Friday, January 30, 2009

There's NO WAY she does it without a bump of speed.


I'll have whatever she's on.


Look, I'm fully aware that Oprah has "people" that help things run smoothly. I'm sure she has a person for smoothing out her hair, one for carrying tissues and tampons, one for micromanaging what ends up in her pantry and one that can give her a miracle shot if she's feeling a little under the weather. BUT- at the end of the day, it is HER responsibility to execute. No matter how many "people" she has, she is the only one who has to "PERFORM." No amount of money can make someone else do that for you....we still aren't fully supportive of the whole cloning idea, at least not yet.

Right now I'm juggling a whole bunch of jobs and new ventures- plus my personal health and sanity. I'm forgetting to put on deodorant. You know your brain is up to other things when you can't recall whether or not you brushed your teeth today- or yesterday?....Hm.

If I was on whatever Oprah's on, my room wouldn't look like a set from Twister. Someone would be there to make sure I didn't walk around trying to look serious, even though I had a little booger on my nose ring. My car wouldn't look like I go 4wheeling regularly and I wouldn't forget to put mascara on, on both eyes.

Modern day super woman? Fuck yea. Ok, she doesn't have kids or a husband....so she loses points, but instead she has; a school, a TV show, a magazine, a radio show, a production company, a book club, books, a few houses, and a gaggle of dogs....she's really only missing a restaurant, a perfume line and maybe a classy line of sex toys. She is either on the best crack in the world or there's five of her we don't know about. Oprah makes my life look like a vacation and I'm still effing tired.....

Whenever I get a hold of whatever Oprah taking I'm going to FINALLY return all my emails. When I get a hold of what Oprah's taking, I'm going to fold my clothes and put them drawers, instead of creating a fabric Jenga tower.

I'm going to finally start writing the book I've been talking about writing, I'm going to plan my next trip, I'm going to stop avoiding making a "budget plan", I'll take a spinning class, HIKE A DAMN MOUNTAIN, cut my hair, learn to play more than three chords on the guitar and pick up a few more freelancing jobs.

.....but, shit- what if Oprah isn't on anything.....


Is it the entourage that makes her a powerhouse, the money, the midday snack of apples and a tablespoon of peanut butter for an extra boost of energy that makes it all work??? Or is it simply that she just NEVER. STOPS. NO. MATTER. HOW. TIRED. AND HAGGARD. SHE. IS. ??


Whatever it is, she's found a way to juggle so gracefully....and that above of all, is an admirable quality. Now all she needs is a How-To book on managing various careers, maintaining a garden and
kicking ass simultaneously....without look like a frazzled troll. That is a book I'd buy.


If you had whatever Oprah's on, what would you get done???

31 comments:

Liz said...

Oh GOD I am right there with you on the fabric jenga tower. There's so much clothes everywhere that I can't remember if I have carpet.

Alexis M. said...

There are so many things! I would be a marathoner, crafter-extraordinaire, well-known (money-making) painter, and be touring with my band featuring songs all written by me. Plus, everything would be spotlessly organized and I would have really funky make-up and clothes (making people jealous) all the time.

It would be pretty unbelievable.

Oh...and my book(s) would be coming out soon...and the blog would be super-popular.

bFlat said...

If I could take what Oprah is on I would finally get all the wash done at one time, craft, study for the GREs train my puppy cute tricks, and work full time.

Man, I really want some of this super sweet drug.

Strawberry Swirl said...

A lot of things. Clean my room(and keep it clean), do homework,blog more, invest in a boyfriend(or a f*ck puppet. Which ever comes first), get my driver's license, etc.

Your not the only one who is frazzeled. Going to school full time and working 2 jobs can really take its toll. Sometimes I forget to eat. Can you imagine someone who loves food forget to eat? And there are days were I even forget to bath. I need a vacation.

Ben said...

Nope, It's definitely drugs. I refuse to believe you can maintain a multi-million dollar media empire without the help of a shit load of class As.

Either that or she is one of those people that had a childhood that formed the achievement=love dynamic.

Either way I bet she is actually a dessicated husk on the inside.

What? Too cynical?

Sebastian said...

I have three fabric Jenga towers (beautiful turn of phrase by the way, I've never thought of them like that, but it's perfectly descriptive...!)

She's probably just one of those scarily-efficient types that hardly does anything other than work.

Alternatively, she might just be the public face... it's highly unlikely she runs everything -- CEOs do that. It's more likely she's just become a brand!

If I was as efficient as her, I'd probably be a world-famous photographer by now.

Kelli said...

If I had whatever Oprah is on..

Well..

I guess I would just have to be the white girl version of Oprah :)

Laura said...

I would have a spotless kitchen everyday and a nice beach house I'd have time to visit when I got too stressed out...ahhh the ocean.

Ambles said...

I would pay people to come up with a whole bunch of amazing musicals so I could just WATCH THEM ALL DAY! Oh, and I'd go see all the one's that are already being produced :)

Stephanie said...

That title was hilarious. I cracked up laughing.

If I had what she had, I would finish the papers I have to write, clean my room, and knit up a storm for my Etsy shop.

Blogstiny said...

If I had whatever Oprah's on, I would never forget to put myself on the cover of my own magazine every month created by my company that spells out my name backwards - B.o.b. :-)

Erica said...

I know this is the nerdiest thing, ever - but I recently read "Getting Things Done" and it kind of helped me ... get things done.

http://youshouldonlyknow.wordpress.com/2009/01/21/relaxation-productivity/

Also, Oprah has puppies. I feel like I would manage to get a lot more done if I were able to play with puppies, too.

Karmen said...

if you manage to get a hold of whatever she takes please pass some my way.

along with her list of contacts on her cellphone. My career could definitely use a boost.

WHO WANTS TO BE LIKE OOOPRAAAAAHHHH???

Bella@That damn expat said...

It's the entourage.

So write a book, get rich and hire a whole army of minions to do all this pesky stuff for you!

Mr Pineapples said...

Chelsea...I see that you are number two in the Premiership.

Thats great..

But how are you going to overhaul Man United?

You really must take those goal chances.

Keep it up

mn said...

she can do all this not because she is trying to make money.
she IS the money.
All life revolves around her.
We, ordinary folks, have to do the grunt work to make ends meet.
She could have a masseuse show up at her office anytime. She works hard, but she doesn't have to prove anything or make ends meet at this point in her life the way we do.
Relax. Enjoy your youth. be ambitious, but know, housework will always be there....even when you're 50.

Anonymous said...

Well my darling, I totally agree with you, about the Oprah thing. But,as you said, she has "people", so she just gets her massage and gets her hair and nails done.Don't get me wrong, she has talent and can just turn a switch and perform, with that lovely mouth of hers, like there is no tomorrow.
But, she does have a man, and that is like a husband, when they live with you, and I think she is just super organized.
By the way, Chels, you are too young to write a book! It takes yrs. of torturous experience, to know enough to write a decent book!
Now, I could write a book, but I wouldn't want my kids to read it!Guess who?

as clara is said...

Oprah should totally have run for president!

Then we'd have the first female and African American president :)

Lizzy said...

Oh my...the possibilities are endless...laundry and folding, dog walking, organizing closets, going back to school, actually finishing that scarf I've been working on...

Cheryl said...

That is a priceless Oprah picture.

solo nicole said...

if i had what oprah was on i would be smart and get a personal assistant!

sid said...

I'd write a book ... a best seller so that i never have to work again.

M said...

Can I just say that I don't think Oprah needs tampons anymore? Just sayin..

Shila Shila and Cult Jam said...

If I could take what Oprah is on I would have my eyebrows tattoo'd on too.

:)

bianca said...

Oprah has to be on something. There's no way...just look at that picture!

KatieSaysSo said...

haha, thank you for posting that picture!!! you are hilarious chelsea!!!!!

michelle woo said...

I loved this post and am desperate for a double-dose of Oprah crack too. Sigh... the year started off promising. Now I'm clawing for dear life to sanity.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

anonymous- OH GRANNY! Look at you on my blog, you crazy lady ;)Hey, I could write a great book!! :)

I used to be cool. said...

I subscribe to Oprah's magazine and love every page except for the ads and the last page, her "What I Know for Sure" column. Just about every month she goes on and on about how she doesn't get enough "me time". Hell, I haven't had any "me time" since I had kids five years ago, and if had the chance for it I'd clean my disaster of a house. That would be the best "me time" I could get. BTW: In case you are wondering, I read Oprah standing up in the kitchen while my kids eat their lunch.

Anonymous said...

Hi sweet beans!! I'm glad you weren't offended by my commentary! I am very proud of you!! I couldn't write a blog like yours, nor could I have, when I was cool even! Keep up the good work! Maybe you could write a decent book, after all. Mention my name after one of the naughty words ,or something,though!

Anonymous said...

Hello. And Bye.

 
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