Thursday, May 8, 2008

The many dimensions of DOUCHE.


Without my knowledge the other day a friend of mine counted the amount of times I used the word douche. The number was shockingly high, something like 20 times with the matter of half an hour. This got me thinking….I was either very irate about something, I need a new adjective OR I have stumbled upon the perfect words for any siuation/person/ etc. There are many types of doucheness. So, I thought I would break it down so you too can put to use this fantastic word.

DOUCHE:The true definition of douche is; a jet or current of water, sometimes with a dissolved medicating or cleansing agent, applied to a body part, organ, or cavity for medicinal or hygienic purposes. or; to use a douche or douches; undergo douching. Vaginal douches may consist of water, water mixed with vinegar, or even antiseptic chemicals. OK. FIRST OF ALL….Does that sound painful to anyone else? Have any of you actually tried this? I’d really like to know.

MY DEFINITION OF DOUCHE:Here’s the thing, douche has it’s varieties. Douche is like an endless salad bar of accouterments, douche is multifaceted word and I’ll have to give you a breakdown.

RICH DOUCHE:
The Rich Douche usually will do something like order your meal for you at a dinner table, while saying something patronizing about what color lipstick you’re wearing and how it clashes with your dress. Rich Douche's usually say snide things about poor douches and visa versa. He most likely has Daddy’s money or Daddy’s company, and has dated his fair share of waify blondes wearing pearls. The rich douche would never enjoy a divey pub or roll around in the grass with a Labrador, instead he’d have a greyhound and would think pubs were for Irish invalids, take him to The Palm or he’ll just go hungry.

POOR DOUCHE:
Just as bad as rich douche, though in a different way. Poor douche usually plays some sort of victim role which involves “hating ‘The Man’” or “The System.” Poor douche takes advantage of his Mother and then takes advantage of his chick. Poor douche eats entirely too much pizza and plays entirely too much Halo with the boys and almost never cleans his bathroom. Poor Douche never picks up the tab, and usually has you buy your own liquor that he will proceed to get drunk off of. Poor Douche thinks Rich Douche is worse than him, but really…they are one in the same- one just isn’t overdrawn.

GYM DOUCHE:
You’ve seen this guy. As a matter of fact, these are the easiest ones to detect. The muscles and the hair gel usually give them away. Gym Douche can even be detected from a car, bumper stickers that say “NO FEAR!” or have some little kid pissing on something will usually don their trucks, or shiny black cars with ridiculous rims. Gym Douche will tell you you need to do squats and won’t enjoy your Grandma’s cooking when he meets the family. Gym Douche like Girl Gym Douches who wear makeup and hoop earrings while running on the treadmill, and lipsynching Madonna.

INTELLECTUAL DOUCHE:
Will almost always make you feel like an idiot by saying something patronizing like, “…well you wouldn’t know anything about that…” Intellectual douche will definitely say something snarky about your lattes or your affinity for Half-n-Half while he drinks a sh*tty cup of black coffee and looks pensive. Intellectual Douche will also make fun of you if you enjoy Rihanna.

GANGSTA DOUCHE:
Will listen to entirely too much bad rap and call you “Gurl” or “Woman.” Gangsta Douche will generally have sketchy text messages from “other chicks” and will roll entirely too many blunts, while watching 106 and Park. Gangsta Douche should chill out on the cubic zirconium. Gangsta Douche will choose “his boys” first, almost ALWAYS, so just forget it…..at least until you’re his baby mama.

MUSICIAN DOUCHE:
THESE ARE THE WORST KIND. Because they use their fancy fingers, and fancy voices and their fancy fancy HAIR to make you think they’re not douchey. They write lovey little ditties and fool you into thinking you’ve found a “sensitive one” one that will love you when eat too much pie and will let you be neurotic and imperfect and won’t mind when you stop wearing so much mascara. THEN. The true colors shine through…..and you realize those little ditties…..were JUST LITTLE DITTIES. There was no meaning, there was no depth? He’s still a man. Musician Douche almost always has an easy rebound waiting in the wings. Musician Douche is LETHAL. Not to mention Musician Douche can then write beautiful hate songs about you, that will leave everyone feeling sorry for his poor. little. heart. You bitch.

There you go my friends…..please, tell me, what type of DOUCHES do you know?

77 comments:

The Maiden Metallurgist said...

It is a good go to word. We burn it down too.

lspoon said...

Wow, I never knew there were so many douche dimensions.

May I suggest jerkface as a new term? It's one of my favorites and always makes me giggle :)

nicoleantoinette said...

Haha, no, I have NEVER tried douching and never, ever will. Gross. Messed up. No way.

Anyway, I loved the gym douche description. It's so, so true, especially out here.

1218Blog said...

HA! HA! These are great. I'd like to add the Condescending Douche.

A Lil' Irish Lass said...

Douche is one of my favorite words. Versatile indeed!

Deutlich said...

I really quite enjoy all the varieties with which douche can be said... like douchnozzle, douchestick, douchehose.. etc etc etc.

Meghan said...

Oh I've dated more than a few Musician Douches in my days.

Don't forget the Playa Douche or Emo Douche.

Stephanie said...

I think you covered them all.:P

Trixie Firecracker said...

This entry and the corrosponding picture are just way too hilarious! Love it, love it, love it!

Trixie Firecracker said...

I'm adding Douchey McDouchebag to the list: cheats on his girlfriend because he doesn't care about her and then blames the girl he cheats on her with.

Alexa said...

this is great by the way.

indie music douches totally the worse. also the too much gel douche

Trixie Firecracker said...

sorry for the comment diarrhea, here's another one:

Douche of Inaction: tries to get everyone to think he's a huge pimp who's always hooking up with someone new but it doesn't always work.

Allie-gator said...

"Douche is like an endless salad bar of accouterments"
Best line EVER!! I totally need to squeeze this into conversation tomorrow!

and...
Yes I do think Rihanna has a great voice...I was just disappointed with the sound. Maybe it was our venue. So JEALOUS you knew the guys and are a concert snob!! PLEASE invite me once (I'm not greedy)!! I've never sat up close at a concert...and this totally would have been the one to go all out for!!
Love the blog btw! Will totally stick around!

Tia said...

oh, musician douche. how many of you have wronged me, and in how many ways?

ugh.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

allie- feel free to use that line lol. and if the opportunity arises, sure thing you can be my concert buddy. lol.

tia- oh my dear.....I know about this one first hand as well. biggest heartbreak ever.

Surfergrrl said...

ha ha! that was really great. I think musician douche can sometimes go along with the poor douche.

I've run across the "work douche" a lot. This is the guy who gives you the fist when you pass him by and kind of acts interested in what you say, but is really gathering info to use it against you at a later date. They may still use cheesy lines like, wus up home slice or call you dude when they are in the 50's or 60's. (and they are not hippies or surfers). They suck up to anyone to get ahead and will be genuine one moment and backstabbers the next.

Also, there is the eco-douche. This is the guy who formally drove and h2 and used Styrofoam cups daily for his 7-11 coffee, but now drives a prius, talks about how they only shop at whole foods and drinks starbucks from their reusable cup...which is fine, except when they give you the stinkeye for rollin up in your old crappy (but paid for subaru) with your groceries from albertsons. "omg...is that NON-ORGANIC food you're eating, surfergrrl?" "excuse me while I go phone Al Gore. Sorry, gotta go run and have a raw food lunch with Leo."

emmaelizabeth said...

I think you forgot Preppy Douche. The one who pops his collar, shops exclusively at Abercrombie/Hollister/J Crew/Banana Republic and the like. He does drugs while living off the parent's and getting good grades and volunteering because he doesn't actually work. His life is a sham, but on the outside it looks perfect. He dates only the perfect girls who have the same cover life as him and are anorexic.

Raven said...

Philanthropic Douche: The guy that works in a hospice or teaches little children so you think that he's going to treat you right and you SWOON. Before you know what hit you, your panties are on the floor and his smile is parting your knees and you regale your friends of all his heroics as he is telling all of his, the sounds you make in bed.

You can't possibly believe that someone who would dedicate their life for good, could possibly be so evil.

ToKissTheCook said...

I think I'm about to have nightmares about musician douche. For serious. At least the one I'm acquainted with is less pretty hair and little ditties and more handlebar mustaches and whiskey. I guess that makes it more honest?

Fuck.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

surfrrgrl- ECO DOUCHE! Brilliant!

emmelizabeth- I did forget him, but I know how he is. I just havent KNOWN any prep douches, I avoid them like the plague.

raven- ew. I hope never meet him

tokissacook- they are all the saem my friend, they just wear different costumes.

ablogofherown said...

YES YES YES
I think I've met all of them.
And can I just say it makes me irrationally angry when i see girls at the gym who match their tanktops to their sneakers and run in makeup and excessively large jewelry.

Nico said...

I think I've met at least one of each, too.

I am also DANGEROUSLY CLOSE to musician douche! However, I have no one waiting in the wings, I've never written a song about a girl without having meant it, and my hair is not well kept, so I'm nearly exempt.

However... being a musician myself, I'm flanked by douche musicians. And. They. Are. Dangerous.

Seriously ladies, take it from a musician: don't date musicians.

JB said...

I'm bilingual. When I moved to Halifax from Quebec (from a french-speaking town), I was completely confused when people were throwing around the insult "douchebag." See, in French, "douche" means "shower." I couldn't understand why people thought "shower bag" was an insult, because it made no sense to me. Boy was I embarassed when I found out what it really meant.

Kate said...

This made my morning - hilarious!

ElPato said...

Well... don't you have the best taste in music? Yes, I think you do. And yes, douche, especially douche bag is a work that rolls off the tongue like rain from the gutter.

Delightfully Sassy said...

This is hysterical! My Best friend and I often refer to especially annoying people as not only a douche bag but the whole douche kit! This blog reminds me of our many douche rants.

Delightfullysassy.blogspot.com

each of the two said...

I have dated at least one of each variety.
proving two things:
1 I am a douche magnet
2 I do not, unfortunately, discriminate.

must work on this.

lifeintheleftlane said...

I LOVE this list. So awesome!

You forgot about the fratty douche. Drives a monster SUV, lives off his parent's money, has the long shaggy hair that sticks out from his well-worn backwards hat, wears short khaki shorts and pastel colored polos, has sunglasses hanging around his neck, and is often damn ugly with a super hot girlfriend. He may exist only in the South, but is oh so douchey.

Princess of the Universe said...

Nice Guy Douche- thinks he is so hard done by cause girls only date *ssholes. Whines about how overlooked or taken advantage of he is.
Then when some nice girl gives him a chance, he treats her the same way as every other stereo-typical guy does.

Morgan said...

Okay, I love this so much... you have no idea! There's just so much truth in it!

A few years ago, I wrote my own tribute to douche bagels over my myspace blog (needless to say, drama ensued), and the only one I have to add to your list is the Lifted Truck Douche. You know... the ones with tiny weiners.
They are usually accompanied by a backwards hat, an ugly friend in the passenger's seat, and almost ALWAYS have some sort of decal on the back window, butchering the spelling of a normal word (Krazy Kaotic Kreationz).

I don't know... maybe this rare breed is only found in Fresno. If that's the case, you all have been spared!

Hillary said...

Douche-etta (rhymes with bruschetta: pretty much just the female equivalent of all the douches you've mentioned above.

Marie said...

I work with several "intellectual douches." It's a wonder I haven't jumped out the window yet.

Thanks for the multiple definitions.

faith said...

this post was far too ammusing. I loved it!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

nico- being a musician myself, I know how douchey we can be, even though I am a girl. a douchetta apparently?

Princess of the universe- that douche sounds AWFUL.

Morgan- WOW!!!!!!!! This douche sounds amazing.

jessica maria said...

Ah, the musician douche. I can't even count how many of those I've met. That's why I almost didn't start dating my now-fiancee - he's a musician. (Yay not a douche!)

Nico said...

lol "douchetta" sounds tasty, because it rhymes with "bruschetta". it's kind of hard to imagine a tomato basil douchetta, though.

Carrie said...

AWESOME POST. Douche is one of the best all-purpose words out there.

BTW, I cracked up when I saw that the Google ads at the bottom of the page are for yeast infections!!

ChasingParadise said...

Chelsea, I adore you. You crack me the FUCK up! :)

I KNEW GIRL GYM DOUCHE! She wore a full face of makeup, dangly earrings, a sports bra, and booty shorts! I never saw her actually work out -- she just walked around and flirted with the over-steroidzed (haha I just made up a word) GUY GYM DOUCHES! HILARIOUS!

Katelin said...

i definitely overuse douche too, and i love your definitions. i'd say they're all about right, haha.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

jb- maybe i'll start calling people shower bag?

jessica maria- congrats my dear ;)

chasing paradise- thank you love, I adore you too ;)

nico- I REALLY LOVE BRUSCHETTA, JUST THE WORD ALONG MAKES ME WANT TO RAVISH A BAGUETTE.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

jb- maybe i'll start calling people shower bag?

jessica maria- congrats my dear ;)

chasing paradise- thank you love, I adore you too ;)

nico- I REALLY LOVE BRUSCHETTA, JUST THE WORD ALONG MAKES ME WANT TO RAVISH A BAGUETTE.

Melody.Darlene said...

what about the pukka shells douche with the A&F t-shirt 2x too small for him.

Kt said...

hahahah....Oh I love it...I used the word a little too often and I was getting a little self conscious about it....I'm glad I'm not the only one ahhaha....

Eww...yea I like to pretend that there is not a "real" definition for it...

I think all the levels of doucheness are covered!

Bayjb said...

That is hilarious. Thank you for properly defining the different variations of the word "douche." I need to use that more in my daily conversations. Plus, the actual douche item sounds nasty.

Karmen said...

completely off topic...but do you live in LA or NY??? for some reason i was under the impression that you lived in NY.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Karmen- yes, it gets a bit confusing. I DO live in NYC, I just moved here from LA in Feb. however, I fly back to L.A. a lot, sometimes once a month for work, auditions, etc....I travel and coast hop quite abit, this is the second time I've lived in NYC

Ana said...

I have no comment on the listing of types of douches, other than the fact that you're spot on with all of them.

What I would like to add is that I work at 7 Eleven and we sell that douche that you posted a picture of. Something about that doesn't seem right to me... douches at 7 Eleven? Sure, we attract the human kind all the time... but the actual, shoot-water-into-the-vagina douche? Why the hell are we carrying that?

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

ana- OH GOD!

Lauren said...

I know the poor and the musician ones. And you're right: the musician is DEFINITELY the worst one.

kristabella said...

It really CAN describe so many different people.

There is also the HIPSTER DOUCHE which includes most anyone living in Lincoln Park/Lakeview neighborhoods in Chicago.

Larissa said...

Nope, never douched...it sounds like a frightening thing that I would rather steer clear from.

Phat girl said...

Loving your douche breakdown. I wouldn't expect most to know this type of douche 'cause he's real specialized in his area of operation but once I say his name most will know the guy I'm talking about. And yes, I find him worse than the others.

Christian Douche.

Anonymous said...

The jock douche: watches ESPN, Golf network and NFL continuously. Has the NFL, NBA, MBA and every college tournament ticket from his satellite provider. He only goes online to check scores, buy tickets and game gear - usually on company time. His wardrobe consists of jeans, cargo shorts, championship tees and jerseys. Possibly a tie or two, but you better believe he's got the logo/colors of his fave team on there.

Likely participates in weekend games with his 'buddies' and rehashes his glory days (in High School or College) at any opportunity).

- Karaz

Vanessa said...

You are so right on with Intellectual Douche. I love the part where they say you have no idea what you like or you've just not had the best of ____ so obviously you can't possibly have liked it before. Example? I don't like sushi. I've had it many places, different cities/states, etc. I just *don't* like it. Never fails Douchebag will say, "Oh, well if you'd ever had it at ____ which *everyone* knows is the *best* sushi around, you would know what you're missing" Yeah, thanks, barf!

Heidi said...

I just know that I have been using the word douchebag to describe people lately. I blame the guys I work with and it has become quite an epidemic.

ashley said...

You're fantastic. Really quite funny. I love it. And really..douches aren't painful. I promise. It just feels really, really weird.

Michelle & the City said...

THANK YOU. i needed a good laugh. seriously.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

phat girl- AH! CHRISTIAN DOUCHE@! THANK YOU FOR MENTIONING THAT!! I've totally met him.

anonymous- ee! Just the idea of that guy makes me want to run for the holy hills.

Dan said...

I'll contribute the Femmedouche: she's a douche for no reason, no matter how nice anybody is.

Go Nicole Yourself said...

Oh Chelsea - how I wish I would have read this post a year ago. Perhaps I would have avoided all of the drama with My Musician Douche.

Douche is perhaps the best word ever. I use it a lot.

twisted elegance said...

I've met musician douche, poor douche, and gansta douche all in one guy.

Rachel said...

I ran track with a guy that had a "No Fear" tattoo! Next time I see him I'll tell him to get "Douche" on the other shoulder.
I'm going to email this entry to my sister-in-law because her only adjective is "frustrating", she has used it up to 15 times in a conversation.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

dan- I'm sorry about that girl.

twisted elegance- WOW. I know him.

Ace said...

Great post. Thanks for the inspiration, check my blog.

http://adreamorvision.blogspot.com/

Aurora said...

How useful. I don't use the word and never really thought about what it meant until now. I guess I have other words I use instead, like... loser.. or jerkwad (that's very polite though).

mb said...

i was just telling my boyfriend the other day just how much i hate girls who go to the gym wearing makeup, talking on their cell phones, and moving so slowly that they don't even break a sweat.

LOVED IT!

Insanity in a can said...

You forgot a very important type of douche;
The political douche. He happens to be very similar to the rich douche only he spats about Obama and Clinton like he’s known them from the womb and usually plans on being a senator. More often than not he can not dress himself properly, thinking that it’s okay to wear charcoal shoes and a brown belt with his “slacks”. He also generally refers to all femmes as bitches and is balding or has a tan from hell. Which is where he will most likely go. His faouvirte thing to do is hang around college campuses and evaluate girls and try to shock them with his ‘impressive knowledge’ of political science. I find the best way of dealing with such douches is to pretend you do not speak english (because they have an inability to take no for an answer) and when they keep insisting you have a coffee with them call them a douchefuck and walk away disgusted.

Also, I realize this has been quite sometime ago that you posted this blog but I just stumbled acrossed it.

Lyla Lou said...

OH YES!!!! A whole blog post about my favorite and most used word EVER!! I love the word, I use it way too much. My roomie loves to call stupid guys tampons. I dunno why, but I like my word better.

20somethingirl said...

one of my most favorite words in the english dictionary! will keep the dimensions in mind and will definitely be referring back to this!
good job chelsea! u'r so witty.

Catie Pearl said...

I prefer Ovichkin which is Russian for Douchebag. It's much funnier and no one knows whats going on.

TypeLover said...

Oh wait, we almost over looked the Mid-Life Crisis Douche. You know the old guy, with hair plugs, rolling up to the stop light in his convertible with "Party People" blaring. Apparently his large "bank roll" will take 20 years off of his age and somehow help with the "ED". My only satisfaction is imagining his wife in her Lexus with her spray tan and double D's catching his pathetic ass. Can we say pre-nup??

Great post Chelsea. You are hilarious!

Birdie! said...

Douche-a-saurus = the old douche that won't stop blah bla blah-ing their older person knowledge all over your cool and interesting story.

Haha your blog is fantastic!

Chelsi said...

I like douche bag and douche nozzle, as well. As for actual douches, I'm a fan after my period or a yeast infection. I like to keep things clean. And no, it doesn't hurt. Frequent douching though, is bad. As for man douches, I've dated all kinds of douches. I have an ex-bf/gansta douche who will just not go away. Um, hello, I'm married, and it is not a CZ. Also, my brother is a combo of the poor douche and the musician douche. I'm left to put back together the hearts he breaks. Bastard.

Anonymous said...

Don't forget about HATER DOUCHE.

The HATER DOUCHE is always whining and complaining and talking smack about pretty much everyone else.

The hater douche seems to think that everyone ELSE is a douche except for them.

The inability to be humble + a bad attitude = hater douche.

They're everywhere.

Have you seen one lately?

Anonymous said...

Awesome! Great idea, but will this really work?

Caleb said...

A little late to the party, I know. Anywayz.


While it's certainly near-impossible to come up with ALL the douche types out there, the ones you do have are pretty valid. So, instead of adding more douche-types to your list, I thought I would give you another word to use. It's just as fun to say, and you can really put a lot of meaning into it depending on how you say it.

"Dick."

Try it- seriously. It's much more specific than douche. Consider:

"Have you seen that new guy, Rob?"
"Yeah... he's kind of a douche."

What's that mean? What KIND of douche? What douchery did he indulge in? Now this:

"Have you seen that new guy, Rob?"

"Yeah. He's a dick."

Right away- you know a lot about this guy. He's a dick!

Also, combining "dick" with "move" gives you a great observational statement on a specific behavior. This way, you can criticize an action without criticizing the actor.

So if an otherwise-nice guy pulls some stunt (say, accidentally letting a door slam behind him into an old lady... not that I recently did that) you could look at them, pause, and say "dick move."

Pause for shame.

See? Beautiful.

Good post!

Caleb

Hecht said...

Finally, the cost of the piano must be a criterion. I have been doing this for thirty years. The first is figuring out the melody by ear and then finding the chords of the song. The note itself indicates timing.

 
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