazing.

erin said...

oh bangs in the city. i hear you. mine always wind up looking like crap after i leave the house. and in winter, forget looking sexmatastic in the cold weather. seriously. puffy coat, hat, scarf, gloves, heinous uggs with pants tucked into them. i look like my grandma.

ana said...

Ah I've had my share of bang trouble (no intended pun). Although I do have the super power to strut in towering heels without wanting to chop my legs off. Surprisingly enough, I find them extremely comfortable.

BTW how is lipstick jungle? I haven't watched it yet...

MsPuddin said...

I’m sorry, having one of those days are we? Yeah I cute my bangs myself back in middle school and they never seemed to grow back quite right…girl I don’t know about you, but I keep an umbrella in my car and I def. had to break it out today. I don’t do wind or water either…I think I tripped over one of your toes today, pink nailpolish?

lifeintheleftlane said...

I feel your shoe and bangs pain! Why is beauty so painful?

I have the cute side swept bangs, which are normally great. But today it was hella windy, and I had to make a post office run. Thin hair + high winds = one hot mess. When I saw my reflection, I almost screamed in fright. My bangs and hair were blown all over and I felt like Britney was giving me a run on cute hair. Yikes!

m said...

i do love bangs, but you're right, today i was thinking "time i got myself a headband." and i gave up on heels long ago (i like to wear "commuting shoes" like clogs and then slip on something dressier at work.)

umm, let's be nyc friends now.

Renee said...

There's a song from Legally Blonde the musical (shut up, I DO own the CD)... Is he gay or European? The eternal paradox. Good stuff and SO true.

eleanorstrousers said...

I have an irrational hatred for women who claim stilettos don't hurt at all. I love some pretty shoes, but they are NOT made for walking.

Sounds like you are getting settled in.

Alexis said...

I've so been feeling how single I am lately...I think that makes you more attune to how sloppy you look on "bad hair days" and stuff like that...totally did it yesterday...

Felix for Zosia said...

As long as I don't introduce myself as, "Hi, I'm Chelsea Talks Smack, desperate for lovin' AND I'm fucking great. Take me out." - I couldn't help thinking that you wouldn't do tooo badly with that line, as long as you are careful not to omit any of the words. Eg:
"Hi, I'm Chelsea Talks Smack, desperate for lovin' AND fucking. Take me out."
or
"Hi, I'm Chelsea Talks Smack, desperate. Take me out."

sleepyjane said...

I so know what you mean. I live in SA. I HAVE to have bangs (I loke stupid without bangs)...but it's kinda windy here. And hot. = Sweaty forehead and weird looking bangs.

Great post!

Chele said...

As much as I like my new bangs, Holy Mother do they make bad hair days as well. Oh yeah the sweat, and the bad parting how they group together in different flocks. I have to walk around with a comb all the time now.
As for male models, I never got them. So gay, I just cant handle male models, which is rude since that is my profession, but most of the male mods I have met are just idiots.

nicoleantoinette said...

Fuck. I'm going to have to grow my bangs out if I ever move back to NYC.

Thanks for the heads up :)

Exposed said...

If it makes you feel any better, I never once noticed your bangs out of place! A good attitude and warm smile glaze over all of that.

Of course, I'm no male model...

And my favorite solution to heels in the city- gel insoles. Yes, they make them for heels and no, I can't live without them!

ex-tex said...

dude, that is the best pick up line ever! 'you should probably know i'm fucking great' :)

Ecky said...

Couldn't agree more, I never get good bangs. Tried to many stylist but the result still no good, or maybe it's my hair who have problem :))

Andrea said...

The visual on that is simply priceless! OH damn! Funny!

lspoon said...

Bangs work for me for about 15 minutes and then I regret having them cut!

I'm glad all is going well aside from the wet bangs, blisters and lack of male attention.

A Margarita said...

Good Luck! This is also why I get annoyed at these shows. Wearing stilettos in NYC? Not plausible, unless you have a cab take you door to door EVERYWHERE. If you actually have to walk more than 3 blocks, you HAVE to rock the comfortable shoes.

Raven said...

Thanks for the hot tip, totally rethinking the bangs now.

survivingmyself said...

sorry to tell you, but guys don't really notice bangs. So you might as well get rid of them if they're annoying you.

and that's why those shoes are fake - because no one can function here and walk around looking perfect all the time. It's impossible.

Ashley said...

I couldn't do it in heels either, ugh!

I am jealous that you got to hang with TwentySomething...she seems awesome!

JanelleGrace said...

That is why I hate all of those shoes. I am enjoying my sneakers very much.

(And men care about boobs but not bangs.)

But good luck with everything. New York is great once you realize that Sex & The City lied. :)

DG said...

Everytime I see cute bangs on TV or in movies, I always crave them. But then I realize that that is not the case inreal life. It can never be as cute as it looks.

DG said...

Everytime I see cute bangs on TV or in movies, I always crave them. But then I realize that that is not the case inreal life. It can never be as cute as it looks.

Kate said...

Thanks for the advice. When I was in NYC for the AWP conference, I had to walk a mile in the rain. Came out looking like an emo kid with my bangs streaming into my eyes (the forlorn expression didn't help, either). So, I guess I know what I have to do next time.

K.

PrincessPolly said...

I can't walk any sort of a distance in heels. I think Carrie from Sex and the City must have feet like Barbie - ie. she'll topple over if she's barefoot. Oh and my hair turns into a perm in the rain. Not pretty. I hate to think what wet bangs would look like on me. . .

1218Blog said...

I'd like to point out the positive here. The "bangin'" cute outfit has to count for something!

1218Blog said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
heather lauren said...

Haha I totally agree. I always think bangs are a good idea and then I take a year to grow them out! I am currently in the "growing out" phase but one little piece doesn't go behind my ear and it's frustrating!

My hair looks so nice when I leave the house (in my pumas of course... I can't walk to work in heels! They kill!) and then the wind starts up.

Larissa said...

I personally think heels are evil, and should be avoided at all costs.

thegirlfromtheghetto said...

Girl, I just got bangs again Saturday and you are scaring me with all your anti-bang talk. I'm just gonna keep an umbrella in my purse to help fight wet-bang syndrome.

just me said...

if only you and I were lesbians, then we could do that jammi-make-out stuff.


...except, let's just pretend we do. And advertise it at bars. And get free drinks ALL NIGHT LONG.

Colette said...

Bangs are such a pain in the ass. About two years ago, I had this cute little 1920's-esque bob, complete with bangs. I had to straighten my hair (which is naturally curly) every day, and even that wasn't a guarentor that my hair would always look as it was suposed to. I also have cowlicks, which worsened the situation. Thankfully everything is nicely grown out now, but growing bangs out is even worse than dealing with unruly ones to begin with.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

m- yes we can be friends!!! OF COURSE!!! E-mail me :)

Ashley- SHE ISSSSSSSSS!!!!!!


Just me- I'm down, lets do it!!! xoxox.

Princess Pointful said...

You know what I love? How you think you can get away with a ponytail on your way home for the gym without looking too ratty. But then your sweaty plastered-to-the-forehead bangs give you away.

momochacha said...

Doesn't matter if they're gay or straight, because male models are most importantly in love with themselves. And we all know how unfortunate it is to sleep with a man who's in love with himself...

So don't worry! You didn't miss anything.

Maybe use a cute clip or something to pin your bangs back next time it rains? And try surf hair paste for windy days ... the combo of wind-touseled sculptable hair I think can be tres sexy. :)

I say don't give up on it; the next time a hot-(non)model walks in unexpectedly you'll be grateful you wore the heels, blisters and all. And just think--life's short, and the time you have to strut around the city in hot-to-death footwear is even shorter.

Cruz said...

Keep the bangs!

; )

JEMi @ InMyHeels said...

Everytime I come to this blog, it's always an amusing read.

I'm a NYer and I live vicariously through those shows bc I too am not doing bangs NOR the heels unless wherever I'm going is using Cab A to Cab B. Which is certainly not everyday life

Ah. the Male models. Many a day would something like that happen to me. Like at my old job as a receptionist where I thought I would ribbit intead of saying anything remotely amusing bc this Adonis felt the need to saunter before me during down time when I was way too preoccupied doing nothing.

Luckily, my smile said.. something other than "I'm sorry.. I can't speak English to you this very second"

sigh.

And the damn bangs. I love em- I really do. So if anyone DOES figure out a way to make it work out - someone, let me know!

Miss Mrs...a blog of everyday delights said...

you're awesome

Courtney said...

Hey Girl,

I'll never do bangs again! They look amazing on some, but I mostly feel like a fat kid with them and not trendy at all.

As a side note, I keep your blog up all day and use it as music to get me through my day. I love your selections, so thanks for keeping me from jumping out a window.

d said...

Your Santa Fe wrap sounded way yummier than a hot male model.

And the distinction between foreign and gay is a very fine line. I like to use it to my advantage in San Francisco, as in:

"Is he gay? Or just foreign?"

"Tight jeans, questionable man bag, really good hair, just too pretty to be gay! It wouldn't be fair...and I'm in the Castro, I'm going with foreign."

It's the gay-foreign denial trick.

LADY said...

Alright - I can solve your bang problem. My assistant (yes, how very pretentious of me) got the Andi "Devil Wears Prada" haircut a few weeks ago. When I saw her perfect bangs I thought "yeah, we'll see how long that lasts". And they did! Going out, running around - always freaking perfect. She even spent the night at my apartment and when she woke up STILL PERFECT. being someone who is growing her bangs out because I got fed up with them, I had to ask her what she does to them. The secret? The CHI straightener. That's it. She straightens them with a wet/dry CHI and VOILA! I was skeptical until I tried it. It works. Now I make her bring her straightener to work on Fridays so I can use it and have awesome bangs all weekend. Even when it is damp. I haven't gotten caught in the rain with them yet though - I don't think there is a cure for that.

You are welcome to join us for drinks anytime dear. After the first week of March would be grand!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Lady- that's the haircut I got!!

AND YES, I would LOVE to come and have drinks with you and your assistant :)I'm gonna e-mail you!

Britt said...

hahaha! Love it! Bet the bangs look good though (when they arent sweaty, wet or wind blown). I wish I could pull of bangs and not look really horrible. :)

damselindigress said...

bangs are so cute though! and gah - the price we must pay to look cute - er' - bangin!

i'll be out in nyc in the nxt couple mmonths. can we please meet up for drinks?? we'll take cabs all night so we can rock our bangs AND our heels ;)

bitterbabe said...

OMYGOSH! YOU HAVE READ MY MIND CHELSEA! I HATE HATE HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY DON'T YOU GET BANGS? this includes people like my mother, and men, who don't have to run around the city and do multiple tasks!! i base my haircut on convenience!

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