Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Through "thick and thin"
In your twenties people become; disposable. Unintentionally of course.
We're looking for closeness and for our group, for the people that we can spend hours upon hours with on futons clutching cheap beer and catching up on reality television with. Who we can wear our raggedy pajamas around and apply zit cream with, or live in our greasiness with on our days off and occasionally take naps between Food Network episodes with. People we'll then make runs to 7-Eleven for candy bars and sodas with after days of daydreaming. People who will love our souls over anything else. We look for people who will be "our people." Who will grow with us through the beginning of an entry-level position to our first promotion, to our wedding, to our children and then we'll revel together over Tuesday tea when we're old and our husbands and kids have grown or passed. We look for people to make our chosen family, the family that will be even closer than some of those who share our blood. We look for those that will be unconditionally connected through break-ups, evictions, moves, divorces, and self-discovery.
Coffee dates are made, plans that show our "creative side" are written in pencil in already full planners, stories are shared on long olive branches passed over tables of bread baskets and house wine. We are desperate to make the people we introduce ourselves to people that will remain, that will stick. People that will eventually spend the night after too many shots and ask shamelessly to use your toothbrush before they go to work.
The people we plan on sticking rarely do. Its those that we didn't try as hard with that remain, the ones who you allowed patience with, time to grow into one another's company and time to (like a house) build, from the ground up- sharing e-mails, short stories and eventually just becoming, so effortlessly; great friends.
We're figuring it out, finding ourselves, our jobs and the homes and locations we feel comfortable with. One moment someone you love and adore is there and the next, they have completely fallen out of your life. One moment you were holding each other's hearts in your hands and laughing into hours past "bedtime" and the next, you were across the country doing the same thing with someone new.
Holding hearts, sharing and introducing your past into your present, a present that will hopefully lay the foundation for a friendship, in the future.
I've loved so many people. Not in the romantic sense, there's only been one there. But I have loved so many stories, so many hours, so many expressions and tears of so many people I have known, and many of them have accidentally- through time, paths and change, have become virtual strangers. But I have loved them. I have loved knowing secrets and quirks, knowing hopes and plans, I have loved knowing people even for a moment in our quick conversations stumbling through words and awkwardness to find a genuine connection. In a time, in a past and from then until now they will hold a constant period in my life that no one presently or in the future will ever know.... and someday we all do form that endless bond with those that we share Earl Grey with, pictures of grandchildren in blue soccer uniforms and memory lanes. And until then, these people are markers in our life paths of where we have been, who we are becoming and where we eventually go.
Like my friend Ryan, who thought cemeteries were as beautiful as I did, who would take walks with me and sing, so, so beautifully despite his preference to scream awful metal... Who would sit my car and listen to me pour out insecurities over hot coffee and melancholy music, he never judged just listened anyway. The hours I spent with Skyler, writing songs after one Vicodin too many, followed by late night walks down Hollywood Blvd to meet with boy "friends" who we secretly wanted to make out with, hoping the intoxication would make us brave enough to do it. Jenn who ferociously had my back "til the end" even though the end was only a mere six months away, she'd even beg the man on the street corner for a churro when we didn't have the dollar it took to buy one. Ace, who gave me a can opener when I didn't have one and had managed to open my canned peas with a butter knife, who told me guys would get it, "one day" and let me sing songs in his closet recording studio, though never noticed my serious crush that made me stutter every time we spoke. Max, DK, Jon, Asher, Pontus (who was also and incredible kisser), and Doug who all believed in my voice, a voice I don't really use, anymore.
I have worn my heart on my sleeve with so many people, allowing them to accept or reject it. It has been dry, beating and full, tired, knocked around and then handled gently by so many, and I have loved every one of them. The people who are still in my life but are slowly trickling out purely as victim to time change and geographical location, to new circles and new titles, I love them, STILL with my whole entire heart, I love their new lives and that I contributed to them getting there, that I have known their struggles, known their late night puffy eyes, their scents, their scars and their craving for Three Musketeers at 3am.
These people aren't disposable on purpose, they are part of the seasonal friendships that happen in times of change....and that often come back around after stability settles in, strength secures us and something grounds us. This is a tribute to those that have brought me to where I am at, though they may not be here now, and though they may have never known how close I held them. I LOVE THEM.
Who are the people you have loved, that have changed or molded you? who would you say "thank you" to and who still holds a time period that know one else will know???