Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Duncan Hines will be the END of my ass.


You know what isn't disgusting; dipping things in frosting- "things" is the interchangeable word here. I'm not above telling you that I've dipped raw Ramen noodles in Rainbow Chip icing, for dinner.


Since, I'm living at home right now in between you know "figuring it out for the 700th time, note: PRETTY SURE your twenties are responsible for; weight gain, wrinkles, and early heart failure- old age and children are NOT" (this may be another key factor to why I would like to shove my face into a vat of lard and live there instead) I'm also living vicariously through my 12 year old sisters body. No, I know- gross to aspire to look like a 12 year old or covet her tiny, tiny frame, but truthfully our boobs are about the same size, so what's wrong with me loathing her six pack? Nothing. Especially since when I was twelve I was on my second set of braces, had a bowl cut, glasses and perpetually sweaty hands- not to mention I was 5'6 and hadn't grown into my "quirky cute" persona, and I was oily. I digress into painful memories....moving on....


SO- the other night we're sitting on the couch and she's eating strawberries (healthy choice for the young doe) and because I knew I shouldn't erase the two hour cardio session I had just punished myself with (wtf. I create faux "Ranger Training" sessions, you know- just in case I join the forces for free health care and travel...or something absurd like that), I should make HER eat the delicious, whipped, CAN frosting in the pantry.


"You know what would be amazing on that??"


Unassuming, innocent-baby-child responds, "What Sissy?"


"FROSTING."


Offering frosting advice to a child is like saying to an adult "Here, have an orgasm, no worries this one's on me."


The worst part, I made my innocent-baby-child-sister the victim/tester to all things "Dippable" minus body parts- since you know, that would need another candidate i.e. boyfriend, that delicious Twilight boy, Anderson Cooper, our sexy Pres elect OBAMAAA, Jake-y Ghyllenhaal...etc.


The verdict is out: Spreading chocolate frosting onto the Club buttery garlic crackers= surprisingly delectable. Spreading frosting onto fruit always good (you pansy, think outside the box) and spreading frosting onto your tongue with a GIANT SPOON, even better. But the crackers win, something about the salty and the sweet is really euphoria to the palate.


The damn frosting has to go....but throwing away a half-full can of perfectly edible frosting is like saying goodbye to your childhood blankie. Either the frosting goes or I go....



REASON NUMBER 5,697 why I should move out a.s.a.p.




48 comments:

Jen said...

Hahahahaha! I literally laughed out loud at work while reading this. I wish I had a baby sister that I could do things like this to!

erin said...

Chocolate frosting is always good. There is never a time when it isn't good. The good thing about living in Ireland is it is hard to find frosting, so I have to make it.

Exposed said...

Oh man, I go through this every time I visit home!

There is something about having the independence to choose from a family refrigerator that had restricted access as a child that makes you devour the most disgusting combinations into your rapidly slowing adult metabolism. Might I recommend a long walk to get some personal space, work it off, and possibly bump into a future frosting-dippable boy who is unlikely to come knocking on your door.
Your sister's twelve year old guy friends are unlikely to have equally covetable bodies :)

K and/or K said...

Pretzels! Try pretzels!

just me said...

Don't.Throw.The.Frosting.OUT.

Every girl must have her vice. At least you're not stabbing needles into your arm.

Long live high-caloric heaven.

JD said...

My problem is always that the cake never takes up all the frosting, so I just finish it myself. The issue here is that quarter can has something like 1200 calories, half from fat, and of course it is that bad fat....

Camels & Chocolate said...

I used to make my baby sister step into giant steaming piles of dog poo wearing nothing other than her diaper and dinosaur glasses.

ME=CRUEL

Jeanne said...

OMG - I have such a crush on Anderson Cooper....which isn't right.

But enough - for New Year's Day, I made chocolate fudge cupcakes with cream cheese frosting and topped them with smoked applewood bacon...fucking amazing!!!! seriously...... I don't like cake but love frosting - go figure!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Erin- thats all good, I do believe in working for your treats...I'd make the frosting too. lol.

k andk- DUDE, done it. ;)

Just me- you make me feel so much better about my disgusting habit, you're right needles would be worse.

camels- I used to make her lick my toe? is that gross? and mean? yeah. I was an asshole.

Jeanne- YOU. ARE. MY. HERO.

Anything with bacon is straight heaven.

nicoleantoinette said...

Yeah, moving out doesn't help. It only makes it worse. I dip goldfish in creamy brie cheese and call that dinner. Or put chocolate and peanut butter on a hot English muffin. Don't move out- ever. Unless you move here! :)

Hillbilly Duhn said...

lol!

Mmmmm...Frosting....

Katelin said...

oh my gosh i had the same problem when i was living at home. if ever there was half used frosting there was a guarantee i would definitely dig in with a spoon, soo sooo good.

Sara said...

Haha, I used to get in trouble as a child because I would hide jars of frosting under my bed and eat out of them at will.

L.L. said...

I ate better when I lived by myself, for sure. When I lived at my Mom's all she ever had was crap in the house... lots and lots of junk food! When I was alone I did really well at keeping the junk food out. Now that I live with Graham, we're still pretty good at only keeping good stuff in the house, but bad for ordering in!!

Lizzie said...

FYI, we are currently living the same life. Cardio, too much food, living at home. But I don't put it on anything - I just eat it. Sometimes with my hands. No judgement...

TheRedThreads said...

See... you're much nicer to your little sister. I made mine ride down the giant steep hill on her bike first. She didn't make it. The bike did.

Also, this sounds delicious and our twelve year old hood sounds... freakishly alike. I don't blame you for the coveting.

This also made me giggle. A lot. Thank you, it's been a terrible day.

Larissa said...

Chocolate frosting and garlic crackers...? Hmmm.

Maxie said...

Frosting (chocolate only) plus potato chips is one of my favorite snacks. YUM.

Ambles said...

Ack, I know what you mean! I'm living at home agian too, and I let myself get away with waaaay too much! Because I CAN!!!

Jules said...

Pack you bloody bags now!!!

AmberP said...

When in doubt, eat frosting.
That's the motto of the day and I can complete agree with that whole-heartedly!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Jules- I got a suitcase waiting. Dont you worry.

Lynn said...

ahahaha, amazing. we've all done it! anyone who denies it is probably lying!

Melain said...

Ya, what is it about going home and eating like CRAP! My parents never let me eat like that when I was little! So why now do they thrust all my favorites upon me at the top of each hour as if it's my last hour of life? I think they secretly want me to get fat.

and ps... The 12 year old body with the 18 year old boobs and the 21 year old head is the American Ideal. You are justified in your envy.

MarvelousMOM said...

I have never been one to dig into frosting...too sweet for me or something. As for my little sister (9 yrs younger), she has a rockin' body and her boobs passed mine up a long time ago. I only recently caught her and that was due to pregnancy!

Blogstiny said...

I wish I could sit my fat ass in a big bowl of frosting right now.

AllTimeLove said...

While my fondness for frosting has somewhat decreased over the years, my envy of those who can eat it with out experiencing gut-wrenching guilt has not, lol.

Oh! And my sister, who is 15, calls me "Sissy", too. :=) I smiled when I read that. I think it's sweeeet!

Rose and Jill said...

I at an entire thing of the chocolate duncan in a day and the thought of it turns my tum still!

Also, my sister (who is 22) still calls me "sissy" and now my nephew does too!
-R

Angela said...

I feel the same way about nutella.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Melain- thank you! lol I don't feel so bad about it.

Angela- OH. NUTELLA. SIGH.

Karmen said...

if your ass turns into a cupcake, i would very much like a piece, thank you.


oh my god, i think i just created a new pick up line.

Stephanie said...

This was hilarious! Truly, a laugh out loud moment.

Love, Fitness, Money, More said...

I just found your blog today and I was totally loving it...

until I came to this post...

now I'm resentful because it has me heading to my fridge and ingesting the whipped cream cheese frosting that's been taunting me for weeks...

I kid (about the resentfulness) ;-)

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