Wednesday, June 4, 2008
My inner voice, still speaks nerd.
Sometimes I still feel like I'm that thirteen year old girl, with braces, extra lanky arms and legs, glasses (sometimes, blind the others), and eager like a puppy dog 24/7. I had really sweaty hands and was constantly anxious, I would avoid walking down the hall when someone was walking my way and was going to "give me daps", I'd find a corner to turn or a way to magically keep my hands full. I had an extreme unrequited crush (one specifically, but when it wasn't him it was someone else) and though I was "popular" I wore the right things, was friends with everyone, I still felt overlooked and as a result I've let that past perception of myself pour onto my future perception of how people see me.
I had two cute blonde friends (who I still adore, yet have a dormant animosity towards blonde people) and I was the awkward one in the middle, with the dark hair who looked like the Mom. They got the boobs first and had thick ponytails and little waists. Rather than receiving notes, or being pined after, I was relaying the info. I was the messenger, the joke maker, the mediator, the shoulder and the "other one."
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror today and realized; I am not that person anymore. The thing is, I still absolutely FEEL like the awkward nervous, bubbly and irritatingly optimistic young teenager that I was. My insides have forgotten to catch up with the changes on the outside.
The good news, I have more boob now. As a matter of fact, I get a shade of cleavage every now and then depending on how many carbs I eat. I have embraced the parts of me that I thought we awkward and realize they are actually quite endearing. I smile too big sometimes and say all the wrong things, my eyes are huge and ridiculously expressive and show shock/awe anytime I listen intently to a story, I am happy that I crack one liners when I meet new people and I don't mind when people don't understand my humor. I don't need people to like or understand me all the time. Though in the past I'VE felt like the gawky one, I've come to realize it is not me at all. That old crush.....it's him. Those old friends that I felt like didn't take the time of day...thank God they didn't, it would've been a waste.
Today I looked in the mirror and saw a WOMAN. A strong, beautiful, passionate, intelligent woman. I saw a woman who has grown into her skin, who shows her pride through the width of her chest, her compassion and wonder through her eyes, her courage in her energy, and her spirit in her smile. I've come to love my nose, the cheeks, my hands, my voice, my mind and my panache. I'd forgotten to remind my "inner voice" of the truth of who I have become, aided by all of the things that I have been. On the inside I am still that "awkward" kid who says nerdy things but I have also become so much more than that and I rarely celebrate it.
We all have an inner idea of who we "think" we are and more often than not, that idea doesn't match up to the greatness and the truth of who you actually are, and the regard in which others hold you is often higher than your own. So tonight, I had a glass of champagne (at a pub?) and "celebrated" finally living/loving in my own skin.
Who do you identify with on the inside, and who have you become on the outside?