Thursday, May 8, 2008
The many dimensions of DOUCHE.
Without my knowledge the other day a friend of mine counted the amount of times I used the word douche. The number was shockingly high, something like 20 times with the matter of half an hour. This got me thinking….I was either very irate about something, I need a new adjective OR I have stumbled upon the perfect words for any siuation/person/ etc. There are many types of doucheness. So, I thought I would break it down so you too can put to use this fantastic word.
DOUCHE:The true definition of douche is; a jet or current of water, sometimes with a dissolved medicating or cleansing agent, applied to a body part, organ, or cavity for medicinal or hygienic purposes. or; to use a douche or douches; undergo douching. Vaginal douches may consist of water, water mixed with vinegar, or even antiseptic chemicals. OK. FIRST OF ALL….Does that sound painful to anyone else? Have any of you actually tried this? I’d really like to know.
MY DEFINITION OF DOUCHE:Here’s the thing, douche has it’s varieties. Douche is like an endless salad bar of accouterments, douche is multifaceted word and I’ll have to give you a breakdown.
The Rich Douche usually will do something like order your meal for you at a dinner table, while saying something patronizing about what color lipstick you’re wearing and how it clashes with your dress. Rich Douche's usually say snide things about poor douches and visa versa. He most likely has Daddy’s money or Daddy’s company, and has dated his fair share of waify blondes wearing pearls. The rich douche would never enjoy a divey pub or roll around in the grass with a Labrador, instead he’d have a greyhound and would think pubs were for Irish invalids, take him to The Palm or he’ll just go hungry.
Just as bad as rich douche, though in a different way. Poor douche usually plays some sort of victim role which involves “hating ‘The Man’” or “The System.” Poor douche takes advantage of his Mother and then takes advantage of his chick. Poor douche eats entirely too much pizza and plays entirely too much Halo with the boys and almost never cleans his bathroom. Poor Douche never picks up the tab, and usually has you buy your own liquor that he will proceed to get drunk off of. Poor Douche thinks Rich Douche is worse than him, but really…they are one in the same- one just isn’t overdrawn.
You’ve seen this guy. As a matter of fact, these are the easiest ones to detect. The muscles and the hair gel usually give them away. Gym Douche can even be detected from a car, bumper stickers that say “NO FEAR!” or have some little kid pissing on something will usually don their trucks, or shiny black cars with ridiculous rims. Gym Douche will tell you you need to do squats and won’t enjoy your Grandma’s cooking when he meets the family. Gym Douche like Girl Gym Douches who wear makeup and hoop earrings while running on the treadmill, and lipsynching Madonna.
Will almost always make you feel like an idiot by saying something patronizing like, “…well you wouldn’t know anything about that…” Intellectual douche will definitely say something snarky about your lattes or your affinity for Half-n-Half while he drinks a sh*tty cup of black coffee and looks pensive. Intellectual Douche will also make fun of you if you enjoy Rihanna.
Will listen to entirely too much bad rap and call you “Gurl” or “Woman.” Gangsta Douche will generally have sketchy text messages from “other chicks” and will roll entirely too many blunts, while watching 106 and Park. Gangsta Douche should chill out on the cubic zirconium. Gangsta Douche will choose “his boys” first, almost ALWAYS, so just forget it…..at least until you’re his baby mama.
THESE ARE THE WORST KIND. Because they use their fancy fingers, and fancy voices and their fancy fancy HAIR to make you think they’re not douchey. They write lovey little ditties and fool you into thinking you’ve found a “sensitive one” one that will love you when eat too much pie and will let you be neurotic and imperfect and won’t mind when you stop wearing so much mascara. THEN. The true colors shine through…..and you realize those little ditties…..were JUST LITTLE DITTIES. There was no meaning, there was no depth? He’s still a man. Musician Douche almost always has an easy rebound waiting in the wings. Musician Douche is LETHAL. Not to mention Musician Douche can then write beautiful hate songs about you, that will leave everyone feeling sorry for his poor. little. heart. You bitch.
There you go my friends…..please, tell me, what type of DOUCHES do you know?