Monday, February 2, 2009

Because blogging is all about TMI.....


You know when you have an incredibly embarrassing moment and you think, "well THANK GOD that's over- 'Most Embarrassing Moment' story to tell Glamour magazine (anonymously), check."

Oh you haven't had yours? Well you will, and let me tell you what....you better blog about it, because I'm giving you all a GEM.

Let's start by saying, deciding to sleep with someone is a major. decision. that should be thought through.....and no, I don't mean doing the dirty. I mean allowing yourself to fall into R.E.M. while another is present. I say this for a few reasons; you have to really trust this person- or they could. 1. Murder you. 2. Write on your face with Sharpie. 3. Physically abuse you for snoring too loud, 4. Read your diary 5. Find your cookie stash and eat them all... among other things.....

Making the choice to have sex with someone, is far less deep. That's right, call me a hussy but getting in your jammi's and hitting the lights is a MUCH bigger deal and this is why....

....when you're sleeping, you're completely unaware of the things you say, and do- specifically when it comes to bodily functions. And no, I stopped wetting the bed years ago.

THAT'S RIGHT. YOU GUESSED IT...... Aren't you a genius. I FARTED..... IN. MY. SLEEP. with My Love laying AWAKE right next to me.

Cue the laughing crowd and sympathy sighs. The worst part, the vibration woke me up....BUT, I was still mid-dream. So my response to the rumble, "YEP." AS IF SOMEONE HAD ASKED ME A QUESTION??? Namely, "Did you fart?" In which, I sleep-talking-shamelessly, would have replied, "YEP." YEP??? Not yes, yeah, sorry, oops? No, just YEP.

Like, "That's right bitches. I ain't scurrrred. FART? ME? YEP!" I couldn't even bother to be grammatically correct, or appologetically classy.


So, when My Love said calmy, "Aw baby....you just farted."
I was still so unaware of the reason why I had just awoken out of a dead sleep and answered YEP (?), that I was certain I didn't. I HAD. NO. CLUE. In fact, I argued with him. "UH, No. I didn't." After adamantly denying my gas pass, I fell back asleep....hoping in the morning I'd wake with just a slight recollection of an odd and uncomfortable dream.

BEFORE I CONTINUE, let me say- I'd really appreciate if someone would "myth bust" this "women don't fart or do gross things" tall tale, because WE DO. We poop, we fart, we even pick out noses and some of us enjoy it. It happens to every woman, even sexy Megan Fox or classy Sarah Jessica Parker (i.e. Sex and The City episode, even though I know Carrie Bradshaw isn't real....but aw, don't we wish she were?)...EVERY. WOMAN. Even your Mothers men...not just the old women on Beano commercials. If they'd cast a hot chick in one of those it'd be something for us women to celebrate, "HA.HA. It isn't only senior citizens with a penchant for broccoli that get gaseous!"

Just sayin'. On with my "crawl in a hole forever and die" moment.....

"Good morning baby, do you want me to make some breakfast.....?"

In which I replied, with my new KEY PHRASE, "YEP." And that is when I knew, dream? I think not my friend and instead of asking how I'd like my eggs, he just said- "Don't worry, it was cute."


REASON 5,987 that I am certain I am dating an alien. Farting=not cute. Boyfriends not flipping out= GOLD.



What's your most embarrassing moment???

59 comments:

KT said...

Oh, girl, PUH-LEEZ.

No big deal! My hunny farted in front of me on date 3, and I wasn't long after.

Seven years later and we're still farting in bed together... and not necessarily while either one of us is asleep (although it TOTALLY happens!).

OK, I realize how gross that sounds. But it's a comfort thing. If you're comfortable enough to fart in front of each other--accidentally or not, (or even if you're simply comfortable with the realization that your significant other does, in fact, fart), then that's a good sign!

He realizes you're human, that means he's a good guy!

Now I wish I hadn't typed all this. THAT'S embarrassing.

Bella@That damn expat said...

He is gold.
Though, any guy who would be grossed by out needs to be taken out and shot.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

kt- you're right, I toally think it ISN'T or shouldn't be a big deal and we're definitely into that part of our relationship, where it ISNT

...BUT, the first time- you can never be too sure.

Ambles said...

You're sleep-self is awesome... Apparently even your subconscious knows that confidence is sexy!

Stephenie said...

This made me laugh really hard! SO well written. I think I do this, but have not been awake enough or caught to know for sure, but it sucks, lol. I remember doing it as a child, so I'm sure I do it now. We were on a family vacation, my little sister shared the bed with my dad and my older sister and I in another. I kept waking up to the toot sound and it wasn't until like #5 that I realized it was me! My dad kept blindly poking fun the next morning though he didn't know it was me =) Good story and he's a keeper!

Kern said...

haha, the first fart is always the scary one. After that it's like letting the herd out to the pasture. It gives your boy an all out pass to fart whenever, however, and as loudly as he pleases. So be careful of that inner demon waiting to come out of your boy or before you know it you will have your own band all hours of the day. Good luck!

Arielle said...

HAHA that's totally happened to me. In front of a boyfriend. And also, I have totally farted in my sleep and woken myself up because of it (not necessarily in front of anyone, but in general). But I agree, hitting that milestone with someone is a big and embarrassing deal. =)

Fiona said...

3 words: Girls Poop Too.

Naturally Sarcastic said...

The first time I got a stomach flu or food poisoning (he's my ex now) but it was our first New Years together and we were spending it with his Aunt.

MUCHO EMBARRASSMENT!!!!

Jo said...

I farted in my sleep in front of my fiance once and the smell of it woke us BOTH up. You know they love you when they put up with that kind of stuff.

flipflops said...

Yep. So this is true love. ;-)

Just remember, we all do it, especially in our sleep with our inhibitions down. It's godawful embarrassing, but what can ya do other than laugh it off.

Private Eyes said...

O.M.G. I would DIE if I did that in front of my bf. In the past, I wouldnt have cared, but this bf is just not gassy AT ALL. annoying. haha! we've been together for a year and he has never burped or farted in front of me. I burped in front of him Super Bowl Sunday and he was all, "babe" I was like "What?? I just downed a whole Sprite!"...oops?

Hazel said...

i burst out laughing at your "Yep" response...but don't worry, i think i've done the same thing, but the bf was sleeping and i don't think he heard it. but i woke up from the rumbling.

kwərk said...

I think my only real embarrassing moments happen when I'm drunk, because then I don't have the control over myself that I usually do. I let my guard down when I'm around G, but even then I'm basically a prude when it comes to bodily functions. But just because I can't handle talk about them, I get so freaked out!

This, this is a fun story though! You're amazing, I would never have blogged this. ;)

MarvelousMOM said...

You seriously just made my day! That is so funny. Your man sounds like a keeper for sure. What a sweetheart. My hubby keeps telling me that he would be happy if I farted in front of him. I am sure that I have done the same thing as you, although minus the "yep!" :)

bFlat said...

That is golden! I'm sure I have done that in my sleep too and Boyfriend is still sleeping with me.

The Blackout Blog said...

Fucking hilarious.
I especially like how you lead into the story. Brilliant intro.

Dolce said...

Okay...I farted in my sleep once too. It was so loud it woke me up.

theoddduckling said...

You want embarrassing? Fine.

Last November, I had come down with a bad case of the flu. To the point, that I looked like death warmed over. So the girlfriend, bless her cotton socks, comes over to check on me. As she's leaving she bends down to kiss me on the forehead, my stomach clenches, and I throw up.

Down. Her. Shirt.

Yeah I still haven't lived that one down.

brookem said...

ha! i love it.

honey, you need to get in on TMI thursdays! you want to know my most embarassing moment? check back every thursday for the past couple of months and they're RIGHT THERE all shuddery and embarassing on the screen.

hold me.

Lindsay said...

LOL I've totally done that and it was so embarrassing. I want to hide under the bed. Like your bf, though, mine just laughed. You're right, though, commercials should totally show hot chicks with unflattering bodily functions. It would be a giant step for woman-kind.

Amber said...

HAHA! Now you know how I felt!! You're just lucky that it was your loving boyfriend who thought it was cute!! I'm still mortified, but at least we are able to share it and laugh about it.

Liz said...

Bahaha YEP. My bf is not only comfortable enough to fart around ME, but also around our friends! They think it's hilarious; I just get embarrassed for him lol.

Anonymous said...

Oh, now there's my girl!!!! Way to go, Chelsea! HaHa!!!! You are funny...

Meghan said...

Hilarious post. And yep, he sounds solid gold.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

OH, Side note- I forgot to mention later in the evening, my poor man got food poisoning and ended up sick in my bathroom.

SO- I farted, he throws up. Poor baby .

The New Black said...

I about died the first time I did that. I was half asleep and he was rubbing my back and...it happened. It wouldn't have been that embarassing if he hadn't started plugging his nose. I was mortified, but eventually got over it. It still teases me about it to this day.

Sarah said...

so well written, i had to keep my laughter under control as to not have to explain what i was reading to my coworkers. my ex used to laugh and get all excited when i farted, which i found pretty annoying. the new bf just kind of ignores it

sarahbelledotcom said...

Hahhahahahha.

Oh I love this.

And I love your boy for being so cute about it.

Coconut said...

Oh my gosh, I just had to bite my hand in my cubicle to keep from laughing out loud. BUT this is much worse: one time I was showing my ex-boyfriend how I can put my legs behind my head and I farted. It was uncontrollable. He just looked suprised and started laughing, but it was awful.

L.L. said...

My BF is forever trying to get me in the dutch oven... it maddens me because I cannot fart on command. I simply can't. Anyway, I few weeks ago we're in bed, and I finally had enough gas in the tank. I let it go and promptly held the covers over his face...

And guess what?

It was an odourless fart!!

I can't do it right!

Trixie Firecracker said...

You are an amazing writer and you have an extraordinary gift for making people (aka me) laugh. I would have died in that situation too.

girlgerms said...

omg! my (now) sister-in-law, my (now) husband and even my (now) father-in-law were farting in each others presence and on each other since the first time we met! for real, not a big deal. be glad he didnt think so either!

remember, its only embarrassing if you think so! :]

Jules said...

I so remember that first part of my relationship when I tried to put on the airs and graces of a non farting human. I struggled through many an hour with a very sore tummy while I waited for 5 mins alone to let one rip and relieve the pain.

Ten years later we were in the middle of sexual acts the other evening, he was playing with me I was playing with him, my legs ended up in the air, nearly at orgasm level and PHWAAARRRP, let one rip, accidentally of course. Oh the mortification, he laughed and we carried on, thank god it didn't stink!! LOL

Mrs. D said...

This post was TOO FUNNY! If i ever have something similar happen to me, I'll be sure to share.. for you! haha :)

Lindsay said...

I just laughed out loud through this whole thing and I think my roommate might be concerned for my sanity. That being said, I agree with you that someone needs to dispel the myth about women not farting or pooping. I know so many guys who think that's legitimately how it works.

Mandy said...

Hahahaha, classic. I've done that before too.

Rebecca said...

Hahaha, hilarious. You definitely have a keeper :)

Blogstiny said...

This is a good one. You got me laughin out loud!

Erin said...

That is freakin hilarious! I can't tell you how long I was in literal pain holding them in when I first started living with J. They would only squeak out at night! Then I realized the sheer amount of gas coming from him when we were together meant he thought nothing of it.

So I tested him. Just a little one. He giggled, said, "was that you?" and just laughed. I think it's a bit different when you're married though...farting is in the contract I think.

Totally laughed out loud at work, thanks!!

Melly said...

When D. and I had first started dating (long-distance) I went to visit him and just as I started fall asleep, I let out a real LOUD cheek-flapper. I bolted upright, hoping - PRAYING! - that he hadn't heard it!

He was perfectly still.

Phew! Out of the woods! He'll never know!

...until my birthday came up, and he handed me a homemade card, showing me all the reasons he loves me. The illustration included a perfectly rendered cartoon version of me SHOCKED after farting in bed.

HE DID HEAR IT!!! :) ..and how he ever managed not to bust out laughing, neither of us know! :)

Lily said...

The first (and only!) time I have ever gas-passed in front of a significant other was my boyfriend when I was a sophomore in college. We were at separate colleges and I was visiting his apartment for the weekend. Earlier that day, we'd JUST been discussing how I'd never farted in front of him and Godhelpme I never would.

Until, later that night when I had too many beers and we were upstairs looking out the window, watching friends leave the place when I turned around, walked away and RRRFFFFFPPT. There it was. Ok it wasn't that loud but it sure felt like it!

He just burst out laughing and has never let me forget it...

Di said...

HaHa! Yep, I know THAT rite of passage! My SO & I broke that barrier early on too :) Although we only do it in our sleep and on the other side of the bathroom wall from each other (why torture each other by doing it on purpose:), but we LOL and make sure to let each other know we heard it. He actually teases me and says I do inner farts (he even coined it "I.F.") that he can hear and tells me to just let it out already in front of him. Haha. I don't see any point in that.

Katelin said...

i'm waiting for the day this will happen to me, i feel like it's inevitable, haha.

Kate said...

I have farted ON my husband (as in, ass cheek was touching him) more than once in my sleep. I wouldn't say he found it cute, but he still gets in the bed with me, so ...

To be fair, it's not just me. Once I got into bed at around 4:30 a.m. Apparently my husband had just farted, but it was dark and I was sleepy (I had fallen asleep on the couch originally) and I honestly couldn't tell if he had farted or if I had because my brain wasn't functioning properly. All I knew was I couldn't get away from the smell.

Cristi said...

I second bfs that don't flip out being gold! I can't even think of all the embarrassing things I've done in front of my bf but farting on him is definitely one of them lol. Btw I really like your blog! I'm a newbie to blogging so seeing a really good one is helpful :)

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

cristi- well welcome!! The blogging community is actually quite kind, thanks for coming by! CHEERS!

Cherrye at My Bella Vita said...

This was my first visit to your site and, omG, was a great post to hit on. My husband walked by and asked me why I was laughing at my laptop.

Ah, thanks for the morning laugh. My most embarrassing moment? I don't have one. I am one of those girls who doesn't fart, burp, poop or pick my nose! ;-)

GD said...

Oh god, totally been there. Its funny how it wakes girls up in a fit of sheer terror...

Sarah said...

When I was 20 my good friend from high school and I decided to make it more than a friendship. The night after the morning after he says to me, "So this morning when you farted on me...well, you did that as a joke right?"
You might be happy to know we're getting married in June.

MsPuddin said...

girl awesome story.it happens to the best of us.i carry beano to go in my purse...

fun fact: the average person farts 17 times a day. crazy huh lol

irunwithscissors said...

great guy!

raych said...

i think it is cute because a lot of girls try to hide it like they don't ever, ever fart.

but .... that's only as long as it's not a Rumble in the Bronx every five minutes. That's just gross.

Blaez said...

that's way too funny

babywaeli said...

oh miss chelsea.
just started dating someone and i went back to read this blog to make myself feel better.
seriously this kid and i spent over 48 hours with eachother and i held it in for so long that i had some real bad indigestion. instead of farting in bed, my intestines growled so loudly when i woke up, that HE woke up. OH LORD.

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

quite interesting read. I would love to follow you on twitter. By the way, did any one learn that some chinese hacker had hacked twitter yesterday again.

Lorena @ The Velvet Report said...

my sis just sent me a link to this post and i kid you not, i was in tears dying of laughter!!!...f'ing hysterical!..the capital and bold letters on certain words made it even funnier...totally my type of humor...great stuff chelsea

Niki said...

Hahahaha, classic. I've done that before too.

 
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