Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Google Analytics are AWESOME



If you don't have them, you should.

I used to find a great deal of pleasure doing process of elimination and figuring out which ex boyfriends of mine were still Internet stalking me by locating them on the map and what not...so sort of, semi-stalking them in return and knowing that "no other person could have possibly Googled my name that lives in (blank) and is a returning viewer...."

It's really a fun game.

Though, not quite as fun as finding out HOW people got to your site in the first place....the amount of people who land on Chelsea Talks Smack by Googling "ball busting" is an alarming number. What I wonder is, when they get to the site- what in the HELL makes them stay on for longer than 5 minutes if their intention was to find "ball busting" anything; photos, stories (which I do have one of) videos, etc.

Here's a few more that tickle my fancy (which I'm sure someone will Google, 'tickle my fancy' now and end up at Chelsea Talks Smack, sorely disappointed and 'untickled'.) Here it goes:

-Elope + Argentina- whoever Googled that, I seriously hope you did it. What a great place to Elope. Congrats. I also got Elope to Iceland and let me personally say, I think ICELAND is a bad choice- ice doesn't scream romance to me. ?

-Funny gangsta quotes..... (I have a feeling they didn't find what they were looking for here)

-Essays on an unwelcome guest- HM,? NO idea. Sorry you must have had a rough holiday...family can be a bit tricky

-Demise of dating and texting- NOW THIS, I'd like to read. Let me know if you found an article on it

DRUM ROLL PLEASE:::: Beijing driver bikini wax::::::

what in the hell?!?!?! and the madness continues....

-Another word for ovulating- though I doubt you found the answer to that on my site, let me give you some answers; Surfin' the crimson wave, A visit from Aunt Ruby, On the rag, etc. Readers, feel free to add to this one if you have some clever phrases.....

-"Sequined SAD penis"......I can't even imagine what they were looking for, a limp dick dipped in rhinestones???

-"Fear of large statues"- Hm, another I do not have the answers for.

-"Nicole Antoinette and porn- Nicole, either someone really wants to see you naked (which duh, why wouldn't they?) or you have a porn site- either way....they're lookin'.

-"Why do you pee when you're drunk"- Because of the massive influx of liquid into your system, you tool.

-"My mom is a hot bitch"- yes, my Mother is a hot bitch, so naturally you'd end up here?

-"I'm single and it's my birthday"- GIRL/BOY, Go out buy yourself a drink and a piece of cake- you'll be fine. Happy Birthday.

-"I want to punch my Grandma"- SHAME ON YOU.

There were also several related to country singers, getting stoned , sex, stripping, Heath Ledger , feminism, drinking and heartbreak.

BUT MY FAVORITE, who happened to stay on for a lengthy bit of time...."PEACE LOVE AND GRILLED CHEESE."


Anyone who is Googling how all three of those brilliant things fit together is welcome to be my friend.



What are some crazy things you've had on your Google Analytics???

34 comments:

Hillary said...

After writing about getting dosed with GHB in a bar, I started getting some really soul-crushing searches for how to make GHB, how to dose someone with GHB, videos of people having sex with people who have been drugged with GHB, etc.
HOWEVER, I have had many funny searches too (mostly about boobs & strapless dresses, after I wrote about my strapless bridesmaid dress being too large in the boob area)

Kern said...

If I remember correctly when I went to school they told me that Iceland was actual green and Greenland was actually icy. Why they named them that way I don't know but that alone tells me to stay away...ha

Matt Frost said...

Moose-cock. Not sure how, not sure why.

Venessa said...

pahahaha nothing funny yet but i do love google anaylitics!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

hillary- omg it is scary what people search isnt it?!

Kern- you got me there, though ICELAND....I mean, still from what I've seen on the travel channel I'm not sure about eloping there, I'd choose somewhre like, bora bora?

just me said...

I don't want to look.

I'm afraid "Crazy Cat Lady" will come up too many times.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Just me- thats not too bad, it saddens me that many of them had ot do wtih sad single heartbroken drunk girls. Thats better than crazy cat lady?

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

* I meant NOT better than crazy crazy lady

Dan said...

The best I got was "axe dramatica"

I suspect someone mistyped ars dramatica, but they really could have been looking for a dramatic axe - who knows?

floreta said...

whoa, thank you for pointing me to this analytics thing. had not heard of it but i love internet stalking (yes, i'm disgusting). thanks for feeding my addictiong. no, really.

JustCasey said...

I am trying to take your advice and add google analyics, but I am unsure where I should paste the code at my blog? If you get a change could you let me know, thanks!

JustCasey said...

I am trying to take your advice and add google analyics, but I am unsure where I should paste the code at my blog? If you get a change could you let me know, thanks!

Classy in Philadelphia said...

This seriously cracked me up. I just added analytics the other day, so I haven't gotten any funny ones yet. I used statcounter.com before, and everything seemed pretty normal.

Maxie said...

sequined sad penis??? HAHAHA! Love it. I want to be that persons friend.

Lindsay said...

These are all fabulous. But like you, my favorite would have to be Peace Love and Grilled Cheese. I mean, really, what else is there in this world?

Paula said...

i'm more obsessed with my statcounter than google analytics (i find it is far easier to find my stalkers - two of them, also exes - that way) but i love analytics for the search terms because it seems more detailed. i think my favourite search term was "I can't stop stairing at my sister's boobs". Not just because it was random, and also a little disturbing, but because the word "staring" was completely mis-spelled.

nicoleantoinette said...

Ha, Google Analytics don't work with Wordpress blogs (SAD DAY), but I'm just throwing my two cents in and saying that eloping in Iceland would be sweet in that you'd be the only person you've ever met who has ELOPED IN ICELAND.

That damn expat said...

Seriously, stuff some people Google. I'm not one of those people. Seriously, I'm not! Ahem.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Nicole- I'm slightly surprised you didn't mention anything about people googling Nicole antoinette and porn.


?

Thats all I'm sayin'

haha.

Allyn said...

hey, this is pretty nifty. Thanks!

Melly said...

I've gotten a few oddities:

* A lot of search for "neck cramps" - to the point that I actually made a post about how to cure them!

* "Ungrateful girlfriend"

* "Jenna bush showing her buzzy"

...not so sure about that last one! :)

Dawn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dawn said...

Nearly all of mine have something to do with Project Runway... Either about Jeffrey Sebelia (and often, his wife) or Kenley's design that looked a lot like one of Alexander McQueen's. Some of these include: "kenley collins immature," "hate kenley of project runway" and "did alexander mcqueen think kenley collins stole his designs." I especially like when they use whole sentences that sound like an answer to whatever they are trying to find in the first place like, "jeffrey sebelia married cassandra church." I can't imagine what exactly they were trying to learn from that.

But then I also have some like "sticks snowman craiglist" (?), "two toilets" and "what cartoon had 'i love to sing-a'" (The answer to which is actually "I Love to Singa," strangely enough)

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

paula- this statcounter thing I'm going to need ot check out?!

Guido said...

Most searches on my website (using Google Analytics for 2,5 years now) can easily be explained by one of the photo captions. The searches are as diverse as they are. Most popular ones:
- "rodina mat" (huge statue in Kiev)
- "suc au may" (hill in France)
- "jeanneke pis" (statue in Brussels)
- "abu dhabi airport pictures"

Pretty innocent. My top keywords however are "sasha dasha". Not surprisingly those people don't linger around very long.

Lily said...

I just checked and my favorite one is "granny panties pictures".

Sweet.

Sara said...

I was the one who found you by searching for peace, love, and grilled cheese.

Not really, but I wish I was that awesome?

Stiletto Sports Jen said...

haha that is too funny! And even funnier, I was just typing up my own version of this for my own site and found yours. Thought I was the only person crazy enough to respond to the crazies that find me through weird keyphrases! Can't wait to check the ex-boyfriend stalking part!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Sara- Dude, that'd be awesome I cant wait to find out who that was.

Stiletto sports jen- It is AMAZING what you can find!

Ben said...

Analytics are really bad for people who like to waste time (like me).

Most of my search terms are pretty boring, though "wonky face" did make me smile.

Jessica said...

My analytics are broken! :(

Shawn Butler said...

This blog won me over at "Google Analytics"... I am now joining the crowd of your ex-boyfriends and the people searching for "ball busting" because I've favorited your blog.

I'm in SEO & new media and I love introducing people to Google Analytics and watching them go covert! They feel like a cross between Stephen Wozniak and James Bond --that always tickles my fancy (that should boost your search results!). And so you don't have to cyber-track me, I found you through 20SB.

CatsPuke said...

Ummm, I think your googler might have inspired me to elop eto Argentina!

What a fab idea

CP x

Vanessa said...

Ah google search perverts (GSP's) you've got to love them...a few of my faves...

"Vanessa likes my burps"

"MATURE WANK BITCH PLEATED SKIRT"

weird.

 
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