Monday, March 31, 2008

WEDDINGS MAKE ME CRY LIKE A BABY

I caught the bouquet.

Yes, that's right and as the tale would have it, I'm apparently "next." If someone could tell me where that silly tradition came from that would be FANtastic, Lord knows I don't have a date in sight that is leading to potential marriage, hell naw. (HOWEVER, there is a dude sketching me, like drawing my face- across the room at a coffee shop, who is quite pretty. And yes, I feel completely uncomfortable since he's studying my face and I'm acting like I don't notice.)

I was a bridesmaid this past weekend in OKLAHOMA, where the winds go sweeping down the plains, where everyone rocks "the bob" haircut, where OU and Boomer Sooner (or something) is almost as important as their relationship with their Lord and Savior and where my taxicab driver had a banjo sitting on his lap. BANJO'S SAY, "You're not in New York anymore little lady...."

It's also where one of my best friends is living and getting married....see what we do for love, we move from Los Angeles to Tulsa, wow- love must be good.

Needless to say the wedding was beautiful, there was a beach/seashell theme (California girls never let go of their love for the beach), traditional church ceremony and the bride and bridesmaids were all devilishly attractive. The groom was pretty sexsamatastic as well (High five Kris) is it a sin to say people were so hot, it must have something to do with the Devil? Hope not, cause I've already done my fair share of sinning and I'm pretty sure I threw around politically incorrect statements left and right the WHOLE time I was there and definitely said fuck/bitch/balls/can I have a drink?, all while in church. Can I fly first class on my jet to hell?? I'm putting in my order.

And even though I was in Oklahoma, singing The Lord's Prayer (that's right.) I still wore fake eyelashes and tried to look as much like Kardashian as possible, have I mentioned before that the Kardashian sisters are my make-up inspiration because they are so fucking full out? FULL OUT, ALL THE TIME. That shit is inspiration, screw meditation and the beauty of a flower, or love- women taking two or more hours a day to do their hair, make-up, and dress like a super babe in heels while running from paparazzi, or tackling their hot step-brother in a "brother/sister" brawl, is inspiration. Plus, I'd like to tackle Brody Jenner in heels, so call them my muse'. I sometimes wonder when my next paycheck is for getting ready in the morning and bathing is gonna arrive, cause it's work damnit.

I've always wanted to be one of those naturally beautiful babes who rocks the no-makeup look like it's the new black. No blackheads, no oil (and yes my face gets like a straight Olive Oil factory, I'm Italian, lotion isn't even necessary it's purely vanity.) no blemishes, who the fuck are you people?! You are blessed is what you are. "Drink more water" they say....uh, I've been pissing off environmentalists and water conservation groups for years I consume that much water. Maybe chocolate really does clog pores, considering I could almost be a spokeswoman for Hershey's. Which leads me to another mission besides meeting my husband; eating more protein. I got a lashing from my mother this weekend over my lack of meat-y intake....ha. Which, is actually, not all that off from my original mission.

I digress. This is all about "the bouquet"...how I caught it, and how I'm destined to be married.... and yes, I was questioning it before, so no, this isn't a "given."
Is anything a GIVEN? That's such an interesting saying.

The truth is, I DOVE for the bouquet...like I was part of Oklahoma's All Girl RUGBY team, I risked tearing my dress, breaking an ankle and flashing my SPANX (which I LOVE by the way) to all of the guests, just so I can see if it actually works....

I dove for the bouquet because of the look on my friends face when she was holding eye contact walking down the aisle towards her husband to be.
I dove for the bouquet because I want a perma-grin. I dove for the bouquet because I'd like to have a yard one day and yard's aren't all that necessary for single people, unless I had a dog and I'm just not a dog person.

I dove for bouquet because I love LOVE. I dove for the bouquet because I at the end of a shitty day I'd like to have someone to help me take my mind off of it. I dove for the bouquet because I want to not look at anyone in the room but him. I dove because I want to like "his team", I want to have someone to fly with since I hate flying but I love traveling....I dove for the DAMN bouquet because if there is a chance, even a small chance that "it works" I'll take it.

I dove because I love alone, but I don't love lonely.

When my "friend" passed through town this past weekend and he was staying with me for the weekend, he IMed me a few days later and said,

"Just one question, if we went out for drinks and then you let me come back to your place....why didn't you sleep with me?"

UH. BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO. Is this what men always expect? And is this the reason that I won't find a boyfriend or is this the reason I'm so hesitant to start dating someone because of expectations like this, and then the obligation that follow. AND for the record he didn't BUY me drinks, if that changes anything in the minds of you men.


I DOVE FOR THE BOUQUET BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH THINGS LIKE THAT ANYMORE.

I want to be as drunkenly in love and happy as my friend is (pictures to follow)...

Would you dive for the bouquet, and what for...? Or is the whole "marriage thing" not for you?

72 comments:

Sizzle said...

As much as I love LOVE, I don't think marriage is for me. I like the idea of marriage but actual marriage? It just seems to change people and I have seen too many relationships fall apart upon marriage. So for me? I think shacking up is in the cards.

But that doesn't mean I wouldn't dive for the bouquet. . .it just means I like winning. :)

Arielle said...

Whoa man are marriages not my thing. I'm going to a few weddings in the coming months and good lord do I plan to avoid the bouquet like the plague. I don't even want to stand there with all the unmarried women in the event that the bouquet has a radar for people like me and torpedoes at my unopen arms. Though in fairness I do have a boyfriend so at least I have the lack-of-loneliness thing covered, I'm just not ready for the matrimony part. But this is NYC and there are plenty of eligible bachelors so maybe yours will show up soon. =)

Ben said...

Presumably, I'm not allowed to dive for the bouquet but given your motives, I back you 100%.

Now that that's out of the way, I'd like to laugh at the sketchy sketcher from the coffee shop who is probably so convinced that by doing something deemed a romantic gesture in movies, he'll totally bag a babe.

Little does he know that it crosses WAY too many boundaries when done in real life.

1218Blog said...

I am in love with love but maybe not so much marriage. I think you can be in a long loving healthy relationship without being married. But who am I to talk I just broke up with my boyfriend of 12 years. I definitely would of dove for the bouquet because I love bouquets and the thought of happily ever after, not that you need marriage for happily ever after.

tiedtogetherwithasmile said...

I love the idea of marriage and having someone on your team. The thought of getting to face the world with a partner as opposed to solo is very appealing to me. Alas, I'm convinced that the type of love I'm looking for is only found in movies. I would dive for the bouquet for a chance at that... and to not worry about weeding through the masses of creepers to find a Mr. Right.

But if my boyfriend asks.. No, the bouquet is silly. I would not do that. :)

~Angela~ said...

Congratulations on the bouquet catch. Reading that you "dove" for it reminded me of the final scene from the movie "Clueless". I hope it was equally as spectacular an achievement. :)

Princess of the Universe said...

I like to think that I'm far too cool to dive. But I would love to catch it all the same.

Katelin said...

i can just imagine you diving for the bouquet like the girls in clueless, haha, priceless.

i don't know if i would dive for it per say, but i would make a pretty solid attempt.

ablogofherown.wordpress.com said...

"I got a lashing from my mother this weekend over my lack of meat-y intake....ha. Which, is actually, not all that off from my original mission."

For serious, I about choked on my chocolate. You're hilarious.

As for me, I agree with sizzle. I love love. I love the idea of the commitment of marriage. I love any excuse to get jewelry, a fancy dress and a crazy party with my besties. I'd be perfectly happy with a huge ass reception sans ceremony or legal bullshit.

The actual "marriage" with certificates and tax brackets..not so much.

But as a member of the cult which is my huge irish catholic family. I'll be tying a celtic knot one day i'm sure.

As for the dude who can't seem to buy a clue about how to interact with females of the species...nope. I got nothing. Just the collective sigh of the intelligent Y-chromosome-less population, shaking their heads.

Felix for Zosia said...

The last wedding I went to was populated by strong, independent, forthright, sexy chicks who all SHRUNK BACK from the bouquet (and I was one of them)- hilarious!

distractedspunk said...

"I dove because I love alone, but I don't love lonely."

Not enough people understand this concept, I'm afraid.

When my close friend got married this summer, instead of letting myself get dragged onto the floor to wait for the bouquet, I stood staunchly by the door with all the guys, content to just take pictures and watch.

It's not that I don't love love. It's hard enough for me to realize that yeah, I can love someone, let alone think about committing to one person for the rest of my life. But I'll always love watching how they look when they take their first dance, or do something in a quiet moment when people aren't looking.

Great post, Chelsea. As usual, a pleasure to read.

Ashley said...

I loved that you said all of that in church, shit, fuck, damn..balls! I got told I am not a girlie girl because of how I speak, I would like to think this is a cultural difference because the guy that told me is from Spain. I am a girlie girl, I love make-up, clothes, shopping...etc. So if I speak a little crazy, who cares!

I would dive for the bouquet because I want someone to love me for me. Someone to love me for all of my imperfections and also perfections. I may not have the nicest body but I will give anything for the people I love and care for. Somehow, I think that same exact trait is what catches me in the FUCKING friend zone...ahhh!

Felicia said...

Marriage is a farce, and I avoid the bouqet like the plague. This is probably because I'm most likely found at the bar or passed out at any wedding I attend.

Camels & Chocolate said...

I haven't yet decided if I even want to get married. But I get the whole not wanting to be alone thing, that's why after two difficult years of long distance, I was not letting SVV go!

Miss Adventurous said...

Baby, don't get me wrong, I love love, but I just dove AWAY from marriage (like I was on a rugby team - that had me rolling around giggling!). Ain't nothin' gonna tie me down to no man. No way, no how. Although infatuation is just to die for!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Oh girls, it was JUST like "Clueless"

and I have to say, in defense to ym love for marriage...my mom and dad are still happily and very in love and MARRIED. I have very, very high ideals because of them and I realize that it doesn't always work out this way...

Jess said...

I am engaged, so I'd say it's pretty clear that I think the whole marriage thing is for me. And I think this post is beautiful. And I am so looking forward to that long moment of eye contact down the aisle.

But I don't plan to throw the bouquet at my wedding. I know there are so many people who don't think marriage is for them. And I don't want to imply that I've finally fulfilled my life goal and now I'm passing the torch onto the next girl to fulfill hers.

Not that that's what that was for you. But it can be, for some people. So I'm skipping it.

Renee said...

I'm "verbally engaged" (aka too cheap for a ring) so yeah, marriage is my thing... and apparently young marriage is also my thing, but it was never my plan. That's the thing, the best "things" are the things you don't expect. But you know I'll be diving for every bouquet I see just to light a fire under the beau's ass.

I dive for compatibility. And the way he makes me laugh.

Mike said...

I'm the best man at my friends wedding this July.

Yesterday I learned that it isn't the best man who wears the garter and throws it.

I'm so relieved.

I also have a lot to learn about weddings, apparently.

Angela said...

Lol, I love at the beginning of your post you sounded a little angry about getting the bouquet, but then you actually turn around and say that you dove for it! I love that. I want to catch the bouquet some day!

kilax said...

I think the problem with some marriage sis that people get married and realize they don't work - but they feel too guilty to leave. Then they just live unhappy lives.

I am married, but I am realistic. I know people change. I hope we don't, but I know it's a possibility.

Surfergrrl said...

I'd like to get married someday, but I really, REALLY hate weddings...unless they are destination weddings...but not to Oklahoma. I've been there. Nuff said. :)

Mel said...

I would totally dive for it at this point. Maybe its b/c I am in love and I really want to get married and all that good stuff.

Lisa said...

Never dove for any bouquets. And the marriage thing just didn't work out (except for the wonderful little man I have living down the hall from me). Just think of it as leaving more bouquets for you to dive for. I'm nice that way!

Meeks said...

Love this post and love that you dove for what you want. I've yet to participate in the bouquet catch but I'm getting close. And I, like you, have still married-in love parents and want nothing less. Here's hoping and knowing what we want, girlfriend!!!

Meeks said...

OH and the "Ilove alone but don't love lonely" sentiment...THANK YOU.

nicoleantoinette said...

Take me with you on that jet to hell, please.

glamorous152 said...

Whhhaaat in the world is Boomer Sooner and OU?

and I too want marriage and love and allll that. I want someone I WANT to see everyday that I WANT to wake up next to, I want someone I WANT to fight with because I know it doesn't mean anything, I want someone who loves me for me and not anything else. etc etc.

poodlegoose said...

No diving for me. I always stand in the back away from the crazies and behind the tall girls.

And I'm getting married in October.

I think that if you want to find love this badly, you'll find it. Most of the time, however, it comes when you're not looking. When you've found that you are just as happy by yourself. So, your statement of loving alone but not loving lonely? Spot on. I hope you find someone great.

I mean, you do have the bouquet, after all.

bloggingbarbie said...

"The truth is, I DOVE for the bouquet...like I was part of Oklahoma's All Girl RUGBY team, I risked tearing my dress, breaking an ankle and flashing my SPANX (which I LOVE by the way) to all of the guests, just so I can see if it actually works...."



this had me laughing out loud.

and for the record, i would do the same damn thing.

Playful Professional said...

I'm actually married and LOVE it. I highly recommend it to anyone that wants all of the things you talked about. It really just makes everything better when you know you always have someone to do them with. What I do not recommend is marrying someone that is law school because you kind of lose out of the whole marriage thing since they have to be married to school to three years. Either way hope it works for you!

Playful Professional said...

I'm a comma. We should be friends!!

jessica maria said...

LOL @ "there is a guy sketching me..." - because I totally thought you were going for some sort of "sketchy dude" slang.

Also, my boyfriend caught the garter last year at a wedding and now we're engaged. JUST SAYIN.

I, too, have high ideals for marriage (just as you stated in a comment above) as my parents are very happily married, but I've definitely found The One. It's all a matter of timing.

(PS added you to my blogger rollllll xo)

Kelly said...

I probably wouldn't dive, but I've also been told that I fail miserably in the "being a normal girl" department.

Michelle & the City said...

i would totally dive.

i LOVE love. :)

lspoon said...

I actually stayed as far away from bouquet tosses as possible when I was single. I think I'm too girly to wrestle other girls for a bouquet that will die in a couple of days...

A Margarita said...

I would have gotten physical to grab that thing :)

Good job!

Hex said...

The Groom never seems to like it when you dive for the garter -- especially when the bride is still wearing it.

..But I've done it.

Then again I can't stand weddings, so anything I can do to try to make it more fun is cool with me.

ChasingParadise said...

Reading this post made me wonder -- perhaps I should have stayed longer at my friend's wedding to actually see her toss the bouquet. Perhaps if I caught it, I'd at least be engaged by now. So to answer your question -- yes, I'd dive, and I'd close my eyes and pray that it would finally start happening for me. I'm dying to marry my boyfriend!

A Lil' Irish Lass said...

"I dove because I love alone, but I don't love lonely."

Amen to that.

Dolce said...

"Why didn't we have sex?" I want to kill this guy. Just because you invite a guy over does not mean sex.

Stupid men and their expectations.

As for weddings, I've been to 29 weddings in the last 5 years. Count 'em - TWENTY NINE. 4 have ended in divorce already. The first 10 or so were heavenly, not they've become a weekend burden, especially the extended family ones.

Cheers for catching the bouquet.

JD said...

I know that being a guy, I am in the minority of the readers of this blog. Let me first say that I too am embarrassed by the guy who expected "payback" for a friendly night out. There are MANY MANY men who are not like this. The problem with guys like that is that they are that way because it generally works. So hurray to all you women who tell him the shut the hell up.

Now onto marriage. I have been happily married for 3 years now, and find it exhilarating. I think much of marriage expectation comes from parents, and like Chelsea I have a great example to live up to, as my parents have been married going on 30 years. I think that finding the right person is almost random, it just happens one day. I stopped trying to find the perfect woman, and then she found me. I appreciate your effort with the bouquet, but if it is meant to happen it will.

Also, to all of you women who are decisively anti-marriage...just wait. When the right guy comes along, all the sudden you will be buying the wedding planning book along with everyone else.

Mel Heth said...

I've been a bridesmaid 7 times. SEVEN. I've caught the bouquet 3 times. I used to dive for it. But I've lost faith in its magic "you're next" bouquet juju.

Now I have faith in the fact that I finally know what I want in a man - so if the bouquet can't track him down, at least I can. Chelsea just make sure you're clear on who you're looking for (make a list or write a story about him!) and you'll find him. Promise.

hookerbaby said...

"why didn't you sleep with me?"

.....seriously?!?!

i dunno, i have a hard time believing that two people can love each other in the same way and maintain the same kind of relationship forever...but i don't think that means the love is any less real, or desirable.....

just....maleable, and changeable, and marriage is...not.

Lauren said...

I agree with you 100%. I love love. I'd love to experiece it one day full--with the white (or ivory, it matches my skin better) dress, the flowers, and everything. I hope it does work for you. Maybe I should dive at the next wedding i go to--it couldn't hurt.

My favorite part of a wedding is watching the groom. I love how he looks--how he smiles when she walks down the isle and, like you said, they never lose eye contact. It's absolutely adorable.

pessimisticredhead said...

I fully intend to dive for the bouquet at the wedding I'm going to this summer. I found HIM; I can't wait for him to be my family and THAT is why I will risk going all Clueless in front of strangers.

Congrats on the catch.

Rebecca said...

I never waited for the bouquet, I just dove right in! It is great.

Sipwine said...

I want that, and at the same time I'm terrified I'm going to marry the wrong man.

Because I've had so many wrong relationships that I've pretended to be happy in. I'm good at fooling myself.

fort knocks said...

I think this is the best thing you've ever written. Heck, might even be the best thing I've ever read.

The Proclaimers "Let's Get Married" was playing in my head the whole time.

Chrissie said...

I FOUGHT FOR IT TOO!

Love this! As a 'wedding hater' myself, I was clawing away for my own piece of the bouquet action last summer at my sister's wedding.

I thought it was BS, I thought I'd be single forever... and now... not so much.

Since the "bouquet catching" I've met Mr. Wonderful and the guy who caught the garter at that same wedding just so happens to be engaged now...

SO who knows, maybe it isn't folklore after all:P

Leslie said...

I've been married for a little over 14 years. We have a 7 year old daughter. I miss being single sometimes, but it's usually a whim that is fleeting and I wouldn't change a thing.

Except, of course, I wish he'd hurry up and hatch that fucking golden egg already.

The Dutchess of Kickball said...

I would so dive for that mf bouquet for
someone to hold me when I'm upset
someone to get my humor
someone to help me pay the bills

Meghan said...

I don't dive for the boquet I full on football tackle and take other women OUT for it. But it's cause I'm competitive not cause I want marriage:P

Congrats on catching it, it sounds like a beautiful wedding

Chardsy said...

My ex roomie went to OU. She was crazy enough to get an "OU" tatoo on her back, the funny thing is, she never graduated from there. Hahaha!

Sister Libby said...

Weddings are great, until you realize that your sixteen, and people just laugh when you catch the bouquet.

NYCPonderings Chick said...

awww i love weddings, im so happy you caught it!...weddings can make you see love for what it really is :)

ashley said...

I too will be diving for a bouquet in about two months. Wish me luck. ;)

Ace said...

Marriage scares the ever loving shit out of me. If thats what other people are into then good for them but I've known for a long time that that whole binding commitment to the law is not my style. Relationships I'm fine with, I love my boyfriend, but the thought of "tying the knot"(how binding does that sound?) is way too much for me

just me said...

People with perfect skin piss me off.


And I'll marry you.
It'll be an all-girl wedding, and instead of bouquets, we'll have male strippers.

Sounds like my kind of wedding.

Alya said...

I cant wait to get married! I think the promises you make to each other to bind you together, and to feel in your heart that you want to grow old with this guy, is the most romantic thing ever.

People make a big deal about it, like its going to change your relationship, or it never works out. Thats the way with all relationships, there's always a chance that its not going to work out. But that doesnt mean you shouldnt try!

Marie said...

Awesome post. Loved reading it. And yes, I have caught the bouquet before. But God not intentionally. It was last year in Colorado at my friends' wedding. She asked me to get in with the other girls, tossed the thing and it came flying my way. I kid you not. I caught it and then...dropped it. I swear. All the girls pointed at me and said, "it's yours Marie!" "Ah crap" I thought to myself. First time I ever caught a bouquet. You won't believe this but two months later, I went out on my first date with my now boyfriend. Not saying it was because of the bouquet, just a funny coincedence. Go figure, right? Oh and p.s., I'm not ready to get married myself, but I'm not ruling it out either. Just taking life one day at a time.

readsalot said...

I didn't dive for the bouquet. A girl to my right did and she knocked it into my chest. All I did was put up my arms to catch the thing that had just smacked me. I had been dating someone who I really liked, well, we had just said "I love you" so I guess it was more than like. A month and a half later we were engaged. Thirteen months after that we were married. We've been married now for two and a half months and the only thing that has changed is that out money lives in the same account so we have to be more thoughtful about what we spend it on. Other than that, it is the same wonderful time that we had before, without the stress of planning a wedding.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

fort knocks- Thank you So much!!

NicoleAntoinette- first class baby.

Mel heth- thats a great idea, I'll do it right NOW.

The rest of you all THANK YOU for sharing your stories and its always interesting to hear who would and wouldn't dive for the thing.... :)

xox

Alexis said...

I would dive so I could be the one that's happy at the end of a Jane Austen novel.
Be the one that makes him everything he wants to be.

So I could have my wedding and play the list of songs my mom cringes about (i.e. I'm so using "Make Me Better" by Fabulous and Ne Yo). Be the sag in his swag and the pimp in his step.

I want to make a home and be comfortable cuddling up next to him on the sofa in pajama pants to watch Lost.

And all the reasons you just said...etc. ;)

Love you, Chelsea. If I were a man I'd be chasing you down to marry me.

Alexis said...

Oh, and the "I love alone, but not lonely" quote? I'm totally using that later...

Kassie said...

I don't know anyone that dives for a bouquet. I usually see people spread out so that it can plop on the floor.. that really happened at my friend's wedding. She got married ridiculously too young and we were all thinking, "WE ARE SO NOT INTO THIS!"

Anyway, I've been hearing a lot of good things about SPANX. I must check them out.

You are a great writer, by the way. I just found your blog and I will keep coming back! :)

DJSassafrass said...

I give you props for diving for the bouquet. Every wedding I have been at I try to be in the restroom at bouquet toss time, but someone always tracks me down. Just because I'm not married, doesn't mean that I'm unhappy. I hate that single gals get put on spectacle like that...like people should feel bad because I still hold my own last name.
I love my BF and we live together. If we get married, cool. If not, cool. Everyone has a different version of love.

Moxie said...

I recently caught a bouquet myself, after playing a 27 year old "floral maiden" with my best friend--most of the family thought we were gay, so that's cool. It was a real Sex in the City moment, and I almost let it drop at my feet...but I reached out and let it fall into my hands.

My BF went through a bitter divorce about 5 years ago and doesn't know about taking that trip down the aisle again. Still, he wants kids, and no "bastardy" ones. Whatever. If it happens, if he asks...I won't mind being princess for a day and getting presents.

devon said...

Have been twice UNengaged, I must admit that I am on a permanent ban from diving for anyone's bouquet. I really just have to stand back and let others have their bouquet-catching glory moment.

However, if a tall, broad-shouldered, funny, smart, fabulously employed, and equally fabulous in bed, man did come along and sweet me off my feet, then I would definitely rethink my bouquet catching ban.

Anyone know of such a guy? I like them big and broad. :)

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

I'm with Devon

Katherine said...

I'd dive. A few months ago I wouldn't have, but I've become optimistic and happy to the extent that it probably annoys other people since I've been dating my current (and, I hope, last) boyfriend. I want that bouquet so I know I'll have him around forever. Scary...but not in the way I thought it would be.

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