Thursday, April 10, 2008

"Use yo brain not a gat"

Fuckin' balls. I don't know why, just because.

Don't you wish you could blame everything on "gangsta rap."

Like, "oh yeah....that bill? I couldn't pay that one. Gangsta rap made me do it. "

Those rappers are really onto something there. Gangsta rap is the the new, "My dog ate my homework." Gangsta rap is the new "traffic" excuse. Gangsta rap is the new "It wasn't me." I happen to be a serious fan of ultimate denial...."It was NOT me." Blaming gangsta rap is the new "flat tire." or "vertigo." (one of my favorites that I keep in my back pocket for rainy days) Gangsta rap is a snow day. Brilliant. I'd like to be completely unaccountable for all of the shit that I've done in the past. Especially that, that was/is? detrimental.

I'm pretty sure that most people would like to blame Gangsta Rap, for instance;

*Eliot Spitzer, he was all about some hooker action and I think he'd like to take NO RESPONSIBILITY for it. It's the pimps fault. Or the the mafia (we can blame the mafia too, since they're the OG of all things gangsta inspired.)
*Bill Clinton, blow jobs at work are either raunchy or are they gangstaaa?
*I'm sure Britney Spears would like to blame that whole head-shaving fiasco on the hoodlums, they definitely had something do with those dice tattooed on her wrist. Oh wait, maybe that was Kevin? Which is one and the same, or so he'd like to think.
*Fergie should definitely take NO responsibility for doing a front walk over in leather pants on American Idol's "Big Give" last night, from what I know of leather garments, there was no give in those suckers. Fuckin leather pants?? Can someone check to see if she's packing a stash, she's lost her damn brain.

On a more personal note, I would like to take a moment to blame Gangsta Rap for the following actions I have taken;

1. The various times I have responded to a relative, employers, cashiers etc. with "Word." Instead of yes, or thank you.

2. The time I broke into my house. At least it was mine.

3. For my affinity for greenery. Legalize it.

4. For not calling or returning calls to most men who hit on me: the guy from Utah who gave me his card- sorry bro, all of the dudes I have talked to on planes (and I travel a lot), Mammound, you're in my cell phone but I have no recollection of meeting you? The guy from Starbucks who let me listen to his ipod, and all of those who I've lost interest in, after a single conversation. You know who you are- it's not you it's me and my inner pimp. Actually, I'm still wounded and I'm sure the "inflicter" would blame his FUCKING UP MY MIND, (temporarily, we hope) on gangsta rap so, I'll let it slide.

5. For bartering with a street vendor on the cost of a churro. from $1 to fifty cents.

6. The time I drunkenly tried to convince my mother that Mcdonalds in Oklahoma would deliver, "Ma, they'll delliverr, caush if youuu lived here, you'd be WAITING to get out, MA- I'd even tell 'em I'll promote their businesss if they deliver. Give me the phone. It'll be the best day of their life."

7. The copious amount of white eye liner I wore in 7th grade.

8. The time I threw a party in high school while the 'rents were out of town, and til this day there are stains on my ceiling from people shotgunning beers in my kitchen. Classy.

9. For the crush on my 8th grade math teacher. Mr. Cisna if you're out there- holla.

10. The time I gave someone a sympathy kiss.

11. The nickname "C. Giggly" that's right- Night at the Apollo. you. don't. even. know. I'm coming with some fresh rap talent. With a crumping dance break. Stand up.

12. Parking in the handicap spot with an expired sticker my Granny jacked for me.

13. Road rage. Which has turned into "Walk rage" down NYC streets. My pace is on fire.

I'd like to blame gangsta rap for my secret desire to want to evade paying my taxes, for making me press the snooze button more than three times, for forgetting birthdays, and for picking at my cuticles. I'd like gangsta rap to justify my neurosis, my sailor's mouth and my urge to spend my non-money on things like candles and tapestry's.
Gangsta rap is responsible for sticking my foot in my mouth, thinking not all babies are cute, liking Shayne from The Bachelor, judging people who wear Crocs (even if they are comfortable), and for thinking I'm always right.

So from now on all of my mishaps, overdrawn fees, cravings for chocolate bars dipped in peanut butter, "running late", and hang overs. Are due to, gansta rap. Which is a better excuse than, "My parole officer said..."

What would you like to use Gangsta rap as an excuse for?

50 comments:

fort knocks said...

Mr. Cisna here - all I can say is... Word.

p.s. damn you for liking (lyking?) Shayne; I thought I was original.

Cara said...

I blame gansta rap for the strange stalker cat that keeps coming into my home to piss everywhere and eat my cat's food.

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

I blame gangsta rap for the fact I want to spend all day in bed, and then not bother with work again on Monday. Fiddy cent made me do it.

lizziebelle said...

i love shayne. she had me when she said that if your bag, your watch and your sunglasses are hot it doesnt matter what you wear.

plus her highlights make my life.

Alexa said...

oh lord, white eye liner!

i would like to blame gangsta rap for the fact that i forgot my umbrella on my kitchen counter this morning.

i would also like to blame gangsta rap on my now flat hair.

boo.

Ben said...

I blame gangsta rap for my inappropriate and overuse of "Bitch, please."

Sizzle said...

This post is cracking my shit up. HA!

I loved this in particular: "For the crush on my 8th grade math teacher. Mr. Cisna if you're out there- holla."

HOLLA!

Malice Blackheart said...

I blame gangsta rap for Vanilla Ice. And pedophile beards. And those vending machines in Japan that dispense underpants.

sequined said...

I credit Gangsta rap with my unnecessary preoccupation with the rivalry between the bloods and the crips (actual Sequined quote before a party once in college: "If you wear red, I will not talk to you; Bloods wear red."), for my wardrobe in high school, and for my secret dream of being the token white girl in a Snoop Dogg video someday. I also credit Gangsta rap with all the fun I've ever had out at clubs, because techno is less slutty and thus less fun.

sequined said...

Also, "word" and "bitch, please" are two of my favorite expressions, right after "fo shizzle."

Hillary said...

I would like to blame gangsta rap for the inordinate amount of time I spend on blogs while at work.

a little bird said...

i stubbed my toe this morning. f gangsta rap.

out.

Deutlich said...

I am RIGHT there with you on the legalizing the greenery.

For real.

mcgee said...

dude. i almost peed when i read this.

thank you EVER SO for this great laugh at the end of the week. i sorely needed it.

word.

Mike said...

Gansta Rap Lyrics, such as

I smack my bitch up!
I popped a cap in his ass!
Left his bitch ass bleedin' in the hood!
Sucka punched the motha fucka!

Etc. Etc., followed by the word

PEACE!

Hypocrisy at it's best, don't you think?

Princess Pointful said...

Ah! I use "word", "bitches" and "mad skillz" too much for any white graduate student.
I blame gangster rap for the fact that I'd rather get stuff delivered to me in bed today.

Mel Heth said...

This post was the perfect way to start a Friday. Hilarious.

I'd like to blame gangsta rap for my obsession with cheese.

Lizzie M said...

Oh man, the white eyeliner was so tragic...I wore it (and black liquid eyeliner on top, you know, just for a little definition) for several years in late high school/early college years...I was watching the little "Real World Awards" that they did on MTV a week or so back and they showed Amaya (Hawaii)--she was QUEEN of the white eyeliner. Word.

I definitely blame gangsta rap for my plan to leave work a little early on a Friday afternoon :)

Katelin said...

I blame gangster rap for the times that I sign my name K$ or say izzle anything, oh man.

Noelle said...

The gas I'm currently experience. There is no way it's connected to how much tofu I eat, it's got to be the gangstas.

MsPuddin said...

Yes, I would like to blame gansta rap for a few things…

Six years of college...

Locking my keys in my car, in the ignition, with the car still running…

My ex...

Gas prices...

Wow thanks girl, I feel better…

MsP

jeanne said...

excellent! I blame gangsta rap for those idiots who smoke in public and THEN put their butts out on the ground....and freakin' leave them there

all i'm sayin'

The Alleged Ringleader said...

Yes yes on the affinity for the greenery!

I always got 5 on it and I blame the Luniz.

Meghan said...

I blame gangsta rap on...

global warming

foot in mouth syndrome

and the fact that I think the 'westsyyyde' hand signs will be funny til the day I die.

Larissa said...

I blame gangsta rap for my bad hair day.

Erin said...

I blame gangsta rap for my incessant need to say "fo sho"

readsalot said...

I blame gangsta rap for referring to everyone on the road in my way as "bitches" which sometimes comes out in a high pitched voice. Gangsta rap is also responsible for eating the last of the ice cream, refusing to say hi to sudtomers when I'm tired, working out to booty shaking rap, poking at my dog till he growls at me and waiting for my husband to clean things. Gangsta rap... it's a bitch, yo.

Rebecca said...

Don't worry, your walk rage will leave when you leave NYC.

And you MUST come to the river cafe for champagne before you leave. Don't worry about the money, just blame it on the gangsta rap.

DJSassafrass said...

Everything you said (highlights on the sailors mouth and greenery) plus the fact that almost every word that ends in 'er' I say it like an 'a' when I get riled up. Yeah gansta rap.

Michelle & the City said...

word. especially on #3 ;)

Maxie said...

I'd like to blame it for every time i've used a word ending in izlle.

that's forizille.

just me said...

I wore WHITE EYELINER TOO.
...and sparkle shirts.

God. Who WERE we back then??

Jules said...

I would like to blame gangsta rap for:

my bootylicious ass (read fucken fat)

my over use of the word fuck

my bad habit of not brushing my teeth twice a day (underlaying gangsta teeth envy)

my recollection of every single word of Ice Ice Baby - yo kick it

M said...

haha gotta love white eye liner!

nicoleantoinette said...

I so broke into my apartment last month through the window.

And hell yeah- legalize it.

Alya said...

for quitting my job and taking up blogging as a formal profession..

He made me do it!

ashley said...

Wow. I wish I listened to Gangsta rap. Maybe I'll pick it up to use it for this very reason. :)

Lauren said...

I'm with you completely. I think it'll be my excuse as to why I didn't work out. "Oh, gangsta rap said I shouldn't." And for all bad relationships. Definitely them.

margottobed said...

hahah - my parents are going to kill me if i say "word" one more time...

Britt said...

This made me laugh out loud. Fo shizzle. :)

Dolce said...

I blame gangsta rap for my hangovers. It's all about the gin and juice.

Schokolade M├Ądchen said...

I blame gangsta rap for forcing me to betray my people and teach my German husband the secret black people hand slap. If you are black, you hold out your hand and say - gimme 5. Get the 5 and then turn your hand over to the brown side and say - now on the black hand side. Oh snap, I just told you guys. DAMN GANGSTA RAP!

Melain said...

This is a real trend possibility. I'm thinking of that time I accidentally confused an IM with my mother for the IM with my best friend, therefore calling my mother a drunken whore with a thing for bitches. That was not my proudest moment. I blame gangsta rap.

Nat said...

Boo Ya! Gangsta Rap did it yo, an if yo ain't feelin' it I pop a cap in yo ass.

Chardsy said...

I would like to blame gangsta rap for the clock purse I had in 4th grade. It was the size of a wall clock and wrapped in red pleather.

Such a disaster.

ex-tex said...

whoah - i dont BLAME gangsta rap any more, i EMBRACE it. some lady yelled at me for crossing the street before the green light came on (im in germany, remember, they are crazy about the rules) and i actually barked (yes, like a dog) at her and yelled 'i do what i want!'. my roommate who was with me was embarrassed but whatever yo. true story.

Ace said...

I'd like to blame Gansta Rap for my poor use of cheesy ghetto slang. Seeing how I live in what my friends lovingly(maybe no?) refer to as the ghetto it doesn't always go over well. For reals yo?

redstaplernation said...

I blame gangsta rap for making me design a t-shirt for the writing center staff that said "Word" across the back. And I blame gangsta rap for all the white people liking it.

And I blame gangsta rap for my tendency to make "your mom" jokes, which are directly derived from "word to your mother."

b out.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

hahaha, I'm taking all of your excuses and using them myself. Did I forget to mention I'd like to blame gangsta rap for my serious craving for Ben and Jerrys at all times?

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