Tuesday, January 27, 2009

A 100 calorie pack of CRAZY


You know you're busy when your meals consist wholly of food you can grab out of a box; granola bars, Little Debbie Cakes (uh- the heart shaped Valentine cakes make the world go 'round), 100 calorie packs of Goldfish, and assorted cracker-y things..... might I add that there's about 7 goldfish in those bags, SEVEN? What the fuck is in them that makes them 100 calories, pure lard with orange food coloring, rolled in salt?

So this week , after being completely unfulfilled from eating room temperature food with fancy wrapping (that is now ornamenting my car), I started to think- well, if five God. DAMN. goldfish are 100 calories, what's a bite of a peanut butter and jelly sammy??? 80? Just a bite?
NOTE: Anyone who feels the desire to mention I should stick to lean meat like turkey and salmon, or snack on almonds from a baggie can keep your fit ass quiet. I have almonds in a baggie.....and a slice of lunch meat really doesn't tide me over- not to mention, it isn't that portable. I love the GRAB 'N GO! An almond filled existence is the first thing that would trigger a trip straight to a Micky D's drive thru.

This is the deal, now every time I go over my daily caloric intake....do I have to factor in my "tastes?" I SUPPOSE SO! Dinner mints even? Every time I sample "just a small bite" am I getting a stretch mark in some strange place??? What the fuck am I supposed to eat- frozen grapes? Frozen because once, on a crazy diet fad I was attempting, I decided eating frozen food took longer, which then distracted me from how hungry I actually was, AND burnt a few taste buds. So the idea of eating anything else seemed "flavorless". Banana Popsicles it was......I also couldn't really afford anything and Lord knows Top Ramen has it out for wannabe skinnies. No support for financially strained concerned about the width of their love handles, no support-punk asses.

Thus, the over analysis of caloric intakes ensues.


And let me tell you what, those 100 calories packs distort your fucking brain. They just do. I've developed a new obsessive habit, calorie counting. I'M THE CHICK WHO DITCHED 38 DAYS OF MATH.....and I'm voluntarily counting calories, five. hundred. times. a day. The worst part, I'm "roughly estimating." Overestimating, underestimating....who the EFF knows. For all I know the hummus I ate is entirely responsible for my rapidly decreasing self esteem when the thought of "bikini season" floats through the brain. Who knows? Is hummus the enemy? Damn. damn calories.

"Babe, what are you doing....."

Obviously when My Love saw me pulling a Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting, he knew I wasn't discovering a new math theory....he knew I wasn't actually MAKING enough money to add up so rapidly, these surely aren't incoming checks....


"Oh, I'm just- counting. Counting to stay in my calorie bracket...." Using the word "bracket" makes it sound more business, less mental patient.


A few days later....after the awkward exchange and revealed obsessive-compulsive-weight-obsessed-episode (which comes in bouts, I assure you it isn't consistent), in comes My Love with a gigantic tin of cookies from my favorite bakery in New York and my FAVORITE type of cookie. On top of the tin was a calculator.....

and in the window where numbers are usually taunting me......

It just said (in perfect calculator font)- YOU ARE PERFECT


And on that note, I think I'll skip the counting for this evening and have a cookie instead.

53 comments:

d said...

I hate you. I really hate you. And your perfect calculator.

Until I get one of those myself, I will be living in the 1000-1100 calorie per day hell I have been living in since the first of the year. Argh.

jaime said...

Jesus, that's really sweet. Does he have a brother?

The more protein you eat, the less hungry you feel. I read it somewhere and was like "pssht" but it really does help. Egg white omelets are delish and nutrish.

Mandy said...

That is quite possibly the sweetest thing I have ever heard of!

Stacy said...

10 points for him!

flipflops said...

That's so sweet! I love boys (sometimes).

Lots of tasty, filling, low-calorie granola bars at Whole Foods -- Lara bars, Clif bars, etc. Also, Fiber One bars are pretty clutch.

L.L. said...

Hey! I do the calorie counting thing too... I find it gets easier as time goes on. If you're looking for a way to make it mega easy, use caloriecount.about.com. You can find all kinds of food on there complete with ALL the nutritional info, and you can log both your calorie intake AND your calorie burn off (so if you jog for 30 minutes you'd log that and it would add that extra however many calories to your daily burn off).

Honestly the site makes it easy - I don't even think about it anymore.

just me said...

Boys who give you cookies and love notes typed carefully with numbers: good.

Counting calories: horrible.

Stay with the good.

bloggingbarbie said...

um, i think he's now my official love too.

you deserve it, pretty lady. xoxo.

Arielle said...

That is like 8 kinds of adorable. So cute!

Private Eyes said...

oh.my.gosh. HOW SWEET!!!! Kudos for him!

Alexis M. said...

That's a great guy you got there!

Ashley said...

I despise 100 calorie pack. (Mostly because I'm a crazy environmentalist and all that package makes me physically angry. But, still.)

Your boy is a winner. Woot.

Nicole Elkington said...

That is SO cute!

CatsPuke said...

Is this for real? That's so adorable!

Emily said...

omg...that is too sweet!!

Stephanie said...

I would totally need a calculator too. That's probably why I refuse to count calories... my horrible math skills.

Elle Bee said...

That is amazing! You have a great Love.

Who? Me? said...

that's so sweet! he's a keeper!

I was calorie counting and then Christmas happened and I stopped. I need to get back to it. I found that an egg and two pieces of bacon in the morning are approx 150 calories (which is your basic bagel w/cream cheese) and they have lots of protein so they help me stay full throughout the day. It helped me.

also, hummus is good! about 50 calories for plain hummus plus your pita or veggies. so not too bad!

BeeHappy said...

I loved this blog. I actually was LOL at work! I'm sure people were wondering why since it's so quiet in here. Hilarious! I'm with you with the 100 calorie packs too. It's ridiculous! And could your love be any sweeter? :)

nicoleantoinette said...

Um, you ARE perfect. Duh. I mean really, duh!!

Stop it :)

MarvelousMOM said...

What a sweetie he is! And a keeper. I hope you enjoyed that cookie!

.bethany. said...

100 Calorie Packs: 0
Love: 1

I can't open a bag of goldfish without eating half the bag. I guess that's somewhere around 213,947,538 calories?

jenziebenzie said...

It's posts like this that make me severely jealous of my friend, she's 6'9" and can eat whatever she wants in whatever quantities all day long.

I get bigger just thinking about it haha!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

jaime- I do love my eggwhites and yes, he does... ;)

flipflops- OH I LOVE LARA BARS and clif bars, I'm a bar kin of girl. I seem to be out of stock though,grocery time!

ll- thanks for tips!

catspuke- It is real oh man. crazy huh? lol

who? me?- AH GOOD, I dont know what id do without my hummus!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

jenziebenzie- 6'9, damn- I always wished I was tall like that so I could eat cake on a daily basis. hm. maybe it doesnt work that way and it's all in my head, it sounds good though?

Hillbilly Duhn said...

Ugh. I tried one time to keep track of calorie in take. Naw, not for me. I just eat what I want when I want and don't worry about it.

Laura said...

That is so sweet of him!

Curly Su said...

wow, that's amazing. i love him and i don't even know him.

Kern said...

That's so freaking adorable. Keeper for sure.

The New Black said...

Aw, he sounds like a keeper!

I am doing the high protein thing and it really does make me feel fuller longer, although it doesn't taste as good. :)

Jess said...

This is awesome! Go him.

jeanne said...

keep him - seriously....freakin' keep him.

notyourplainjane said...

Calorie packs can bite me. Ugh.

How sweet is your man? Can I send my man to him for a training class?

irunwithscissors said...

calorie counting just depresses me... I just attempt to eat well and move a little extra when I can.

brookem said...

oh Your Love wins major points for that one. what a swooner you got!

Astharis said...

The ending of this entry literally made me go "AWW!" out loud. :)

Sassy Molassy said...

Absolutely effing adorable. Men like him are rare. Hold on tight.

sarahbelledotcom said...

Way too cute.

He's a keeper, clearly.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Sassy molassy- I know it! He says he's lucky, but I'm theucky one

Notyourplainjane-sure thing mauybe he should start classes

Katelin said...

aw that is just so cute. i love it. what a great bf :)

Meghan said...

He's a keeper!

Sebastian said...

I've actually been counting my calories recently, but in an attempt to eat MORE! I was starting to look a bit gaunt in the cheeks...

The problem for me is the untoned muscle... No matter how much weight I lose, I'll have some fat on my stomach.

I guess I have to... exercise *shudder*

Blogstiny said...

Oh he's so sweet! Tell him your uncle said to stay away from your cookie! J/J.

Wet Head said...

Chelsea,

Hey, I just found you "sheeple" article from one of my fav sites :)

Great read and then off course I got stuck reading your other stuff, but yea, I agree GANGSTA rap made me do it, man, Its great to read your stuff.

It confirms that there are still real people like me out there !!!

YAY!!!

Joe

Kelli said...

So sweet!! I love your blog! I read it for the first time today & I'm following :)

ablogofherown.wordpress.com said...

First of all, those Little Debbie Valentines cakes DO make the world go round.
Secondly, AWWWW. How cute is Love?

Larissa said...

You enjoy those cookies, guilt-free!

solo nicole said...

i LOVE little debbie heart cakes! we went straight from the christmas trees to the hearts with zebra back ups always on hand.

Erin said...

Very cute yes, but I have never met another person who eats frozen grapes!!! I think they could be the single most wonderful frozen fruit ever.

ChasingParadise said...

OMG how cute is your man?! He's definitely a keeper. Enjoy a cookie. Or 2. Or 3. :)

20-Something said...

If that happened to me, I'd brag about it in a red hot minute. Keep that one for the grandchildren! :)

Also, I'm calorie counting OBSESSED lately, but only because I'm trying to shed 10-15 that have cropped up this last year and REALLY need to go. It's so boring though, yah know. Eating pizza and McDonalds like I'm a buck 10 was so much more fun.

Anonymous said...

Beans!!! Good Lord Above!!!! You must weigh 100 lbs. soaken wet!!!!
You are not seeing yourself ,as others see you ! You cannot be seeing !But, you are a love, even if you are not of this world!

Just Playing Pretend said...

I'm a new reader and I think you're hilarious. Also, you don't let that man out of the house do you? As a single girl, I'm advising you to keep a close eye on a guy that amazing. :)

 
ss_blog_claim=1c43e45eb4927c96edea5f154138fe95