Thursday, July 24, 2008
Love goes 'round and 'round
My equilibrium has been a little thrown off it's CENTER. Like a kid who can't get enough of the merry-go-round, I am staggering with dizziness.
The Ex has entered the picture again. Oh yes. We're a human version of a merry-go-round, a love-go-round if you will. I debated whether or not to write about this, alas, I continue to expose myself and flash you my glistening wounds and intimate details to my intimate world wide web. I'm so shy.
In case you weren't reading when we cut ties, I'll give you an update, in a very, tiny, minuscule nutshell of course: The Ex and I were on off, on off, crazy in love, crazy disappointed with each other, on the same page and then magically in completely separate books- in different languages, for a long time. Divine timing was giving us no blessings ever. One was always one step ahead while the other was fifteen steps behind.
The last I thought we were on the same page, we were not. I was going to move to Seattle to take that big old leap head first into all things looove and when I received a phone from him saying it "wasn't a good idea....but we'll talk later." I was, needless to say, quite crushed. But not nearly as crushed as I would be when we just never. called. back. Ever, only to get back together with a girl he'd only been dating a couple months.
I'd never experienced such soaring highs of love or such deep pain from a person in my life.
When I received the latest email from him with an, "I'm really sorry for what I did." It was the largest ton of bricks off of my heart. It filled a vacant, black hole with at least some peace and clarity. He went on to explain, or try to, where he was at. Trying to make me understand.
I do forgive him. Everyone thinks that's "insanity". Most of my friends said I should give him the big finger and a "have a nice life" email. But I don't deal with people that way, especially not people who I've loved so much I would jump in front of a bus for them, if they asked me to. A small bus of course.
I've been wearing this Energy Muse necklace that my mom got for me 10 days ago exactly. The necklace is made up of different stones meaning different things, it's blessed and created with an intention and is supposed to be worn for ten days.....the meaning of my necklace- attraction in love.
Day #4-7 I heard from him, we reopened the lines of communication. Day #7 the cat we had, that had disappeared a year ago, returned. Strange getting that phone call, "we have your cat...." My cat? what? Day #9 I see his old best friend.
Day #10......I can't stop thinking about him.
So what now? I've released any anger, I've been given some peace of mind and a long awaited apology. Is this what closure looks like? Should I be feeling some sort of relief that now I can start dating with barely visible scars and no signs of bitterness? Are we supposed to go back to being strangers or are we supposed to try and be friends??
If this is it, why can't I manage to keep him out of my head for more than 10 minutes......