Sunday, June 1, 2008
I Tivo wedding shows.
That's a line for a real "man scare" if I've ever seen one, eh? It is true, I am love obsessed.
It isn't the dress or the bouquet, it isn't the invitations or the destination. I am not obsessed with the stuff that makes up a wedding, I am obsessed with the idea of loving someone that much that you're willing/wanting to become, unified? As someone who is notoriously single, I am the most eager of anyone I know to want to share love with someone else.
And it doesn't stop at the wedding shows. Sure my DVR is full of Platinum Bride, Who's Wedding is it Anyway, etc. etc. But it's the entire IDEA OF LOVE. I even lit a candle to write this post because candlelight makes everything more romantic and because I'm in dire need for romance. I light candles, wear red lipstick midday, listen to music outside and watch clouds and little ants, I make eye contact with strangers walking by and turn around to see if they looked back, I sing along to country music and pour myself a glass of wine while I read a book in the bubble bath. I say it whenever I can and with the warmest, truest intention. I am a huge. Gigantic. Lovesick cliche. I even sing All You Need Is Love while coloring pink hearts on restaurant's paper table cloths. I was the kid that doodled names of boys on my notebooks and the palm of my hand.
I love hearing love stories, I love watching people in love, I love swooning, and I love lusting. I love the idea that you can find a single one person and have so much love for them that your heart is so full, overflowing and so abundant that it just has to pour onto someone else so that it doesn't explode, so that it will keep beating. I love that love is so powerful that imperfection is completely void. All in love is just. right. Perfect even, in all of it's seemingly outside views of "imperfection."
Shakespeare in Love, When Harry Met Sally, While You Were Sleeping, Love Actually....I could do a full reenactment in charades of every single scene.
The catch; love is the one thing that I yearn for the most and yet the one thing that eludes me. Just like the quote about the butterfly? I believe it's something like when you stop trying to catch it, it lands softly on your shoulder....or something. Sure, I have love. As a matter of fact, I love my family and my friends so deeply, and so unconditionally, they are one with me in my life. Anything they feel, I feel. Anything they want, I want for them. I leave my entire heart in their hands in full faith and they know they can do the exact same with me and they are safe. More than most people I know I have a deep well of love from other sources, yet when it comes to romantic love it is the one area where I continuously fall short.
I've had one serious boyfriend. One. But the love I had for him was so expansive I wonder if I'll ever be able to meet someone and love them like that again? Up until now, everyone has yet to measure up....so here I am, waiting for my One Great Love to show up again. And maybe that's the problem. Do you have to go through many "small loves" in order to build up to that "great love?" Is waiting for love a test of patience and self value?
Everyone says when you stop looking, that's when you find it. But, how do you stop wanting the one part of your life that is missing?
And just like the BIG Hollywood love cliche that I am, I cracked open the binding of a Deepak Chopra book "The Path to Love" to ya know, find the answer in the "spiritual sense" since that's the dramatic option (which I'd obviously opt for) and the first line I read:
You will be in love when you know that you are love.