Monday, December 29, 2008

A full fruit tree??

Never go to, or within twenty minutes after reading "symptoms" of horrible, life threatening diseases- you will be positively certain that without a doubt you are carrying that disease. Googling potential illness' is a way to make any person insane.

It's usually right when everything starts to look shiny and happy that I worry I've "settled into my shoes" a bit too easily. Henceforth; strange ailments, panic attacks, long standing colds and frequent "freak out" moments that involve irrational tears and short breathing. This entire cycle sends me straight to GOOGLE. Then to ease my worry after I've convinced myself that I have "numbness of the hands" frequently and am certainly having a stroke, I start googling "QUOTES ON LIFE" to counter balance my irrational fears and blanket them with a nice soothing quote like,

"Thought is the blossom; language the bud; action the fruit behind it."

This particular one I was transfixed on for an hour or so while I over analyzed the "fruits" of my life and whether or not there were enough, meaning how much action have I taken, should I take more? Is the fruit limitless? Do I have a full fruit tree? Or is there just a lonely little pear sitting looking for it's other pear friends and afraid of falling soon because it is getting a bit ripe...? The "pear" is obviously my current opportunities and life, if we're comparing actions to fruit I would HOPE that my tree was full of all sorts of exciting fruits. An abundant fruit tree.

Since I'm currently back in my home town, living back with my parents (to reverse the silly amount of debt I was willing to put on myself so that I could eat more pastries than necessary while in Europe) I've started to question where I'm at, both mentally and geographically.

What is it that fuels me? What excites me? Am I going to run this circular marathon of happiness/unhappiness, contentment/discontentment forever? Is that what I think I need to see in my life in order to feel like it's "going somewhere." The lulls mean that when you get back up you rise ABOVE them, right?

Strangely enough, I'm not actually calendar is booked full of upcoming shows- finally MY music, my voice and I have an incredible social life, great friends and a great man....yes, there's still this huge chunk of my consciousness that needs to see MOTION. That still compares everything to her life/experiences in New York or Los Angeles and then when I tell myself I'm settled in Denver, I swear- I have instant hives. Even though, I do love Denver. When I don't see any sort of travel, change in pace (this almost always means physical movement to a different spot on the map) or anything out of the ordinary; experiences, jobs, people, etc. (and I realize that NO, my life isn't ordinary at all, but I have a fear that it will become that way.....) I get antsy.....really antsy. Thus, I stare at my fruit tree and wonder how in the HELL I can fill it up just a little bit more.

During my "Google" frenzy, I came across this one:

-Nelson Mandela

I believe I am capable of living the most extraordinary life- always, continuously bettering my life and experience (starting by accepting music as a main focus in my life and accepting loving relationships, this is a damn good start) so when you SEE and truly believe in the ability to live a life of greatness, to settle would be a shame. So seek the "fruit" I shall.....




Who? Me? said...

I want the cliche...

A good man (check), a good marriage (check), children (2 preferably), 2 dogs, and a farm.

And I am settling, but I'm settling for the man I love and I'm waiting for him to be ready. Because he will be. It's just taking him longer than I would like...

cessie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
cessie said...

How serendipitous that you write this just now - as late as yesterday, I realized that the PhD I'm working on doesn't mean I want to settle for that, so I can't tell you what I'll be in five years even if I should be a 'doctor' by then!
So what I want is to learn how to stop wanting to do EVERYTHING and just concentrate on giving one something I care about my ALL... rather than giving a little bit to everything.

Erin said...

I am in your situation if living at home right now after an incredible year of living in the mountains and having all new experiences. I got sick of the new though and felt I needed the familiar. So here I am.

I definitely have not reached my limits yet of where I can go, who I can meet and what I can accomplish. I feel like living home right now is a landing pad for my next great chapter and I'm okay with that. Thanks for writing this!

Tonya said...

ha ha. i do that with symptoms too. never good. it just freaks you out.

i just posted something about what i wanted

Ms. Pink Zebra said...

Haha. I just did that the other day. Freaked myself out. Horrible.

I don't know what I want. Well I know I want to change but change WHAT and HOW.


nicole antoinette said...

I want to take control of my life. To actually start DOING all the things I say I WISH I were doing.

And I want to talk you to more. :)

Rebekah said...

To fill the tree... Quitting a job I don't really like and going to make crap pay as a baker where I feel like I create something good instead of something wrapped in red tape.

And I'm settling for the job I have because I have a mortgage and student loans and an unholy amount of credit card debt. So I remain with my empty fruit tree.

Miss A said...

My fruit tree is full. 2008 has been an experience of itself.

Anonymous said...

one can never overestimate the benefits of one's parents' home.

Sizzle said...

I've been thinking a lot on this because I feel like I have not been reaching my potential. Time to crank it up.

You know what I want to do next?


JUST ME said...

I want to stop freaking the fuck out over everything.

And trust myself.

Anonymous said...

I love you.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

anonymous- I love you too , cause you love me so cheers to that.

Rose and Jill said...

I wasn't feeling good a couple weeks ago so I decided to WebMD it up. After checking symptoms, I realized I didn't have a cold ...I had spinal fluid driping down my throat. I always swear I'll never look at it again, but always do..

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

I find pleasure int eh fact that I'm not alone with the WEBMD thing. man. oh man. dont do it.

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