Monday, August 25, 2008
Eyes Wide Open
"What should I say?"
"Well, text messages are really tricky....I think it's best if your respond. But don't put the period. Just OK, no A Y. Ok sounds tough and neutral. It isn't angry, it isn't happy. It's a nice tone of gray."
"What about, 'Ok. I understand.' or fuck, 'Okay? I understand. No, what about saying, 'Okie Dokie.'"
"Do you understand?"
"No, I don't fucking understand. But if I say I understand I sound diplomatic....and nice."
"You don't want to sound diplomatic and nice....'I understand' makes you sound weak and forgiving. If anything you should be responding with, 'I'm hiding under your car and I'm going to cut your Achilles. Or, I want to wax your shaft and watch you grimace from the inconceivable amount of pain you're going to experience.' Yeah, you should definitely say that."
See everyone, this is what friends are for. They are there to get you drunk on cheap Bud Light and help censor your all too truthful text messaging to a fallen love. Texting while inebriated or emotionally fragile is a lethal combination. Had I not had my two loyal steads to harness my overly emotive, EFFUSIVE, beast of a wounded Misery Monster, I would have left the doors of communication open and swinging on their hinges, Old Western style.
When did matters of the heart become such a trite subject deserving of a stoic, entirely unfeeling, text message.
Not only does it minimize the situation but it leaves too much room for analyzing. Any ellipsis, yes over yeah, sorry over 'so sorry', makes you question everything said and everything unsaid. The intention behind the excessive use of punctuation or lack thereof is grounds for serious dissection.
The worst part, is that sometimes all that's said, is all that they meant.
He didn't forget to tell you that he actually adores you, he didn't lose reception when he meant to say "I still want you in my life, I just need to take it slower." He said exactly what he meant. Nothing more, nothing less. It didn't skip is mind that if he wanted to be with you he would, he just doesn't. He doesn't have someone beating his hand every time he thinks about picking up the phone to call, he just isn't calling. If he cared, he would be caring.
In love the only person who fools us is usually ourselves. It's easier to make an excuse for someone with your squeezed tightly shut, to really convince yourself that your excuse has a glimmer of truth. In the beginning it may feel safer to dive head first with your eye closed so you don't know the exact depth of the pool. So that the truth of how consumed you could actually get doesn't scare you before you give it a chance.
This time though, diving and all, I didn't miss a beat. I saw everything. I didn't convince myself that everything he didn't say was waiting in the curtains for the "right time." I didn't over simplify or justify anything that would just send me into an even sadder version of a never ending sequel starring him and I.
You can go on wanting what you can't have, cursing divine timing or plotting ways to get him back....or you can accept it. Respond neutrally with an OK....(A Y optional) and soon enough, Ok is exactly what you'll be.