Fuckin' balls. I don't know why, just because.
Don't you wish you could blame everything on "gangsta rap."
Like, "oh yeah....that bill? I couldn't pay that one. Gangsta rap made me do it. "
Those rappers are really onto something there. Gangsta rap is the the new, "My dog ate my homework." Gangsta rap is the new "traffic" excuse. Gangsta rap is the new "It wasn't me." I happen to be a serious fan of ultimate denial...."It was NOT me." Blaming gangsta rap is the new "flat tire." or "vertigo." (one of my favorites that I keep in my back pocket for rainy days) Gangsta rap is a snow day. Brilliant. I'd like to be completely unaccountable for all of the shit that I've done in the past. Especially that, that was/is? detrimental.
I'm pretty sure that most people would like to blame Gangsta Rap, for instance;
*Eliot Spitzer, he was all about some hooker action and I think he'd like to take NO RESPONSIBILITY for it. It's the pimps fault. Or the the mafia (we can blame the mafia too, since they're the OG of all things gangsta inspired.)
*Bill Clinton, blow jobs at work are either raunchy or are they gangstaaa?
*I'm sure Britney Spears would like to blame that whole head-shaving fiasco on the hoodlums, they definitely had something do with those dice tattooed on her wrist. Oh wait, maybe that was Kevin? Which is one and the same, or so he'd like to think.
*Fergie should definitely take NO responsibility for doing a front walk over in leather pants on American Idol's "Big Give" last night, from what I know of leather garments, there was no give in those suckers. Fuckin leather pants?? Can someone check to see if she's packing a stash, she's lost her damn brain.
On a more personal note, I would like to take a moment to blame Gangsta Rap for the following actions I have taken;
1. The various times I have responded to a relative, employers, cashiers etc. with "Word." Instead of yes, or thank you.
2. The time I broke into my house. At least it was mine.
3. For my affinity for greenery. Legalize it.
4. For not calling or returning calls to most men who hit on me: the guy from Utah who gave me his card- sorry bro, all of the dudes I have talked to on planes (and I travel a lot), Mammound, you're in my cell phone but I have no recollection of meeting you? The guy from Starbucks who let me listen to his ipod, and all of those who I've lost interest in, after a single conversation. You know who you are- it's not you it's me and my inner pimp. Actually, I'm still wounded and I'm sure the "inflicter" would blame his FUCKING UP MY MIND, (temporarily, we hope) on gangsta rap so, I'll let it slide.
5. For bartering with a street vendor on the cost of a churro. from $1 to fifty cents.
6. The time I drunkenly tried to convince my mother that Mcdonalds in Oklahoma would deliver, "Ma, they'll delliverr, caush if youuu lived here, you'd be WAITING to get out, MA- I'd even tell 'em I'll promote their businesss if they deliver. Give me the phone. It'll be the best day of their life."
7. The copious amount of white eye liner I wore in 7th grade.
8. The time I threw a party in high school while the 'rents were out of town, and til this day there are stains on my ceiling from people shotgunning beers in my kitchen. Classy.
9. For the crush on my 8th grade math teacher. Mr. Cisna if you're out there- holla.
10. The time I gave someone a sympathy kiss.
11. The nickname "C. Giggly" that's right- Night at the Apollo. you. don't. even. know. I'm coming with some fresh rap talent. With a crumping dance break. Stand up.
12. Parking in the handicap spot with an expired sticker my Granny jacked for me.
13. Road rage. Which has turned into "Walk rage" down NYC streets. My pace is on fire.
I'd like to blame gangsta rap for my secret desire to want to evade paying my taxes, for making me press the snooze button more than three times, for forgetting birthdays, and for picking at my cuticles. I'd like gangsta rap to justify my neurosis, my sailor's mouth and my urge to spend my non-money on things like candles and tapestry's.
Gangsta rap is responsible for sticking my foot in my mouth, thinking not all babies are cute, liking Shayne from The Bachelor, judging people who wear Crocs (even if they are comfortable), and for thinking I'm always right.
So from now on all of my mishaps, overdrawn fees, cravings for chocolate bars dipped in peanut butter, "running late", and hang overs. Are due to, gansta rap. Which is a better excuse than, "My parole officer said..."
What would you like to use Gangsta rap as an excuse for?