Thursday, June 19, 2008
Part of the Lonely Hearts Club
Oh no, everytime I "forget" that I'm lonely...it starts to creep up again. It's like right about when I think everything is groovy and wonderful that I remember, usually when I'm feeling a bit bored....that I'm actually, quite lonely.
I've talked a lot about wanting love again, etc. Wanting to start dating (not even MORE, just at all) and the truth about my moving back and forth really is; if there were a real reason for me to stay, I would. I'm always considering doing something extreme and when I tell you The Peace Corps, singing on a cruise ship, flying to Rio, and working at a hostel, attempting to work a "merch" table to go on tour, etc. have crossed my mind- I am absolutely serious when I say I've really looked at the details, and been "this close" many times. I even almost made an audition tape to be a dancing pony on the "My Little Pony LIVE!" tour. Yeah.
It's not like I've felt that sense of community yet where if I leave I feel like I'll really be missing out on something. More often than not, I'm left twiddling my thumbs and taking myself on "artist retreats" and "dates," exploring and acting as if everything is just peachy keen. When most of the time, it is. Contradicting to all my "now" type thinking, I know. Then, I stumble upon a day where I realize....wow, it'd be nice to do all of this with someone. Or, it'd be really nice to find a group of people who are all of my same "page." It'd be nice to feel "involved" with something/someone/some group? so much to where I felt I was finally fitting into my "notch." Not niche, but notch, like a little peg and I finally am not a circle attempting to squeeze myself into a triangle.
I've become obsessive with the 60's and 70's, no. Really obsessed. An unofficial spokesperson. Partially because whenever I read, listen or watch anything involved with that era you can sense an energy that everyone is emitting, an excitement....everything is still new. People were unafraid to break the mold, the were groups of creative people popping up everyone giving, promoting "free love" and peace (I'd like to think this isn't all attributed to the LSD and the acid) people were quite fearless and hopeful. Less desensitized, willing to take risks and explore. Creativity was feeding off of other creative energy and people were effortlessly fulfilling their artistry.
While in SD I read Wonderful Tonight by Pattie Boyd, George Harrison and Eric Clapton's ex-wife and though she had an extreme life, turbulent and painful at time, I was ridiculously inspired....I've always loved The Beatles and anything they did, said, or anything affiliated with them. Reading about the behind the scenes and reading about the muse of so many classic songs ("Something" "Layla" etc.) reminded me why I yearn to find that connectedness between people where you are not only inspiring one another but creating, living, learning and growing together. Right now I feel an extreme BLOCK, I'm singing but I need my Bernie Taupin, my Hammerstein, my Astaire. My Paul, John, George and Ringo.
Much of them time I feel like a lone wolf looking for someone with a like mind, hence why I've become so intent on wanting a relationship- when I find the right one, he will be a like mind. I've considered forming a band before and have looked, to no avail have yet to find the right players. You don't just throw together anyone with an instrument and call yourselves Aerosmith. There has to be something much deeper when you're making anything with someone, a sense of understanding and an unspeakable bond of some sort.
And beyond music, I'd like to at least be "in it" and not alone. Funny, coming from someone who has been proudly independant in all aspects, often to a fault. I have built and created my own bubble. Though, I'd be happy to let people in it, just not sure where to find them.