Tuesday, July 22, 2008

How to BE Single


Single women, it's time we start revamping our "image."

Single women, like a firefighter or a nurse, a policeman or a cowboy....have a "costume" too. Sure, we don't strap on our orthopedic shoes or our best set of chaps but we do wrap ourselves in a little cocoon of energy that's just as much of a display as wearing a set of Sesame Street scrubs would be.

Single women can be broken up into two basic categories, with various shades to differentiate them.

1. The single woman who is perfectly happy and content being single, loves the single life, doesn't enjoy cuddling or someone "spooning her while she sleeps" and has "never had a dream of a wedding as a kid." Her image of security in "self" is enviable to those on the other end of the spectrum....some often wonder, if she full of shit? Hm, whatevs, we all do what we need to do when we're in survival mode.

2. Then there's the single woman who, cannot stop talking about why the eff she's single?? She stares longingly at couples who display quirks of affection, like reminding him while shopping at the grocery store together, that he's out of shaving cream and she wonders how much percentage wise they love each other, 80%? 92/12%? This single girl wants nothing more than to not be single.

I'd like to think that I'm a varying degree of both and I lay somewhere in the middle. Often looking like a Viking and other times looking/sounding like a complete frenzied unstable ball of desperation, giving off "love me, love me" to anyone who bothers to look in my direction...then he gets closer and (most of the time) I realize....

I'm not desperate enough to love someone disingenuously. If it's not the most sincere, rawest, truest form of love, it's nothing. I don't need anymore person to complete me, I already am....but shouldn't we be given that outlet to express LOVE?.....

When I came across Liz Tucillo's book "How to Be Single" I knew I needed the lesson. Having already felt semi-enlightened by her other book "He's Just Not That Into You" which is still like new testament of the Bible to me, I knew there would be some gems that would stick. At least until I got wrapped up in one of my "moments" and starting kicking and screaming like a little girl, which I'm known to do when it seems, "fit."

Rather than letting people ask you, "Why are you single?" and then letting that question bury itself into our minds like a tick, growing with each dateless evening, single holiday and wasted plus one's. Right now it's a fact, I am single....but, how am I single?

How do you deal, how to carry yourself....how do you think of yourself. The question isn't WHY, but how to BE, single.

Thus far being bitter or questioning, an unwilling "victim" to loneliness hasn't bode well for me. Getting to the point where you start to say, "well maybe....." to someone you've said NO to for a long time, means you've let the settling sneak its way in.

Here are some of Liz' rules on how to be, single:

1.Make sure you have friends
2. Don't be crazy, no matter how you feel- because it makes us all look bad.
3. Decide what you believe in, then behave accordingly.
4. Get Carried AWAY......
5. Figure out the whole sex thing- when you want it, how to do it, who to do it with. *****
6. Make peace with the statistics, because there really isn't anything we can do about them.
7. Admit that sometimes you feel desperate.
8. There's really so few people that have it all, so try not to bother with that whole envy thing.
9. Not to put pressure on you, but start thinking about the whole motherhood thing. (shit.)
10. Remember that sometimes there are more important things that you and your lousy love life AND get your friends more involved with helping you with lousy love life. ( YEAH, COME ON GUYS.....I'm all for a good matchmaker.)
11. Believe in Miracles.



So tell me, how are YOU single?......or, how were you single?

48 comments:

Essentially Me said...

I'm a little bit of both too but I'm always full of shit.

I'm single by being with my girls and my family and being perfectly happy with that. I no longer look at couples and think "DIE", but rather I smile and and think that they are cute.

I've come a long way. Still full of shit though.

Arielle said...

I was totally number 1. I'm still a number 1 at heart. My wedding? No idea what it will be like. I've never really needed a boyfriend (despite the fact that I have one) and value my independence more than anything else. And I'm not full of shit either.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Arielle- I agree with you. I value my independance mroe than anything as well, that's partially WHY i'm single, I havent found anyone wirth giving that up for.....or at least, that would let me KEEP IT.....does that make sense? And I dont think that you have to give it up, as you haven't, in order to have someone.

H & A said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Princess of the Universe said...

I'm mostly number 1 actually - I really do hate spooning, and I never did dream about my wedding.
Not to say that I don't miss the companionship- but for the most part I'm pretty OK with it.

H & A said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
hjett said...

I'm de-lurking because this post came at the most opportune moment. I was just looking on Borders to help myself find a book about being single/accepting it. I was think He's Just Not That Into You or something of the likes and I came across your post. I'm buying this book after work.

I can honestly say that I am the worst single person you will ever meet. I have a horrible time handling it. And I'm sick of it. It's gonna change. I also have an (almost) 2 year old daughter, and the happier mommy is, the happier baby is! :)

Thank you!

~H

Name: Songer said...

Good post. My friend Andrea from high school wrote a book that sorta embraces the #1 Single Life, called the Hookup Handbook.

She's also coming out with another book called Friend or Frenemy? which you might wanna check out too.

http://www.friendorfrenemy.com/books.html

Trixie Firecracker said...

I'm single because I am at a position where a long term relationship isn't feasible - I'm graduating soon and looking to live anywhere I can find work.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to have a significant other for support, but my friends do a great job filling in, and I find their company more enthralling anyway.

Also, I haven't found anyone worth my time.

paisana said...

OMG, I was so great at being single. When I was in college, there was so much to do that it didn't matter who I went out with (gay boyfriend much?), and after my college sweetheart and I had a nasty, bitter, horrible, drawn-out breakup, I NEVER WANTED TO DATE AGAIN. I had fun going on dates, which usually bit, and I simply didn't care if I was dating someone.

I think the big trick is to have something in the wings that YOU are doing for YOU, and not to find a man. Like, I was overinvolved in graduate school when I met Dr. Bones, and so I absolutely insisted that we take it slow when we first started dating (mostly because I wasn't ready to give up being single).

Worse, there were several times I could point to in our relationship that I could actively say, "If I were single right now..." and MEAN IT, and do it well. But, as with any rational decision, my relationship w/ Dr. Bones is way too important to let go for a few nights of fun at a bar or two. But when I was single, man, I was GREAT at it.

Now that Dr. Bones is going to Medical School in the fall, I need to fall back on those skills to keep myself entertained while he's going to be too busy to think... except NOW, all my idiot friends are married with babies. Pish. Who came up with such a crazy idea?

Paula said...

I'm a bit of both. In a lot of ways, I don't like the way I AM in a relationship. I always go from being the cool one, the one "who is kissed", who is used to being on my own, into the one who ends up eventually sucked into depending on the bloke, then is left devastated when it ends. Now I'm five months out of my last relationship, I'm quite happy being alone again . . . but sometimes I wish I had someone to cuddle at night every so often. And sometimes I do wonder if there's something wrong with me given I've spent most of my 28 years single. But I'm picky. And clearly NOT PICKY ENOUGH judging by my last couple of relationships. . .

Bayjb said...

I might have to check this book out. I make sure, as a single girl, that I have a great network of friends and do'nt lose that if I were to get in a relationship. They are still the most important people to me

Vanessa said...

One of my favorite books about being single is QuirkyAlone by Sasha Cagen. It's about being proud of who you are, not caving to the pressure to be married, kids, etc by a certain age (because ultimately that will make others feel "good" about their choices when they settled and didn't follow their hearts). Above all else, don't settle, stay authentic to yourself. There is also a fabulous ring called Singelringen.com that proudly announces to the world you are single. Singles unite, we are a huge percentage of the population and deserve to be recognized!

voiceinmyhead said...

unlurking here...every time i have some sort of dissapointing moment in dating i dig out the ole "he's just not that into you" because let's face it, sometimes we need to be reminded, that we deserve it all.
is this book worth picking up??

Nico said...

you would think that being a musician would let me pick the cream of the crop but that is SO not the truth (amirite?). i am single because i tend to push people away - self esteem issues, priorities on my own time, high standards, limited reach of meeting new people. there's a lot.

but am i happy? yes. because i feel more like myself when i'm single: free. now, if there were only a way to find someone to be free with...

i'm linking this post to some of my friends who so DESPERATELY need to read this. thanks for the tip on the book, miss chelsea!

Ace said...

Motherhood? Eff that! We are in our 20's, tiny little humans should not be part of the equation. P.S. I hate kids, so maybe I'm biased. But anyways that first one, me to a t. Litterally, down to things I say and do, in fact, you're kind of freaking me out.

Alexis said...

I think once I made peace with the fact that despite however much I wanted to be in a relationship with someone else I was going to have to learn to be in a relationship with myself first, then I could be balanced. It didn't mean I had to stop wanting someone, it just meant learning to be the someone that person would want. If I wanted a "ten" I had to be a "ten." Then I got to be the cool single girl who was independent and happy being herself, on the lookout for someone truly special and not settling for whatever just because I wanted a man.

And then G came along...after, like, three or more years? ;)

BUT I am still a cool independent girl, even though I don't have the "single" title. :)

ablondiemoment said...

I must run out and purchase this book for myself and all of my friends! I definitely fall more in the first category (except I do like spooning) but have friends who fall in the second category and end up listening to them rant on and on about how they will be spinsters forever.

I just surround myself with great friends and fun activities, and remind myself that I won't be single forever and to just enjoy the time I have to do all these fun things.

Mel Heth said...

I used to be a #2 until I got cheated on and then I became a #1...which led me to meeting a great guy. Funny how that works out...

Janie said...

I was feeling down about my ex-boyfriend and was hoping that something on your blog would cheer me up.

And of course, this post came to my rescue. Thank you Chelsea, for reminding me that I don't need anyone to complete me.

Carrie said...

I was single FOREVER until I met my current boyfriend. At times I was incredibly sad and frustrated, but most of the time I think I dealt with it pretty well. I kept myself busy with friends and family and random classes and such, which I think helped A LOT. I basically didn't want to waste my time with a guy who wasn't compatible with me just because I was lonely...and I think it paid off. I know myself pretty well because of all that time as a single girl.

Surfergrrl said...

I was #2 in my 20's but now that i'm in my late 30's I'm mostly #1, although I always enjoy intimacy. Of course i'm not starting to see my friends who i was envious of in my 20's who were getting married, now starting to get divorced. I'm in a very good place of enjoying my friends and activities that whatever happens...happens. Not going to wish for it or resist it when it happens. of course it helps i don't want kids. all in all i feel pretty lucky.

redstaplernation said...

I don't read the "single" books and I have to say, I'm not sure why. Every time I read someone's thoughts on a book like this, I think I ought to get it, that it might prompt some insights, blah. I'm usually not completely single - there is often a boy around in some capacity or another. But aside from fidelity, I FEEL single a lot, even if I'm in a relationship - and that's the emotional thing, the part of me who wants to be single girl #1 even when there's a great guy in my life.

Rambling on...

Marcheline said...

I'm sorry.... WHO SAYS we don't strap on our favorite pair of chaps?

I always did!

And guess who's NOT SINGLE NOW?

Ha! 8-)

- M

nicoleantoinette said...

Relationships are fucking hard. Which is how I go about being single, remembering all the work that relationships take and all the pain that comes with ending them.

Oh, and I eat those Mac & Cheese crackers.

Chele said...

I used to be number 2, now I am number 1. I love being single, I love being with my girls and having the best time of my life not worrying about having to be considerate about someone else. It is all about me me me and I love that.
Yes, I do get lonely but that is just human.

MissNev said...

I'm very badly single. Not handling it well at all. I was amazingly single before I was coupled, but I gave my heart and it was crushed...pulverized. Unfortunately, I gave all my heart and I have nothing to hold onto. I keep saying it is still so new and I just need time to get over it, but it's been almost 6 months and it still feels like it was yesterday. I'm reluctantly single. I'm hoping to embrace it soon; or at least accept it. I'm not even angry yet.

Kim said...

I am a miserable single person, I long for the marriage and the perfect house/dog/husband/kids/whatever. In the same breath I'm also a 'Thank You God I can go out tonight and not have to explain who, where and when I'll be back' single person as well. :-)

After about 6 months of being back on the market now...I'm bored and what someone to entertain me, is that wrong? Lol.

Kyla Bea said...

I've definitely been a mix of #1 and #2 - but the funny thing for me was that I followed those steps unknowingly and the moment I got confident and happy in myself I met my fiance. Here here for believing in miracles!

Chrissie said...

I was a mix of both types of single for sure, depending on the day (or my cycle;) but all I know is that you need to be HAPPY to get a man, plain and simple.

They don't want the chick who's tough or looking, they want the chick who is smiling.

And now, because of this realization, I have a man and I smile with him!

diamondlife said...

Well,I thought about it, and then I
invented the first and only diamond ring to buy for yourself when you're A,available and h, happy...The Ah Ring®. You wear it on your pinkie, because married and engaged women have rings, I wondered why there wasn't one for single women..so I made one. See it at www.divinediamonds.com

Melissa Leeanne said...

Though I'm not 100% unattached and there is a possibility that some boy considers me his girlfriend (we need to talk - badly) I am even now very good at being single. I love the single life and even when I have been in relationships (never serious) in the past I have still behaved much like a single girl would, I still flirted and went out with the girls... I just had someone to spoon with (because who doesn't like spooning???) and someone who treated me nicely.

Oh, and the motherhood thing? SCARY. I'll think about it when I'm ready, lady!

And as for being one type or the other... I think it is pretty natural to be somewhere in between - who fits neatly into categories anyway? I'm always spilling out.

irunwithscissors said...

Im definitely somewhere between the two groups.... But I will never settle... if its not the real thing, its just not worth it!

Joy @ Big Time Fancy said...

I'm both.
I've been single for YEARS and while I certainly know how to function and have fun as a single girl, I DESPERATELY want to not be single anymore. It really depends on the day.

JK said...

I turn my phone off when I'm feeling those desperate moments. This way I'm admitting that it's happening but not being a crazy chick.

I also think timing has a huge part in why many people are single.

kokostiletto said...

"2. Don't be crazy, no matter how you feel- because it makes us all look bad."


this is freaking hilarious - b/c it's so true!!!!

i would love to BE single!

pbandrazz said...

I'm definitely a mix of the two, but definitely leaning more toward the latter.

And me? I rock single like I'm fabulous. As much as I would like to be not single, that's not the current state of affairs. So I might as well embrace it, right?

Sassy Molassy said...

I am single because I run. Run for miles and run from relationships. I'm single because I'm independent. Because I expect a lot and don't settle for less than I deserve or desire. Because I'm terrified of intimacy. Because I'm not willing to put myself on the line if I don't see a future with that person. It's not fair to either of us.

Obviously, I side more with #1, but desperately hope to be unsingle like #2 does...any year now.

SF said...

When I was single, I loved it! Going out, dancing with strange boys, making out with strange boys.. lol..

Lisa said...

I was single single single and so not wanting to be for so damn long. And when I finally got to a place where I started liking myself and feeling pretty good when I was just me, I met the guy I'm now marrying. It took me a really long time and a lot of emotional work to get myself together - but if I hadn't, I'd never have been able to really appreciate or be appreciated.

Mike said...

How am I single?

I'm not nearly ready to open my medicine cabinet and find tampons, to be forced to paint any room in my house some gay pastel colour, to put anything made of wicker in my place, to come home to a fucking jungle in my front and back yard, and hanging flower baskets everywhere.

Occasional company is good enuff for now ;)

Jess said...

I was a balance of the two. I wanted to date someone, but I didn't feel desperate about it. And I had never once imagined my wedding. I think most people fall somewhere in the middle of the extremes of anything that gets portrayed in the media.

ashley said...

Yeah. I guess I was a little bit of both. I loved being single most of the time but there were those days were I just felt lonely. Sometimes..I wish I still had that freedom though.

Alaina said...

I guess I'm just as happy BEING single than those I know who are married. Happy sometimes, unhappy sometimes. That's life. We aren't going to be happy all the time... point is to enjoy where you are, because when you get past it you are going to wish you had been happy in it. I choose to be happy and if it's single or married, it doesn't much matter.

countrymouse said...

I was always #1. I didn't need a boyfriend, they were usually more trouble then they were worth. I never wanted to get married. Lo and behold I met someone and all that changed, but i still got to keep who i really am. I was never sad to be single. I enjoyed it.

m.b. said...

I used to give "he's just not that into you" to my single friends for special occasions... like breakups. dating propaganda? maybe. but i still love it, and so do they.

BNY said...

I've often found that I find someone when I am not looking ... I stop looking ... and there he is.

emmaenlighted said...

I was single last Fall, I had a purpose - I was going on a MAN-CLEANSE. I was determined to stay single for a whole seven months. No compromises, no complications, no sex - out and out MAN CLEANSE.

Five days into the cleanse I met my now-boyfriend, but I ignored him for a month. My roommate though I was missing out, though I should GET OUT, that the man-cleanse was insanity talking, and well, needless to say I stopped ignoring him after the first month and decided that men maybe weren't so bad after all.

And it might be bullcrap, and it's always the cliche people say, but the last three times I wasn't looking, it just happened.

 
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