Sunday, February 10, 2008

Would you punch Granny???

"If I gave you a million dollars would you slap Granny across the face??" My uncle Bobby cracks open a Coors Light and we play the "What would you do for a million?" game.

"Um, I'd do it for ten grand." No hesitation there.

"AND, I would be mad at you if you didn't!!" My grandma responds without haste over a glass of red wine.

This is precisely why I love my family. We have Sunday dinner, every Sunday...since as long as I can remember. Usually it's Italian food, since- we're Italian. But we mix it up with taco/margarita nights, and often pizza. Since, pizza fucking rocks, and everyone likes a good excuse to quench their thirst with a frosty glass of beer.

And honestly, it's the thing I miss the ABSOLUTE MOST when I'm away, not the beer, the family. I don't miss the full pantry of food, I don't miss the security so much, I don't miss my bed, I miss my family. I miss Sundays. My favorite day.

I miss "Family Olympics" let's just say we're a competitive bunch, so we like to challenge each other to games like pole-vaulting with tree branches, and trivia. My mother is convinced she is the smartest person alive, so things often get loud. We debate, we talk over each other, we disagree, we cook together, we're uncensored, we kiss each other's foreheads and gush over how we happen to be the GREATEST FAMILY EVER, who totally deserve a reality show. (MTV, Get in contact with my people.)
And every time I decide to flee, they get me a farewell cake and wrap me in hugs of encouragement, strength and send me with a shot for road.

The red wine flows like water. Purple teeth and lips grin widely and laugh loudly. We get entirely inappropriate, and they still manage to accept me when I have a glass too many and confess my trashy lapses in judgement, and for good measure they offer me their stories too:

Granny, when my mom found her bong as a teenager,"OOOOHHHHH...I was just keeping it for my friend!!!" Though, she's also the one who had a pet raccoon named, Cocaine Sadie. A fucking RACCOON. I couldn't make that up, I'm not that good.

I always want them to know how much I love and adore them. We express it openly, but I want to tattoo my face with their names to show my gratitude.
I would clean their toilets for the rest of eternity, I would pay their taxes and take them to trips in Tuscany, if I could. I would take on a wild pack of hyena's with my bare hands if it would make them more content.

Anything I could do to make their lives better, I would do- they're the most important thing to me in the world, and for all of the dysfunction families can have, all of the differences and "faults", I am proud to put a stamp on them all and call them mine.

So, when my uncle asked if I'd punch my Granny in the face for a million dollars, when she was sitting across the table....Of course I said yes, cause I'd give the entire million back to her after the hit.

Ok, maybe not THE WHOLE million.
Would you punch your Granny??

51 comments:

Renee said...

Your family and my family should get together and go bowling. We're Irish Catholic, so we're pretty badass drinkers, too. Actually, I think we attribute the drinking to all the Jimmy Buffett music we listen to. Our summers are spent on our pontoon aka The Party Barge with Uncle Pat's famous margaritas, Corona, and king crab legs.

Damn, I need the summer right now.

Lisa said...

Shit. I love you. Awesome laugh-out-loud post. Your family's hilarious.

emmaenlighted said...

LOL, I love loud comfortingly non-conventional families :) Great post ;)

lspoon said...

Aw, your family sounds amazing!

Diane Mandy said...

Probably not, but my father did FIRE my grandmother once.

She totally deserved it.

Maxie said...

can you ask your family to adopt me please? LOL

and YES i would punch granny...but i wouldn't give her any of the money.

Andrea said...

I totally get it. I am Italian and when I miss a Sunday dinner with my family I just want to cry!

The Dutchess of Kickball said...

I want your family, will they adopt me?

Stephanie said...

This is hysterical! Your family sounds amazing. And the pet raccoon?! I love it!

brandy said...

Your family totally reminds me of my friends family. They are a complete riot. As for my grandma, I'm pretty sure I would curb stomp her for a stick of gum.

Was that going too far?

A Lil' Irish Lass said...

This sounds like my family, only Irish. We have big family Sunday dinners with my grandparents too. We tell inappropriate jokes, we curse, we fight, we eat and drink. And, like you, it's what I miss the most when I'm not there.

Mike said...

Is it creepy to fall in love with a family after a few paragraphs of description?

Raven said...

In a heartbeat. Sadly, not in the good way.

Hex said...

The mental image of a racoon snorting lines should go on a flag, either that or become some highschools mascot.

That's AWESOME!

Jess said...

This is such a sweet post. I don't have a granny, so it's easy for me to say yes to your question. Your family makes me jealous.

ChasingParadise said...

Your family sounds absolutely adorable!

And yes, I would have punched my granny (were she still alive) but for entirely DIFFERENT reasons.

She was the WORLD'S biggest Bitch. Ever.

Alexandra's World said...

Aw! That's awesome. Your family sounds a little like mine! :)

A.P. said...

holy hell your family is awesome. i've always wanted a close knit family, but we're kinda cold hearted bitches who pretend to be happy and perfect at family functions. although a few of my cousins came to a party i threw once and ever since then- it's a dirty little secret how wild we can get!

but i dont think i could ever punch my grandma.

DJSassafrass said...

I'm sure my granny would have wanted me to punch her and to enjoy the million!

ashley said...

That's perfect. Sounds like my family. You're hilarious!

Meghan said...

I would not punch my granny, but I DID almost spray coffee out my nose from laughing.
Your family soumds delightful, can they adopt me for a Sunday dinner?

Maria said...

yay for italian grandmothers!

we're nuts too, my italian family. only we need to add more alcohol to the mix... i think we'd like each other more if we did.

Single In The City said...

Chelsea, I would so get along with your family, We are Jewish, and we love some wine! and your family is like mine, I drive to my parents at least 3 times aweek to eat and oh yeah!! Dinner is the bomb! I love when our WHOLE family is together.. Okay, I think I am going to get in my car and drive home! LOL

Shalom

M said...

your family sounds so close and it sounds like you all have a blast together! AWESOME

Lacey Bean said...

I dont know if I could punch my grandma in the face for $. Hmmmm.

But your family sounds a lot like mine... and I know when I move out with Dave, I'm going to miss dinners with my parents, cause they're hysterical.

Woo hoo you're in NYC!!

thegirlfromtheghetto said...

I really enjoyed that post. I, too, have an Italian family, but they fell apart after my (Great) Grandma died when I was 19. I don't think I could ever punch her in the face, for any amount of money. I loved her that much. But's its great to hear you guys are so fun you can joke (Or even be serious) about that sort of stuff. Sundays sound fabulous ....

Traci Anne said...

Adopt me, plz? KTHXBAI.

Britt said...

I wish I had a family like this. Makes me kinda want to adopt yours :)

Deutlich said...

heh. i'm pretty sure both of my grandmothers would find a way to KILL me after doing that. money or not.

A Margarita said...

I would totally punch Granny even though I don't think she would appreciate it.

There's nothing like family. I miss mine too.

r.xo said...

Wow, your passion is so palpable here. I miss my gran. She would have made me punch her, too :)

each of the two said...

duh, id also have a go at yours that kind a moola.

and you can tell your mom that I will tackle any trivia wannabee any day, i kick ass at that game.

Dolce said...

I don't think I would punch my grandma, but I would freely give my in-laws to a pack of hyenas.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

hahahaha for the record you are ALL invited to Sunday dinner, ya know, virtually- or hey, in real life, depends on how bad yo want ot spend money on a plane ticket for one crazy ass evening.

all of the poeple that asked if we could adopt them? Sure thing, we have a seriously comfortable couch.

Brandy- not going far at all, thats hilarious lol. I don't know about curb stomping? hm, I think I could do it for a mil. for sure.

MsPuddin said...

Great post! Gotta love the fam. My granny is 6 feet under, but I couldn’t slap that women, she used to buy me shoes!

MsP

Alexis said...

Unfortunately, my family doesn't do the drinking part...long line of teetotalers...

BUT they are a RIOT and I adore them. They drive me up a wall, but they are more than I could ask for in family. We've been told on several occasions that we should have our own show as well.

And for serious, your family sounds awesome and I totally want to come over for Sunday! I don't know if I'd slap my granny, she has Alzheimer's and I think that would make me feel bad...ha...

pbandrazz said...

can i please join your family? i always wanted a loud, obnoxious family but never got one. and i always wanted to be italian, so i'm envious of that too.

hilarious!

my family is funny, but mostly i am laughing AT them.

Rebecca said...

I think your family and my family would get along. We are the charter members of the purple teeth club after all.

Le Petit Chic said...

Okay, your family sounds fucking awesome! Especially your granny!

Exposed said...

I can't promise you a trivia-spouting grandmother, but I do know a great NYC bar stocked with board games and wine.

What do you think about an orphan family dinner one Sunday night in NYC?

Vanessa said...

Can I just say I am seriously envious of your family? Are they adopting by chance?

ana said...

hahaha your family is so much fun. Can I join the gang?

nicoleantoinette said...

I don't have the best/closest relationship with my family and I found this post to be lovely and hilarious and definitely something to be envied.

And I do the Italian Sunday dinner thing too! I even do it for just me when I'm alone. Last night I made homemade pasta and it was just wonderful.

Katelin said...

Haha, your family sounds awesome. I love crazy families. I really don't know what I'd do without mine either.

jennifer said...

hahahaha
this is so sweet

Katherine said...

I don't think I could do it...I don't know my grandma nearly well enough to risk it.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

exposed- LETS TO DO IT!!!! DEFINITELY

Flair said...

Your family sounds hilarious!!

Ashley said...

Your family sounds like soooo much fun! My family is awesome but a wee bit conservative.

I think I would punch Granny, then we would both enjoy the money and the bruise would heal. haha.
I'm not sure, that would be hard to do.

And I Call This My Life... said...

Hi...I found you on "Carrie in the City" today. I love the blog.

I must say, i'd punch my granny in the face for a million too. She's LDS and I LOVE HER, but she metals in everything too much. AND I'd love to see the look on her face after I did.

Princess Pointful said...

It is such a blessing to have a relationship like that with your family. I am close to mine, too, and I sometimes forget how amazing they are until I hear about other's peoples trials and tribulations.

And I totally would... if I could tell her why first.

 
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