Monday, June 23, 2008

All Jacked UP


I've been having an incredibly hard time sleeping lately. I've never needed much sleep, running on fumes is a constant for me and rarely do I crash completely. Don't get me wrong I LOVE sleeping, right now- I just can't.

When my head finally hits the pillow is usually when all of the "writing worthy" topics hit me, then the moment I sit up and put my feet on the ground, the thoughts are gone. RIGHT when I'm about to get ready to go to sleep is usually when I get a sudden urge to Google, "INDIA" or "Ashrams in India"....then something else random like, "inner peace" or "cupcake recipes" why? I don't know, because the idea of fucking cupcakes is akin to inner peace. Um.

Today, I was particularly brutal to myself. One of those shitty self confidence days where you star in the mirror and say cruel things like, "you look fucking terrible."
WHY do we do that? Some of the things I say to myself, I'd straight judo chop someone for saying. A chop directly to the larynx. Don't speak those words, annnnd CHOP! Hiyyya! Sometimes I think that if I talk to myself like I'm a drill Sargent that I'll suck it up and be all steel-like. Unshakable. Like a rock, in the non- Dodge sort of sense. Then, it hits me....my inner talk can go from loving affirmations, "love and light...I am complete and open, healthy, peaceful and serene." to...."what the fuck is wrong with you, look at you- you're a mess. you're alone, your hair sucks, your boobs look tiny today and your stomach isn't nearly as small as you thought it was yesterday. You are delusional. And yeah, you should've worn your retainer. Your teeth look stupid. BTW you're still lost. Go play Solitaire. Ugly."

?!?

What the hell happened to my loving zen master and where the fuck did that crazzzzzzy voice stash her???! I want her back! Stop taking my serenity hostage, you voice of evil, you!
Then what happens is I start having the anxiety, oh yes. ANXIETY. Like a neurotic, frenzied character from an indie film. I start saying things like, "I need to get some air." or "I can't feel my hands." My brain warps from anxiety so much that I unconsciously make my hands go numb....then what do I do? Google it, just in case its some rare medical mystery that I should be concerned about. Apparently I think I can find all my answers through Google and ashrams.
Now, I am NOT that person. I don't believe in getting sick, that's right- I don't believe it. I believe I have full control over my mind, my health and my destiny, but lately; shit has been misfiring and I'm all fucked.

My purse is full of sugar packets because right now it's my mental mind-trick when I start to feel panicy, a complete placebo but it's working.

So, INDIA or bust??? Camel ride for one please.

30 comments:

sequined said...

I can spend hours learning about random things online, often right when I should be doing something else, like sleeping. I'll be about to get into bed and think, "wait, what's so special about mascarpone?" and then the night is shot learning about various dairy products on wikipedia.

The point of that is to say that I empathize!

JK said...

I hate those moments in the mirror. Sometimes I get so worked up I just get mad at the mirror. Then I get mad at myself for blaming an inanimate object for my insecurity.

Alexandreena said...

I google travel destinations and plan imaginary trips using Google Earth. That's my happy place. While I do that, I drink. So, at one point, I eventually fall asleep.

Auburn Kat said...

I hate having days like that! I always try and wear something cute that day to give myself more confidence.

Sara said...

I have those days. No matter what I do I look like crap. Then I spend hours trying to correct such crapness, resulting in me running late, which then causes anxiety. It's not fun, but then the next day is always better.

I also look up random things late at night. Unfortunately is usually doomsday cults or serial killers, and then I'm too scared to go to sleep. I blame lifetime movies.

Olivia said...

i totally empathize with your late-night searches! I have spent the past eight months or so Google-ing the cost of a plane ticket from melbourne to anywhere- kenya, london, montreal, but most recently, new york. THEN I became obssessed with finding out every little thing about nyc and NOW i have an entire three-week itinerary mapped out for my (eventual) pilgramige to new york. YOUR blog has inspired me. Don't give up on yourself just yet :)

Britt said...

I haven't been sleeping either. And while I'm laying there not sleeping, I'm often thinking about the things I need to google. Also, cupcakes? sometime are akin to inner peace. ;)

JanelleGrace said...

My messed-up is a little different, no Google searches or evil mirror talks for me. But I don't sleep very well, ever, because I have nightmares so I stay up all night watching Bewitched.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

sequined- AH marscarpone is delicious and completely special.

alexandreena- oh yes, I know the wine gulping well.

sara- OOOOO CULLLLTSSS...I should definitely google that.

Olivia- thank you :) I won't give uo yet...and PS if you're planning a trip to NYC you must look at my guides ;) haha.

Sizzle said...

Good thinking with the placebo. Things will shift. I hate when I feel like that too though. It feels ENDLESS. Argh.

Coconut said...

I suggest you give your mean inner voice an ugly name and tell it to shut up when it yells at you. And if you do it out loud people will think your crazy!

Noelle said...

Last night I had Indian food and watched an Indian movie, "The Namesake." Sometimes, that's the next best thing...

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

noelle- THE NAMESAKE IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MOVIE......And I freaking LOVE Indian food. LOVE. I mean, I would bathe in a bucket of tikka masala

Mike said...

After you chop 'em in the throat knock them to the ground.

That way, they'll take that extra few seconds to get up, you know, if they have a gun or are just plain psychotic.

And if they say "do it again, but this time in the nuts" start running. They ARE psychotic.

Also, you're too hard on yourself. Your boobs are great and your stomach is small. No worries man ;)

Sarah said...

In the past week I've come to realize that every lady I know gets "all jacked up" and it totally makes me feel better about my tendency to turn into the incredibly shitty hulk.

*DesignerGirl24* said...

Sometimes I get all jacked up too. You're definitely not the only one. I have a major issue with anxiety and it ain't fun. I've tried various things to deal with it but I think I've learned that it's something I just have to talk myself through. Sometimes it takes weeks before I feel normal again. I'm very bad at hiding how I'm feeling. Like, VERY bad. I truly hope that you find your Zen place again soon!

well-intentioned heartbreaker said...

Ooohh Chelsea, you rock.

Just READING that someone else out there is going "What the fuck happened to my boobs? They were bigger yesterday. For real. They were. And my stomach? I swear I had rock hard abs this morning. My boob weight went to my stomach?" while knowing it is SO wrong to do so, makes me feel at ease.

Soo let's stop this? Okay, yeah, that wasn't a question cause I've officially declared you IN. We aren't doing this anymore, and we're going to remember that we are fucking brilliant SEXY mammas.

(I don't think I've ever said 'mammas' before when referring to myself. But it fit.)

Lyla Lou said...

Tylenol PM, you're my best friend.

Fortunately for me I do most of my google searches at work. By the time I get home I don't really want to be near a computer.

AND I have deffinetly googled cults and serial killers, I'm so glad I'm not the only one!

Mel Heth said...

I like Coconut's idea of naming your evil voice and yelling at it.

I just got out of a funk like this recently. For me, running helped. And making a list (or 78) of things I'm grateful for - whether that's Pinot Noir, my family, or just a skinny stomach day. It helps to force yourself to recognize the positives.

Surfergrrl said...

I often go back and forth quite easily when it comes to loving self-talk and hate talk about myself. I wish I knew what the secret was for playing on a nice, even field of sanity. maybe that's overrated??

Bayjb said...

I'm awful at the end of the day with my mind not being able to turn off. It's horrible and has been worse lately. Get some Ambien and lock up the food. We're always the hardest on ourselves no matter what.

the lockeness monster said...

I had a major bout with anxiety for over a year, and there was one thing that a therapist told me that always works.
First, you have to acknowledge the fact that you are having an anxiety attack.
Then you give yourself a time limit of 20 minutes where you write down whatever thoughts are racing through your mind.
Keep track of the time, and by the end of 20 minutes, you should start coming down.
I don't know if it works for everyone, but it definitely worked for me....
It's all a matter of gaining control when you feel out of control.

Here's hoping you feel better!

vanessamason said...

I tend to get odd ideas at the most convenient times also: right before falling asleep and when I am in the shower. I would recommend Tylenol PM and a notepad by the bed for the former situation. The shower one I don't have figured out yet!

I get a little OCD about Google searches as well. I try to set a time limit for myself to keep it from being a complete timesuck. I always have travel plans on the brain. My current dream vacation is traveling through Spain and Portugal.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

mel heth- Yes! I do have a gratitude journal for when I am particularly negator. Well, I use it other times as well, but that's a really good time for me to use it. HA.

the lockness monster- Thank you for the advice, I'll try it.

Pink ditz said...

Hahaha, I ask myself the same question with my boobs sometimes.

Everyone has these days. googling stuff only leads to more anxiaty...at least for me. Try having a power party it's the opposite of a power nap, you put on some happy music , shake around in your underwear regardless of the fact that it's late at night, this clears your head trust me.

ps: you crack me up

Olivia said...

thanks chelsea you know i actually have had a look at your guides they are so great! I especially loved the one about finding love in bookstores- so sweet!
The plan is to get to new york after university, so i have four years to go! I've already started saving!
thanks for great guides and a great blog xoxo

emmaenlighted said...

I'm gonna try to go to India soon!! Sometime between October of this year and June of next. Come with!

poodlegoose said...

Those days in front of the mirror suck. A lot. Sometimes, I have to take my mirror and write something encouraging on it just so I'll stop myself from cutting myself down. Cheesy, I know, but it works about 95% of the time.

Maybe you should knock yourself out with something. When I sleep, like really konk out for a while, I feel 100X better when I wake up. Hope you come out of this funk soon :)

bloggingbarbie said...

and this is why i pray to the god otherwise known as "ambien."

adore.

nicoleantoinette said...

I get absolutely OBSESSED with things that just pop into my head and I have to google them/learn everything about them before I calm down.

This often happens with travel urges. I don't know, I guess learning about it is quazi akin to actually doing it?

And I've been pretty mean to myself lately too. Which sucks because of COURSE I look terrible, I'm working 16 hours a day. Grrr

 
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