Thursday, July 24, 2008

Love goes 'round and 'round


My equilibrium has been a little thrown off it's CENTER. Like a kid who can't get enough of the merry-go-round, I am staggering with dizziness.

The Ex has entered the picture again. Oh yes. We're a human version of a merry-go-round, a love-go-round if you will. I debated whether or not to write about this, alas, I continue to expose myself and flash you my glistening wounds and intimate details to my intimate world wide web. I'm so shy.

In case you weren't reading when we cut ties, I'll give you an update, in a very, tiny, minuscule nutshell of course: The Ex and I were on off, on off, crazy in love, crazy disappointed with each other, on the same page and then magically in completely separate books- in different languages, for a long time. Divine timing was giving us no blessings ever. One was always one step ahead while the other was fifteen steps behind.

The last I thought we were on the same page, we were not. I was going to move to Seattle to take that big old leap head first into all things looove and when I received a phone from him saying it "wasn't a good idea....but we'll talk later." I was, needless to say, quite crushed. But not nearly as crushed as I would be when we just never. called. back. Ever, only to get back together with a girl he'd only been dating a couple months.

I'd never experienced such soaring highs of love or such deep pain from a person in my life.

When I received the latest email from him with an, "I'm really sorry for what I did." It was the largest ton of bricks off of my heart. It filled a vacant, black hole with at least some peace and clarity. He went on to explain, or try to, where he was at. Trying to make me understand.

I do forgive him. Everyone thinks that's "insanity". Most of my friends said I should give him the big finger and a "have a nice life" email. But I don't deal with people that way, especially not people who I've loved so much I would jump in front of a bus for them, if they asked me to. A small bus of course.

I've been wearing this Energy Muse necklace that my mom got for me 10 days ago exactly. The necklace is made up of different stones meaning different things, it's blessed and created with an intention and is supposed to be worn for ten days.....the meaning of my necklace- attraction in love.

Day #4-7 I heard from him, we reopened the lines of communication. Day #7 the cat we had, that had disappeared a year ago, returned. Strange getting that phone call, "we have your cat...." My cat? what? Day #9 I see his old best friend.

Day #10......I can't stop thinking about him.

So what now? I've released any anger, I've been given some peace of mind and a long awaited apology. Is this what closure looks like? Should I be feeling some sort of relief that now I can start dating with barely visible scars and no signs of bitterness? Are we supposed to go back to being strangers or are we supposed to try and be friends??

If this is it, why can't I manage to keep him out of my head for more than 10 minutes......

40 comments:

Arielle said...

This sounds dangerous, in the way that getting back into old flame territory can sometimes be. But whatever happens, I hope it goes well!

blueey424 said...

Chels...be cautious. That's all. Love me some you!

Mike said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Essentially Me said...

Because the old wounds are re-opened again. That's why you can't stop thinking about him. Just be careful. No guy who truly cares about you should leave you high and dry like that.

Melain said...

He owns real estate in your heart. Any fresh memories are going to dredge up all kinds of emotions, no matter how healed you are, or how old this story gets.

All it means is that he is an important piece of love's history, and healing this is important to love's future. This is a great thing. Don't try to be friends. Just let it heal you, and let it go. That's what I would do. I'll know you'll do the right thing for you.

nicoleantoinette said...

Ooo, Chelsea. I have very mixed feelings about this. Ultimately, you know what's best for you (or at least you have to be the one to make and live with your decisions), but I love you and don't want to see you hurt.

xoxo

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

blueey- I love you too.

Nicoleantoinette- I love you tooooo!!

Essentially me- You have a very good point

Melain- I think that's very true. It is a part of healing that I did NEED.

love all around.

Here's the thing, there really isn't any caution or warning to be had, because HONESTLY the last I heard and know is that his feelings have changed, so it's not like those doors are opening again. Its just that my brain is on, him?

Alexis said...

Yeah, in line with what everyone else said. I think it's good to have that closure, it feels good and you will end up thinking about him a lot because it's someone that was out of your life and has made a sudden return. But, from experience, it might be best to just leave it at that...being a little more than civil with each other. Because, yeah, you were in love and he was a very important part of your life for a long time, but if turns out to not be healthy for you (which only you can really gauge that) then it's best to cut ties and hold on to the really good memories.

I went through something really similar with my Ex. He came back into my life and was sincerely apologetic and I forgave him, but ultimately even our friendship was pretty toxic for both of us. So I told him we should sort of delete each other from our lives so we could both live healthy one. I won't abandon the sweet memories, but I won't sacrifice my emotional health for all that.

In the end, you'll know what's best. ;)

Love ya!
(Sorry to write you a book of a comment, ha!)

Lyla Lou said...

Wow, I've recently put myself in a similar situation with my ex. I love your descrption of the merry-go-round that is the off and on of hard love. I'm off of it again and it hurts more than ever, I wish I had the clarity and release of anger that you describe.

Kyla Bea said...

That is such a tough one - but I don't think that it's closure. It's a relief that he cares and has given you thought, and that's wonderful! But I might let a little more time pass between you - as friends or just in giving your heart some space - before you contemplate diving in emotionally.

Your heart is doing what it knows how to do, not necessarily what's best for you. Getting back in touch with those people is sort of like having someone come back from the brink of death - you want to get back into the thick of it right away! It's totally understandable but it might be a good time to take a few deep breaths and make yourself wait a little.

I have an ex who is like this, we were mostly friends and then involved over a short period of time - and 3 years later we're now extremely close and have worked out all of our silliness. My finance and I hang out with him regularly and everything is great, but it took a very, very long time.

You're obviously feeling the pull, so I say be friends! But let him prove himself to you by his actions over a number of months, not by his words in a matter of days.

ashley said...

Why does it all have to be so incredibly hard? I'm really hoping that you figure things out soon and it's all in the sake of your heart.

kimmers said...

Just found your blog today... I can definitely relate to how you are feeling. There are some relationships that really stick with you for a long time I think. I'm glad you at least feel like this has brought you some closure. I'll definitely have to surf through your archives for the full version of this story!

Kimmers said...

Just found your blog today... I can definitely relate to how you are feeling. There are some relationships that really stick with you for a long time I think. I'm glad you at least feel like this has brought you some closure. I'll definitely have to surf through your archives for the full version of this story!

ChasingParadise said...

I think you just got your closure. I agree with others -- no one who truly respects you would ever leave you hanging like that. The reason you can't stop thinking about him? Because you're just NOW getting answers from him...so that old wound you thought was healed? It wasn't really. It was just waiting for answers. Now you can move on. Ugh, love lost. I wish you the best.

On the other hand? That necklace? holy shit I hope they have one for MONEY!

C said...

You have no idea how much I relate to what you're saying. My ex was at army bootcamp and now he's out and back at home and he's calling. I don't think I ever really got over him, but I know what you mean about throwing yourself in front of a bus for someone. I'm seeing him next weekend. Is that a terrible idea? Totally. But I just can't keep him out of my head. It's like he's not even the same person that he was when we dated.

Coconut said...

Ugh, I hope you find some clarity soon :O(

Meeks said...

I have a similar situation and cannot stand the warnings myself, so will give you none. Just wish you the best and that you do what's best for YOU, not everyone around you.

Spirophita said...

No good ever comes out of bringing an ex back into your life. Someone who can hurt you that badly is not a good person for you and isn't a healthy choice.

I've had to learn the same thing over and over again, but I've finally got it. LOL.

It's like when you see someone walking towards a huge cliff. RUN!

Katelin said...

this totally sounds like something i would have done. sometimes it's the worst people that you can't get over and can't really live with or without. hopefully you'll figure it out without getting hurt. good luck.

Anonymous said...

Hey Chelsea, I think I'd be much happier about the lost cat being found than the ex. That necklace sounds magic!!!

JK said...

These type of situations almost never end well but if you're willing to take the risk that yours may be one of the good ones, do it. You only live once. Just know that statistically it's bound to end badly. The upside that if it doesn't, it could be one of the most beautiful things ever.

moxie said...

Not to set up weirdness, but you're gonna end up with him. Know why? "I'd never experienced such soaring highs of love or such deep pain from a person in my life."

Been there. It'll come together. Then you'll look back on the ups and downs and marvel at the power you have over each other, the power you give each other. Mmm. It's a bitch, but that's true love, honey.

Stephanie said...

Wow, that's a tough one.. Do whatever you think is best.

Bianca Reagan said...

In the words of the idiotic Greg Behrendt, "It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken". If you keep breaking up, it's for a reason, or more likely for multiple reasons.

Also, I liked your single post. :)

bex said...

the general consensus appears to be that you should let it go. given that, the best way to go about it is to find a REALLY fun (and really hot) distraction.

p.s. hi, and i love your blog.

MsPuddin said...

ha welcome to the club, it meets every friday. i decided to stop filling my friends in on every intimate detail of my love life. we are here to make mistakes. follow your heart, forgive but dont forget.

ok could i sound anymore cliche? whatever, just becareful, but I understand where you are coming from.

redstaplernation said...

I've been there and handled it a LOT worse than you are doing. Those are treacherous waters, and kudos to you for both being careful and not being afraid to get your feet wet again.

Take care of you :o)

Bayjb said...

Wow he's back in the picture. I know you know this but just be careful and put boundaries on the contact you have with him so you don't get hurt again.

Princess Pointful said...

It is funny how life sometimes seems like it is conspiring to make you reminisce. However, remembering the good isn't the same as deciding to try it again.

ÄsK AliCë said...

Ex's are always dengerous territory. Although I don't know the whole story (I'm sure there's way more to it) I can empathize. How can you just forget about someone who meant so much at one point in your life? It's tough, if not impossible.

petite polonaise said...

you don't have to make a decision in this very moment what you will do with him, if anything at all.
and...it's okay to forgive people, even ones who hurt us so badly. especially ones you loved so much.

Melissa Leeanne said...

I have one of those. His name is Mr. A. We've had the highs and the lows and once he got back from a month and a half in Europe he called me up that day. I couldn't help but give him another chance, but now I'm questioning myself.

I think that for me, it's a sign that I won't tell one of my best friends and former roommate because she won't approve.

It may also be a sign that I realized that I probably sound like a no-self-esteem, masochistic, idiot for always allowing him back into my life.

I've had terrible luck with being together and being apart, so I'm working toward getting my closure right now. Maybe.

My thoughts on the matter:
Only you will know for sure how close you can be to this person without getting hurt, it is usually a matter of trial and error until you finally get it right. Good luck.

bodelou said...

just found your blog on my google reader recommendations, and it seems you have a lot going on in your life that goes on in mine. especially in the ways of exes. i have to go back to this true fact of life.

if you were friends before, you can be friends after. if not, then you cant. you can forgive him either way. and just that release of letting go of the situation will make you feel better, and consequently you may not know where or how to direct your emotions for him. leave them in the back seat, because ultimately, do you remember how much it hurt? and do you really want to rehash all of that (with the same person) it wont be new baggage (like it could become with someone new,) but the same smelly shit he took with him when he left.

hang in there, sista friend

Joy @ Big Time Fancy said...

Be careful.

I've got an ex like this, myself, and he is the greatest poison my life has ever known. No one I know can make me so complete and so empty at the same time. I take all his words with a grain of salt because it's the only way I can talk to him without throwing myself at him.

Be careful, girly. Don't make big decisions regarding him unless he's a sure thing. And people who are on and off and on are usually NOT sure things.

WB said...

my Ex and I are in a similar situation, but we still are cut off from contact. It sucks and some days my mind goes to him, to us before everything went badly. :/

I don't know your full situation with this Ex of yours, but if you say "I'd never experienced such soaring highs of love or such deep pain from a person in my life." Than I guess you just have to consider both, you loved this guy the best and you were hurt by this guy the most. So I don't know, I'm no expert in this whole thing. Since I don't even know if/when my Ex and I reconnect if I want him to be part of my life. So just go with what your heart (or gut instinct) is saying. That usually works.

(sorry for the ramble comment, haha.)

Alya said...

well, its no surprise that you keep thinking about him. After all, he was once a huge important chunk of your life. And not to mention a "love of your life" person..

But I think that just because you think about him, doesnt mean that you want him. Maybe you want the good times that you had - and I hope they were more than the good ones - otherwise its not a great idea to go for it.

Whatever you do, you're the only one who knows best. Good luck! ;)

Vanessa said...

This reminds me of the lyrics to a song called EF Eridanus by Taylor Giacoma. It's about a binary star (2) who constantly circles, sometimes spinning closer together and sometimes moving farther apart, but no matter what staying in orbit around each other. Good luck with whatever becomes of it.

emmaenlighted said...

Oh, I know exactly what you mean/feel. You're a better person than me though, I'm not quite as forgiving. But overall, in the end, things turned out well. I hope turn out beyond well for you. :)

emmaenlighted said...

* I hope things turn out well beyond for you* is what I meant. :)

Melissa Leeanne said...

Because it is relevant:

I broke it off with Mr. A. Via text message.

That's when he wants to talk and wants to say sorry, but after this discussion here, I know that I made the right decision in calling it off for good.

Also, I felt incredibly free after I said it was over.

 
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