Friday, March 7, 2008

Homeless as FUCK.

MOTHER FUCK, FUCK, FUCK.
I keep saying I need to "work on my language" and every time I say it- I'm just saying it to please people, to lessen my "offense", and what not. I don't mean it, at all-when I'm taking back my fucks. Every time I say it my whole heart is behind it, and my heart is out almost ALWAYS... FUCK is very often the word I NEED to use to express what I'm feeling, and yes, some would say that makes me sound like I'm ;uneducated, have a difficult time expressing my emotions, lack the words for better communication, troubled, etc. In my opinion, if you can't say "fuck" you have the communication issues, not I my friends.

Any who, this blog isn't about fuck, fucking or the origin of "fuck."

The thing I'm saying "fuck" over tonight is, why THE FUCK, do I always need everyone and their mother, their extended family, their friends, their doormen, their accountants, their toothbrushes, their maids, and everyone in their damn life circles- to like me?
And though I'm the first to say, self sufficiency is the only way, or "I could live the single life forever" "I'm so BUSY", or "I keep a close circle because it's 'quality over quantity;", they're all perfectly acceptable sugar-coated responses to questions regarding my singular status, romantically or otherwise, I would prefer to not have the need to whip them out as often as strippers whip out titties.

Its funny, cause actually- I think I tend to give off the "I'm so cool, I'm so cool, I'm so freaking cool." vibe, that most people think I don't give an EFF. I've been told I'm "intimidating" more than...12 times? And intimidating, to me, translates to "I think you look like a scary bitch."

So maybe they just think I'm perfectly dandy and fine every time they don't invite me out, validate my awesomeness, sing my praises, ACKNOWLEDGE MY MOTHERFUCKING PRESENCE, ETC. but really, no, I'm not fucking fine. Yes, I make plans alone, I plan vacations or ridiculous unplanned moves, completely by myself- I know what kind of wine I like and not having anyone to answer to works out just fine. But when it comes down to it, I'd like to have the option of having someone to alert when I'm deciding what to do for the evening...Or for instance, I spent a solid 13 minutes trying to decide between Sprite Zero and Diet Dr. Pepper at the pharmacy, I wanted to ask the woman at the cash register, "light or dark?" since, I simply couldn't make up my damn mind.

So tonight, when I had an "appointment" to look at a potential apartment (long story short, I was supposed to move in with friends on the 15th, they told me roughly 4 nights ago that, their other roommate was staying put- well, FUCK, thanks. I have 10 days to FIND A PLACE (that's affordable), IN MANHATTAN?!) I was beyond excited, it felt like kismet when the address was e-mailed to me and it was DIRECTLY next door to the friends apartment I'm currently staying at. DIRECTLY NEXT DOOR. I thought,I've got this. NAILED IT. Champagne anyone?

The apartment is in Chelsea, four roomies- two attorneys, one doctor, one model- and me? hopefully? The layout, was amazing. Susan Surandon is a neighbor, the closet was spacious, balcony was in the room, PERFECT LOCATION, flat screen TV; which just sounds nice I don't actually have time to watch the telly, ETC. I was so excited after I saw the apartment I felt like doing a toe touch and breaking into cheer. "The Model" (who internally made me feel like a gigantic asshole for mentally measuring her thighs, so I could go home and see how much I should lose from my own)was friendly, sweet, we had ping-pong conversation, talked about yoga, poetry, art, and other things that models shouldn't know anything about-since models shouldn't be be given the gift of intelligence too, it's threatening, unfair. I wanted to give her a best friend necklace right away, she fooled me into thinking we were instant best friends....though she was a fucking model, we had A LOT in common, writing, drinking wine- pretty homes with men to protect us from potential intruders or earthquakes?

I went home, ready to pop "the bubbly" and celebrate my new home. I'm likable, 1 out of 5, I've gotta be number 1? Come on, I figure from Craigslist the rest must be crazies, old- smell funny? So, I waited patiently while watching Dateline NBC for my "acceptance letter" e-mail. Smelling lovely might I add.

When this arrived, I felt dumped:
"Hey Chelsea Talks Smack,
I think (you think?!) I really enjoyed meeting you and think we would get along great as well, and it was a tough call, but there was one other girl who I bonded with a little more and liked. I'm sorry it didn't work out, I will keep you posted if things change or if the boys do not approve. Again I'm sorry and really did like you as a potential roommate and you seem like a really cool girl. take care and good luck in your search!!

All the best,
MODEL WHO IS HAS A BETTER LIFE THAN YOU. HA. HA.

I was shocked. WHAT?! NO. NO. NO. I threw a couple clenched fist at the sky (since, you know, the fucking SKY is "watching me" and understands my anguish)

AND WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING THE PAST THREE HOURS?? Well, other than contemplating which size cardboard BOX my ass will fit in after finishing my bowl of popcorn, or if I could possibly sleep in my suitcase in the holding room of a cozy Marriott, I've been thinking...."WHY DIDN'T SHE LIKE ME?!"

Like a fucking insecure child. A homeless, insecure child.
Does that ever go away? Why would I be #2, why couldn't I be #1? What did that other girl have that I didn't? Why does she get the cute apartment with a fireplace in her bedroom, BITCH. Which spins me into a frenzy of, why did my ex pick that OTHER bitch over me, am I the "favorite intern", does my boss like me, is God pissed at me for my selfish decisions in a past life? Was I a harlot, a home wrecker, a man-stealer, a murder? What in the FUCK.

back to the word FUCK, because frankly, it sums up my situation...

so, IF ANYONE, all of you Internet strangers who now know more about my life than most of the people who know me, actually I take that back, I sort of slit my chest open and serve my heart on a a platter to all that I meet, maybe I should use a bit more discretion in the future, no?
IF, you know anyone subleasing a fantastic apartment that will allow my to EAT, do my laundry and occasionally take a cab when I'm too drunk to walk home, please let me know.

I'm going to try to stop being so insecure and wondering why I couldn't say I have at least ONE FRIEND who is a supermodel..... maybe so I don't feel guilt every time I order pizza at home and she's shivering and hungry curled in the corner putting on fake eyelash's and drinking coffee? Cause that, is just sad.

65 comments:

Sizzle said...

That's awful! I'm so sorry to hear it! :( I hate roommate situations because it feels like a popularity contest. No one likes losing those. But rest assured you are very likable and the perfect place will come about. With no model roommate and plenty of opps to order pizza without shame.

I am thinking good thoughts for you. Hang in there!

tipptalk said...

Ugh, I hate it when people lure you in and make you feel all close then walk away with little explanation. You are better that that, keep you head up and good luck with the search!

A Lil' Irish Lass said...

Oh Chelsea! That's horrible! I'm so sorry your apartment search is going so poorly.

But, on the plus side, now we can all go back to hating models. Dumb fucking bitches.

The Ethical Slut said...

Hi Chelsea,

On the one hand, by the description, I'd say your budget is at a minimum of $1500/month...nice! 10 days sucks, but with that budget and if you increase your search area out into harlem/brooklyn, you should be alright.
Shoot me an email if you're on the verge of homelessness...we have a spare room:)
And if you're making such big bucks, you should ultimately look into buying...right?

Surfergrrl said...

ugh! it's like getting dumped before you've even had your first date. I hope this other girl turns out to be single white female. then the skinny beeotch will regret her decision!

sequined said...

Oh no! I know the apartment hunt sucks; my friends who moved to New York had horror stories, too. But it'll work out, I'm sure! And you're totally more likeable. She must have gotten you confused with someone else if you were only her second favorite. PSH!

Arielle said...

Yours is a pretty typical New York apartment search story. I had to pay an exorbitant broker fee in order to land my affordable apartment (thankfully I've now been here long enough to have offset that fee). Good luck!!!

Mike said...

I'll give you a room for $300.00 a month.

The downside is the commutes murder, and the night life here in small town Ontario sucks, but look at the money you'll save!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Ethical Slut- It's not quit that much, but hopefully with my BLOSSOMING CAREER (This is positive self talk I'm speaking to set into action, it's gotta work right?) I will be able to spend that much EVENTUALLY. thats part of why this deal faling through sucked so bad, it was PERFECTION and AFFORDABLE, much less than 1500

Anyway-yeah- if I'm homeless, you may be getting an email from my on a street corner, from a box.

The Dutchess of Kickball said...

It's all about how you spin it. Forget you didn't get this awesome apartment, think about how you just made an awesome friend. Invite this model girl out, pursue a friendship with her, and if it works out you guys end up tight thank goodness you didn't get the apartment. Sharing a place is a sure-fire way to kill a relationship with a friend.

A home will come, it has to. In Manhattan, home to a bajillion people, must have room for you as well.

Missy said...

Oooo, sad. Big bummer. I'd tell you to come live with me but I am very far away from you in a city much less exciting than New York.

I feel the same way! I hate when people tell me I'm intimidating (because I'm smart? pretty? witty? speak up for myself?) which I know really just translates into them thinking I am a bitch.

It's probably good you didn't get the apartment because you'd get so sick of hearing the model in the bathroom puking all day long ;)

JD said...

At least you don;t have to listen to the model talking about how she is gaining weight and needs to diet when she is already 5'7" and 110 pounds. That would get really annoying quick.

brandy said...

What the hell. I'm sorry you are going through this. I know I would be feeling something similar if I was in your shoes, I definitely want people to like me in an almost unhealthy way. Although I think it's a good idea to be kind to the model, I'm not sure I could ever hang out with her all the time. I think I would always wonder ' you chose someone else over me!?". As petty and ridiculous as that sounds, I know me pretty well and that's exactly how I would be.

I can't offer any help on the moving front, but if you are ever in Alberta, let me know and you can stay with me! Fingers crossed for you dear!

just me said...

I adore you, and I am going to help you find a place if it kills me.

Remember, my angels and your angels are like, taking a smoke break right now.

We shall stick together until they come back.

The Ethical Slut said...

* My boyfriend is looking for a roommate for his new loft, top floor (former captain's quarters) of a firehouse at Metropolitan and Grand (closest train is L at Grand). He'll be doing some building in March, move in between March 15-April 1, you could possibly get in earlier to paint, etc. The place is big, 1200 square feet with windows at both ends, spiral staircase, 16-foot ceilings, some second floor rooms already built out. The loft in your room has views all the way to Manhattan and Queens, private office/living room space below. Nice details throughout, maple window frames, marble tiled bathroom, unusual place with lots of character. There is an art metal fabrication shop on the ground floor. Ground floor courtyard, also roof access for summertime bbqs. $1200 includes work and living space, utilities included. Flexible space to set up art, music, editing studio, or desk area. Pet up for discussion (especially a dog!). No indoor smokers. Start April 1 with deposit and 1s
t month's rent, or possibly as soon as March 15. He's handy (in fact, a handyman by profession) and a good cook, plus he's at my house half the time so basically an ideal roommate. It would be great if you are ready to pitch in with cleaning, building, painting, especially in the first few months of build out. The place is mostly furnished aside from your space, would work well for someone without a lot of stuff. Contact Alita, reversibleskirt[at]gmail.com with some information about yourself please.

* Five rooms available in a huge 8,000 square foot artist loft space in Astoria, Queens. Three live/works range from $700-925, art studio space (work only) from $400-550. Starting March 15 or April 1 with first month rent and one month security deposit. Space features a huge 16 high ballroom/studio, 10 rooms, two bathrooms, kitchen, huge common area, pro sound system, wireless broadband, wrap-around mezzanines, 1500 square foot roof deck, washer/dryer in unit, studio facilities, cyc wall, dance studio space, music rehearsal space, construction hand tools and power tools, trash compactor, garbage disposal, and many more terrific household amenities and creative facilities. The space has been home to musicians, painters, lawyers, yogis, event producers, actors, doctors, software developers, social workers, students, bankers, technicians, and many more. Besides being a great place to live and be creative, we also have an ongoing calendar of events ranging from sketch drawing, to
poi classes, open mics, drum circles, photo shoots and film screenings to all night dance parties. We provide a unique living space where privacy and community are well-respected and kept intact and are looking for other like-minded individuals who are interested in contributing. The space is a short walk from the N/W trains at Ditmars Boulevard and one block from a 24-hour grocery store, in one of the safest neighborhoods in New York. (Travel times include: 15 minutes to 59th and Lexington, 25-30 to Union Square. If this sounds like the place you've been looking for email mtummolo[at]gmail.com.

* We have a gorgeous five-bedroom duplex in the up and coming neighborhood bordering Bed-Stuy and South Williamsburg. The apartment features high ceilings, large kitchen, two full baths, wooden floors, large windows and a rooftop garden with a great view of Manhattan. We are four creative types, all women, who are looking for one more to make it a full house. We have three cats as well. We maintain a smoke free house as well as keep a vegetarian kitchen. We are looking for other creative, interesting, down to earth women. The apartment is convenient to two subway lines, the G and the JMZ. The Lower East Side is an easy bike commute over the Williamsburg bridge. Midtown in 40 minutes, Union Square in 30 by train. The room is available starting on March 1. It is a sunny, private room, medium sized with a large closet. The rent is 675$ a month plus utilities ($50 for gas, electric, and wireless internet). Move in is first month's rent plus security deposit. No credit check or re
ferences required. Sorry, no more pets. Plants are welcome, however. Make sure to tell us a little bit about yourself: caspiansea[at]hotmail.com.

new york dactyl said...

ugh... i abhor apartment hunting in this city. somehow i managed to end up in a perfectly decent LIC neighborhood, my rent is cheapish, and my commute to work is now a whopping 10 minutes. but i had to sit with a bunch of crazies before i ended up here.

good luck... and if i hear of anyone needing a roommate i'll def let you know.

Miss Adventurous said...

Hey, CTS. I don't know if you'll deign to live in Brooklyn, but I DO know of a good sublet in Cobble Hill for $1150 (sans annoying models)...

You know what? I got left in a similar situation by a roomie when I moved here. She didn't even give me the courtesy of telling me right away that she had found a place without me! But my life is so much the better for it, let me tell ya. I wound up living alone; and sure, I don't live in Manhattan, or even Park Slope, but I do love my cute little place.

Ashley said...

I know what you mean about always being by yourself...never having anyone around, it sucks. I am right there with you sister. I HATE it! The one constant I have right now is my mom.

I hope you find a place, that is scary. It is true, models are dumb as a box of rocks or else she would know you RAWK!

Natalie said...

Unfortunately, I don't have any apartment leads to pass onto you.

I can, however, let you know that you're not alone as far as feeling rejected by those who perceive you as "intimidating." I've been told that people are intimidated by me. I've also been told that this is because they perceive me as being a.) smart, and b.) self-sufficient. Apparently, if you have your shit together (even if you don't! That doesn't seem to matter a whit if everyone else thinks that you do!) you must be judging everyone else! *Rolls eyes.* The whole thing really is "fuck"-worthy. ("Fuck" is so wonderfully cacophonic that it seems made for situations like this!)

And while, I haven't experienced your exact situation, I've felt horribly rejected when I didn't get jobs even though I was highly qualified and hit it off with the interviewer(s).

Anyway, I know this comment doesn't actually change your situation, but I hope that it will maybe help you feel a little less isolated.

lizziebelle said...

obviously the roommate they chose owns a yacht or a learjet. these are the only two conceivable reasons they would pick ANYONE over you.

christine said...

aw man, that does deserve several "fucks". I can completely relate about wanting universal acceptance, it's something I have to talk myself through several times a day ("why did that teenage boy look at me weird? is it because I'm ugly? oh wait, I am fucking insane...")
You sound like so much fun to room with!

Alexis said...

I love you. You are effing amazing and would so have been my first choice had I somehow in an alternate universe far far away from here been that model.

andrea said...

Holy shit! I wish I had a place to give you, but alas, not so much. Lots of luck, I know you're find something fantastic.

Tina Vaziri said...

I hope you find a place soon, and that the model gets a pimple for not picking you.

Raven said...

I don't see how she could like anyone more than you, so the real truth of the matter is the other girl is less competition. Less cool, less cute, less on point with the conversation; that is how it goes with models.

I'm sorry hon, mojo is coming your way from Texas.

BNY said...

My best friend is subleting her 2-bedroom in Jersey ... and the thought of Jersey is probably making you say "FUCK" ... but it's within sight of Manhattan, brand new and a 20-minute commute (one you get on the bus, ahem). Plus, it's a two-bedroom for like $1500. Also, there are open units in my building in Harlem all the time. Studios for $1200 / one-bedrooms for something more than $1200 ... I don't know ... anyway - if you're interested in more information about either, email me: nycblogger@yahoo.com

Michelle & the City said...

ugh that sucks! you could totally room with me, but i think the commute from columbus would be a bitch! ;)

good luck, i'm sure you find something. think positively!

Alya said...

If I lived in NY, I would invite u to live FOR FREE with me! Who doesnt want a sweet dirty-mouthed little girl like Chelsea? ;P

but seriously maybe she just didnt feel "It". Its not you, and its not her. It's just that she wasnt feeling it and probably clicked more with the other person.

You never know whats in store for u. Dont despair.. yet.

Cakespy said...

Apartment searching fucking sucks.

irunwithscissors said...

Ugh, I hate when that happens... and I know that I always have the same reaction.. why wasnt I good enough? Unfortunately there really isnt much yo can do about it! Just keep looking and it will come together! Good luck!

Meghan said...

You're lovely and oh so likable Chelsea. If I lived in NYC I'd have your stuff moved in already. Good luck with the search.

sid said...

Glad I'm not the only one who suffers from the same affliction. To make myself feel better I would have told myself that maybe the better roommate bribed her.

Single In The City said...

Chelsea, I am so sorry, and I think that you have earned your saying of FUCK!

I have had to interview for roommates before, it is a hard decision but you would be in my apartment in 2 shakes of a lambs tale.

you will find you something. Praying for ya!
Single

Exposed said...

Welcome to NYC initiation. EVERYONE I know has an apartment hunting horror story. I found my current place as a temporary solution when suddenly thrown out on my ass which ended up working out brilliantly.

Ears open and fingers crossed! And, um, it's not you, it's models.

PrincessPolly said...

That sucks chick, hope you find something soon. Nothing worse than trying to flst-hunt when time is running out, or meeting someone you think you've bonded with then them essentially pooing all over you. The bitch.

PrincessPolly said...

Obviously I meant to say "flat-hunt" not "flst-hunt". (And I'm frankly disturbed how much that looked like FIST-HUNT and wondering if that's a possible euphemism for something.)

V said...

Oooh your sentiments extend to interviewing for jobs too. They reel you in to the point where you can really see yourself working (or in your case LIVING) there and then comes the rejection email. Hang in there.

Love the blog btw:)

NYCPonderings Chick said...

awww apartments in nyc are so tough...my friend had a similar situation...just keep going, i found an apartment 5 days before my old lease was up, so just call anyone and everyone you know to see if someone knows someone...i sent out a mass email myself!

lspoon said...

Wow, that's terrible. What kind of email is that anyway? "I bonded more" who tells someone that? False hope is the worst and easiest kind of hope ever.

new york dactyl said...

not sure how permanent you're looking for... but my friend and neighbor might have a room available next month. i think the rent is 900 or something like that... i'll keep you posted.

Rebecca said...

I am the same way. Both in terms of needing "like" and approval from everyone and being perceived as a scary mofo.

Good luck with your search!

JanelleGrace said...

That sucks. Have you thought about living in Brooklyn or Queens? Greenpoint and Williamsburg are nice areas, so is Astoria. I love living over in Greenpoint more than I did in Manhattan (but then again, I was living on the Upper East Side.)

Dolce said...

Fucking, fuck this fucking shit. I love the f-bomb also, so no worries. I'm going to keep my fingers crossed that you find a roommate/apartment. I put a call into my friend, who lives in the meatpacking district, to see if she knows of anyone looking for a roomie.

MsPuddin said...

Oh don’t feel so bad, there has to be a cardboard box you can fit your ass in, I promise…

Jo said...

"but there was one other girl who I bonded with a little more [b]and liked[/b]"

I'm sure there must have been a better way to word that sentence. Either that or the girl might be hot, but she's as subtle as a brick.

lifeintheleftlane said...

Sorry to hear about the apartment drama. But in the end, even thought the place was awesome, would you really want to live with a super skinny model. I wouldn't (especially when I was pigging out on junk food). =)

Good luck! I'm sure you'll find something even better!

Katelin said...

Aw man that is rough, good luck on the house hunt hope it works out for ya soon.

thestoryofagirl said...

Oh wow. Such luck!

Here, I'll throw some good luck your way!

new york dactyl said...

okay so my neib offically has a room available april - june if you want a temporary sublet. if you're at all interested, i'll have him put together the particulars.

jennifer said...

oh god. model's loss. eat some ice cream and get back on your feet, everything happens for a reason and so on.

Princess Pointful said...

Argh. Such frustration. I can't believe she didn't at least tell you there were other serious contenders before pulling out the BFF moves.

ex-tex said...

the sky watches my anguish too!! :)

ashley said...

Well shit. I understand why you're frustrated. Stupid whore. ;)

LBIC said...

Sorry to hear about your apartment woes. Hopefully you'll find something soon. I'm still hoping that my aunt moves out of her rent controlled apartment in the city by the time I move back up there so I can have it.

grooveislife said...

Hey
this sucks and if I was ready to move to NY I would pop right on down there and get a place with you ad odd proposition yes but i like the sound of your self loathing it sounds similar to mine which makes sense because in the end everyone hates the same things about themselves.
I'm a first time reader so check out my blog!
yours rockss!!

Oh...dear me said...

That is fucked up, I hope you find someting, and soon!
Before I moved here from London, my dream was to live in Manhattan(and work) but I thought $2000+ for a studio was too much for my budget in 2004, so I am where I am and fucking hate it!
And the model can kiss your a$$

Birdwatching From Mars said...

wait wait wait wait wait...

Susan Sarandon woulda been your neighbor? That's awesome.

I'll weep (note: drink) for you.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Hey guys! Thanks for all the words of suport, GUESS WHAT?!!!!

I FOUND A PLACE!!! HOLLAAAAAAAAAAAA

Jess said...

Yay you found a place! Yay you!! Congrats!

And also, that girl was dumb so you totally didn't want to live with her anyway.

cdp said...

YAYY!!!!! You're no longer homeless as fuck!


Can I get a whutwhut?

Julie Q said...

omg who says "they think" they really enjoyed meeting you! whatever, i bet they will get rats in their apartment anyways :)

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

WHUT WHUUUUTTT!!!

Anonymous said...

Astoria. 21-38 31st Street. 1/2 block north off the Ditmars N or W train stop. Mary is the super, (she lives in Apt. 1I with her husband Brendan) rent is cheap & it's a 15 minute commute to 59th and Lex. Plus this area of Astoria is cute and VERY safe! Good luck! Come & buzz Mary & she'll be happy to talk with you! My rooommate & I have been here for 2 years & we love love love it!

Spirophita said...

How about being dumped on your birthday by your best friend who has to go to some annoying chick's birthday party?

I've been there, sweetie. And I'm a people-pleaser too who doesn't come across that way.

It's for the best--I think your healthy eating lifestyle would likely be hard for her to watch over time. So really SHE is the selfish bitch.

Ace said...

Hang in there, I know you've found a new apt by now but believe me do I know how tough that hunt and failure can be. As an 18 yo in my first apartment with my best friend I got screwed when she moved out 3 months later and in with her boyfriend who's, and no this is not a joke, name was Bud.

 
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