Monday, August 25, 2008

Eyes Wide Open


"What should I say?"

"Well, text messages are really tricky....I think it's best if your respond. But don't put the period. Just OK, no A Y. Ok sounds tough and neutral. It isn't angry, it isn't happy. It's a nice tone of gray."

"What about, 'Ok. I understand.' or fuck, 'Okay? I understand. No, what about saying, 'Okie Dokie.'"

"Do you understand?"

"No, I don't fucking understand. But if I say I understand I sound diplomatic....and nice."

"You don't want to sound diplomatic and nice....'I understand' makes you sound weak and forgiving. If anything you should be responding with, 'I'm hiding under your car and I'm going to cut your Achilles. Or, I want to wax your shaft and watch you grimace from the inconceivable amount of pain you're going to experience.' Yeah, you should definitely say that."

See everyone, this is what friends are for. They are there to get you drunk on cheap Bud Light and help censor your all too truthful text messaging to a fallen love. Texting while inebriated or emotionally fragile is a lethal combination. Had I not had my two loyal steads to harness my overly emotive, EFFUSIVE, beast of a wounded Misery Monster, I would have left the doors of communication open and swinging on their hinges, Old Western style.

When did matters of the heart become such a trite subject deserving of a stoic, entirely unfeeling, text message.

Not only does it minimize the situation but it leaves too much room for analyzing. Any ellipsis, yes over yeah, sorry over 'so sorry', makes you question everything said and everything unsaid. The intention behind the excessive use of punctuation or lack thereof is grounds for serious dissection.

The worst part, is that sometimes all that's said, is all that they meant.

He didn't forget to tell you that he actually adores you, he didn't lose reception when he meant to say "I still want you in my life, I just need to take it slower." He said exactly what he meant. Nothing more, nothing less. It didn't skip is mind that if he wanted to be with you he would, he just doesn't. He doesn't have someone beating his hand every time he thinks about picking up the phone to call, he just isn't calling. If he cared, he would be caring.

In love the only person who fools us is usually ourselves. It's easier to make an excuse for someone with your squeezed tightly shut, to really convince yourself that your excuse has a glimmer of truth. In the beginning it may feel safer to dive head first with your eye closed so you don't know the exact depth of the pool. So that the truth of how consumed you could actually get doesn't scare you before you give it a chance.

This time though, diving and all, I didn't miss a beat. I saw everything. I didn't convince myself that everything he didn't say was waiting in the curtains for the "right time." I didn't over simplify or justify anything that would just send me into an even sadder version of a never ending sequel starring him and I.

You can go on wanting what you can't have, cursing divine timing or plotting ways to get him back....or you can accept it. Respond neutrally with an OK....(A Y optional) and soon enough, Ok is exactly what you'll be.

42 comments:

MsPuddin said...

funny how its texting and not a love letter. welcome to 2008

lavarocksilmare said...

Girl, I cannot tell you how right you are. I totally needed to be reminded of that again. I dated the only person that I'd ever loved for a year. He could have chosen me, but in the end, he didn't. I always thought, "he would have if...", but in the end, he didn't and that un-action said it all. Good for you, and thanks for the reminder. He wrote me today for the first time in months.

notthelifeiordered said...

A-fucking-men. You could not have hit the nail any harder on the head. So well said and soooo right. Sometimes I have to remind myself of that, other times I want to shake it into others. Fighting for someone who doesn't want you is futile, as you said--if they cared, you wouldn't have to fight for them. They wouldn't be making you fight for them, they'd already be there.

it is way too early for me to be using my brain this heavily :) I'm sorry that things didnt work out with this guy, but I think you know you're better off and deserve so much better.

Ben said...

I know it's probably not the happiest situation but this is a phenomenal post. Seriously.

Hope said...

Exactly. How right you are.

I loved this post. Text messaging analysis EXHAUSTS me.

Jen R. said...

if I'm not there my best friend will forward texts to me she needs help with. I loved this post...so true, so true.

Sara Jane said...

I love this post.

And you're right, eventually, it will all be ok.

Chele said...

I avoid these dilemmas by going with the hippe approach like cool or sweet. makes me sound chilled

wanderingtex said...

i'm going to the london olympics for over-analyzing everything. and i also ALWAYS spell it okay. because, seriously what does O.K. stand for???

Britt said...

well done girl! You should be proud of yourself :)

readsalot said...

Texting can be such a cop out. You have such a good head on your shoulders to just realize that it wasn't waiting to be said. I used to have such a hard time with that. Great post.

Coconut said...

Sooo good! I want to print this out and put it on my mirror so I am reminded not to settle for someone who dosn't doa nd say the things they should, and not to make excuses for them.

Kyla Bea said...

Aw, miss...
Beautiful post.
*internet hugs being sent your way*

nicoleantoinette said...

Text me instead!

Sizzle said...

I both love and hate texting. It can leave so much to interpretation. And when things end via that medium of communication? Aaack, it's painful.

well-intentioned heartbreaker said...

oh chelsea. this is so what i needed to read this morning.
thank you.
and props to you, for not falling back.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

lavarocksimare- The questions are the worst, they infest your mind and make you insane. What if I would have done this? If only I didn't do that? Maybe If I were a bit more elusive...?They could really go on and ON and ON.....the best thing is to literally put them out of your mind the second you start to "go there." Believe me....I understand how you're feeling, completely. The only person you've ever loved, etc...which I know, makes it more difficult. All in time.... all in time....

Ben- thank you:) Nice to see a guy on here understanding, since yes I know, us women aren't always the sweetest either.

Kyla Bea- thank you, hugs are good substitution for a HUGE GLASS OF WINE in the morning. lol.

thank you guys for the love. xo.

tracie said...

Oh I hate having to over-analyze text messages, read between the lines, and try to figure out the "tone" of a text.

And then there's the whole timing issue... if they text you back right away, it's appropriate for you to text back right away, too. But if they take longer than, say, half an hour to text, you must also wait an allotted amount of time, so as not to appear too "eager" or "desperate", and to show that you're "busy doing other things" too. Am I the only one who does this???

Just remember-- if they really care, they will take the time out of their day to, not just text you, but call you. Don't settle for anything less.

Jeanne said...

it will be better (I know - that comment sucks) and kudos to you that you have figured out some of the obvious stuff at a younger age than I did. And, thank whatever higher power there is for best friends and wine. you go, girl!

ashley said...

oh the politics of texting..

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Okay.

Alexis M. said...

Those are some good friends!

One of your best posts, ever. I mean that whole-heartedly.

:)

Sophie said...

I started reading your blog a few months ago and have checked it on a daily basis ever since, mostly because you seem to have eerily good timing when it comes to issuing sometimes painful, but always much needed dating wake-up calls; the kind of things you know in your heart, but need to hear from someone else before you can admit that they're true. Dating is ridiculous and this post is lovely.

toughtrigger said...

Sorry that things didn't work out here. Sounds like you've grown a lot, and truthfully - the knowledge, experience and confidence you've most likely gained from this experience will most certainly make you a better person. You're just that much closer to being who you need to be to live a happy and full life - with or without a boy.

You should listen to the song "55588866633" by James Figurine. It's a song where he discusses texting in the context of a relationship. My favorite part is"

"You wrote just to ask if I was having fun
and I guess I didn’t text you back quite fast enough

So when I got home you were awake in the den
There were tears in your eyes, the lights were dimmed

I turned off my phone, you did the same
And we fought face-to-face like it was the 90s again"

My, how cell phones have changed dating.

Smilf said...

Oh man, trying to figure out what people are really thinking through texting is miserable! And thank GAWD for friends in times like those huh?!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Thanks to everyone for saying that I'm smart, or strong orrrrrrrrr "doing the right thing" but even after writing that....it still hurts. :( And I still feel like if I had the opportunity, I'd be that stupid girl....there are some lessons, with certain people that maybe we never learn?

Michelle said...

Chelsea,

Well written, once again. You have an amazing way with words.

On the texting issue, I have a love/hate relationship with it. I like it for convenience and confess to doing it all the time, but I swear it makes me feel more disconnected than ever.

It's like you have to have a legit reason for calling these days. I have so many rollover minutes, it's rediculous. I spend $70 a month for a phone I purely text on. I feel awkward even using the phone anymore to CALL. Nuts.

I miss just chatting. And I hate analyzing texts and so carefully choosing what I write. So many ways to go wrong, so many opportunities to censor instead of just being genuine and exchanging thoughts like normal human beings. Bleah. I miss the 90's.

I'm sorry about your heartbreak. Love really sucks sometimes.

sid said...

Damn you write beautifully. Yeah, currently going through the disappointment thing ... Keep repeating everything he said over in my head. Keep asking myself why he didn't say more, say what I wanted to hear. Thing is I've known for ages that he wouldn't be the person I was hoping he'd be, yet I kept on hoping. Now I'm just waiting for everything to be okay.

JessWrites said...

Wow, great post. It is so refreshing to read a blog about things that I actually go through. (I read so many mommy blogs that sometimes I forget I don't have a kid of my own.)

Thanks for friending me on 20-something. I think I'll be a new regular.

Alexandreena said...

Thanks for writing this.
I really don't get the politics of texting and maybe I should since I somehow seem to have a relationship based on texting right now! Frustrating.

About Jen, Domestic Goddess said...

Chelsea, you are fabulous. This post is amazing and spot-on. I wish it could be broadcast throughout the interwebs and into the computer of every fabulous and resilient gal out there. Thanks for this!

ieishah said...

of course it's going to hurt. let it hurt. and sometimes you'll feel strong about it, or good about it. because moving forward is ALWAYS a good thing. so let yourself feel that in all its fullness, too.

cool blog!

brookem said...

im late to the punch here and haven't read what everyone else commented, so i may be just another ditto in the mix here. but? i completely and totally related to this post. wanting something work, wishing for a different response from a dude who always gives the SAME RESPONSE isnt going to change things. choosing to accept that and be okay with it is a big big feat, but it's so important.

i loved this post.

The Doll said...

Your blog was so right on time for me! Especially the part regarding "He said what he meant"

Wooooooooooow

Dolce said...

Texting has become my new and sometimes only communication with friends. Drunk texting is the worse! It's almost as bad as Facebook stalking your ex.

Katelin said...

i overthink my texts all the time, haha.

Josephine said...

Thanks for this, Chelsea. Sometimes things just make more sense when a complete stranger says it, without bias, without judging, but with complete honesty.

I hate texting. I have this fear that if I were to never call anybody again and just text people, I would never be able to forgive myself if a friend passed away, and I was the last person they texted. Instead of hearing their voice or the sound of their laughter, the only thing I would have been able to cherish was a text message.

But don't mind me, I'm silly sometimes :P

willtherebecake said...

Can I just say I hate text messaging? This being one of many reasons.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Well....hurt and all, I'm at least glad here are people out there that understand, sometimes we all need to shaken and reminded how fabulous we are, fabulous enough, WORTHY ENOUGH, to not NEED to wait around for someone to love you back. ...

**Melissa** said...

You know, usually when there's more than 20 comments I don't like commenting because it goes unnoticed (nobody really scrolls down to read them all) but this time is different. I just LOVED your post. You've put in words what most women don't understand, myself included. It's like an eye-opener. A little snooze.

And for the record, I don't like texting either. It's just too complicated to have the other person understand exactly what you meant to say.

a wishful thinker said...

I completely adore you.

You're the voice inside my head. Only so much more eloquent.

longredcape said...

SO. EFFING. RIGHT.

I have a category on my blog called "I blame texting." I have issues with this very subject.

 
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