Monday, May 19, 2008

Lowest Hanging Fruit


"Guys don't make passes at girls wearing glasses."

Thanks Ma. This was her response after I was checked out by a confused clerk at Urban Outfitters. Due to my Mother's logic anyhow, I was wearing glasses so the poor thing must've had some "depth" to not overlook me. I have pink eye damnit.
This was shortly after I was having a "moment" and asked my mother to point out someone in a magazine that was the same "size" as I was.
"There, that girl...you guys are about the same, she's little."

"MOM. She's pregnant."

"OH! OH! I didn't see that!!"

She totally slipped and compared me to a pregnant girl, and for the record my mother is not a bitch (I love you Mom, we all make mistakes, sorta how you made me! Even though I was a "blessing") And how does one recover? Well first, my remedy induced from the the past blog, decided to aid my "mood" with a spur of the moment day in Denver (shocker.) My connection to L.A. had a layover in D-town so instead of hopping on straight to L.A. I suprised the family and spent a solid day playing frisbee with the Pops, coloring the sidewalk with baby blue chalk and tracing the outline of my sisters hands. Then, kicked ass at an evening of board games accompanied by a bottle of red wine.

Then the night in shining armor swooped in..... While lamenting over life at a local pub, (wearing my glasses)....I scoped out a table of "normal looking dudes" no musician drama, no arty types, no overly perfectionist business types, just regular dudes...totally not noticing me. Instead, noticing a skanky chick wearing entirely too much lycra and self tanner.

"Lowest hanging fruit Chels."

"Huh?"
I was assuming this was drunk talk, a language that was definitely a few beers ahead of me.

"That's what they do Chelsea, most men will go for the lowest hanging fruit; a woman who is easy to grab. Someone who they don't need to work too hard to reach. You're not that, that's why they aren't looking." Basically lowest hanging fruit translates to: skank? Or run of the mill sans "fancy-free" and awesome. i.e. me.

"Aw. Thanks Dad." My faith in men is restored, because men like my father exist.
And fucking A right. I'm no apple. I'm on top of the canopy. Call me a fucking coconut (no pun intended with the "nut" part.)

If the majority of chicks are bananas, I'm a starfruit.

The question really is; do I aspire to have a man who only wants to snatch up an almost fallen apple? A man who has shitty taste in fruit? A man who will settle to eat the meal-y part of the apple, or the bruised banana, the worm holed pear, to avoid breaking the sweat necessary to indulge in a sweet mango? Do I want that? Do I want a man who only wants what's arms length away, or do I want a man who is willing to set forth on a quest to find a more exotic fruit?

Are all men only reaching for what's reachable?

56 comments:

~Angela~ said...

Definitely best to wait for a guy who's willing to put in a little effort and climb the tree for better fruit.

Susan said...

I hope all men aren't only reaching for the worm infested fruit. That would, however, explain why I'm single.

pessimisticredhead said...

I second Angela. The ones worth dating will reach for the starfruit.

Playful Professional said...

Hmm what about the fruits like watermelons that grow in gardens? Are they harder or easier to reach than the bananas in the bottom of the tree? I think maybe I'm a watermelon and the guys just overlooked me until my husband tripped over me :)

Lady Luck said...

You want to hold out for the guy that's in search for the starfruit. I just had lunch with a friend who is marrying a woman because she's within arms reach and it seems like such a boring choice.

You want the real deal. Otherwise, what's the point?

Sara Jane said...

I'm with you! Anyone who is alright just grabbing what's in reach isn't going find me.

I agree with everyone before me...if only they knew what they were missing at the top.

Alexa said...

i'm totally a coconut. you gotta work for this jelly.

although there may or may not have been a time, say age 25-26, where i may have been a banana. ha.

A Margarita said...

Sadly yes.

Guys in club don't always talk to the hottest or prettiest girl at a a bar or club. Too much effort, if you assume most guys in bars and clubs want to get laid. And well, most guys DO.

I hope that doesn't sound too bitter.

Wayfaring Wanderer said...

Are all men only reaching for what's reachable?

From my POV.....No.....my bf jumped through the most massive hoops to steal me away from the person I was dating. Before that happened we were just friend for a year or two so it kind of came out of nowhere.....I often ask him if I am worth all the trouble he went through to make me fall for him.....and of course he always reassures me that....in fact it was, and still is........Now, we've almost been together for 2 years.....love for me was not immediate......it definitely grew stronger over time.....

I totally didn't answer your question.....sheez....sorry!

Surfergrrl said...

Wow, i never heard it put that way before, but it does kind of make sense. Maybe it's the path of least resistance. I'm always baffled when i see really nice guys with girls who are controlling and bitchy. Suddenly they lose their identity and their life because their girl SO needs them to do this and do that. Keeping them on the short leash. I think you're worth the effort a guy needs to make to get you.

Dolce said...

Your mom is one smart cookie. No, not all men are reaching for what's reachable. (Don't you read SO@24?) It takes a longer time for a man to get to the top and find a star fruit and it does picking an apple off the ground.

JanelleGrace said...

You want the man that's going for the exotic fruit at the top of the tree. The ones who are going for the fallen apple aren't going to be worth your time. It may take a while but you will find your perfect someone without settling. It sucks but it will happen.

(The Cafe Wha? thing is happening again on June 2nd, it's like an open mic, but the lady screens the people. My boyfriend is a singer.)

mentalTHREESIXTY said...

"Guys don't make passes at girls wearing glasses." - WHAT! Who are these guys?! That's a HUGE turn on for me... I must be weird.

But the theory of the lowest hanging fruit is correct... and that's why I'm still single. I can't be bothered with the rotten bananas around (sounds mean I know), so I'll wait till I spot a sweet "coconut" at the top!

Noelle said...

I have no interest in obtainable men. But then again, I'm not trying too hard. Reach for the stars! (fruit)

The Maiden Metallurgist said...

When I begin to wonder if ALL men are only reaching for what's reachable I think of my dad and my friend's fantastic husbands. Then I realize that if I'm not with a man willing to reach for the top then I'm just wasting my time, because they definitely exist.

The Flash said...

I think most guys reach for the highest-lowest-hanging fruit, if that makes any sense, which it doesn't. You don't want to feel like you have to work too hard for a girl, but if you improve yourself, you start to feel like a higher class of girls are easier to get. But, yes, normal guys who can get a semi-decent woman will usually not shoot for the stars. who wants to play lapdog, or always be on edge?

jessica maria said...

I never wear my glasses out-n-about, but the one night I did, I got hit on five times. Two specifically said it was BECAUSE of the glasses. Weird.

Also, New York is filled with a lot of those low-hanging fruit guys. The ones who are mature enough to climb the tree exist though...somewhere...

Morgan said...

This is SO great. Something I've been trying to put into words for years (my parents have told me some freakishly similar things throughout my glasses-wearing life...). If only the skanks-to-be would read this post!

smb. said...

i've heard that fruit comparison before, and i totally agree. guys want what's easy. & for us more complicated girls, it gets frustrating, but when we find someone who's willing to work a little for the better "fruit" hopefully it'll be worth it.

actually, this reminds me of the episode of sex & the city...it's big's & natasha's engagement party & they're talking about how guys don't want the complicated girls...

anyway, i have sex & the city on the brain, forgive me. but hopefully you catch my drift. :)

girlinterrupted1218 said...

"Lowest Hanging Fruit" Thanks for some insight on guy talk. That one I've never heard before. As much as we like to lump all guys in one category, I do think there are some good guys of substance out there. It's just they are at the very tippy top of the cherry tree. You have to get out your climbing gear and dig your boots in up that tree. The climb isn't easy but once you get to the top, you'll find the sweetest cherry ever.

Sizzle said...

Not all men are going for the lowest hanging fruit. Maybe when they are younger and dumb they do but as they mature (some do!) they want substance. And I have been wearing glasses since I was 5 and let me tell you, I have never had someone say they didn't think they were hawt. Glasses can be totally sexy!

Lisa said...

The lazy guys are reaching for what's reachable. And who wants a lazy guy?

Also? I did an experiment and started wearing my glasses out at night and got a lot more attention. But I also like nerdy guys. And DC is full of them.

Henrietta Hussy said...

i was totally a mistake too!

i like fruit...

guys like easy stuff but all it takes is a little a balls on your part to start talking to a guy at random and show him that you are hot, smart and funny.

Nico said...

for the record, glasses are a huge turn-on for the thinking types. i find girls with glasses way more approachable than those who cake on their makeup.

the lowest hanging fruit principle goes both ways, though. a lot of my girl friends complain about how they keep ending up dating assholes, when really they are just picking from what they see as available.

and regarding your q - how would we reach for something that's not reachable? no, seriously, some advice here would be awesome.

and to the guys just taking the fallen fruit - you are sluts!

Fabulously Broke said...

Girls with glasses are HOT... at least I think so

Oh and I agree with Angela - wait for the guy who's willing to climb ;P

Lauren said...

I sure hope not. If that's the case, i'm doomed.

Also, I adore my glasses and wouldn't like a guy who didn't like me in them.

raych said...

i think initially guys (and girls for that matter) will go for what's reachable .. but then that gets old. no one's ever happy settling. so they chuck the "lowest hanging fruit" then go for the good stuff at the top, because damnit, it's gonna be worth the effort.

Katelin said...

i don't think that's necessarily true. granted i think that some guys in bars will go for the skankiest girl there, whereas a guy elsewhere would actually have morale and priorities. but that's just me.

SavingDiva said...

I agree with angela, but I also have to ask, "How long with that be?" I'm 27. I'm as ripe as I'm going to get without fermenting and getting sour...

Minda said...

I totally agree. It seems like many guys go for the lowest hanging fruit. If you aren't that type you just have to hang on until you find one who is willing to put forth the effort. And usually that guy is a better choice than the "fruit" guys. My husband, before we were married, used to be my friend. I even tried to set him up with the lowest hanging fruit....He didn't take the bait. He climbed to the top of my tree to get me. And I can honestly say he is one of the better guys I have dated. At first I found his appearance was "not my type" but once I got to know the man beneath the country boy exterior, I found out he's more intelligent and caring than anyone I met. And he's more like me than I ever knew a guy could be. So don't just go for the nice looking guys, go for the guy who has all the right traits and you might find yourself thinking he's the hottest number on the block. I know I sure did...LOL.

Andrea said...

"If the majority of chicks are bananas, I'm a starfruit."
I love that.

Mel Heth said...

That's a no brainer. You want the guy who invests in the best ladder and carries a magnifying glass to find his perfect fruit: YOU.

On another note, I think the lowest hanging fruit girls should pay the price by ending up with the lowest hanging boobs. Seems fair.

Living Juice said...

Nothing better then the chase! I would prefer to chase perfection for a year then slip home with an easy lay.

And yes, guys at pubs are there for three things.. Beer, mates and ladies with loose morals. :)

SLynnRo said...

Brilliant analysis, Dad.

Warrior Poet said...

First time reader, totally dig this. Maybe a few too many fruit metaphors in the last part. But fruit metaphors are inherently funny.
Also, I am a low hanging fruit guy, trying my best to change. And we don't call it low hanging fruit. We call it "easy pickins."

Feel free to read about it at

warriorpoetx.wordpress.com

Bayjb said...

That is hilarious. I can't believe your mom made the glasses comment. Not cool.

andrea said...

I love my glasses, whether guys do or not is their issue. I'm not compromising, 'cause I'm... a pineapple. Sweet and unusual.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

I'm definitely waiting. AMEN. I sort of knew the answer to begin with, but lord knows I AM WAITING. Its so much more worth it. I want a man who is willing to let me wear glasses and think that I'm the most beautiful....peach? ever.

They're out there....somewhere....?? haha

Lynn said...

They're not, I promise they're not. Not all of them anyway. Continue being the starfruit, he'll climb the tree for you. Anyone else who is only interested in the bruised bananas is not worth your time anyway. Thats what I've decided. Good luck. :)

P.S. I haven't commented a ton but I just wanted to say I love your blog. Any guy would be lucky to get you. The problem is some guys are just dumb.

Michelle & the City said...

i definitely think there are guys like that out there. but the best catches? they're the ones reaching for the fruit at the very top :)

ChasingParadise said...

I agree with your dad! Point proven: while walking around NYC with my friend, guys tended to check her out while not even looking at me. Why? She tends to wear low-cut shirts, way too short skirts, and too much makeup. While I tend to keep things mostly covered up, preferring to wear cute polo tops with jeans and flats. I'm no ugly duckling, but they never look at me like they look at her. I really do think it's because she puts it all out there. I'd rather me ME than like THAT anyday!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Lynn- THANK YOU!!! Glad you commented ;) I love delurkers.

redstaplernation said...

Men can't handle when things get tricky. Even if they do climb the tree and get the starfruit, the minute they bite into a seed or get something stuck in their teeth, it's right back to mommy's applesauce and the starfruit is chucked to the ground.
I personally am in favor of adding some barbed wire to the starfruit tree to keep the monkeys out.

mn said...

wow. that was a nice post, well written. your dad sounds like an awesome guy and how cool that he is in sync with you. i've learned a lot from my dad too.
your mom sounds hilarious. i get confused for a pregnant lady at least once a week. mainly bc the fat hangs in a certain low spot only covered by certain types of clothing.
i see nothing wrong with standards. i think guys want to reach for the highest fruit do. at least the good ones too. peace out.
PS, sorry i don't have a blog for you to read. i'm too chicken to make it like "open to the whole world."
but i definitely enjoy your writing. i love how you are open to figuring things out and question life much like i do.

Britt said...

God, sounds like something my mother would say!

Vanessa said...

Perhaps they are, I'm not sure. I just blogged about a marriage proposal turned down in front of a large group of people and I can't stop thinking about it. What went wrong? Perhaps it was the lowest hanging fruit syndrome.

Your Dad? A real gem, you're so lucky!

Mike said...

You know, many men have the same view of women as your mom has of men.

Maybe everybody needs to cast aside their stereotypes and meet somewhere in the middle?

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

mn- Well thank you so much :) I really appreciate it

Britt- hahahah for the record, in her defense my mother is AMAZING.

Vanessa- Thank you :) My papa is SUCH A GEM.

Mike-meeting in the middle would be awesome.

Princess Pointful said...

I actually am stunned at times by the degree to which men agree that they will go for the mealy peach (ew, nasty mental picture!).
Even boys I hold of the highest regard have the "fuck" (excuse my language) standard and the "relationship" standard.
Fair enough, if the bar wasn't so far apart! How can you sleep with someone you never want to have a conversation with?

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

princess pointful- EXACTLY!!! Man waking up next to someone you dont want to talk to is ROUGH....

irunwithscissors said...

unfortunately your moms right... I too have pink eye and have been wearing my glasses... I feel invisible in them... I hate it! And they are actually cute glasses too... but that doesn't seem to matter... glass go one, guys can no longer see me...

emmaenlighted said...

Not all men. ;) Those are the good ones ;)

paisana said...

Not all of them, no. But the ones who reach for the skanks and hos really don't know what they're missing.

Great blog. Will have to come back sometime.

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