Monday, February 2, 2009
Because blogging is all about TMI.....
You know when you have an incredibly embarrassing moment and you think, "well THANK GOD that's over- 'Most Embarrassing Moment' story to tell Glamour magazine (anonymously), check."
Oh you haven't had yours? Well you will, and let me tell you what....you better blog about it, because I'm giving you all a GEM.
Let's start by saying, deciding to sleep with someone is a major. decision. that should be thought through.....and no, I don't mean doing the dirty. I mean allowing yourself to fall into R.E.M. while another is present. I say this for a few reasons; you have to really trust this person- or they could. 1. Murder you. 2. Write on your face with Sharpie. 3. Physically abuse you for snoring too loud, 4. Read your diary 5. Find your cookie stash and eat them all... among other things.....
Making the choice to have sex with someone, is far less deep. That's right, call me a hussy but getting in your jammi's and hitting the lights is a MUCH bigger deal and this is why....
....when you're sleeping, you're completely unaware of the things you say, and do- specifically when it comes to bodily functions. And no, I stopped wetting the bed years ago.
THAT'S RIGHT. YOU GUESSED IT...... Aren't you a genius. I FARTED..... IN. MY. SLEEP. with My Love laying AWAKE right next to me.
Cue the laughing crowd and sympathy sighs. The worst part, the vibration woke me up....BUT, I was still mid-dream. So my response to the rumble, "YEP." AS IF SOMEONE HAD ASKED ME A QUESTION??? Namely, "Did you fart?" In which, I sleep-talking-shamelessly, would have replied, "YEP." YEP??? Not yes, yeah, sorry, oops? No, just YEP.
Like, "That's right bitches. I ain't scurrrred. FART? ME? YEP!" I couldn't even bother to be grammatically correct, or appologetically classy.
So, when My Love said calmy, "Aw baby....you just farted."
I was still so unaware of the reason why I had just awoken out of a dead sleep and answered YEP (?), that I was certain I didn't. I HAD. NO. CLUE. In fact, I argued with him. "UH, No. I didn't." After adamantly denying my gas pass, I fell back asleep....hoping in the morning I'd wake with just a slight recollection of an odd and uncomfortable dream.
BEFORE I CONTINUE, let me say- I'd really appreciate if someone would "myth bust" this "women don't fart or do gross things" tall tale, because WE DO. We poop, we fart, we even pick out noses and some of us enjoy it. It happens to every woman, even sexy Megan Fox or classy Sarah Jessica Parker (i.e. Sex and The City episode, even though I know Carrie Bradshaw isn't real....but aw, don't we wish she were?)...EVERY. WOMAN. Even your Mothers men...not just the old women on Beano commercials. If they'd cast a hot chick in one of those it'd be something for us women to celebrate, "HA.HA. It isn't only senior citizens with a penchant for broccoli that get gaseous!"
Just sayin'. On with my "crawl in a hole forever and die" moment.....
"Good morning baby, do you want me to make some breakfast.....?"
In which I replied, with my new KEY PHRASE, "YEP." And that is when I knew, dream? I think not my friend and instead of asking how I'd like my eggs, he just said- "Don't worry, it was cute."
REASON 5,987 that I am certain I am dating an alien. Farting=not cute. Boyfriends not flipping out= GOLD.
What's your most embarrassing moment???