Monday, June 23, 2008
All Jacked UP
I've been having an incredibly hard time sleeping lately. I've never needed much sleep, running on fumes is a constant for me and rarely do I crash completely. Don't get me wrong I LOVE sleeping, right now- I just can't.
When my head finally hits the pillow is usually when all of the "writing worthy" topics hit me, then the moment I sit up and put my feet on the ground, the thoughts are gone. RIGHT when I'm about to get ready to go to sleep is usually when I get a sudden urge to Google, "INDIA" or "Ashrams in India"....then something else random like, "inner peace" or "cupcake recipes" why? I don't know, because the idea of fucking cupcakes is akin to inner peace. Um.
Today, I was particularly brutal to myself. One of those shitty self confidence days where you star in the mirror and say cruel things like, "you look fucking terrible."
WHY do we do that? Some of the things I say to myself, I'd straight judo chop someone for saying. A chop directly to the larynx. Don't speak those words, annnnd CHOP! Hiyyya! Sometimes I think that if I talk to myself like I'm a drill Sargent that I'll suck it up and be all steel-like. Unshakable. Like a rock, in the non- Dodge sort of sense. Then, it hits me....my inner talk can go from loving affirmations, "love and light...I am complete and open, healthy, peaceful and serene." to...."what the fuck is wrong with you, look at you- you're a mess. you're alone, your hair sucks, your boobs look tiny today and your stomach isn't nearly as small as you thought it was yesterday. You are delusional. And yeah, you should've worn your retainer. Your teeth look stupid. BTW you're still lost. Go play Solitaire. Ugly."
What the hell happened to my loving zen master and where the fuck did that crazzzzzzy voice stash her???! I want her back! Stop taking my serenity hostage, you voice of evil, you!
Then what happens is I start having the anxiety, oh yes. ANXIETY. Like a neurotic, frenzied character from an indie film. I start saying things like, "I need to get some air." or "I can't feel my hands." My brain warps from anxiety so much that I unconsciously make my hands go numb....then what do I do? Google it, just in case its some rare medical mystery that I should be concerned about. Apparently I think I can find all my answers through Google and ashrams.
Now, I am NOT that person. I don't believe in getting sick, that's right- I don't believe it. I believe I have full control over my mind, my health and my destiny, but lately; shit has been misfiring and I'm all fucked.
My purse is full of sugar packets because right now it's my mental mind-trick when I start to feel panicy, a complete placebo but it's working.
So, INDIA or bust??? Camel ride for one please.