SEX IS ON THE BRAIN.
Why? Oh, maybe because I'M NOT HAVING ANY.
(Members of the family, don't worry there will be no unexpected new additions, soon, or at this rate; EVER. Sorry to disappoint, it looks as if I shall be a spinster.)
You know what I miss? Men touching the nape of my neck, the secret kisses around corners in public, the weight of another persons body. Remembering I have a fucking pulse. Everytime I turn on the television and I see someone kissing, the long intense kisses, the kisses where you forget to breathe, instead you breathe for eachother because you're so enveloped in each other you're practically one, the depth, the impassioned abandon ....I consider throwing my TV out the window, the image is simply too much for me to handle. And jealously towards fictional characters is a silly emotion...until I realize, real people get to kiss like that too....SO, what's my deal
It's been so long I'm forgetting what it was like to have someone; touch you. Wrap all of their body around you and completely swallow you into them. The scent of a person, the must of their hair and sweat, the feeling of fingertips on your back, lips on lips, or lips on ears, or lips on, anywhere really.
Lacing fingers through one anothers and gripping the tops of their hands. SKIN. I miss skin. The rough parts, the bumps, the chills from breath hitting just the right spots , and everytime someone would tell me how soft mine is (it really is, my whole body is like a a baby's ass, no joke- it's the oily Italian thing I guess) I miss touching the parts that get forgotten when you're alone; shoulders, hips, collarbones, thighs, scalps, the creases of your curves.
As a woman who would be considered attractive, and who prides herself on being a witty conversationalist, a charmer-some would say, a sexy entity if I really put in the effort, and a willing participant in intimacy....there is absolutely no reason why, I shouldn't be just as vampy and active as every fictional woman on television. NO REASON.
So when I whine and people say, "Well, you're too picky...." I want to respond first, with a flick to the forehead and second, with a, "I fucking should be."
Then when they shoot back a salty," You could have a guy right now if you really wanted one...."
I want to respond with a kick to the shin and a, "I'm sorry, you're right I could, but the hoodlum who whispered 'Ey Mami', much too close to my face, while I was walking down 50th, doesn't count. Neither does the cab driver who told me I smelled nice, neither does the married salesman who tricked me into buying two pairs of shoes with his flirtatious abandon, then mentioned his wife. Those characters do not apply. So if you could pick out a decent man that I could dial up to, say, take me on a date and then finish it off with the best night of sex ever, I will give you my entire scarf collection, which is a shitload of wrapping."
So even though I could have raunchy, hair pulling, liqour induced sex with a stranger, who I would probably catch some form of an STD from, I don't feel like taking the risk, or consuming the amount of alcohol necessary to do so.
Maybe it isn't just sex, its intimacy that I miss?
Every time I'm slurping down coffee or eating breakfast alone, and a couple rolls in with "sex-bed hair" and then proceeds to share waffles doused in maple syrup, since hey, he already knows her flaws and what her naked chubby ass looks like, she may as well order french toast....I'm so jealous I want to ask if I can just, trade places, for a day?
I miss text messages from people waiting for me to come home. Not just for sex, but because they genuinely want to see me. I miss having a reason to wear my "cute underwear" and fucking shave my legs. Everytime I see couple that is keeping eachother warm, a pang of jealousy adds to the chill, when I rely on hot beverages and ski masks, I wish I had body heat instead. Yeah, The Rabbit, The Quiver and all their electronic friends will do the trick when it comes to fulfilling the sex void, but the issue; they don't have a motherfucking heartbeat.
Getting to the point where you have "intimacy" takes time, I understand that...but I'd at least like to say I'm at the beginning of SOMETHING, and if takes one INCREDIBLE one night stand (with someone clean) to assist to my patience until I "begin" with someone.....then so be it. Though, that's really not what I want. at all. I want someone to....want me, with all of their inner yearning, with their hands and their mouths, with their strength and their passion, with their words and their daydreams, with their thoughts and their butterflies, their agression and eagerness.... I want to be wanted.