Friday, May 16, 2008
The Truth of the matter is.....
I look very writerly today. I've been wearing my hair in a bun more often than any twentysomething should, and I haven't transitioned into "spring clothes" yet. Basically, I look like I emerged out of a cave at all hours of the day. I look like someone who got stranded in their car for a week and ate Cheerios that were crushed in their seat cushions. I look like a librarian?
It's pouring rain outside which usually makes me feel rejuvenated, but today I'm realizing that this sedentary writing stuff is making me very weak. I have to get up and do a "2 minute power boost!!!!" Which involves a lot of jumping jacks and lunges. I really want to be skipping through the streets like Gene Kelly and then sit in a cafe and contemplate the meaning of love. Life is already a mystery I've accepted, the mystery of love on the other hand, I refuse to accept. Accepting it is like saying you're willing to leave every first date saying, "What the fuck just happened? Is this my fate? I knew I should've joined a convent during my 'religious phase.'"
I'd also like to confess that I've been living off of Red Bull, rice cakes, peanut butter and chicklets. Like the gum. I'm out of eggs, so now my diet is all effed up. Now I know that none of the above are anywhere in any sort of food chain, and this is probably why I look like a character from Sweeney Todd today. So I'm getting on a plane back to L.A. again for work and am sufficiently malnourished and all I really want to do today, is go hang out with my little sister. Fly to CO, take her to a movie, find the bitch who threw a bottle at her at school and busted her lip and pull her pigtails out of her head, then bake a nice batch of cookies.
My friends think that the things I do are exciting when all I really want to do is drink a beer at a pub with my uncles and my Daddy. You may not know, that though I look crazy independent, I call my Mother at least ten times a day. You may think that I look self sufficient but I have to call my Dad to have him "calm me down" when I'm about to have a "flip out" which has an uncanny resemblance to Tom Cruise's flip out in Jerry Mcguire. Everyone says that I'm not "that girl that has lots of boyfriends cause I'm picky" but the truth is, every time I meet a man I'm considering whether or not he's good boyfriend material. More often than not, I settle on yes and he settles on someone else. I may look stable but when I read a posting on Craigslist about a guy who needed a "no expectation date" on a wedding and would pay $500, I seriously considered and had to call my best friend so she could tell me I had hit a new low.
The truth of the matter is this: I miss my family. I don't even really like Red Bull. I crave milkshakes and fried food more than any human ever should. I have a crush on everyone, but I don't really want anyone. I've been procrastinating and daydreaming for hours at a time, time has been a black hole lately. I've been listening to Usher? I have a crush on someone for real, that I'll never be able to date. I wish I wasn't questioning all of my usual hippie ways. I think I should have been the next Bachelorette. I still think about him. I chew a lot of gum to forget how hungry I am. It's still not right. When I'm in the moment, I snap out of it and realize I can't be in that moment forever, or.....I may look like and feel like Sweeney Todd forever.
What's the truth for you?