Sunday, November 2, 2008
In LIMBO- minus the fiesta
When you stop talking and writing about what it is that you're feeling and thinking, its a lot easier to be completely confused about WHAT emotions you had in the first place.
It's like you lose track of where the current feelings even originated from. That is why, I am officially starting back THIS WEEK....writing, every night....I say this with the most sincere ambition. Though there may be some evenings in there when I get distracted catching up on Brothers & Sisters, over analyzing one sentence text messages, searching the fridge for a lone Fudgecicle or simply spending my time doing other things that don't involve being wrapped up in the virtual world 24/7. I'm going to try. For my own sanity really.
Right now, I'm in limbo and not the kind that involves flowery lei's, pinatas and some variation of mix CD'S that have "La Bamba" as a hidden track. That limbo is much more fun and might I add, I have quite a flexible back, so I always kick a bitches ass.... and now that I think about it....maybe the whole concept of needing a "flexible back" whether or not you're bending over backwards under a broomstick or just bending over and straining in awkward positions under a "life stick" that's invisible, but most certainly there, is really what getting through these tricky limbo-y situations is all about. Stretching out your back, so that it is indeed flexible enough until you're kicked out of the game and back to real life- which isn't always that terrible, especially if there's a terrific cheese dip and punch bowl.
Limbooooooooo.....all the flexible back talk really makes me think of sex. Sorry, my mind wandered for a moment.....
ah, sex..... we could all use a little more of it eh? Even those of you assholes who are already over indulgent- I'm not mad, just jealous. I've been you....it's so much fun to know that when you're at the grocery store picking out avocado's or filling up the car with gas, that the lady next to you probably didn't have as much sex as you did last night and that therefor, makes you a winner. It's an inner honorary medal we give ourselves....everyone likes to medal.
Back to limbo, the non-sexual kind. Sorry, it's hard not to drift when you start throwing around terms that involve flexibility, especially when it's starting to get chilly outside and the idea of body heat instead of a fucking humming, rickety heater is so much more appealing.
I'm at that place where everything is just sort of, EH. It's there, it isn't terrible but it isn't great. There isn't anything pressing, there isn't anything waning....it just is. It's a blah neutral, which I've found usually turns into a blah grey, then a blah BLACK, then a blah "oh shit, I'm having a mental breakdown." I don't do well with earth tones when it comes to my emotions.....I prefer to describe them as sparkly yellow, golden, vibrant magenta....flaming red, whatever. Not eggshell, tan, nondescript. There is nothing worse than nondescript for an artistic personality, or maybe for any human being for that matter. Nondescript emotionally is some lack of control, a form of apathy, a plateau....nondescript emotion is like a big black hole of nothingness and feeling nothingness makes you see nothingness in your future, which thus leads you into a whole twisty cycle of "nothingness thinking" which is neither empowering or productive. That's sort of where I'm at.....
So, if I could get a swift kick in the ass with some sort of Tickle Me Pink hue I'd feel a bit better.
Work is almost nonexistent at this point, I'm on the hunt for new ventures and hunting for dough doesn't leave any space for me to hunt for adventure and I don't do well with that. Dating is....sort of there....I'd like it to be a little bit more than where it currently stands, which is also testing my patience which, I have none of. Right now I have no trips on the horizon, no auditions, no steamy evenings, not even the prospect of a one-night stand which wouldn't be terrible.....as long as there were no crabs involved.
Listen, I even Googled how much a Playmate gets paid if she appears in a pictorial in Playboy......yeah. Obviously that speaks volumes about where I stand financially at the moment, no one shows their goodies for free. Intentionally anyway.
So here I am, limboing under the life stick that could drop tomorrow and everything could go back to PEACHY KEEN. That's the thing, when you're under there looking up, about to fall to your knees or dislocate some disk, it feels like FOREVER.....then when you make it, it seems like nothing so you go back for another round. I'm so ready to be out from under the "stick."
No more limboing between having a lot and then having what feels like nothing.....or maybe that's exactly it; maybe this whole limbo game is really just a lesson in perspective that I need to learn, I don't have nothing I just have a different variation of something-at the moment. Maybe all this limboing is really just my own dissatisfaction with the uncertain times and daunting prospect of "normalcy" in place of fulfilling my exceptionally high personal goals and outrageous-bordering on delusional dreams.
Should I just embrace the limbo and be grateful that my knees and my lower back can still stand the strain? And HEY, we all know there isn't a game of limbo unless you're at a seriously kick ass party, or a bonfire in Hawaii.....right?