Never go to WebMD.com, or within twenty minutes after reading "symptoms" of horrible, life threatening diseases- you will be positively certain that without a doubt you are carrying that disease. Googling potential illness' is a way to make any person insane.
It's usually right when everything starts to look shiny and happy that I worry I've "settled into my shoes" a bit too easily. Henceforth; strange ailments, panic attacks, long standing colds and frequent "freak out" moments that involve irrational tears and short breathing. This entire cycle sends me straight to GOOGLE. Then to ease my worry after I've convinced myself that I have "numbness of the hands" frequently and am certainly having a stroke, I start googling "QUOTES ON LIFE" to counter balance my irrational fears and blanket them with a nice soothing quote like,
"Thought is the blossom; language the bud; action the fruit behind it."
This particular one I was transfixed on for an hour or so while I over analyzed the "fruits" of my life and whether or not there were enough, meaning how much action have I taken, should I take more? Is the fruit limitless? Do I have a full fruit tree? Or is there just a lonely little pear sitting looking for it's other pear friends and afraid of falling soon because it is getting a bit ripe...? The "pear" is obviously my current opportunities and life, if we're comparing actions to fruit I would HOPE that my tree was full of all sorts of exciting fruits. An abundant fruit tree.
Since I'm currently back in my home town, living back with my parents (to reverse the silly amount of debt I was willing to put on myself so that I could eat more pastries than necessary while in Europe) I've started to question where I'm at, both mentally and geographically.
What is it that fuels me? What excites me? Am I going to run this circular marathon of happiness/unhappiness, contentment/discontentment forever? Is that what I think I need to see in my life in order to feel like it's "going somewhere." The lulls mean that when you get back up you rise ABOVE them, right?
Strangely enough, I'm not actually lulling.....my calendar is booked full of upcoming shows- finally MY music, my voice and I have an incredible social life, great friends and a great man....yes, there's still this huge chunk of my consciousness that needs to see MOTION. That still compares everything to her life/experiences in New York or Los Angeles and then when I tell myself I'm settled in Denver, I swear- I have instant hives. Even though, I do love Denver. When I don't see any sort of travel, change in pace (this almost always means physical movement to a different spot on the map) or anything out of the ordinary; experiences, jobs, people, etc. (and I realize that NO, my life isn't ordinary at all, but I have a fear that it will become that way.....) I get antsy.....really antsy. Thus, I stare at my fruit tree and wonder how in the HELL I can fill it up just a little bit more.
During my "Google" frenzy, I came across this one:
“There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.”
I believe I am capable of living the most extraordinary life- always, continuously bettering my life and experience (starting by accepting music as a main focus in my life and accepting loving relationships, this is a damn good start) so when you SEE and truly believe in the ability to live a life of greatness, to settle would be a shame. So seek the "fruit" I shall.....
IF YOU WEREN'T SETTLING, WHAT WOULD YOU FILL UP YOUR FRUIT TREE OF EXPERIENCE'S WITH????
WHAT DO YOU WANT......?