Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Preservatif????


Call it the symptom of a writer, or a tortured artist, or what have you in the laundry list of cliches, but I am an insomniac. Truly.

The irritating part? I'm not the type of insomniac whose productive. For instance; "I'm not going to sleep so hey, maybe I'll clean" (fuck that, I work better with THINGS scattered about), or hey, I'm going to create a budget for my BIG ASS trip, since I tend to have no concept of money and time. Or either freestanding. They are the least of my concerns as I like to soak in whatever it is I'm doing, which is why I have found a way to remain mostly plan less the past two years. Which has worked out rather productively.

So now that there is a plan on the horizon....holy gigantour balls, there are times when I feel the onslaught of a minor case of tourettes and insanity.


Naturally, when I should be thinking about all of the logistical things like....oh, where I plan on sleeping- instead of spending half of my sleep time on overnight trains (which may not be a terrible idea, if I learn some Judo and buy dry shampoo), but I would also like to get some foreign ass while in Europe, (since my luck as of late would have science calling me "reverginized.") and I'd like to smell like sugar cookies and lilacs while "doing it."

Which brings me to what I've been thinking about, instead of the things that will prevent me from blowing my money on a Hermes scarf:

How many (if any) condoms do you take with you on a really long trip like this? I've already looked up how to say "condom" in foreign languages just in case "RUBBER" gets lost in translation, but I imagine that in the throws of passion "preservativo" may slip my mind and also knock down about 50 sexy points... meanwhile, something else slips and bam I come back with a little Portuguese baby. We'd have a problem.
Sorry for my very revealing visual, but this is a serious concern. Do you pack them? Carry one next to your passport, your whistle and your "emergency" cash? Or do you avoid all temptation and play "lesbian" or "nun in training on mission, headed to the Vatican. After I take my shot of ouzo."

I think not.

Also, while I could have been scouring travel books for exchange rates, safety tips, and a bevy of useful information....I decided to write on my hand (since paper would have been wasteful, I'm going green) what LIQUOR each country specializes in. Since obviously, I'd need to reminisce about my new found whoriness over native cocktails.

The other 50% of my time, my mind thinks about cake. Since, I have an obsession with it.

Most people wake up in the morning and think about brushing their teeth, stretching, saying hello to Jesus, "thanks for the day, don't hit me with any cars." But no, I....often trump all of the above (teeth brushing included) with my distraction for anything covered in icing.

Basically, all I'm saying...is that, if the rest of my time goes on like this, prepare to read tales of disaster and drunk blogging while overseas, oh and meet my French baby, Mirette.

To ease my mind, any pastries, liquors or.....men (other than the statue of David, been there done that), that I should know about???



43 comments:

kilax said...

I remember they were expensive in Italy... I am not sure where you are going or home long you will be gone, but maybe pack a box of your fav kind? :)

Camels & Chocolate said...

Funny you should ask ;-)
http://www.forbestraveler.com/food-drink/signature-drinks-story.html

Also, that's hilarious...I always carried a condom in my wallet, but I never seemed to need it. It's like if I was prepared, I was destined not to get any, ya know?

Train sleepers are actually quite comfortable and nicer than some hostels. And a great time saver, too. Also, you could always meet a hottie on a train, I know of people it's happened to =)

Ben said...

You should know that where there are accents, there will be sex. Bring your perservatives. I mean condoms.

Maxie said...

I've heard the pastries are amazing in France. My co-worker spent a summer there and said it was one of the best parts.

And I totally agree with Ben-- bring the condoms. Accents equal sex.

deutlich said...

definitely pack a box yourself. better safe than sorry ;)

although - it's not uncommon to find condom dispensers in the bathroom next to tampon dispensers... I'd still suggest bringing your own

1scrambledegg said...

Thanks for the add on 20sb!
Your life sounds incredibly like my fantasies... I hope your trip is amazing! And, since amazingness generally consists of sex, I would pack some condoms. And maybe a loose-fitting but still totally hot dress? Just in case the pastries get out of control...

Trixie Firecracker said...

Italy - Barolos, Barberescos, Proseccos, Chiantis, well the list goes on. As for the condoms thing - bring them. Better safe than sorry, better embarassed than pregnant.

Rose said...

In london there is a place called Ben's Cookies. IT IS AMAZING. I held off from trying them cause they are a little on the expensive side, but they are the best cookies I have ever had. EVER. I drank lots of wine when I was abroad. Mostly because it was cheap, but if you should also try Stongbow. It's a cider drink they have on tap on a lot of places. It's really good. I could keep going but now I miss London and want to go back. You're going to have a blast!

DJSassafrass said...

Counting on you to be an International Bootyslayer--there are so few left in the world.

Nils said...

remember that movie children of men where the world suddenly became sterile? by "world" they really meant europe, and it wasn't even set in the future. the message here?

all europeans are sterile, just like in the movies. leave the rubbers at home and throw your loins to the Mediterranean winds.

Hillary said...

On a warm, sunny day you must watch some sort of sporting event while drinking Pimm's. Blissful. And when someone asks you what time it is? You say it's Pimm's-o-clock.

addy said...

(1) Overnight trains in Europe have always worked magic for me - they tend to be decently safe, and I've traveled by myself on them too. Sleep on the top bunk if you can.

2) Bring some condoms with you... like a box maybe? There are lots of bathrooms around Europe with condom vending machines, but you never know!

Heidi said...

It is nice to know that someone thinks like me when planning for a big trip. I am packing a few profilattici just in case. As many have agreed, accents=sex.
BTW, I am going to check out CouchSurfing too...I spoke with my friend in Vietnam and it is quite popular in southeast asia and safe. He is a host himself and will often try to take the traveler around town or at least spend time with them giving advice on where to go, etc. He said it is ok to ask to meet the person for coffee before deciding to stay at their place.

I leave on Sunday night/Monday morning and do not have 1 sleeping arrangement made for the next two months (except for when I am volunteering). I would assume that reservations would be necessary in Europe as it is the high season?

Mike said...

European people don't have as many razors and soap as we do here in North America.

Buy extra rubbers to shove up your nose.

Also, I've never seen anybody take 3 paragraphs to say "I want to have sex with foreign men after getting drunk".

You need to write for politicians.

Katelin said...

i had some amazing pastries in germany, granted i was staying in bavaria and they sort of specialize in it. and how about keeping a condom next to your passport, that'd be interesting going through customs, haha.

mentalTHREESIXTY said...

Buy one of those 12 pack boxes. Put 6 in you suitcase. And if you carry 3 hand bags place 2 in each. Oh, and then just buy 1 extra to place at the back of your passport. You're all set!

SA said...

Yeah, take the condoms with you.

I've heard the food in France is amazing. A friend of mine said the best food she ate in the country was outside of Paris, so try to get a meal outside of the capital.

brandy said...

Bring condoms, but not more than a box- you can get them everywhere in Europe. I spent many nights on the train, the French trains were by FAR the cleanest and nicest. The trains of Spain scared me and we broke down once or twice. On the plus side, the Spanish men were definitely most worthy of the condom. I don't know your whole itinerary, but if you get a chance, go to Cinque Terra in Italy. It's brilliant for culture, food and relaxing. And Barcelona is fantastic for partying.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Brandy- YESSSS IVE BEEN TO CINQUETERRE!!!! I LOVED IT, Its amazingly beautiful.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Brandy- YESSSS IVE BEEN TO CINQUETERRE!!!! I LOVED IT, Its amazingly beautiful.

Surfergrrl said...

I love your travel priorities. ha ha!!! well, you can kill two birds with one stone regarding sleeping arrangements. If you get laid, bam, you have a place to sleep. unless he's a jerk. :) Maybe start with 9 packed away and one that is available quickly.

Surfergrrl said...

BTW, if you go back to Cinque Terre, beware of Ivo, the bartender at Bar Central in Riomaggiore. :)

JK said...

Famous people's cures for insomnia:

Groucho Marx- called people to insult them.

W.C. Fields- Set up a garden hose to spray a beach umbrella and the slept underneath it.

Lyla Lou said...

Lots and lots of condoms. Better safe than sorry. Although isn't Plan B more readily available in most other countries? It might be good to know where to find a backup plan. Now I must go eat a cup-cake. This is what always happens when I read your blog. Confetti cake style with white frosting. Yum, so simple but soooo good.

Chardsy said...

You MUST check out the show "Three Sheets". This guy goes to different countries, learns their drinking customs and tells you what you must do in each country. The host is hilarious. I LOVE the show. You can watch it on hulu.com (damn, I sound like a commercial). Trust me, you will love it.

I LOVE that you are obsessing over how many condoms to bring. That would have totally slipped my mind. Kudos.

**Melissa** said...

I'm so jealous! I have never been to Europe... hopefully next year, I might go to Germany :-)
Either way, I'm loving your blog and you HAVE to tell us everything about your trip :-)

La Petite Chic said...

Chardsy is right...Three Sheets is the funniest damn show! I've learned a lot about what to drink where just by watching. The host is hilarious. And my husband made me buy him his very own Pleepleus (drinking monkey) to take along on trips.

La Petite Chic said...

And yeah, I'm feeling a little jealous at your prospects of sleeping with hot foreign men. Le sigh.

Alexandreena said...

I tend to bring a few. There isn't really a shortage of condoms in Europe nowadays.

ashley said...

So I love you. You made my day. You're hilarious.

nicoleantoinette said...

I can't believe somebody already said Strongbow. I fucking LOVE Strongbow.

Interesting dilemma about the condoms. They're small though, so you could probably pack a lot and have it not really take up much space.

Speaking of- how big of a bag are you bringing? Have you thought about this at all? I should clearly just email you as I get closer and closer to deciding to come with you.

And, um, I love cake too.

BurningSky said...

You can ride trains for FREE in Europe. It's called train hopping, and personal experience has told me that it works %100 of the time. I explain how to do it here.
...

I know it sounds scary, but, with an American passport, it REALLY WORKS..:-)

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Um ok. CHRADSY, I watched Three Sheets and it is the most HYSTERICALLLLL SHOW. EVER. So, thank you. lol.

AND.....I LOOOOOVVVVVE STRONGBOW!!!! I DRINK THAT HERE, Usually some sort of cider of Miller lite. lol.

thank you everyone!

Bayjb said...

If you're in Germany and hear the term "tueren scliessen selbstaetig" get your ass in that train because the doors are closing.

Plus, I'm sure the word "condom" translates in EVERY language :)

moxie said...

Mm. Icing.

Yeah, pack that shit.

the almost right word said...

i lived in south america for a year. let me recommend that you most definitely do not "play lesbian," or "nun" for that matter. definitely bring condoms with you. a giant size box (it's better to be over prepared than under prepared, right? no sexual innuendo intended..)

as for the booze: italian wines kick ass. try a barolo if you can, or a valpoicella ripasso. prosecco is the italian champagne, it's good too (i've worked in an italian restaurant, and now, a spanish restaurant...ask me almost anything).

score some absinthe somewhere too, cause i think it's legal over there.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

ahhh yes very good suggestion indeed, Italian wine does kick ass and prosecco (next to sangria) is my favorite drink. I've been to Italy a few times and basked in many glasses of vino.

I tried absinthe in Austria also...ooo maaaann....not. a. fan, THOUGH- It's actually legal in the states now also :)

mn said...

that is like, the weirdest priority i have ever had anybody reveal before a big move or travel.
i am sure they are in ample supply there. just know that sometimes in customs, they like actually put their hands on your clothing and open it in front of other people. not sure if they do it on way to london, but i wouldn't put it past british customs to not follow that security tactic.
it was the norm in many countries when i traveled.

the almost right word said...

yeah, the restaurant i work at has started serving absinthe. however, the alcoholic content differs greatly to that in europe. i hear their shit is crazy!!

just me said...

Don't eat the blue cheese in France....you'll want to puke all day.


We need to hang out before you leeaaveeeeeee

figment said...

whatever you do, AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE a frenchman named Antoine Magd Savy. you'll thank me later.

emmaenlighted said...

My roommate always carried about 20 - 40 condoms on her. Just in case anyone needed them.

Have fun! :)

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