Tuesday, April 8, 2008
I'll start AND finish with the appetizer.
I abide by my expiration dates. Everything I do has a shelf life. I'm not a damn twinkie.
I don't know, maybe it's the Sagittarius in me, so I can easily blame it on the stars and the planets. Maybe astrology is responsible for why I mentally put an expiration date on everything that I begin, everyone I meet and everything I scribble down onto a list of goals. The list is long, so dating it only makes sense.
Most people get into a habitual pattern of sameness and what they do never expires. I am aware and completely comfortable with the fact that I am indeed FICKLE. I learn QUICKLY, I observe even more quickly and I can evaluate whether a situation (or a person) is going to be beneficial or worth it in the long run of my, "life plan." Which either makes me a terribly difficult person, or a fucking genius. I stop ingesting things into my life when they have gone stale.
I don't call back if I know it's a waste of time. I don't nod yes to a date #2 if I know I'll be counting how many people are wearing red in the restaurant while he divulges his family dramas or I'll be counting down the seconds while he kisses me for it to end. I don't waste my time because I don't know how much of it I have, so I'd rather use it wisely.
I have become a "one serving" person. The first course. An Anti pasta. Or no, I'm the second since that has more meat to it. The first course is always a fucking tease, that leaves you licking pieces of salt off of a tiny plate like a rabid animal. I give someone just enough, I convince someone JUST ENOUGH and get them all excited and what not, and then.....I flee. I begin, I ace the test and then I'm uninterested in what I was taking the test for. Call me a true product of the Sesame Street generation- 2 minute clips will suffice.
After round one, I have already made up my mind. And maybe that is precisely the problem, I am already a closed book before course #2, #3 and...dessert comes along.
I live by impulse. When my mind becomes aware to another opportunity, I am on it like white on mother fucking rice and I forget where I even began in the first place.
I am so content with people in my past, and the promises in my future that presently I tend get caught up in where I'm going before I can be where I'm already at.
I have become a "dab'll do ya" person because the things in my life have not lived up to their expectations, so I seek MORE. And is expectation the problem? I'm a list maker, a goal maker, I have a plan on how I spend my OFF days. The puritan values that Americans live by that make us feel guilty over indulgence, or make us feel like "good" is bad, has never stuck with me however- if anything I've taken such an opposite approach that I've given the big finger to all things carbon copy. I've said fuck off to 9-5, I've said screw sitting through another dinner an acting interested and I've stamped a BIG FAT "ceases on" this day stamp on EVERYTHING. I've said "fuck off" to so many things I'm an official fucker and sadly only figuratively speaking.
So far I do really well with everything for about three months and then the panic attacks start to set in and I'm ready to elope.
I am fully responsible for rebuffing security because security has only meant boredom to me in the past.
If you relate my seemingly neurotic sense back to the fact that we ARE animals, it actually makes sense. I follow the seasons, I'm in tune with the cycles. Isn't that part of what contributes to our depression in the first place? Is feeling as if we have no freedom to follow our instincts? Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, Schedules, etc. all numb us out just enough to COPE. To cope with the fact that we don't know how to follow our GUT, or "listen to our hearts," or understand timing and sense danger or feel chemistry most of the time. So much of our time is spent out of sync, that we've learned to live in the discomfort.
The best things in life have an expiration date: Fruit- bananas bruise, strawberries shrivel, apples turn to mush. Veggies- Have you ever tasted rotten broccoli? Holy hell if I've ever experienced it. Meat- Animals live, then they die, then they stay fresh only for so long before WE die if we ingest it. The seasons- Our bodies prepare for that change, we hibernate, we bundle up, we feast and we relax. Season renew the parts of our lives that feel stagnant.
So the best things in life BEGIN and THEY END. That is where WE have be aware of when things have started going sour.....For me, it's about every three months.
The Question is, if living in this way may be healthy, is it truly realistic with the standards of the modernized world? Probably not. So call me a fucker, or a job hopper or perpetually dissatisfied, all of those; I am not.
I am a seeker. I seek the newness, the high of feeding off energy from change and drinking in AS MUCH as possible and adding as many chapters as possible in this life....that DOES expire.
What are you doing or who do you know in your life that is FAR past its expiration date???